ME MYSELF I - The pros & cons of the solo life

This is really an interesting thread, had missed the most recent exchanges (since the 10th or so), just getting caught up.

So this is late now, but wanted to add that while both my mom and dad did not deal with their divorce very well, my dad was far worse off for a long time, and depended on me to get him out of it. I think many men just haven't been given the emotional tools to be self-sufficient -- I don't think it's necessarily anything inherent, I think it's a socialization thing. Not that much different from many women not being given the knowledge of how to fix things.

At any rate, I think my dad is typical of a lot of men of his generation and older (my generation and younger seem to have a lot more promise) in that he depended on women to do the emotional heavy lifting -- tell him what he was feeling and what he should do to make himself feel better, if not out and doing it for him. When my mom moved out, he became a hermit, basically, only going out to deliver his mail route -- which is where he met his only two relationships (the postman always rings twice and all that), both disastrous. Then I stepped in and wrote a personal ad on his behalf, and he's been with the woman he met that way ever since. And she's been doing plenty of heavy lifting, which I don't envy much, but she does seem to get a lot out of the relationship, too.

Anyway, point is that my dad is an example of someone who dealt with the end of a relationship terribly. My mom had a very, very difficult time as well, but had a (non-me) support system, lots of friends, a book club, a therapist, etc.

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Ah yes, soz. The very dependent male thing, I mean. I've often wondered why women seem so much braver, or something, about facing the reality head-on. Almost as if there's an urgent need to do it, while many men I've known (up close & from a distance) seem to flounder until they find their next emotional support. I don't know the answer to that, just keep wondering why it's so .... Perhaps some insightful A2K men can shed some light on this?

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Well here it is ~ post-Christmas. I'm not sure if this rant belongs here or in one of the "bah humbug" threads, or in my trashcan, but ...

What's with the single coffee mug? This year, for the 4th in a row, I have received a basket of goodies (much appreciated) and a single, very nice coffee mug. Each one is different. Very different. Nice, but singular.

Does one say something? Such as:

Thanks! For driving home the "I'm single" point.
Thanks! I'd have you over for tea, but I only have one cup.
Thanks! I'll just troll the bars with it in hand, and if I find someone with it's twin, I'll know that I've found my soulmate.
Thanks! It'll look great next to my sign "Please help me" sign when I take up my street corner post.
Sorry! Do you need a donation so that you could buy a complete set?

Aaaahhhhh, that feels better. Rant over.

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I can't believe I just found this thread. It is excellent. Lots of good reading here.

I live alone and have been for nearly two years now. I'm 26 now (quickly approaching 27) and this is my second time living alone. The last time I did it was much different - I had friends sleeping over a lot, and a boyfriend that might as well have been splitting the rent!

This time around is much different. I am actually alone. All in all it has been a very good experience for me. It marks a special time in my life - a time where I realized that my life is my own and I can do things without anyone else to rely upon. That was a huge deal for me. My whole life up until these last two years has been a swirl of people. I grew up in a home that was always packed and partying was the norm, and I later went on to party myself stupid in many different living arrangements.

Sometimes I get lonely. Occasionally, I start dwelling on the idea of how nice it would be to wake up to a hubby snoring beside me, and a few kids jumping on the bed. Then I remember all the things I enjoy about being on my own; and all the work I have ahead of me before I can be the person I want to be to a family. This is a season; and other seasons will come with their ups and downs as well.

Tico, I can very much relate to the 'single coffee mug' scenario. I get gifts like that too; usually with a few jabs thrown in for good measure. I got myself a nice espresso machine this year though; and went ahead and bought myself 4 cups! they are demitasses, and on occasion I get to use more than one. Razz

I often have to deal with commentary from otherwise tactfully people and loved ones. Many find it odd (or even sad) that a young woman would actually choose to live alone. I do have a nice bf and some good friends, but am putting off 'moving in together'. I like where I am right now.

Soz, I know what you are saying about men. The younger generations of men still have a good lot of them who are like that. I can't tell you how many guys I have dated who have never, ever lived alone. My bf has never done so. In a way it bothers me. I would like for him to 'prove his meddle' or something before living with him. I would like to know how he gets by on his own, and how he would run his home.

Thanks for listening. I'll be back to read more. Smile

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flushd wrote:

This time around is much different. I am actually alone. All in all it has been a very good experience for me. It marks a special time in my life - a time where I realized that my life is my own and I can do things without anyone else to rely upon. That was a huge deal for me.

Sometimes I get lonely. Occasionally, I start dwelling on the idea of how nice it would be to wake up to a hubby snoring beside me, and a few kids jumping on the bed. Then I remember all the things I enjoy about being on my own; and all the work I have ahead of me before I can be the person I want to be to a family. This is a season; and other seasons will come with their ups and downs as well.

This is me twenty years ago. And you are so right, flushd. It is a season. A glorious one with so many more, hopefully, to come.

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Tico wrote:

Well here it is ~ post-Christmas. I'm not sure if this rant belongs here or in one of the "bah humbug" threads, or in my trashcan, but ...

What's with the single coffee mug? This year, for the 4th in a row, I have received a basket of goodies (much appreciated) and a single, very nice coffee mug. Each one is different. Very different. Nice, but singular.

Does one say something? Such as:

Thanks! For driving home the "I'm single" point.
Thanks! I'd have you over for tea, but I only have one cup.
Thanks! I'll just troll the bars with it in hand, and if I find someone with it's twin, I'll know that I've found my soulmate.
Thanks! It'll look great next to my sign "Please help me" sign when I take up my street corner post.
Sorry! Do you need a donation so that you could buy a complete set?

Aaaahhhhh, that feels better. Rant over.

Err...if I see an especially lovely coffee mug/cup etc., I often buy just one.....for a friend who IS in a couple.

Often people want a special one just for them, or for a special mood....

Did that help?

Oh I thought not....damn.

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Reading this thread and mulling over it all...it's a great thread..

flushd wrote:

I like where I am right now.

Soz, I know what you are saying about men. The younger generations of men still have a good lot of them who are like that. I can't tell you how many guys I have dated who have never, ever lived alone. My bf has never done so. In a way it bothers me. I would like for him to 'prove his meddle' or something before living with him. I would like to know how he gets by on his own, and how he would run his home.

Wise words, flushd Smile

....my husband never lived alone either. I wish I'd had the foresight that you have...

I have always, from childhood, loved being alone, with books and music for company. I treasure these moments greatly. I have never actually lived alone, except now (since my housemate works in the night and she's never at home when i am).

Just like you, there are times when I long not to wake up alone, yet I like where I am right now....and i like my cup of coffee alone (just that my favorite is not espresso but dear old, south indian, "filter kaapi"). ..

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I was thinking seriously about friends & friendship today. It seems to me that no matter what trials we go through in what we (perhaps misguidedly) see as our most important relationships, good friends are the ones that see us through our most challenging life experiences. And we see them through theirs, too, if we are good friends to them. I have had 3 major marriage/major commitments in my adult life. When they've finished, as important as they seemed at the time, they've gone. Poof! Just like that! The sustaining relationships have been very good friends. The ones that we can be completely open with. As they can be with us. The ones we share our day to day lives with. And we theirs. Other relationships - marriages, work place, family - come & go. Some vanish completely. I think sometimes we make the mistake of thinking we are alone when we're not, really.

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... I was thinking specifically of W. I have known her for over 30 years now. We have certainly had our ups & downs (as in almost all intense relationships) but it struck me, when I was thinking about what's important in life & what isn't, is that she & I have known each other through so much! I can say that no other person has seen me at my most pathetic & hopeless, my most optimistic, my happiest & most fulfilled & at my most bewildered at life's challenges & yet remained constant. I can only hope I have supported her, in her own life, to the same extent! Why do we think of ourselves as "alone" when we have relationships as rich as this? These are perhaps the most important relationships of our lives.

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I agree. Without a doubt the greatest joys I've experienced in my life have been about friendship. Romantic relationships are great, but true friendships are indestructible.

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Green Witch wrote:

I agree. Without a doubt the greatest joys I've experienced in my life have been about friendship. Romantic relationships are great, but true friendships are indestructible.

Yes, but it took me years to realize the true value of friendship, Green Witch! I was always entangled in one very involved romantic relationship or another ... It sounds quaint & 19th century, or something, but if I wasn't in a "serious" relationship it was like in between time, almost. I guess no one likes to see a marriage or long-term relationship that they've put so much of themselves into, end ... but end they often do! The thing is, that real friendships don't! Right now I'm learning about being an independent person (probably for the first time, really, in my life) ... who has relationships of various sorts, with other people. It's good friends I value more than anything, now .... Some I have known over the period 2 "serious" long-term relationships. My closest friends now feel rather like cherished fellow travellers. We sort of travel through life together. Very Happy

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I am so glad you posted about friendship, msolga. Somehow, some way, it came at exactly a time I really needed to hear that.

Since my last post on this thread, I no longer have that same bf. I have a new one. Ay ay ay. Today is a day to reflect. I always vowed I would not be like my mother. In the sense that she didn't learn to be independent until she absolutely had to. She always had a man, from her father's home to her hubby's, to another man. She is in her late 40's, and now I see some strong independent spirit in her growing.

Sad thing to me is, I haven't strayed too far from her tree. I may have a place of my own, and I may have never have married. (Didn't repeat marrying young). However, I can't think of any sustained period of time where there has not been a romance in my life. I have been through quite a few! Shocked

I still live alone. I still enjoy it. You have me thinking of a good friend of mine. I need to call her and invite her out more often. She is a good friend.

And, I need to not waste nor cheat myself out of this time. There are some things I have been meaning to do, but haven't. I think I have been afraid. Some part of me has still been holding on to an idea of a safety net, someone to turn to save me. OHH, that is difficult to write! I hate admiting it. It is true though.

If all goes according to how I would like, I will have my shot at marriage and children and all that fun stuff.

But I think I have a few things to do first.

I love your thread, msolga.

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Thank you for your kind words, flushd.

I know what you mean. If anyone had told me I was anything like my mother in my attitude to men, relationships, security & independence I would have denied it very indignantly, too! Who me? You're kidding! Confused

But, after this last (almost 20 year relationship) ended a few years back I discovered I had more in common with some (not all!) of her attitudes than I'd thought! It has taken a lot of hard work & soul searching, counselling, etc., to just get to this stage I'm at now. It is not that I hate men, feel embittered by relationships, or anything like that. It's more that I can see so clearly now that my primary relationships were always with which ever man I was involved at a particular time. (I mean the very serious relationships: marriage, long-term commitments) & that often this was at the expense good friendships, other priorities & interests I could have pursued, other things I might have done .... I think I sold myself a bit short, really.

Good luck at achieving a bit more of a balanced life, a bit earlier than I managed it, flushd.

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hey, it's never too late msolga

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True, possum, true! Very Happy

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msolga wrote:

True, possum, true!

and Possum would be your friend, MsOlga!

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My girlfriend and I have an arrangement that we both feel pretty good about. We both have recently finalized divorces, and still fresh memories of being in a live-in, 'family' situation with spouses and step-children.

We made a conscious choice not to move in together, and we've been going together for almost a year and a half, now. I really appreciate the freedom of my own place, and she of hers. I think we both still need time to be ready to commit to share space again.

That "sharing one's dailyness" is a huge thing, to me.

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margo wrote:

msolga wrote:
True, possum, true!

and Possum would be your friend, MsOlga!

(if I ever get to meet the famous Possum) of course he would! Very Happy

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snood wrote:

... That "sharing one's dailyness" is a huge thing, to me.

Absolutely, snood!
It's a huge step!
And a whole new ball game!

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msolga wrote:

margo wrote:
msolga wrote:
True, possum, true!

and Possum would be your friend, MsOlga!

(if I ever get to meet the famous Possum) of course he would!

Well, MsOlga - Possum doesn't travel!!!!!!!!

So.............I hear there are occasional flights from Melbourne to Sydney (probably about 50/day - on all carriers!)

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ME MYSELF I - The pros & cons of the solo life

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