Need an exit strategy from a verbally abusive marriage

UPDATE:

Procrastination is truly an art.

Supposedly, he will have all his belongings out of the house by Monday evening. He will be house sitting for three weeks for a friend. He says to me, "If I can't find a place for me and the dog to go, I might be back. According to my lawyer this is my home until the divorce is final"

Fine...locks on the house will still be changed. Told him if he is in need of a place to stay that he should call me and we will talk about it. As far as I am concerned, he has no reason to return.

You all were right...the only way to completely get this leech off my back was a court order of protection. It will become necessary I have a strong feeling.

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When he calls to tell you he is coming back to the house I would leave it at a flat 'NO' and then just stick to it. Everytime he tries to bring it up just give a firm, flat no. If you let him back in it will be used against you later, like him getting the order of protection dropped with his last ex because she gave him a ride to the court house.

It will only sway the judge into believing that you must not have anything to fear from him if you allowed him back in the home. It will also go to support his claim that he cannot support himself at all and that you feel responsible for him.

Don't do it. I wouldn't necessarily believe anything that he claims his lawyer told him, either. Who knows if he is just making this stuff up?His lawyer could be of dubious character himself and spouts out crap that sounds legit with the knowledge that most people will just take his word for it.

Stick to your guns and ask your lawyer if what HIS lawyer is claiming is true.

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If u change your locks,
u shoud not forget the security of your windows.

Glass breaks.

Try to imagine how u 'd try to get in,
if u lost your keys.

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@OmSigDAVID,

good point. I put motion sensor alarms on the windows and doors.

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@MagicBlackCat,

oh and purchased pepper spray and put them in various safe places.

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@MagicBlackCat,

Good! You're prepared for the worse, and you should be!
He's a healthy man who could work and make his own living. There is absolutely
no reason for him NOT to work. You're not his mother and you are not
responsible for his financial welfare - he is!!
Just be glad to get rid of this leech soon. Congratulations, you're almost there!

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@CalamityJane,

CalamityJane wrote:

Good! You're prepared for the worse, and you should be!
He's a healthy man who could work and make his own living. There is absolutely
no reason for him NOT to work. You're not his mother and you are not
responsible for his financial welfare - he is!!
Just be glad to get rid of this leech soon. Congratulations, you're almost there!

Yes, and add to all that:
he was impolite to his wife who was supporting him,
instead of being grateful to her.

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@OmSigDAVID,

Quote:

Yes, and add to all that:
he was impolite to his wife who was supporting him,
instead of being grateful to her.

You all should stick to helping black cat get what she wants, rather than trying to justify what she wants by way of assassinating the character of a man you don't know. It looks to me like we have massive transference going on here, she transferring her self loathing to the character of the man. In any case she is clearly not a credible reference for this guy.

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@hawkeye10,

Quote:

Yes, and add to all that:
he was impolite to his wife who was supporting him,
instead of being grateful to her.

hawkeye10 wrote:

Quote:

You all should stick to helping black cat get what she wants, rather than trying to justify what she wants by way of assassinating the character of a man you don't know. It looks to me like we have massive transference going on here, she transferring her self loathing to the character of the man. In any case she is clearly not a credible reference for this guy.

I don 't give much credit to your advice,
nor to your characterizations.
She has not offered any indication of any loathing,
neither self, nor otherwise. R u projecting ?

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@CalamityJane,

It's been sad really, to see all the behaviors he has exhibted. He really does need long term help but I cannot wait around for it to happen. It just feels like the right thing to do. As I told him "This is something I need to do for ME." I don't wish him harm. I actually wish him a very fruitful life. I just will not allow it to hold me down from what I can accomplish. *flex* *RAWR!*

Ewww I really hate leeches! *stomps*

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Hi MBC! Just poking the thread to make sure you are still doing well. Did everything work out to satisfaction?

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@Aldistar,

Doing good.

He contested the divorce so things are delayed a bit. We will be working through a mediator to get the divorce settled.

I have a court order of protection waiting to be served on him if he shows up at my house.

He has finally stopped leaving daily messages on my voicemail and only sends an occasional e-mail.

1 Reply

@MagicBlackCat,

MagicBlackCat wrote:

Doing good.

He contested the divorce so things are delayed a bit. We will be working through a mediator to get the divorce settled.

I have a court order of protection waiting to be served on him if he shows up at my house.

He has finally stopped leaving daily messages on my voicemail and only sends an occasional e-mail.

I suggest that u consult with your California lawyer
to decide whether its a good idea to serve him with the order
before he arrives at your home. In some jurisdictions, a litigant
(meaning you) is not supposed to serve judicial process,
and service is void if it is served by a party to the litigation.

I have no knowledge of the law of California.

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@OmSigDAVID,

Thanks!

I'm in AZ. I have the phone number of the local sherriff and city police. I am not sure where he is staying from one day to the next so trying to get him served has been difficult. I figure as long as he leaves me alone, I am fine. *fingers crossed* So far so good.

If he shows up at my house, I will immediately be calling the sheriff (the station is within a half mile of my house) The sheriff will then serve him.

If he shows up at my work, I am parked under the security cameras so I will see him. Security guards also have his picture at their stations. We have someone able to serve in our building so he can be served there easily if he shows up.

1 Reply

@MagicBlackCat,

MagicBlackCat wrote:

Thanks!

I'm in AZ. I have the phone number of the local sherriff and city police. I am not sure where he is staying from one day to the next so trying to get him served has been difficult. I figure as long as he leaves me alone, I am fine. *fingers crossed* So far so good.

If he shows up at my house, I will immediately be calling the sheriff (the station is within a half mile of my house) The sheriff will then serve him.

If he shows up at my work, I am parked under the security cameras so I will see him. Security guards also have his picture at their stations. We have someone able to serve in our building so he can be served there easily if he shows up.

Pardon my error.
I 'd thought that u 'd said that u were in California.

I grew up in Arizona, many decades ago.

U can make a personal judgment of the requirements
of your own security. I believe that everyone shoud
be able to defend himself or herself not only from ex-husbands,
but from whoever might show up with malevolent, predatory purpose.

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Here's been e-mailing me a lot this week. Oy.

Subject line of e-mail: "DOG NEEDS HELP"

Turns out she needs her 3 month supply of medicine refilled. A new round of tests for her thyroid condition, her rabies and parvo shots.

I feel really bad for the dog but I had to say "that's not possible." In return I got 5 more e-mails that basically accused me of being cruel and inhuman, and that I was just like his family. They are telling him, he needs to take the dog to the shelter because he will never be able to find a place that will allow him to have her.

I may end up with her back at my house. I would have to find some other home for her however as I have the 5 cats to take care of. Must.not.enable.

Please someone tell me, the dog will be fine if I tell him to take her to the shelter if he can't keep her. I loved that dog, but she is a lot of work and expense that I just cannot handle. >.<

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@MagicBlackCat,

If you are unable to take care of her then finding a home for her is perfectly acceptable. He should be the one to do it since it is his dog. Taking her to a shelter is not a horrible thing, better than abandonment that some people do. If she has health problems then adopting her out might be harder and take longer, but you can take her to a no kill shelter where you know she will be taken care of until a suitable home is found.

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@MagicBlackCat,

Quote:

Please someone tell me, the dog will be fine if I tell him to take her to the shelter if he can't keep her. I loved that dog, but she is a lot of work and expense that I just cannot handle. >.<

A No-Kill Shelter would be Just the Thing!

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I fired my lawyer.

When not soon enough to be ex filed paperwork to contest the divorce, he did not complete the necessary paperwork to request concilation counseling that he wanted. My lawyer did absolutely nothing to request a hearing or move along the proceedings even though I called numerous times and asked 'what now?'

Last Monday not soon enough to be ex finally filed the request for the counseling. Now I must wait for 30-60 days before a counseling session to be scheduled.

In the meantime I have requested ex to return items which his family and he loaded onto a truck and which are in a storage facility until he finds a place to live. These items include christmas ornaments from when I was a child as well as some large items (stone pots) which came with the house when I purchased it. What I received back in response to my request was a series of accusations that I am being petty and that we can discuss the items to be returned during the counseling. His B-day was last week and he apparently thought I should have sent him a greeting card to acknowledge his B-day and our 'friendship' of 12 years and that he will be sending me one for my B-day in two months. I.Don't.Want.It.

I am so very tempted to send an e-mail back addressing all of the assumptions. He is again refering to a boyfriend which he believes I have. As much as I want to respond though, I know at this point it is probably best if I just try to forget about it entirely.

The time has come for me to 1) cancel my e-mail account so that he cannot send me more messages like this and 2) shut off my old phone so that he will not be able to try and call me. I know what I need to do but I am not doing it. Why? I'm not entirely sure. Argh..so frustrated...hurting still.

1 Reply

I 'm very pleased that I never got married.

David

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Need an exit strategy from a verbally abusive marriage

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