I need help. Recently I have been hit with a clue-by-four that my husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am in shock that I did not realize all of this sooner. It is unfortunate that I fell right into what my my mother did with my stepfather and accepted that I was always the one at fault for my husband's unhappiness. As it turns out I was manipulated and verbally abused to the point it caused to me contemplate suicide and became severely depressed that medication became necessary just to deal with life.
I am currently seeing a therapist to talk through my issues but I need to do more than that for my continued emotional well being.
I have known husband for 12 years. We got legally married a year ago. (what in the heck was I thinking? I knew he was toxic in some ways but really had my eyes opened when I began reading about NPD. Every single description, fits my husband's reactions to my show of control over my own thoughts and feelings.
Last night I came home, talked with husband about my day for a few minutes then went to change out of my work clothes. I came back to the living room and asked hubby "Are you coming back to the office?" (this is where I spend some of my evening playing computer games, browsing the internet and just generally winding down. ) So, he says 'sure'. He has a couch, TV, laptop and everything he needs to keep himself occupied with whatever he wants in there and this is a nightly thing and perfectly normal for us to do. To make a long story short I found myself a victim of a verbal barrage of statements and indirect name calling because I would not say "yes" to his question of "Do you WANT me to come back?" Umm, well yeah seems to me a normal person would see my intial question as an indirect way of saying "Come back and let's be together." Well throughout the verbal barrage I remained completely calm, my tone was low and non combative. He escalated into yelling, telling me I was a sociopath, nasty, mean, inturupting, and being controlling simply because I did not answer his 'searching' question. Indeed he was looking for validation that he is loved but even though I countered his statements "You don't care about me!" He still refused to believe me and spent the next two hours in the living room sulking. I went out into the kitchen a couple of times and tried to act as though nothing was wrong. I had let the situation go but I was not going to give into his manipulation and move myself into the living room to 'share a show' with him when it was not something I wanted to do. I said "aren't you coming back to the office?" again. I got asked the question "are you going to stop being mean and nasty?" Argh. I gave him a completely shocked look as I could not believe he really thought I had said all the things he accused me of saying. (which I had not even hinted at. Remember I was calm the entire time. I didn't once try to tell him his feelings were not valid with the exception of trying to point out. "I didn't say that....that seems like it's an issue....You just called me a sociopath?" There was no sarcasim at all and I ended it that I was really worried that he took such an innocent question and made such a big deal out of it that he became the 'victim' without me doing anything at all to him. Ugh.
I had a phone call with my mother yesterday. I told her some of my suspicions and pointed out the behaviors that he was exhibiting and how I felt used (husband does not work, I do). She is part of the problem and says "He does love you...and you love him...you are going to work on this." From there I realized my mother is setting me up to remain in marriage that she was in with my stepfather. Now, I find myself friendless, in shock, and completely alone in my thoughts that I need to get out of this verbally abusive marriage.
So, I find myself now in need to come up with an exit strategy and need some advice on how to do it safely.
There are a lot of websites out there and I intend to take it very slow in an attempt to protect my assets and move on.
I purchased my house about 5 years ago. I did ALL the house hunting, put down the deposit, took out the mortgage all in my name as a 'single' entity at the time. My car loan was the same way and my car is completely paid off. I have given my husband the car I had before I purchased my current car so he has his own transportation.
We never set up a joint checking account. My money has always been direct deposited into an account I had before I met husband. I have a credit card which he is an authorized user on, but I am solely the one who is responsible for the bill. He has no credit what-so-ever with the exception of an old school loan from 20+ years ago that was never paid off. Everything we have done as a couple, for financial purposes is in my name solely. E.G. utlity bills, car insurance, etc. He has not worked for over a year now. Before his last job he did not work for about 3 years while I went to school to finish my Bachelors Degree. I have statements of his income and when comparing it with mine, it is evident that his pattern is that he does not work steadily.
So one of my first steps is to see a lawyer as I know husband is going to expect some sort of alimony or other monies to make up for the time he spent 'helping me' get my degree by doing things around the house, running errands and generally being a house husband. We don't have kids (thank goodness!!!!!!) so that at least does not muddy the waters with child support or other concerns. He thinks at this point that he is entitled to half of the equity in my house. While I do agree that he should get 'some money' as he allowed me to save up some in my savings account while he was working, I do not think he is entitled to my house equity. I pay for everything. He needs to get a job ASAP so that he will have a source of financial support. I fully expect him to refuse to the leave the house, so I may end up having to take drastic measures to protect myself which will include finding an apartment for him to live in. His past behavior shows he is not going to do this on his own. He is going to bad mouth me to his family and anyone he thinks will listen to the story of how I have hurt him. Between us we have 5 cats and a dog. The dog is clearly his but is so large he will have real difficulty finding a place where he can live that will take her. I have no problem with keeping her, but I know he is not going to allow that to happen. 2 of the cats, I have had for over 16 years so I highly doubt he will expect to keep them. I do have concerns that he may create stress in the house however that may impact these senior cats health.
The other three cats he is very likely to come up with any number of reasons why he should keep them. I will feel sad, yes, because I love those cats but I am not going to even fight that battle.
So, yes this post has turned out to be very long and I had not intended it to be, but I needed to get it out there and see if anyone has advice on an exit strategy. ...