@Aldistar,
Aldistar thank you so much for sharing that with me. Funny how many similarities there are.....
Aldistar wrote:
Once again I know how you feel. I even got to the point where i could purposefully cry out of only one eye so that I could be sitting right next to someone and they would never know I was weeping unless I turned to look at them. This came in handy most during car trips where I could not get away from his words but I would be damned if I let him see me cry. I would just even out my breathing, steel my face into an emotionless mask, turn my head to look slightly away out my window and jut let the tears come pouring out of my one eye. The bastard....
Ah yes, the car trips from hell. Wanting ever so much to just have him stop the car and let me out just so that I could get away from it.
I never will understand, he could be in a great mood, but he would get in the car and begin driving and boom 'instant asshole'. It got to the point I dreaded riding in the car with him anywhere.
I too have done the one eyed cry, at points it was hard to surpress the runny nose when one has tears flowing. I remember vividly an instance where he had been drinking on hot July night, we were about an hour away from home and I was driving while he proceeded to lay into me. I asked him several times to be quiet and that we would talk about it later. I yelled out "STOP IT" when I just could not handle any more bullying. I warned him 5 times that if he did not stop, I was going to pull off somewhere so that I could get out of the car and away from him. He still continued. Consequently, I pulled off the highway and into a closed office complex parking lot and got out of the car.
He got out and proceeded to continue his tirade. I told him that I would not continue to be treated in such a manner and if he continued I would leave him there. He must not have beleived me because he kept on...I handed him his cell phone and told him to call his sister to pick him and take him home. He said "Fine." I got back in the car and drove away, leaving him there. His sister lived relatively close to us, and I knew she was going to be passing by the area a short time later so I knew he would not be stranded completely with no way of getting home. I drove the whole way home, ignoring the 20 calls I got from him. A half hour or so after I got home, he rang the doorbell (he had a key but was putting on a show for his sis who could see from the car.) He was nice, too nice for the rest of the evening. The whole next day he accused me of leaving him stranded and that he had no choice to get out of the car and that his sister was quite put out that she had to stop everything she was doing to go pick him up.
Aldistar wrote:So very very true. That had to have been the hardest thing to explain to other people. Everyone thought we were so happy and then one day I finally just woke up and ended it. Everyone was shocked and looked at me like I was the horrible one. Sometimes I almost wish he had hit me once then I could have had some proof, some physical thing to show people and yell "See! He's a monster!" and have saved myself years of heartache from it. Plus I would not have tried so hard or stayed so long in the relationship. If he had ever so much as slapped me I would have had him in jail and all his crap in the dumpster within an hour. Amazing what we decide to live with. What we convince ourselves is OK.
The other day when I saw him, he made comments about how he still thought the marriage was worth saving. Yes, of course he would say that because he was living in heaven. He had someone who put up with him acting like a child and a bully and gave him a roof over his head. And yet even as he said that, he was absolutely convinced that the only reason I did not still want to be with him is because I had found someone else.
It's too bad, because I could communicate until I was blue in the face and show him instances where his behavior was abusive and it was either turned around so that I was abusing him in some way or I'd get a cursory "Sorry" with nary a hint of remorse in his voice.
He prided himself on 'letting go' of issues well before I would. Something inside him could not allow him to think, his actions were horrible. Why would I still have a reason to be upset?.... he said he was 'sorry' after all. But that never meant he owned up to his responsibility to adjust behavior in a more loving manner the next time.
Yeah, I was the bad guy in every instance. He had no choice in his actions....Ha.
