dlowan wrote:Yeppers, but you are likely going to be really up and down with it, though, MsO.
Complicated, eh?
But all the same, Deb, I'm thinking most of the hard yards have been done. I'm such an expert, I could easily gain a PHD on this specialized subject! :wink: And if the going gets too tough, maybe drastic action should be considered? Like seriously considering a coffee date with a bloke!
What Dag said--red shoes--they are fantastic therapy! And how do you like the haircut?
Msolga said:
Quote:Why do we stay so long in relationships that have gone so badly off the rails I wonder? That one should have ended years before it did, really.
Sweetie, you don't even compare to me when it comes to being a slow learner. It took me 34 years. Yes, it has been up and down, sometimes to extreme and yes, I am seeing a therapist. All those years--for me more than half my lifetime and it might be the same for you. Old comfort zones, old familiar habits, but too, the old, familiar dismissiveness and arrogance. Ack!
When my sons told me my ex was dating another woman, I asked what she looked like, was she nice, was she in good shape, what kind of haircut did she have? Jesus H. Christ, I should have had daughters! Men don't notice anything.
Anyway, after a while, it all becomes laughable.
Edited to put in quotes.
that to myself!? ) & thinks she's met The One. Probably a very nice person whose going to be wondering in a few years just what went wrong with this perfect relationship & why she's so drained. I wish her no malice though. I'm just quietly relieved it's not me heading off on that particular journey.
msolga wrote:dlowan wrote:Yeppers, but you are likely going to be really up and down with it, though, MsO.
Complicated, eh?
But all the same, Deb, I'm thinking most of the hard yards have been done. I'm such an expert, I could easily gain a PHD on this specialized subject! :wink: And if the going gets too tough, maybe drastic action should be considered? Like seriously considering a coffee date with a bloke!
I am very happy to hear it, the hard yards thing I mean. Yes, you are doubtless right. Damn fine thing!
Yeppers, why not have a coffee with a member of the species?
Heck, you might have fun!
littlek wrote:Do it! Have there been offers? Have you turned them down?
Sort of.
I'm just quietly relieved it's not me heading off on that particular journey.
dlowan wrote:msolga wrote:dlowan wrote:Yeppers, but you are likely going to be really up and down with it, though, MsO.
Complicated, eh?
But all the same, Deb, I'm thinking most of the hard yards have been done. I'm such an expert, I could easily gain a PHD on this specialized subject! :wink: And if the going gets too tough, maybe drastic action should be considered? Like seriously considering a coffee date with a bloke!
I am very happy to hear it, the hard yards thing I mean. Yes, you are doubtless right. Damn fine thing!
Yeppers, why not have a coffee with a member of the species?
Heck, you might have fun!
Maybe. We''ll see!
The male reactions you speak of here, Deb, is frightening. It has a whiff of outrage that another male has intruded on their rightful territory, their possessions .... a very primitive response to an ex-spouse venturing into a new relationship. I'm so glad that I haven't had to cope with a war over children, on top of everything else. But yes, I have heard many stories of bitter wars between separated spouses once the wife moves on. Terrible.
I kind of got stuck in that not-inclined state. It's been 10 years since the X was out of my life and maybe 8 since I've had what I would even remotely consider a committed relationship (how did so many years pass?). Sometimes I miss the companionship, but I'm more anxious about getting together with someone now. At some point the "omigod, I'd have to keep my legs shaved ALL the time" started to out weigh the "I wish I had a companion".
I guess it boils down to how much of yourself you invested in the relationship. Obviously X meant a great deal to you. That relationship really mattered so it's not surprising that you retreated for a time and concentrated on other aspects of your life, k. As for The March of Time, you are a young thing, still. You will never regret not rushing into a compensatory relationship to void your solo state. Trust me on this! 
I rather like the idea of "a marriage of true minds" but am realistic enough to see that that is an extremely rare situation. I like the idea of two equals forming an enlightened union but somehow power always seems to rear it's ugly head, from one side or the other. I like the idea if two people retaining their separate identities in a relationship while holding a strong commitment to each other. A pretty tall order, though, in my experience. So, in the absence of some clear motivation, it seems best to concentrate on living the best life I can as a separate person (for the first time in my adult life!) & just see what life presents to me. I really like the idea of having a choice in these things, not feeling that there's something missing if one is not half of a unit. But, like I said, it's early days yet, this is still quiet newish ... we'll see.
You forgot one option: the casual affair. In those 8 years I've had (oxymoron alert) uncommitted relationships with 3 people (one of them twice). This obviously doesn't work for everyone, nor does it always work for those who can get away with it on occasion.
But hey, if it works for others, why on earth not?
Besides the insight that I need to use spell check more often.....
