ME MYSELF I - The pros & cons of the solo life

@msolga,

Lol...and some like me who were coupled for some time and now single again! Twice if you count the one I don't talk about who seems to have put me off for life!

Actually...I think perhaps was coupled already during the thread...there is a certain passion in the"trail of stuff everywhere he goes in the house" comments.

That fella was, indeed, a great trailer of stuff.

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@dlowan,

Yes indeed, Deb!
So, are you going to tell us about these developments?

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@msolga,

I think I likely wrote about L when he was around from time to time, and he was around for a bit.

Perfect in many ways...lived in Brisbane.....

As for the one after who seems to have put me off for life.....don't want to think about him.

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@dlowan,

Ah.
Long distance love!
Not the easiest to maintain, yes?

Quote:

As for the one after who seems to have put me off for life.....don't want to think about him.

Oh.
I won't ask then.
Too personal.

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@msolga,

LDL suited me way fine!!!!

We met often enough for me.

His job gave him lots of frequent flyer points, and I enjoyed when we met up in other places in Oz.

Put off fella was more funny than tragic....but I do seem to be put off!

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I'll tell your what I learned as a result of living on my own for the first time in years & years ... (the point at which I started this thread)

I really need some regular time to myself, solitude.
Time out from everyone, actually.
If I don't get enough of it, I go into a sort of "overload mode".
Not good at all for me, or my nearests & dearests.
Took me years to understand this.

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@msolga,

MsO - about that solitude. (I need it too.) I think as a rule we humans don't allow for it, we even pathologize it a bit. In reality, we are an adaptable species; we get used to having a companion and get used to being alone. When we're used to one way of life, we are uncomfortable with the other. This leads us to misunderstand those who are in 'other' situations than us. It also makes it hard for us to transition from couple to single and back again. I feel like I've been single for so much of the last 15 years that it would be really hard to be in a relationship. I'm watching my brother right now struggle with the beginning stages of a relationship where he is not giving himself (or taking for himself) enough time alone. He's getting cranky. I mentioned it to him. We'll see how long it takes for him to inform his partner that he needs some space and how his partner reacts to that request.....

What's seen as normal in America is being in a family - marriage with kids. In fact, that is not reality at all. More women live without a partner, here, than with. That includes all adults. Those stats reflect the fact that women outlive their partners and are marrying later. But, facts is facts. I should feel better about being single, but I still feel like people think I'm odd.

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@dlowan,

LDLs can be a fine thing!

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@littlek,

littlek wrote:

LDLs can be a fine thing!

I hear you!

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i'd prefer LSD

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haven't read the thread from the start... but

"put off" too! yada yada yada

fer sure!

I prefer DSL-------------------------------------------------->R Wink

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@littlek,

Quote:

MsO - about that solitude. (I need it too.) I think as a rule we humans don't allow for it, we even pathologize it a bit. In reality, we are an adaptable species; we get used to having a companion and get used to being alone. When we're used to one way of life, we are uncomfortable with the other. This leads us to misunderstand those who are in 'other' situations than us. It also makes it hard for us to transition from couple to single and back again.

Yes, I so agree.
Good, thoughtful post, k.

Quote:

What's seen as normal in America is being in a family - marriage with kids. In fact, that is not reality at all. More women live without a partner, here, than with. That includes all adults. Those stats reflect the fact that women outlive their partners and are marrying later. But, facts is facts. I should feel better about being single, but I still feel like people think I'm odd.

Is that so?
That more women live without a partner in the US than with?
I wonder if that's the case in Oz & other countries.
Interesting.

How do people make you feel "odd"?
Yes, you/we ought to feel better about it than we sometimes do.
I must confess, I too, to sometimes feeling odd when asked the perennial question, when meeting new people: How many children do you have?
As if that's automatically the situation with everyone "normal". Smile

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@Izzie,

Hi there, Iz!
Welcome to this ancient thread. Smile

Quote:

"put off" too! yada yada yada

fer sure!

I'd be very interested to know more, or anything else you'd care to comment about the on subject, but no pressure, OK?

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Oh just one last thing ....
Any of you men out there are more than welcome to post your thoughts here, too.
It may look, at first glance, that this is a "women's thread".
Not so.
I reread the whole lot yesterday (took me hours!). There are some terrific posts from men, as well as women. Grand Duke (sadly no longer posting here) & mapleleaf, amongst quite a few others, had some very interesting thoughts on the single life from the male perspective.
So feel free, OK?
(just in case you were wondering Smile

)

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How about that Larkin poem? Wasn't that something? Back on page one.

The first time I ever lived alone I was 49 and I definitely crashed in a bad way. Real bad depression. Real bad. That lasted 2 months and I had to bail to a friend's house.

This time around has been great. I can't see sharing my place with anyone ever again.

Well...let me amend that. My brother who is 50 moved in 2 months ago and he's not a bother in the kitchen or anything but he doesn't bloody do anything. All day. Every day. I've tried getting him to do chores but he just won't. He just sits on the internet all day long.
After a hard day at work it just infuriates me.
You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family!

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@panzade,

Quote:

How about that Larkin poem? Wasn't that something? Back on page one.

It sure is, panz.
Sort of hits me in the pit of my stomach each time I read it.
<sigh>

Quote:

Home Is So Sad
by Philip Larkin

Home is so sad. It stays as it was left,
Shaped to the comfort of the last to go
As if to win them back. Instead, bereft
Of anyone to please, it withers so,
Having no heart to put aside the theft.

And turn again to what it started as,
A joyous shot at how things ought to be,
Long fallen wide. You can see how it was:
Look at the pictures and the cutlery.
The music in the piano stool. That vase.

Quote:

The first time I ever lived alone I was 49 and I definitely crashed in a bad way. Real bad depression. Real bad. That lasted 2 months and I had to bail to a friend's house.

Was it the actual experience of living alone, or the circumstances that caused you to be in that situation?
It is definitely not much fun being alone when the circumstances are beyond your control & you'd clearly prefer that things were otherwise.

Quote:

This time around has been great. I can't see sharing my place with anyone ever again.

Well...let me amend that. My brother who is 50 moved in 2 months ago and he's not a bother in the kitchen or anything but he doesn't bloody do anything. All day. Every day. I've tried getting him to do chores but he just won't. He just sits on the internet all day long.
After a hard day at work it just infuriates me.
You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family!

How long do you have to put up with your brother's (obviously unwanted) presence in your home, panz?
Is there a way to gently nudge him on his way?

I know what you mean about enjoying your home & not really wanting to share the space with anyone else. (In my case, it's a tiny space. It'd be one heck of a squeeze, apart from anything else!)
Could I ask why this second solo stint was so much better than the first?
Is it because you're older, wiser & less dependent on other people now?

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Hmm... living alone I do not do as I have housemates. I guess I refer to living without a love interest.

From the NY Times

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2007/01/16/us/0116-nat-webCENSUS.gif

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/16/us/16census.html

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And an article from Oz:

Quote:

......The Mosaic 2008 analysis reveals 51.4 per cent of women are opting for the singles lifestyle in a new phenomenon billed as "Bridget Jones meets Sex and the City".

The survey also estimates that up to a quarter of women will never have children......

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/single-women-now-have-the-upper-hand/story-e6frfkp9-1111115778111#ixzz1IWMjrMY5

http://www.news.com.au/single-women-now-have-the-upper-hand/story-e6frfkp9-1111115778111

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@littlek,

Hmmmm...
Interesting, k.
I am going to have to read the article now.
(Interesting that there are more "never married" men than women in 2005. I would have thought it was the other way around.
Also very surprising that (apparently) 45% of women weren't living with a spouse in 1950! Even though 65% were. )
Gotta do a bit more reading. Thanks!

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@msolga,

Quote:

"Home is where the heart is."
Let me share some advice
to the absentminded like myself.
It's probably in the same place
where you last put down your wallet and house keys.

A quick poem from myself in a bad attempt to procrastinate going to bed for the night.

The nuclear family has ruled the roost in most if not all western based societies, I suppose persons living a singular life (be it a willing or unwilling existence) are the rogue radioactive particles.

I wonder how long an economic recession or worse a depression would have to last in order to shatter the nuclear family model and bring back the extended family as a reliable family unit.

There are benefits to living the single life but the lack of emotional security is its greatest form of kryptonite. Personally, I find this singular existence bordering on a personal limbo.

I miss living with my best friend Marietta. It wasn't easy and at times it made life somewhat static. Though this will sound phony or cheesy or both, but I miss the occasional hug now and then.

I'm a rare bird. A romantic realist. Will indefinitely remain single (realist) though not such a fate (romantic). And I'm not really looking for a love interest rather just a good friend.

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ME MYSELF I - The pros & cons of the solo life

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