Need an exit strategy from a verbally abusive marriage

@MagicBlackCat,

Quote:

The time has come for me to 1) cancel my e-mail account so that he cannot send me more messages like this and 2) shut off my old phone so that he will not be able to try and call me. I know what I need to do but I am not doing it. Why? I'm not entirely sure. Argh..so frustrated...hurting still.

Well, you're right that it's time for those actions.

As for why you're not doing them right now, do you still have that counselor handy? That would be the person to talk to about it.

I believe your not-soon-enough-to-be-ex (love that term!) is very good at manipulating events and people for his maximum benefit; his latest delay for counseling seems like a good example.

Could you hire a counselor yourself for this so-called mediation thing, thus sparing you the long wait for an appointment?

Sounds like you really do need a better lawyer, and the one you fired deserved to be fired!

Oh, and his whiney B-Day card thing annoys even ME!

You've got perfectly good reasons to feel annoyed & frustrated right now, in my opinion. But yeah, forgetting about it would probably provide the best outcome for YOU.

1 Reply

@BorisKitten,

You're right of course. Need to make another counselor appointment.

As I further reflect on why I don't want to cancel my old accounts, something in me doesn't want to give up that part of my 'identity'.

Unfortunately the paperwork he filed puts the entire divorce proceedings on hold until the counseling session is set up and attended. I have spoken with a meditor who can help once that is done.

As always, thank you for your supportiveness BK. Smile

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@MagicBlackCat,

If u sent him a birthday card,
that 'd be almost as much as hinting
that u 've changed your mind about the divorce.

It is conceivable that he might use that against u.

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it is clear that you are still emotionally attached to the guy you are trying to unload. This is common. It is too bad that you two could not work out what ever your differences are, that it has come to this. After all of your posts it is a clear as mud what the problem was.

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@MagicBlackCat,

can you just block HIS email adress?

Some email programs have a list that you can create for blocking addresses.
Some of them will put your blocked emails into a spam folder.. others will not accept them at all

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@shewolfnm,

I can do that, but the sender doesn't know he's been blocked. Closing the account, if you find out how to do it, sends a more clear message, if that's the intent.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

it is clear that you are still emotionally attached to the guy you are trying to unload.

I disagree.

`

1 Reply

@roger,

roger wrote:

I can do that, but the sender doesn't know he's been blocked.
Closing the account, if you find out how to do it, sends a more clear message, if that's the intent.

I don 't believe that it does.

`

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@OmSigDAVID,

You have never been married, have you even ever had a long term monogamous committed relationship?? my guess would be that the answer is no, in which case my comment is WTF do you know about the subject of emotional binds?

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@hawkeye10,

Actually for the first time in 12 years I feel quite relieved to not have to cater to his impossible whims. Freedom from criticisim and manipulation has done wonders for me. It is reading the accusations that he spouts (which I know are untrue) are what hurts. I just want him to be completely out of my life, I do not want to think about the hassle of trying to get personal items back or sitting down with a counselor and rehashing the feelings of helplessness I have when trying to communicate with ex. I just want this over and done with. He wants to remain friends. It is not going to happen. There is not one day that has gone by that I have regreted my decision.

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@shewolfnm,

I will look into seeing if I can at least filter his e-mails to the spam folder for now. Thanks shewolf.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

You have never been married, have you even ever had a long term
monogamous committed relationship?? my guess would be that the answer is no,
in which case my comment is WTF do you know about the subject of emotional binds?

I know how to read English
and that 's how MBC wrote her posts.

`

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@hawkeye10,

I get the gut-feeling hunch
that u r seeing what WANT to see in her posts.

(for what it may be worth)

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

Quote:

I get the gut-feeling hunch
that u r seeing what WANT to see in her posts.

being a guy who has been married for 23 years, when I see a woman over reacting I want to know why she is over reacting . Women are almost always emotionally honest, the over reaction is driven by something that she will not be honest with words about.

You are a smart guy David, but you don't know enough about women to be in this thread.

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@hawkeye10,

In my opinion she's not overreacting by not wanting to continue to support this guy when he's able-bodied and could work. It'd be one thing if he were caring for the kids and house while she worked, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

What does he do all day? Maybe she no longer respects that. That doesn't sound like an emotional overreactionary response. That sounds like a very practical response to what she's observing and how it makes her feel about what's gone on in her life thus far, and how she'd like to see that change.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

but you don't know enough about women to be in this thread.

in this situation neither do you.

a dominate, aggressive, demanding man does not belong with a woman who does not want that.

A man who will insult, belittle and berate his wife should be with someone who can and will accept that.

She does not.
She does not want an abusive man
She does not pair well with a dominate aggressive man.
She does not have to validate, correct, or challenge YOU. Nor does she have to do that with him.

To stand around and try to combat her with every twist and turn, you are , IN TURN, doing to her exactly what she does not want.

Domination is not a relationship. Both women and men can freely move from this as they see fit with out guilt shame or other recourse.
You keep challenging her and attempting to tell her she is wrong like some kind of 'master' to his mindless servant. Stop it.

1 Reply

@shewolfnm,

He actually sounds more passive-aggressive to me. "I can't feed my little doggie without you! Waaaaa!"

Someone needs to tell him to man up.

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@DrewDad,

MBC has never said he was aggressive and the only abuse is more of the passive-aggressive variety. I was amazed that she took out a protective order against someone who never offered her any threat. He's screwed if anyone does a background investigation on him and finds he's had a protective order taken out on him.

1 Reply

@MagicBlackCat,

MagicBlackCat wrote:

I will look into seeing if I can at least filter his e-mails to the spam folder for now. Thanks shewolf.

What email program do you use? Most have options for automatically filing mail from a particular user into a folder or the trash.

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@hawkeye10,

Quote:

being a guy who has been married for 23 years, when I see a woman over reacting I want to know why she is over reacting . Women are almost always emotionally honest, the over reaction is driven by something that she will not be honest with words about.

You are a smart guy David, but you don't know enough about women to be in this thread.

Oh, Hawkeye, PLEEZ! Cut it out!

I'm female, I've been married for 12 years, and I don't think MBC is over-reacting to her Ex.

He's a big PITA, from her reports, too lazy to work or even take care of the darned house while SHE works. Then he whines about how poorly she treats him.

Even his own family won't take him in, probably 'cause they know what a burden he would be.

MBC has handled this very difficult separation rather well, in my opinion. Let's focus on supporting her and helping her work through her situation, shall we?

<Sending happy kitten fuzzies to MBC>

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Need an exit strategy from a verbally abusive marriage

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