19
   

Need an exit strategy from a verbally abusive marriage

 
 
Reply Wed 29 Apr, 2009 11:56 am
I need help. Recently I have been hit with a clue-by-four that my husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am in shock that I did not realize all of this sooner. It is unfortunate that I fell right into what my my mother did with my stepfather and accepted that I was always the one at fault for my husband's unhappiness. As it turns out I was manipulated and verbally abused to the point it caused to me contemplate suicide and became severely depressed that medication became necessary just to deal with life.

I am currently seeing a therapist to talk through my issues but I need to do more than that for my continued emotional well being.

I have known husband for 12 years. We got legally married a year ago. (what in the heck was I thinking? I knew he was toxic in some ways but really had my eyes opened when I began reading about NPD. Every single description, fits my husband's reactions to my show of control over my own thoughts and feelings.

An example,

Last night I came home, talked with husband about my day for a few minutes then went to change out of my work clothes. I came back to the living room and asked hubby "Are you coming back to the office?" (this is where I spend some of my evening playing computer games, browsing the internet and just generally winding down. ) So, he says 'sure'. He has a couch, TV, laptop and everything he needs to keep himself occupied with whatever he wants in there and this is a nightly thing and perfectly normal for us to do. To make a long story short I found myself a victim of a verbal barrage of statements and indirect name calling because I would not say "yes" to his question of "Do you WANT me to come back?" Umm, well yeah seems to me a normal person would see my intial question as an indirect way of saying "Come back and let's be together." Well throughout the verbal barrage I remained completely calm, my tone was low and non combative. He escalated into yelling, telling me I was a sociopath, nasty, mean, inturupting, and being controlling simply because I did not answer his 'searching' question. Indeed he was looking for validation that he is loved but even though I countered his statements "You don't care about me!" He still refused to believe me and spent the next two hours in the living room sulking. I went out into the kitchen a couple of times and tried to act as though nothing was wrong. I had let the situation go but I was not going to give into his manipulation and move myself into the living room to 'share a show' with him when it was not something I wanted to do. I said "aren't you coming back to the office?" again. I got asked the question "are you going to stop being mean and nasty?" Argh. I gave him a completely shocked look as I could not believe he really thought I had said all the things he accused me of saying. (which I had not even hinted at. Remember I was calm the entire time. I didn't once try to tell him his feelings were not valid with the exception of trying to point out. "I didn't say that....that seems like it's an issue....You just called me a sociopath?" There was no sarcasim at all and I ended it that I was really worried that he took such an innocent question and made such a big deal out of it that he became the 'victim' without me doing anything at all to him. Ugh.

I had a phone call with my mother yesterday. I told her some of my suspicions and pointed out the behaviors that he was exhibiting and how I felt used (husband does not work, I do). She is part of the problem and says "He does love you...and you love him...you are going to work on this." From there I realized my mother is setting me up to remain in marriage that she was in with my stepfather. Now, I find myself friendless, in shock, and completely alone in my thoughts that I need to get out of this verbally abusive marriage.

So, I find myself now in need to come up with an exit strategy and need some advice on how to do it safely.

There are a lot of websites out there and I intend to take it very slow in an attempt to protect my assets and move on.

I purchased my house about 5 years ago. I did ALL the house hunting, put down the deposit, took out the mortgage all in my name as a 'single' entity at the time. My car loan was the same way and my car is completely paid off. I have given my husband the car I had before I purchased my current car so he has his own transportation.

We never set up a joint checking account. My money has always been direct deposited into an account I had before I met husband. I have a credit card which he is an authorized user on, but I am solely the one who is responsible for the bill. He has no credit what-so-ever with the exception of an old school loan from 20+ years ago that was never paid off. Everything we have done as a couple, for financial purposes is in my name solely. E.G. utlity bills, car insurance, etc. He has not worked for over a year now. Before his last job he did not work for about 3 years while I went to school to finish my Bachelors Degree. I have statements of his income and when comparing it with mine, it is evident that his pattern is that he does not work steadily.

So one of my first steps is to see a lawyer as I know husband is going to expect some sort of alimony or other monies to make up for the time he spent 'helping me' get my degree by doing things around the house, running errands and generally being a house husband. We don't have kids (thank goodness!!!!!!) so that at least does not muddy the waters with child support or other concerns. He thinks at this point that he is entitled to half of the equity in my house. While I do agree that he should get 'some money' as he allowed me to save up some in my savings account while he was working, I do not think he is entitled to my house equity. I pay for everything. He needs to get a job ASAP so that he will have a source of financial support. I fully expect him to refuse to the leave the house, so I may end up having to take drastic measures to protect myself which will include finding an apartment for him to live in. His past behavior shows he is not going to do this on his own. He is going to bad mouth me to his family and anyone he thinks will listen to the story of how I have hurt him. Between us we have 5 cats and a dog. The dog is clearly his but is so large he will have real difficulty finding a place where he can live that will take her. I have no problem with keeping her, but I know he is not going to allow that to happen. 2 of the cats, I have had for over 16 years so I highly doubt he will expect to keep them. I do have concerns that he may create stress in the house however that may impact these senior cats health. Sad The other three cats he is very likely to come up with any number of reasons why he should keep them. I will feel sad, yes, because I love those cats but I am not going to even fight that battle.

So, yes this post has turned out to be very long and I had not intended it to be, but I needed to get it out there and see if anyone has advice on an exit strategy. ...


 
shewolfnm
 
  4  
Reply Wed 29 Apr, 2009 12:25 pm
I left a man like that.
Though , he was a bit more extreme and abusive...

I made him find his own way.

My first suggestion would be to really sit inside your self and find the power to stop making his life for him.
Honey, it isnt up to YOU to find an apartment for him.
It isnt up to YOU to make it easy for him

When you say GO, that man needs to do it and you need to get the power to make it happen. This does not mean turning him into a kept man whos ex wife, or soon to be ex wife is paying his bills, worried about how he will survive and all around extending herself in the same way she is doing right now.
Divorce means end.......not enable.

No. doing this does not make you heartless. Please get rid of that idea. he is a grown man. YOU are a grown woman and do not need to take care of him any longer.

he has made a choice to not work after you were finished with school. Anyone can find work. He is continuing to make the choice to not work... that is not your responsibility. Please dont make it so. That is how he has gotten you where you are now and part of the behavior that makes this whole thing feel so comfortable for you.

There is a part of you that has to feel good about care taking. Find that part. Accept it. Love it. but stop feeding it right now or he will take you for everything he can because he knows you will do it.

Tell that to your lawyer. Let your lawyer know exactly what is going on in your home with out sprinkling the " he deserves it because_____" stuff on it. Dont go there.

That is the best advice I have.
I would even extend my phone number if you need someone to bounce ideas off of.
Leaving an abuser is hard. But if you are not 'harder' you will be right back where you are.

This is a big decision. And I wish you alllllllllllll the best with it. I really do.
MagicBlackCat
 
  2  
Reply Wed 29 Apr, 2009 12:52 pm
@shewolfnm,
Thank you very much for what you have said. You are right, I need to look out for me and me only. I didn't realize I was making excuses for his behavior. You have given me something to mull over.

I have just purchased a PO BOX and will be changing over addresses of my utlities and accounts so that he will not have access to my mail.

I suppose I should also think about putting passwords on some accounts to be sure he cannot get information from them or make changes to anything in my name.
sakhi
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Apr, 2009 11:50 pm
@MagicBlackCat,
Good luck, MagicBlackCat. Agreeing with everything Shewolf said....

Just something that struck from your post - of course you know him better. But just from your post, he struck me as extremely manipulative, unfair, and abusive. He uses your money and does not want to find work. Enough reason for you to leave.
However I just wanted to say that he didn't strike me as a person with NPD. The most unbearable and unmistakable trait of people with NPD are their notions of grandiosity and that everyone is jealous of them. And they are unbelievably cruel and positively evil.

As I said before - you know him best. If he does have NPD, try not leave the cats with him.
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 03:44 am
@sakhi,
Agree with all shewolf and sakhi and sorry you're going through this, MBC.

Shew's right -- the dude is a grown man. He can find his own damned apartment. Just like people over the age of 18 have been doing for millions of years. Ever since the primordial ooze first flopped onto dry land, creatures have been finding their own living spaces. Surely hubby can do the same.

As for your assets. Good on you that everything is separate, and you're right to start peeling the mail away into a PO Box. How does the dude get money? Do you give him an allowance or does he use an ATM and just get into your stash even though it's in your name? If it's the latter, you need another account, one that he does not have access to. Otherwise he's going to empty you of funds the minute he realizes the spigot on the gravy train is being shut off.

Passwords? Hell ya, change 'em. Say there was an attempt to compromise the account, anything, just get them changed. You'll know which ones you can change first without a serious tip-off happening before you're ready. I am not saying you need to really sneak around about this, but at the same time, if you're not quite ready for prime time, things could snowball more quickly than you're emotionally ready for. So, by all means, change the password for the gas company website now, but you may need to wait a tick before changing the bank account password. Like I said, a separate account that he knows zilch about would probably be a good idea right about now. Not that you are totally leaving him high and dry right now -- just protecting future assets.

Also -- start to set some dates for yourself. Just keep a calendar online (yahoo has one with their mail program), something private and password-protected. Give yourself a reasonable amount of time to do this, to move from today to divorce. I'd say one month is too quick and one year is dragging things out too long. Find your comfort zone and do something to work toward it every day or at least every week, whether it is organizing your finances, changing passwords, moving to protect your stuff or just seeing your therapist. Your attorney, of course, can give you more perspective on how long things will all take. Of course your appointment information goes into that private calendar.

Best to you, dolling. Call us when you need us. Smile
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 04:25 am
@MagicBlackCat,
MagicBlackCat wrote:

I need help. Recently I have been hit with a clue-by-four that my husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am in shock that I did not realize all of this sooner. It is unfortunate that I fell right into what my my mother did with my stepfather and accepted that I was always the one at fault for my husband's unhappiness. As it turns out I was manipulated and verbally abused to the point it caused to me contemplate suicide and became severely depressed that medication became necessary just to deal with life.

I am currently seeing a therapist to talk through my issues but I need to do more than that for my continued emotional well being.

I have known husband for 12 years. We got legally married a year ago. (what in the heck was I thinking? I knew he was toxic in some ways but really had my eyes opened when I began reading about NPD. Every single description, fits my husband's reactions to my show of control over my own thoughts and feelings.

An example,

Last night I came home, talked with husband about my day for a few minutes then went to change out of my work clothes. I came back to the living room and asked hubby "Are you coming back to the office?" (this is where I spend some of my evening playing computer games, browsing the internet and just generally winding down. ) So, he says 'sure'. He has a couch, TV, laptop and everything he needs to keep himself occupied with whatever he wants in there and this is a nightly thing and perfectly normal for us to do. To make a long story short I found myself a victim of a verbal barrage of statements and indirect name calling because I would not say "yes" to his question of "Do you WANT me to come back?" Umm, well yeah seems to me a normal person would see my intial question as an indirect way of saying "Come back and let's be together." Well throughout the verbal barrage I remained completely calm, my tone was low and non combative. He escalated into yelling, telling me I was a sociopath, nasty, mean, inturupting, and being controlling simply because I did not answer his 'searching' question. Indeed he was looking for validation that he is loved but even though I countered his statements "You don't care about me!" He still refused to believe me and spent the next two hours in the living room sulking. I went out into the kitchen a couple of times and tried to act as though nothing was wrong. I had let the situation go but I was not going to give into his manipulation and move myself into the living room to 'share a show' with him when it was not something I wanted to do. I said "aren't you coming back to the office?" again. I got asked the question "are you going to stop being mean and nasty?" Argh. I gave him a completely shocked look as I could not believe he really thought I had said all the things he accused me of saying. (which I had not even hinted at. Remember I was calm the entire time. I didn't once try to tell him his feelings were not valid with the exception of trying to point out. "I didn't say that....that seems like it's an issue....You just called me a sociopath?" There was no sarcasim at all and I ended it that I was really worried that he took such an innocent question and made such a big deal out of it that he became the 'victim' without me doing anything at all to him. Ugh.

I had a phone call with my mother yesterday. I told her some of my suspicions and pointed out the behaviors that he was exhibiting and how I felt used (husband does not work, I do). She is part of the problem and says "He does love you...and you love him...you are going to work on this." From there I realized my mother is setting me up to remain in marriage that she was in with my stepfather. Now, I find myself friendless, in shock, and completely alone in my thoughts that I need to get out of this verbally abusive marriage.

So, I find myself now in need to come up with an exit strategy and need some advice on how to do it safely.

There are a lot of websites out there and I intend to take it very slow in an attempt to protect my assets and move on.

I purchased my house about 5 years ago. I did ALL the house hunting, put down the deposit, took out the mortgage all in my name as a 'single' entity at the time. My car loan was the same way and my car is completely paid off. I have given my husband the car I had before I purchased my current car so he has his own transportation.

We never set up a joint checking account. My money has always been direct deposited into an account I had before I met husband. I have a credit card which he is an authorized user on, but I am solely the one who is responsible for the bill. He has no credit what-so-ever with the exception of an old school loan from 20+ years ago that was never paid off. Everything we have done as a couple, for financial purposes is in my name solely. E.G. utlity bills, car insurance, etc. He has not worked for over a year now. Before his last job he did not work for about 3 years while I went to school to finish my Bachelors Degree. I have statements of his income and when comparing it with mine, it is evident that his pattern is that he does not work steadily.

So one of my first steps is to see a lawyer as I know husband is going to expect some sort of alimony or other monies to make up for the time he spent 'helping me' get my degree by doing things around the house, running errands and generally being a house husband. We don't have kids (thank goodness!!!!!!) so that at least does not muddy the waters with child support or other concerns. He thinks at this point that he is entitled to half of the equity in my house. While I do agree that he should get 'some money' as he allowed me to save up some in my savings account while he was working, I do not think he is entitled to my house equity. I pay for everything. He needs to get a job ASAP so that he will have a source of financial support. I fully expect him to refuse to the leave the house, so I may end up having to take drastic measures to protect myself which will include finding an apartment for him to live in. His past behavior shows he is not going to do this on his own. He is going to bad mouth me to his family and anyone he thinks will listen to the story of how I have hurt him. Between us we have 5 cats and a dog. The dog is clearly his but is so large he will have real difficulty finding a place where he can live that will take her. I have no problem with keeping her, but I know he is not going to allow that to happen. 2 of the cats, I have had for over 16 years so I highly doubt he will expect to keep them. I do have concerns that he may create stress in the house however that may impact these senior cats health. Sad The other three cats he is very likely to come up with any number of reasons why he should keep them. I will feel sad, yes, because I love those cats but I am not going to even fight that battle.

So, yes this post has turned out to be very long and I had not intended it to be, but I needed to get it out there and see if anyone has advice on an exit strategy. ...




All of the advice on this thread is good.
Find a local attorney who specializes in matrimonial litigation.
Get the advice of your attorney about having him removed
from your house. Think defensively about all of your moves.
Give careful consideration to any problem that coud possibly arise
and address that problem beforehand.

It might be wise to have some company (competent bodyguards)
present when u ask him to leave. Have your attorney ask the police about assistance.
This guy is a parasite.
Lots of good luck.
MagicBlackCat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 08:46 am
@sakhi,
Sakhi,

Although he has never physically hurt me because he knows I would not stand for that one bit, the example I provided above is really one of the minor incidents. He does seem to think he is better than everyone else. Heaven forbid a cashier at the food place doesn't say "Thank you" when he hands over his money. He'll respond with "Well, I'm sure it says thank you on the recepit." then proceed to give the cashier a hard time, especially if he/she rolls their eyes or shows any outward sign of not caring. Then he'll come home and complain about the person, talk about calling the corporate office (and sometimes does) just to complain.

I also KNOW that he does not really value my safety or respect me. The other day we were driving home on the freeway and someone was following too close. He was the driver. He hit the breaks so that we went from normal freeway speeds down to about 30 in just a matter of seconds. I was seriously afraid we were going to be rear ended. We weren't thank goodness but even as I yelled out. "DOn't do that...it's not up to you to teach others how to drive." He said "Shut up! If you have such a problem with it, then maybe we shouldn't ride together ever."

His favorite saying on Saturday or Sunday morning when I am happily playing a computer game and sipping my nearly full coffee is to ask. "Will you get me more coffee?" Doesn't seem bad at first but if I say "no" at all I am met with a half hour long tirade of how "WHy do you always say "No" to the things I ask you to do?" While the one request is not that bad, I know it sets up the expectation that ANYTHING he asks I HAVE to do.

I don't even want to get started on the "You have more expertise than me, so in order for the 'team' (us) to get ahead, I need you to 'help' me with my resume. His idea of help?.......for me to sit there and take dictation of the phrases he says, make revisons as we go along, read back what 'we' have written and then critize and fight with me on any improvement suggestions I make. He won't fill out job applications on his own because his writing is so poor, he brings them home and has me hand write them. If it is an online posting, I have to find the position on whomever's website and submit it. If he goes a day without hearing from them, he assumes that 1) their system is messed up, 2) I never actually submitted it, 3) the resume didn't accurately portray his skills, 4) they are a messed up company because of ....this reason and that.........

Anyway, so sorry for rambling again folks. Last night I kept wavering in mind that perhaps I should give it a while and 'try' for the sake of my marriage to save it, but as I type these things out and put them in writing it really helps to gain perspective on the things he does and to remind myself how he is NEVER going to change.

He does not love me...even if he says he does. Those words are just being used to manipulate me into the things he wants from me. Like a vampire, he'll just keep sucking the life out of me.

As for the cats...he had cats when I met him, they have sinced passed on. He is going to try to use them against me because he knows how much I love them. I am not going to let him use them to manipulate me and thus have resigned myself to the fact that 'the less interest' I show toward keeping them, the bigger chance I have of him actually leaving them with me. Does that make sense?
MagicBlackCat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 08:59 am
@OmSigDAVID,
Defensively -- yes I agree. You make some good very points.

As I think about this more, I know he is not going to be very happy when he finds out. I have gotten an attorney referral from work and am going to sit down to discuss the legal aspects of everything before I start taking any major actions. My whole intent is to slowly (and very quietly) arrange a future for myself. My first start was to get the PO Box and set up a new e-mail account which he will not know. From here I plan on cleaning out files in the various computers, make back up copies of important documents, delete references to some of the forums I belong to and generally make it so that when I leave, he cannot find a way of communicating with me. I highly expect that when the news comes down, I am going to need to 'disappear' for a few months. This will probably mean I will have to live out of my home, until he is gone and then have a restraining order so that he cannot come to my work or my home after I have returned.

Today my task is to document for 'insurance purposes' the contents in the belongings in the house.....
0 Replies
 
MagicBlackCat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 09:10 am
@jespah,
Jespah

Thankfully he has no direct access to my checking account. (or passwords for that matter Smile ) but I think a call to the utlities and accoutns might be in order just to give them a heads up that they are not to allow husband to make any changes to anything.

WHen he needs to buy something he will ask for my debit card or use an Amex card that he is an authorized user for. It will be easy to simply call Amex and have his card cancelled so that he won't be able to really hurt me financially. I am thinking it will probably take about 4-8 months to get everything in order and hoping that I will have countered any damage he can do before he has a chance to even think about it.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 09:59 am
@MagicBlackCat,
Then that's your time period. 9 months let's say (in case of some sort of odd contingency or another). Give birth to a baby in 9 months -- give birth to your new self in the same amount of time.
0 Replies
 
sullyfish6
 
  0  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 10:16 am
He sounds very passive-aggressive. But who knows? Surely, he is difficult to live with. Expect a real drama when you do make the break.

He is not a mind reader, either. Many women expect men to pick up what we feel, not what we say. So your question of "Are you coming back to the office" was not what you meant or felt. You meant to say, "Will you join me in the office for some together time?" He may have felt that you were trying to manipulate him. He probably often misreads people and conversations, but then again, you were not clear with him.

So knowing that, you are going to have to be VERY verbally direct with him about the future. I suggest that you get the services of a counselor - preferably one that deals with abusive behavior - to make a break with him. He is going to run his games on you, attempting to wear you down. People like him enjoy this kind of challenge, so be prepared for a real hassle to get your freedom. Consider even moving to a new city, if possible.
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 10:17 am
@MagicBlackCat,
MagicBlackCat wrote:

Jespah

Thankfully he has no direct access to my checking account. (or passwords for that matter Smile ) but I think a call to the utlities and accoutns might be in order just to give them a heads up that they are not to allow husband to make any changes to anything.

WHen he needs to buy something he will ask for my debit card or use an Amex card that he is an authorized user for. It will be easy to simply call Amex and have his card cancelled so that he won't be able to really hurt me financially. I am thinking it will probably take about 4-8 months to get everything in order and hoping that I will have countered any damage he can do before he has a chance to even think about it.

It might be wise not to rely on a fone call.
Its always good to be able to point to something,
in case u need to hold them responsible.
Writing to Amex from someplace other than your home
might be prudent. Keep a copy, of course.

Obviously, u need to make sure that he will not find out prematurely,
e.g., by his unexpected loss of use of either of those cards.

Y did u marry a guy like that ?
MagicBlackCat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 10:34 am
@sullyfish6,
Thank you sullyfish. I further thought on the encounter later and I realized that I was not direct enough with him. That however, did not give him the right to lead to indirectly calling me names and sulking until I said "I'm sorry for your hurting your feelings." In essense I was being made to apologize for the assumptions he made that "I don't care about him."

He is very passive aggressive as I am just now coming to realize. He makes every situation out to be my fault, even if it has nothing to do with me. One time he had a huge fit (with my mom present) about the salad forks being mixed in with the dinner forks in the utencial drawer. I joked it off "Do you think they will get too crowded in there?" He didn't respond but the look I got was NASTY.

Yesterday I got refferals to a a counselor that deals with this sort of thing, and an attorney. I know he is going to play games and try to wear me down as much as he can. My idea is to simply not engage him and just pretend like everything is the same. Then when I am ready to make the cut, make it strong and permanent. If I stay in my house, I fully expect to need a restraining order to keep him away. If he mails me a letter at that point, it is going straight into the recycle bin unopened and unread. I am going to change my cell phone number and home number as well. Trying to think of other ways he might be able to find me too. I won't be staying at the homes of family or friends that he knows.
0 Replies
 
MagicBlackCat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 10:45 am
@OmSigDAVID,
Why did I marry a guy like that? *sigh* I was blind. I was stupid not to realize he was manipulating me until it was too late. I ignored the warning signs. Sad I have no excuse except to point my mother's marriage to my stepfather. He was this way. I kept having dreams about stepfather (he's long dead), as it turns out my subconcious was trying to scream at me that "YOU MARRIED YOUR STEPFATHER" argh. Yes....I am hoping a counselor can help me change my thinking and also help to reassure me that I am not Narcissistic as well. I sincerely don't think so, but then again the disorder may have me ignoring my own controlling and manipulative behaviors...? (like keeping full control of the financal side of things)

I won't even think about cutting his card off until I am ready to make the break, once that is done I have every intention of hiding as if I am in the wittness relocation program. (like staying in an apartment for a couple of months after he has moved out, changing my work hours,...etc)

Good point about a phone call. I will send a letter to each of them - certified so I'll have proof of recepit.
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 10:49 am
Your relationship with him sounds like a parent and child.
My daughter will do things like that to me to a certain extent...but... at 5 years old, it is expected.

At.......40? Its bullshit.

I agree that your begining steps need to be defensive.
Change your bank accounts
Change your credit cards
Start looking into how to ensure your motrgage is YOURS and not his.
Find out NOW, if he is entitled to anything from equity for the one year of legal marriage, and put that into an account separate from yours. Then leave it alone. When he is due his money, hand him the statements from it and be done.
You dont need to leave. If what you describe can be proven legally , you OWN that house. He does not. So you should not have to buckle down your home and your belongings. ( even though you do)
Purchase and hide new door handles with locks NOW, so that once the minute happens that he walks out you can pull out a drill and ensure he can not help himself back in.
Get a friend, or two in on this. The more you speak up, the more people will watch.
Someone else said notify police.. I would agree with that. I dont care if you think he will hit you or not. He may try to steal from you. He may try to falsify something, break in, you name it... So speak up. Silence is not your friend right now.

and STOP taking responsibility for him. If what you say hurts his feelings so be it. It is HIS turn to be on the opposite side of that fence.
A grown man, who lays back and refuses to even fill out an application and whines about it being done by his wife?
Oh dear.
Why does he think so low of you?
And please find out why you are comfortable with someone who thinks so low of you or you are doomed to repeat that kind of a relationship down the road .
Sad
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  2  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 10:52 am
@MagicBlackCat,
MagicBlackCat wrote:

Why did I marry a guy like that? *sigh* I was blind. I was stupid not to realize he was manipulating me until it was too late. I ignored the warning signs. Sad I have no excuse except to point my mother's marriage to my stepfather.


Stop right there.
You have insulted your self 3 times in less then 100 words.
If you feel that bad about yourself and your decisions, no one else around you will feel any different.

You are not worthless. You are proving it by doing this. Dont let anyone else, including yourself, tell you other wise.

This is going to be a big lesson and a hard hitting one. Put on your tuff gal gear and bully through it Smile
MagicBlackCat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 10:52 am
I am now wondering if it is a good idea to get a small storage place where I can begin to accumulate some of MY personal belongings...pictures, documents, jewelry, etc so that when I leave the house I am not worried about what he will take with him. I have an idea that he is going to take anything of value he can get his hands on, especially sentimental items. Of course it would need to be done carefully so as to avoid tipping him off that I am moving things out. The furniture, TV's, DVD players, DVD's CD's etc. He can have it all, they are just material possessions I can replace.
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 10:57 am
@MagicBlackCat,
I agree with a storage unit. Oh yeah

but

think about something first.


If you are willing to give him all the little ****, are you REALLY ready to deal with him taking his dear sweet time getting that stuff out?
I mean, he wont do it by himself so he will have excuse after excuse to just leave it there... then take it only as he sees fit, to turn around and expect you to store it.

you are giving him an anchor in YOUR life by handing over everything with out concrete division.
Take some time and write out what you are willing and not willing to divide.
Make a throw away list
a storage list
a husband takes this list
and a for sale list.
0 Replies
 
MagicBlackCat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 11:00 am
@shewolfnm,
shewolfnm wrote:

MagicBlackCat wrote:

Why did I marry a guy like that? *sigh* I was blind. I was stupid not to realize he was manipulating me until it was too late. I ignored the warning signs. Sad I have no excuse except to point my mother's marriage to my stepfather.


Stop right there.
You have insulted your self 3 times in less then 100 words.
If you feel that bad about yourself and your decisions, no one else around you will feel any different.

You are not worthless. You are proving it by doing this. Dont let anyone else, including yourself, tell you other wise.

This is going to be a big lesson and a hard hitting one. Put on your tuff gal gear and bully through it Smile


Shewolf Thanks for this! I will need to keep coming back and reading this to get it to sink in!
MagicBlackCat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2009 11:37 am
@MagicBlackCat,
Ok..i am setting up a vision that goes something like this...


1) Take defensive action now. Prepare for the worst case scenario that he will look for anyway he can to get me back and take the steps I can to ensure, he cannot contact me in the future.

2) Once legal actions are ready to go, drop the news, cancel his card, change my phone numbers, secure the belongings I intend on keeping and giving a notice of eviction. (with witnesses)

3) Disappear - Live away from the house for a couple of months to give him time to move his stuff. What he takes with him then, is his. There is NO OPTION for him to come back and get anything he leaves behind in the move.

4) Once I return to the house, change the locks. (Oh, and make sure he cannot get into my garage with a garage door opener he can purchase from the hardware store down the street - they have that info on file >.< )

5) fully expect that is going to try everything in his power to find me and convince me that he can change. IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. Call the police as necessary.
 

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