OK, now I'll be contrary...
There's instincts and there's instincts. I have to say, I was not overly impressed with the future hubby when I first met him. I'd been bemoaning the fact that I was single, and realized that if I was going to complain about being single I better start saying yes when asked out on dates. So I made a vow to say yes to anyone. Nothing unsafe, if I got a weird vibe I'd make it in a public place with a friend watching, but ANYONE.
The first was a truly smarmy guy I worked with, twice my age, who could NOT believe it when I (very reluctantly) agreed to go out with him sometime. We went to some local Greek celebration which was actually a lot of fun, I danced with all kinds of kindly old gentlemen in vests, and was friendly and open minded as I could be, but firmly said "no" to another date at the end of the evening.
Then came a few more, I don't remember the order, but then there were three guys in contention. I really liked one -- he was blond, beautiful, globe trotting, totally smitten, gave me things like a photograph he had taken of a child in Nepal and wrote Profound Sensitive things on the back of it about how the "glow" the child had reminded him of my "glow" -- that kind of thing. He was also a baaaad boy and I knew that but I liked him anyway.
The other was really nice, really sweet, kinda boring. I thought I should like him, but I didn't, not really.
Then there was E.G. He was a bit overeager, very nice-looking, to be sure, but he was going to be moving into my housing co-op (that's how we met) and that just kind of automatically put him in the uh-uh category for me, I guess. The point is, my instincts at that time were totally towards blondie. But I tried to keep an open mind, and E.G. waged a very successful campaign, and brought me around to his way of thinking eventually.
So, instincts are important, but not the be-all and end-all. (SO glad I didn't end up with blondie. He HATES E.G., and keeps asking mutual friends if we've split up yet.)
Our instincts and our place of mind usually have something to say about each other.
In the end.....whatever works...works
Although I belive instincts are good with the vibes thing, no...not end all be all...just good if you feel bad vibes actually, or negative vibes..you must know your own vibes, thats for sure, and you must know when to tell them to be quite so you can have a life
I listen to my instincts and I keep them in mind. I don't make snap-decisions by them. Hell, I don't make snap-decisions about anything ever!
Well Sozobe your life has not been boring,
has it? One who never tries - may never
hope to succeed. It's easy enough to get
out of one if it isn't what you're looking for
I believe that there are people who we are
pre-destined to meet. Our soul mates!
What does seem odd to me, is that someone
you are attracted to right off the bat has just
about the same amount of attraction, in another
way, as a someone who you argue with, disagree
with -constantly. It SEEMS that negative AND
positive persons both equal a high emotional
investment. Just at opposite ends of the
spectrum. Whether you adore someone on
sight, or are irked every time you see or
hear from thrm - they both have the same
degree of pull.
You're absolutely right on that count Babs! That's the thing I'm trying to chart with the brit. Am I irked by him, or attracted to him... Or is it a little of both?
Hmm, (you've got me doing it now), I was getting at something a little more subtle than not making snap decisions, not clearly enough though I guess. Basically, in a dating kind of environment, I probably would have not bothered with E.G. However, I saw him every day, several times a day, since he was in the process of moving into my house (not just the physical moving but this thing called "membershipping"), and so he was able to convince me. If it was a "do you want to go out on Saturday?" kind of thing, and only that, I'm not at all sure I would have gone with it, and that would have been my loss. So my instincts (which are quite possibly not nearly as good as yours) didn't actually serve me very well there.
Soz, everybody's instincts are as good as anybody else's. The primary way to meet potential dates is something called proximity. Those people you see regularly - neighbors, co-workers, friends of friends, other dog-walkers.... Those venues aren't open to me really. My neighbors are all older or young women, my friends right now are my family and they don't have many single and hetero friends, My housemates are 7 and 10myears younger than me, I don't have co-workers. And mydog is a fighter. There is a guy my sister works with who I think is cute. There's a band-mate of my housemate's boyfriend who is cute, there's aguy in theneighborhood who walks his dog by my house. I just need the drive/confidence to talk to them.
Well, I'm not really talking about instincts. I'm saying that some fits are better than others, and I wouldn't settle for a fit that isn't excellent. Dating and going out with lots of men is fun, but I wouldn't get overly committed to any man that is not a really good match in terms of affinity, common interests, goals, and sexual attraction and appetite.
yep... and my spelling gets worse each passing day
Somehow, I never thought of little k as lacking in confidence.
Roger - it's a whole lot easier to be confident online.
welllll, I just told the brit I wasn't going to get romantic with him.
Good for you. That's the way you seemed to be leaning, and gutsier to say so than to go with the flow. (Lacking confidence? Nah.)
I lack the confidence to go up to a stranger who I think is cute and start talking to him. I always assume every guy I see out there is somehow "taken" (married, girlfriended, gay....).
Boy, am I gever getting a free re-education on dating by just lurking here. I can feel the rust dissolving with every post I read.
littlek, do you mean that if you knew for a fact that if someone was available, you'd have no problem striking up a conversation? If so, just go for it -- unless he just got out of a car bearing a "Just Married!" sign and containing a gal with a veil, how are you supposed to know? Most everyone appreciates being noticed, and if it turns out he's not available, big whoop. Move on to the next one.
Good advice, but I feel like littlek on this one. That's a lot of psyching up for a maybe abrupt letdown. You know, it kind of tells you you can't tell the difference between friendly and available.
Ya know, it's funny how much easier it is now that I'm taken myself; the stakes are a lot lower (hopefully).
Yeah, I really have to temper the urge to advise since I actually have no idea what I'm talking about. I've been taken since I was 21, and I know things are just way different at that point.
