ME MYSELF I - The pros & cons of the solo life

Sleep tight!

I did, thank you, Deb.

Like a log, as the saying goes ...

Back here soon.

Thank the goddess it's the weekend! Phew!

Back again. After another sleep!
Very tired person here.

Deb, you asked: how's the single life going?

Not too bad at all.
I reread my first few posts to this thread (following the relationship break-up, my first experience of living alone in years, the sale of my/our beloved home, and all the rest (!) .... )
Was that really all of 9 years ago?
Wow, how time flies!

When I read those early posts I see a not-too-brave person putting on a brave front.
I was actually pretty wobbly then. Maybe very wobbly? (ha, but you knew that anyway! )

So how's life going now compared to then?
I can honestly say I feel a lot stronger in myself. And probably like myself a lot better, too.
There are a lot of things I worried about then (about being on my own, after years & years of "coupledom" ) which are non-issues now.

I don't know whether it's because I'm older & wiser (I hope!) or whether I've simply adjusted to a new way of living, but life (apart from the inevitable financial difficulties) seems a lot simpler & calmer than it was before.
But more importantly perhaps, I understand that whether I'm feeling happy or contented with my life or not has everything to do with me.

Which is not to say that I don't have times when I feel lonely, or times when I feel some nostalgia for "coupled life" - or worry a bit if I fall off a ladder while pruning & break a leg & am not found for weeks!
But I figure it's better to feel the odd moments of aloneness when actually on one's own. Rather than when in a relationship. Which was how it was.

I can't see myself living under one roof with anyone again - whether in a close relationship with another, or for any other reason, really.)
BUT at the same time I think I enjoy the company of people - including men - a lot more (I confess I was "man shy" for quite a while after the end of that convoluted relationship).

The other thing I've learned: I need quite a bit of time to myself, to unwind, to make sense of things, and just because I like it that way! It suits me.

Anyway, enough about me.
What about you, Deb?
Also others who posted here earlier on.
Do you see things differently now, compared to then?
I'd love for you to share your thoughts!

I didn't post "then", but my views haven't changed. I am content to be by myself, and have been that way ever since girlfriends became hormonally and socially an option (which is to say when I was 12 or 13). Reinforcing my psychological disposition about relationships, the marriages in my family tend to be super-good or super-bad. I know that being single beats the crap out of being with the wrong partner and breaking up with her; I know that the right partner is worth waiting for.

My attitude has served me well. Four times over the last 30 years, women who were right-partner material walked into my life. I'm still friends with all of them. But #1 and #2 got into very stable relationships of their own before I dared to make a move (I'm shy), #3 and I slid back into "just friends" mode after a year, when I stopped having a life because of physics and gained enormous amounts of weight. Finally, #4 was a fellow loner, which made it doubly-hard to start a relationship.

As far as I am concerned, I suppose I could have started and maintained marriage-like relationships with all four of them if I had made it a priority. But aside of these things not being entirely up to me, I'm just too content being by myself to really make them a priority. So to come back to MsOlga's question: no, my views haven't changed.

Good to see you here, Thomas.
(Wonderful. A new poster to this thread, after all this time! )


I must say you were an unusually wise 12 or 13 year old.
Advanced, even!
Couldn't agree more (though I reached a similar conclusion considerably later in life!)

I'll try to come back and post, want to reread, plus busy distracting myself in other ways.

Oh good, osso!
I really hope you do.

The last words that my dad said to me before we sang together.

Letty, quit grinning at me like a possum.



I also can't believe that some young gal did not spend her time running her fingers through Thomas' curly hair.

It took me some time, but it was worth it to read every contribution to this thread. So many folks that I really like are missing.


I used to want to be alone until it was forced on me; then it became, "one is the loneliest number".

Many animals here are missing.

Kuvasz and Patiodog. Stray cat and happy cat

Welcome, Letty, possum!
Always interested in what you have to say.


I'm really sorry that this has been your experience of the solo life.
Are the people where you live crazy?
Me, I'd jump at making your acquaintance ... it would be an absolute pleasure to get to know you a lot better!
I'm thinking maybe you're living in the wrong place?
I don't know anything at all about where you live in Florida ....
But I see you as someone who would thrive somewhere where there's lots of interest in music, where you you had the opportunity to sing!, where there are poetry societies, where you could just be you & appreciated for the terrific person you are....
What do you say to that, Letty?


I know.
This thread is wonderful (to me) because of the honesty & the insights of so many thoughtful people who were willing to share what they had learned.
I miss so many of those people, too.
I've learned so much about A2Kers from this thread I've really valued.
But, there is nothing to stop newer A2K folk from posting, too, from their perspective.
I'm really hoping that they will.

-

I remember the first time during my twenty-year marriage when the ex was off to a theater festival for three months and my kid had moved out to seek his career in music, so I was, literally for the first time in my life, alone. (I had always either lived at someone's house or had my kids or had moved in with somebody with my kids.)
I said to her on the phone one night that the weirdest thing about being alone was that everything stayed where you put it.

She said she had had that same thought during the six or seven years she had lived by herself before meeting me. Always had to top me. (She should have stayed single, but that is another thread.)

Anyway, so we split. Good. I was alone. Good. I switched everything around in the apartment so it was my place....and I settled into the routine of being alone. No pets. So, everything was exactly the same in the evening as it was when I had locked the door on my way out in the morning.
Okay.
Fast forward three and half years:
I've met someone. (yipes, so this is love, yadda yadda yadda)
BUT
we live 111 miles from each other.
I know.
Brilliant, that's us.

What we do is I go up there to the country for a weekend and then in a couple of weeks she will come down to the city for some days.
She just arrived last Friday afternoon and left yesterday morning.
Which is why I'm writing this today.
We'd been doing this go up and come back, come down and go back for nearly two years and....I have the same experience ever single time she leaves.
First, I have to tell you, our time together is very intense (yes, that too) but also in the time we spend cooking together and walking around the city and running along the trails in Inwood and watching movies and blah blah blah.

Here's the experience and it seems to me to be miniaturized in some way.(Remember, she's only been in the apartment four days)
She leaves after I go to work. We say goodbye as I wait for the elevator.
When I return that night, first, I am a little stunned that that the door is locked.
Second, it is quiet. The fan is off, there is no Spotify or Pandora playing.
Third, I have to fight the urge to say "Hello?" and (I really do this) I go into the bedroom to see if she is really gone.
She is.
Just her little flipflops are by the bed. (okay.....I let out a sob)
~~~
Then I am drawn back into the actual present. I make my dinner. I put everything in the dishwasher. I do all the regular other stuff, mail, bills, return emails and go to bed.
~~
She left yesterday. I won't be going up until the 3rd of July.

I will do this exact 'why is'nt the door locked,wow, it's quiet I wonder if she's sleeping --n0--routine about four more times before settling into and knowing I am living here alone.
I know I'm okay when I start noticing that nothing has been moved.

So, I'll go up in early July, spend the weekend (I've begged for the fifth and the sixth like everybody else in America.) then she will come down in late July on a Friday afternoon and meet me at the apartment with dinner cooked and a bit of wine already poured...stay until Wednesday and then leave.
and
I
will have the exact "wait a minute, this door is locked... blah blah yadda yadda .. experience.
Am I trapped in a psychic loop?

Because if I am it's a good one.

Joe(anybody else do this?)Nation

Fine tuning my obnoxious persona, I thought I would offer the following definition that my mother (born just past the beginning of the 20th century) as to why some men remain bachelors: "Many are just selfish, and do not want to share their lives with anyone." I notice that she didn't emphasize their not sharing material possessions, just one's life. I personally feel that early poverty can make one very selfish in adulthood with one finally getting possessions. Regardless, I have an inkling that in more than one instance she is correct. However, since so many men would make poor mates/fathers, the fact that many women do not marry often is due, in my opinion, to the fact that women do not lower their standards to "just get married" (at least these days when women can support themselves financially).

I think my mother's definition of the cause of bachelorhood was sort of unique, since in her time, the often used explanation was that the bachelor was a homosexual or perhaps a celibate; more often a homosexual.

Happy Groundhog Day?

Interesting & thoughtful post, Foofie.
I'm wondering: are you one of these"selfish bachelors" your mother had such strong opinions about?

Yes.....sprinkled with a bit of deja vu.

Joe(I am back to normal when I start speaking to myself out loud.)Nation

One definite pro of the solo life: You can concentrate on your running. Joe Nation's Marathon time is greatly jeopardized by all this cooking together, eating together, and whatever else he and his better half are doing together. And the weird thing is, he seems happy! If you tried to talk to him about his problem, he would vigorously deny he even has a problem. Must be an addiction thing.

Contrast this to me. Because I'm solo, I can entirely concentrate on chiseling my body with vigorous exerc. . . . well, actually, I don't do much of that these days, either. But I could.

If you think it was a thoughtful post, then you are complimenting my mother. She was intelligent, in my opinion, in an era when women were supposed to defer to the male ego. She got a high school diploma back in the days when public school was only mandatory up to the eighth grade. Not a rocket scientist, I know, but still she was ahead of the curve, in my opinion. She was a teenager when women first voted.

My life is not an open book, so I cannot answer your other thought. You could answer your own question if you thought about it a little.

The really sad thing, Thomas, is that she is a runner too. Five years ago, (before we met) she had to use a cane to walk as she recovered from the effects of her stem cell treatment and the chemo. Last November, we ran a five mile race together in my old home town.
She runs every other day, just about three miles (or less) but she is getting faster.
Um.
So, how did I gain twenty three pounds since we met?
Not her fault.
Olive oil, bagels, cheese, bagels, pasta, bagels and also, maybe too many bagels.
Started training in earnest about a month ago. I'm down about six pounds and the times on the five mile races are dropping.
~
When my ex left I was so happy, I didn't have to be on duty anywhere! I could run in the mornings and the nights! And I did.

What happened when I became unemployed?? Really started to run, right??

Joe(no. go figure)Nation

I am going to cut down on the olive oil and see.

I now have a live in helper.

That means that I cannot walk around the apartment naked.

Plus, one of the disadvantages of living in a condo is that neighbours can see inside (I think)

If you can see them they can see you.

OK, Foofie, fair enough.
I did reread your post ... then thought a little more ...
And, by golly, I think I've got it!