Need an exit strategy from a verbally abusive marriage

Your lawyer will tell you if you have financial obligations for this man's living expenses, and how to protect yourself financially, and about his possessions and his right to remove them from the house.

I hope that you can give him the "news" in a safe place for both of you. Perhaps he will go to your therapist's office with you and you can tell him in front of a witness (the therapist)

In any case, you are under no obligation to ANYONE, including yours or his mother as to the status of your marriage or its breakup. Stop worrying about what OTHER people think. You do not have to explain or give reasons. This is between you and him and you need to ask all others to give you private time and lots of space while you both work this out (with your lawyers. )

I would not worry about his living situation after the break up. You have mentioned that he has family, he can do what most people in this situation do and sleep on mom and dad's couch while he gets his act together. Maybe without you to coddle him he will actually get out there and do something for himself. I highly doubt his parents will be so sympathetic to his lack of feeling responsible for filling out his own resume. If this type of behaviour persists after living with family then none of them should blame you. They will see how he has been treating you all these years through the way they are now being treated.

If they still lay it all on your shoulders then screw them. You never have to care what they think about you anymore. That is one of the beauties of divorce.

Everyone has given some great advice here and I would listen to most of it. The one thing I disagree with is you disappearing for a couple of months while he cleans his stuff out of your home. If you follow through with this plan be prepared to come home to an empty house that has been vandalized.

In most states when a couple divorce or legally separate a specific time can be set by the judge and a police officer will be present at the time that the vacating party removes their belongings. Nothing can be removed from the home that is not agreed to on the divorce decree and the officer will ensure that things don't get out of hand. All of his things should be removed at that time, if he doesn't have a place to put everything and complains that he will have to come back for them, refuse and have it all sent to a storage unit. Give him the key to it and bid him farewell.

You should have a restraining order attached to all of this and if he EVER breaks it IMMEDIATELY call the police and have him taken away. He might spend a couple of days in lock up but it is the only way you will get him to eventually leave you alone. If he ever breaks the order and you do nothing it will only validate his opinion that you won't do anything and his behaviour can escalate.

Don't let him run you out of your home and don't leave him there alone to clean you out. As for the cats you can use the argument that he has no place to keep them while you have the house they are familiar with. You can get them awarded to you on those grounds by the judge. You might want to look into mediation on the assets as well.

Some very helpful advice. Thank you! I certainly do not want him vandalizing everything. *channeling Noddy* I will try to hold my dominion...

I am relieved to hear about the cats staying in the home.

He went over on the minutes on the cell phone this month >.< Looks like the budget is getting pretty tight and we have to cancel the Netflix account.

Un huh. If you are going to shoot, it's best not to miss.

My wife often misreads me unless I am super-direct, black & white and right to the point. Plus she responds to me within the context of her emotional state at the time (Eastern European brusqueness is her family tradition).

So if I want to be subtle, I must often also explain the underlying implications of my intent, and even at that it's 50/50 if she'll have the patience to grasp the point.

However she is very sincere, and helpful, and giving, and hard-working; unlike (I gather) your man.

I don't know what I think here. I remember not knowing what I thought with MBC's marriage happenng back then, not sure I posted at all on that/those threads. (I'm a woman, by the way).
I see some of engineer's qualms, as in there are probably two sides to all this, and mbc gave only one evening's episode, which I presume could have different interpretations.
I can also see mcb's stated pov.
Going with that for argument's sake, and the consequent need for cautionary behavior -
how secure is your computer on which you type all this, with an action plan?
What is all this about your mother? Can you trust her to be silent?

I'm not sure husband will be all so surprised by a complete "Boom, it's over" episode, when it comes. He can clearly sniff the air now.
And.. I'm not in any way competent to guess how necessary that scenario would be for you two in particular.
Being blindsided by a spouse is a knee-chopper, and would be retributive if it is not necessary.
Please talk with a competent attorney, and not the most skuldugerous in town. Perhaps there is some way a not totally adversarial denouement can be worked out.

I'll add, dispassionately, that you might find counseling useful, especially given you had apparent short term suicidal thoughts. I've been a lifetime self counselor (and where the hell did that get me, eh?) so I get not doing that, but many, uncountable many, friends have found counseling useful in their lives.

by whom ?

Osso. I was thinking on many of the things you said. I do have a counselor. I am reaching out to friends and asking them to hold me accountable for remaining firm on focusing that I be treated with respect. For now I am in survival mode. Keeping an eye on my normal behavior and responding as dispassionately as possible. I have very good at pretending to be happy.

I am passwording files and sending back up copies to safe sources. changing internet options to not track form usage, etc. Shortly, I will pretty much be disappearing as MBC and will be moving to a completely random user name which he would not know. I will aslo be limiting the content I share on this forum just in case he starts to become suspect. Even if I am not posting, I will be reading and continue on with my plans as everyone suggests. I also would like to ask for PM's of anyone who would like to give me more private pointers. I respect all of you and the advice you have given me.

I feel empowered that I have a plan to address his immediate behaviors and to defensively put myself into 'ready' mode if the situation deteriorates.


Osso..in regards to my mother. She will not say anything to husband I know, but I have not told her of my plans. I feel this is a situation where the less she knows the better. I am turning to friends and a counselor who are supportive in helping me to stay strong in my resolve.

Good, and good (I sound like I know, heh). On the counselor, watch that you aren't dealing with an abetter with issues of her or his own that impinge on yours. Well, of course counselors have issues, I've a number of friends who do counseling (I prefer two ll's) and know their particular messinesses to some extent. Still, I surmise the thought provocation is usually useful - but me being me, I'd assert independence. Well, I would, being counselor avoidant. So, I'm just saying, to me they are good sparks.for exploration.

Certainly makes sense about the cats..good thinking. He certainly sounds unpleasant and dangerous (disregard for safety), and emotionally unhealthy....

Sorry if it sounds like i'm splitting hairs, it still doesn't sound like NPD to me (not that I'm am expert).

I read the whole thread and see that you are planning your exit meticulously. Good luck to you. Be strong and take care.

UPDATE:

Hey all, wanted to give you an update. I let the proverbial cat out of the bag already. Based on lawyers advice it made no sense to wait any longer.

I gave him until Wednesday next week to get out.

Staying strong. I can see the games for what they are.

Wishing you clarity of thought and good, strong locks.

CONGRATULATIONS, MBC !!!
How did it go over ?
Any threats ?

Be very careful; watch your back.

...he was quite shocked, still is.. which is understandable.

No threats yet, but I am watching and ready for worst case scenario...(I hope!)

MagicBlackCat wrote:

Logically, u NEED to be.
Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

He shuda been more polite to his hostess.

To tell u the truth, it seems kinda risky sleeping with him there,
or even just turning your back on him, under the circumstances.



David

Keeping my cell phone charged, keys in pocket. Ready to call police when he escalates to anger.

He's spending his energies trying to tell me what a good life it was and how he will miss it, how I'm crazy for doing this. My meds are off.

I kept telling him his energy would be better used looking for a place to go or securing a job.

Good. I have, unfortunately, had a bit of experience in this type of thing (thankfully I came to my senses before I married the guy) and I remember the time between decision and action being the most tiresome.

Things started out fine, we were both cordial to each other and went on our own ways and began separating our mutual belongings. He claimed utter shock at my announcing it was over and said he did not understand where it went bad. I laid it out for him in great detail. He didn't listen (as was the driving point behind all of our problems) and I got tired of talking to a brick wall. How he thought me crying myself to sleep everynight for a year while he pretended to sleep was not an indicator that we had problems I will never understand.

I made the mistake of trusting him to act like an adult and he ended up taking me for everything. Everything that we had accumulated as a couple disappeared and a great many things that had belonged to me before I ever knew him went to. I never got any of it back. All the credit cards were in my name and he had maxed them out on fixing his truck and I got stuck with that too. The worst part was that he got to all of our friends and told them horrible lies about me and as a result I lost most of them too.

This is not going to be easy. Obviously every person is different and every situation differs as well, but I would not trust this to end like you plan or go easy. The more alert you are the better and, personally, I would not trust him in anything.

I know this sounds bitter and jaded, but that's because it is. I learned a very hard lesson in this and would spare anyone else the pain that comes from it, though, things will play out as they will.

VERY true, MBCat:
don 't trust anyone with more than u r willing to lose,
especially not in this kind of situation.





David

Aldistar,

Thank you for sharing. I agree with you one hundred percent in everything you have said. Much of his frustration is because I am taking control over what should be personal 'space'. He is going through a great range of emotions and I am remaining as neutral as possible to everything. He's just now starting to see the defense actions I've taken to protect myself. He is not on the 'need to know' list, so that is making him feel a bit out of sorts as well.

My attorney told me to stay put and not let him run me out of my house. That echoed what many have said here on the site, so I am dealing. I had counselor appointments this morning, and have 'emergency' plans in place that if I text or send an IM to a friend with certain key words, the police will show up at my door. Right now he thinks any phone call I am making is to a 'new boy friend.' (so NOT, but he can continue to think that) He has been close to anger a couple of times but I am lucky that his ex-wife showed him the impacts of a court order of protection, so for right now he is watching his behavior.