I don't know what to say.... I can feel your anger - I know your anger.
To give up a child, to people who you believe can do a better job, could keep her safe, could give her the things you didn't believe you could at the time, could give the child the support and help.......... even love......
there is nothing worse than living with that decision and finding out.... or seeing ..... or feeling....... the guilt ....... when you entrust someone.... and they f*ck it up and there is nothing you can do to stop it or change it or make it right.
Your anger is warranted.
Your sadness, sickness inside... is warranted.
Your unasked questions "why?" "how"... "that wasn't supposed to happen"..."it shouldn't have been that way for your daughter" "I trusted them"...
all warranted - all something you will feel for a long time.
You have the right to be angry, you have the right to feel all those things.
Talk SheW - if it helps.......... talk, write it down, get it out of your head. You must get the thoughts out from racing around in your head... you're spinning.
i chose them to keep her safe
I'm glad your daughter had a Dad who would take charge and take care of her. You could not, nor are responsible for what the adoptive mother did - you had no control over that. You did what you thought was right at the time - you did what you could to keep her safe - you can't go back - but that doesn't stop it hurting. It never will. The Dad is keeping her safe. He made the right decision. She's growing up - and she is safe right now - tho she hurts - she is safe
. There is a focus. She is safe.
What also doesn't stop - is judging yourself. There's the pain. Huge pain. Unimaginable pain. It hurts so bad that at times you want to cut your heart out.
Tired.... takes over.
You need to talk SheW - whether it's here..... or with a professional. Believe me. Please.
What I write won't make you feel better - I wish it could - I really wish it could. I wish talking would make it better - it helps, it does - even if you think you sound wrong or mad or too angry, positively loopy or anything - it doesn't matter what you sound like - get it out of your head and out into a space where you can try and step outside of the spinning. Step outside of "you" and breathe deeply. Put "you" in a different space where all those thoughts can slow down and then deal with just one thought at a time.
So sorry SheW. I understand tho - some of what you feel.
Sharing emotions isn't being a drama queen or getting an ego stroke. When the emotion is too raw - it can eat you alive. Put it out there - into somewhere that doesn't feel the emotion. A laptop is a great place to put it. Behind a camera is too. Find some peace from the thoughts - focus on just ONE thing. Deal with just ONE emotion.
For you to be able to take care of Bean - you need to get well in your head. Only when you are "well" - does the rest of it start coming together. Bean needs you. Not that, that helps. Actually, it makes it harder at times. It's not so simple to put all your efforts into taking care of someone else ... be responsible for someone else. You have to be "well yourself" before you can do that.
Please do talk/write/whatever it is to get the emotions out - if you need to see a professional counsellor - do so. Please girl.