It's a hole

<tears>

<anger>




I don't know what to say.... I can feel your anger - I know your anger.

To give up a child, to people who you believe can do a better job, could keep her safe, could give her the things you didn't believe you could at the time, could give the child the support and help.......... even love......

there is nothing worse than living with that decision and finding out.... or seeing ..... or feeling....... the guilt ....... when you entrust someone.... and they f*ck it up and there is nothing you can do to stop it or change it or make it right.

Your anger is warranted.

Your sadness, sickness inside... is warranted.

Your unasked questions "why?" "how"... "that wasn't supposed to happen"..."it shouldn't have been that way for your daughter" "I trusted them"...

all warranted - all something you will feel for a long time.

You have the right to be angry, you have the right to feel all those things.

Talk SheW - if it helps.......... talk, write it down, get it out of your head. You must get the thoughts out from racing around in your head... you're spinning.




I'm glad your daughter had a Dad who would take charge and take care of her. You could not, nor are responsible for what the adoptive mother did - you had no control over that. You did what you thought was right at the time - you did what you could to keep her safe - you can't go back - but that doesn't stop it hurting. It never will. The Dad is keeping her safe. He made the right decision. She's growing up - and she is safe right now - tho she hurts - she is safe. There is a focus. She is safe.

What also doesn't stop - is judging yourself. There's the pain. Huge pain. Unimaginable pain. It hurts so bad that at times you want to cut your heart out.

Tired.... takes over.

You need to talk SheW - whether it's here..... or with a professional. Believe me. Please.

What I write won't make you feel better - I wish it could - I really wish it could. I wish talking would make it better - it helps, it does - even if you think you sound wrong or mad or too angry, positively loopy or anything - it doesn't matter what you sound like - get it out of your head and out into a space where you can try and step outside of the spinning. Step outside of "you" and breathe deeply. Put "you" in a different space where all those thoughts can slow down and then deal with just one thought at a time.

So sorry SheW. I understand tho - some of what you feel.

Sharing emotions isn't being a drama queen or getting an ego stroke. When the emotion is too raw - it can eat you alive. Put it out there - into somewhere that doesn't feel the emotion. A laptop is a great place to put it. Behind a camera is too. Find some peace from the thoughts - focus on just ONE thing. Deal with just ONE emotion.

For you to be able to take care of Bean - you need to get well in your head. Only when you are "well" - does the rest of it start coming together. Bean needs you. Not that, that helps. Actually, it makes it harder at times. It's not so simple to put all your efforts into taking care of someone else ... be responsible for someone else. You have to be "well yourself" before you can do that.

Please do talk/write/whatever it is to get the emotions out - if you need to see a professional counsellor - do so. Please girl.

love x

(((((big big hugs)))))

You did one of the hardest things in life but you did it because you cared for your daughter's well being.

You are a good woman.

Unlike her adoptive mother you will be around to see the woman she will grow up to be.

Ugh, what a horrible thing. You have every right to be pissed off.

Be strong. You are strong. Be careful not to affect the Bean with this ****.

((((shewolf))))

You know, my sister was a (hard) drug addict and had persistent flashbacks, enough to hospitalize her, long after she'd been straight.

This is a very good point.

Still, my best thought is: I'm listening. I'm here. I think we all are.

Sending strength and hope your way.

Shewolf, I wish to offer my condolences.

I hope that u will find the strength to forgive yourself
for any error of selection of a protector of your child, bearing in mind
that u had no way to know her future nor her potential failings.

I hope that u will find the strength to forgive the decedent.
U can receive balm, solace and tranquility for your heart, your mind,
your spirit in forgiveness of human weakness n frailty.


U can take consolation in that the decedent left your daughters a gift,
a legacy: it is an object lesson of what NOT to do
and of her (dearly bought) proof of the dangers of choosing unwisely.

Her lesson has a special eloquence for your daughters that few teachers coud rival.
In retrospect, she has unique powers of persuasion which can serve as an heirloom
of personal safety for future generations in your family.

Depending on the angle from which u decide to look at this,
u can see it as that she gave her life de facto promoting
future safety from slavery to chemistry in your family,
and among all who choose to look upon this misfortune.

As has been suggested, u may wish to consider counselling to relieve your grief.

I wish u the best.
I hope that your future will be filled with beauty





David

Agrees, what JPB says makes sense.

We are all here.

I'll still say, breathe in slow, breathe out same, repeat. We all know this.
Silly re resolving anything, but a pacer, especially the repeat part.

Another very good point: I learned a great deal from my family about what NOT to do.

Bean will learn this too.

Big Hugs to You.

the funeral is today

my mom flew out yesterday after what felt like hesitation.
i have debated breaking my savings and going. but i dont know that i belong.

i dont have a tie with her. even though I do. I think I am just curious to see what the ended up looking like. I know what crack whores look like, I know what heroin addicts look like and , i cant SEE her that way. I just see her dead and purple and thin.
I cant see her face in my mind . I can see her outline, from behind, when she was still normal... still .. her.. still happy. She was chubby, bouncy, loud, and crass. Kinda like me. and then she does all this stupid ****, kinda like me.
the difference is that life is not an option for me anymore.

I think i am picking up on either J's emotions or , someones.. I dont know. But these 'episodes' these, sleepwalking things.. are not mine.
I wake up and I am just standing there.. standing still and if I try to remember any conscious thought it all comes back to seeing S's body on the ground. That is the only thought I can recall no matter what.
i tried to work the other day. What normally takes me 2 hours took me 5 because I would move, begin to work, then wake up standing still, or sitting down, and had no idea how long i was there.
that was the worse day
yesterday was not so bad
I slept last night pretty well. I went to bed by 11 and did not even wake up to pee until 5am sharp. Then, i was up and that was the end of it.
i can feel myself begining to check out again. Im slowing down, feeling a tad confused and my stomach feels anxious.
I dont believe this anxiety is mine. I just dont.

I do have a therapist person I see. I have to wait to make an appointment, but she knows what is going on and she too gets feelings like I do. She understands what I am talking about and I hope she will be able to help me.

I have not done any exercise in days and i am begining to feel it.
It feels like my blood is stagnant. I need to get moving

jillian asks me why im upset. She sees me cry and I dont know what to say to her. I will always be honest with her, but I dont know that right now is a good time.

she woke from her bed on monday morning having slept in a poopy diaper.
she never does that.
she was crying and scared to get back into her bed. She said it was scary and that things happened when she slept.
she has never done this.

im anticipating today to be another weird one.
I booked myself with people today until late night.
I work, have lunch with someone, hang out with a different person after that, to come home have dinner then go out again with yet another person.

Only one of them REALLY know what is going on.
Im hoping for a sanity break here

She's no longer suffering, Shewolf. And she's no longer able to cause others to suffer. Her addiction killed her and maybe that's a good thing. Addiction is no kind of life. She was a poor, tormented soul and after a while, her power to disturb will fade.

Don't fight what's happening to you, just let it come and go as it will. Fighting it will just make it worse. And you don't have to try and understand it, either. Just let it happen. It'll dissipate and leave on its own.

Regular exercise is as good for depression as a daily dose of antidepressant.

i am secretly glad

well

no secret. i have said it before. I am glad she is dead.
im just sorry that the kids had to see the things they did before that happened. she wasnt going to BE sober. That was not her choice. And by her choice, her kids got to see an addict, not a mother.
i wish it would have happened sooner and i wish it did not happen in front of them.

depression is expected and normal . im not worried about it. I also feel anxiety, anger, sleeplessness you name it.
exercise will fix it. i exercise all the time several times a day. just not this week? has it been? yeah.. a week

good morning wolfie.

hugs...

i stayed very busy today.
i felt my worse detachment around 9 this morning.
i was able to stay present and finished working...... then I filled my day with friends and people who did not really know what was going on . Not having people question me was a good way to focus on something other then feeling bad.

how's yer plants, woman... ?

(bugs or no bugs...that is the question...)

<insert hug here>

know what you mean.

sometimes you need to vent.

other times you need to say "can we not ******* talk about this for awhile?"

FWIW, following the whole thread, I think you're doing remarkably well in identifying so many complicated feelings. I don't think everybody could.

Im thinking about the people I have lost in my life, and it is not until now that I realize I have not lost anyone THAT close to me before.
Friends? check
acquaintances? check
family? check

but no one who has made me feel like that.
What i feel is real , grief. But , I tell you it isnt mine. It is a weight right inside my ribcage, just at the bottom. I can FEEL it. It weighs heavy, it knocks me off balance. It makes me feel 'full', it takes the wind out of me. It is an actual feeling. One I dont think I ever understood before.
I had a concept.. I mean, I have lost people I loved, but never felt like this.
This must be what it is like to really lose someone.

I genuinely believe these feelings are my daughters, my mothers, and all of my friends who are now effected by her death. I can tell almost , if this is what it is, WHEN they wake up.
I have always felt these kinds of things from people. I guess I just never knew how much I could pick up.

Today is Misters birthday.

In all of this mess, I forgot about him.

I raced to the store yesterday, bought a small cheesecake, some trick candles, some cards and blue and yellow flowers.
Together, jillian and I filled in the cards... I made Paneer + dumplings, put candles on his cake and waited by the door like stalkers in the night.
She got a real kick out of that.
She is spending the night tonight with her grandmother so that Ian and I can have a day to ourselves.
Today I feel, disappointed, mostly in myself even though I know it isnt a realistic stand point... but ..i forgot about him. completely.
I have nothing for him and no plans.

So, I am looking up state parks and other things to go to so that I can pretend i didnt forget.

I still feel like this has been going on for weeks. I still feel like I have lost a LOT of time. I have no grasp yet of the ... here and now.. if that makes sense.

I spoke with my doctor. She wanted to load me with narcotics.
A sleeping pill
An anxiety pill
and a tranquilizer.

what. the. ****.

are people NOT supposed to feel grief?
Why do people ALWAYS run to medication when they feel an emotion?
Life is not always smily happy fluffy bunny foo foo stuff.
feeling depressed is ok because that is part of normal life
Feeling anxious after an emotional ordeal is expected and normal
Anger normal..

seriously.

This nurse ( not my real doc actually ) just blew my ever loving mind.
She wasnt pushing things on me.. but.. she said " If you need it, I will give you a, b c and d.... just say the word"


Sure lady .
And the next time I see a heroin addict whom has recovered, i will make sure and offer THEM a hit too once they go through something.
Lets not forget an alcoholic right? I will make sure and offer a good stiff drink to those who have had life issues with it.. I mean.. being drugged to be happy is the way to be right?
Yay merc! Yay Lilly! Yay prozac!
Woohooooooo we are a happy nation!

Holy ****. Offering narcotics to someone with a history of addiction? I wonder if the doc knows what his/her nurse is doing?

Yay, shewolf, for walking past that huge trap.

I just want to say that you are doing a fantastic job getting yourself through this. I know you are in survival mode, and it's amazing to me that you are handling this so well.