ME MYSELF I - The pros & cons of the solo life

Advice on surviving it?

Hmmmmmmmmmm.......have something nice to do - even if it is just a book you really want to read - afterwards.

What is the key negative thought or fear that your mother's presence evokes in you?

(For me, with my father, the toughest one was the feeling/belief that, in some way, I was responsible for stopping him from being miserable - or for making him happy - carried this one from when I was the wee-est toddler - and that I was a hopeless person if I could not perform this impossible task.)

When you have identified it, use all your wit and emotional strength to examine it and debunk it - I was reduced to using affirmations and suchlike to try to lift the burden of my father's misery and emotional abusiveness from my shoulders! - helped a bit.

Talk it over with people you trust - (or here) - let yourself know how ridiculous it is. Yours may be around the rejection you feel - look at pictures of yourself as a wee babe, or whatever, and see how there is nothing you could possibly have done to cause any rejection, or any other negative - consider that anything negative your mother created out of your lovely little self was purely the result of her own un-worked out distress or damage.

Get pissed after. Preferably in good company. If not, on really good booze! You have prolly done all the stuff I describe above years ago!

Only half kidding.

Msolga, what I'm hoping, and crossing everything too, is that you'll get this great job, and THEN meet your mother and sister and not give a big damn what they think or say cause you are a self-actualized lady. After all, they are just two people, nothing special. I don't see any of my family (long story too), my husband doesn't have any relatives and our two sons live in Michigan. Maybe that's why we're still married.

Soz, know what you mean. Since we moved to Texas (lived in a different part of this state for first 18 yrs.) 3 yrs. ago I've been quite stressed out that Texans aren't quite the way I remember them. Won't go into that either. We keep making friends and they then aren't friends because of this screwed up neighborhood. Now I've really done it, last week stood up in front of our POA and accused the stupid board of mismanaging money, everyone knows they are but people are intimidated by these 7 good ole boys. Haven't seen anything quite like these little bitty minded TX tittybaby men, little piss ants. Sorry, guys, those are all Tex expressions from way back that we used as kids.
Ah, yes, the wimpy women with big hair. There..feel better just saying all that.

dlowan, parents do have such power over us don't they? My father passed about 10 years ago. I went to his funeral but did not see him for those last ten years. Just couldn't do that. We had a great time at his funeral, under the green awning. Hope our mom met him somewhere out there, up there, and bawled him the hell out. She died when I was four.

BTW, there is a book called "One is a whole number."

msolga, thanks for the hug, did make me feel better! Hugs back

((((((((((((((((((((MSOLGA))))))))))))))))))))))

You can do this! It's one of those unpleasant chores that are awful to get through but once gotten -- once you're on the other side -- you get to feel all nice and virtuous in the knowledge that you did the Right Thing.

Tex-star, good for you for taking on the Texas good ol' boys! And big-haired ladies! I'm impressed!

I was talking about some of this stuff with nimh a while back, and he helped me get perspective on the fact that after say our mid-twenties, the frienship thing is just much more difficult. People seem to want to streamline, have a few very good friends.

I think there is a certain critical mass in friendship, where you have enough friends and then other friendships can appear or disappear and that's OK because you have your core. If you don't even have a core, that's when it gets more fraught.

Good luck!

I agree that it gets more difficult to make good friends as you get older. Perhaps people are just not as open, or too busy, or something. I was bemoaning just this thing with a friend last night. (by IM only - she, of course, has moved to Sweden!)

Several of my close friends have moved away recently, some overseas, or to the country. Another has decided he is gay, and moved away from all his old friends.

So, while I still have a group of friends, it's not the same. I miss the easy contact, the laughter, the fun, the support. I have friends here, now, but those old, close friends are more geographically remote than I like. And I find it hard, as I get older, to make the effort required to build up new friendships.



Take Gautam up on his offer - that'll give your family something to think about! And then, you can be G's date on his next trip home, and give his family something to think about

And for G - Test against the Indians starts in Melbourne on Boxing Day! (small cricket aside here: G - I'm ordering tickets for the Sydney test - Steve Waugh's last test match - you want one?)

I married to early in life, and I never got to know what it was like to be on ones own. Something I will always regret ,but not look foward to after having a warm body to snuggle to in the winter days ahead
Before I got married I always fantasized of living on my own of how it would feel to have my own place. :wink:

soz

Here's what I actually MEANT to do! I was in such a state I got it all
wrong. OOPS!


(((((((soz))))))))))))

dlowan

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that! It's very comforting to read this morning. (way to early!)

I've already decided to make it a fleeting visit. AND I've told my mother I won't stay a minute longer if she begins on the *reconciliation* stuff with my sister & me. She doesn't realize that SHE'S the major problem. I will survive it because I will mentally prepare myself. Hah!

I guess my major fear with my mother & sister stems from the cruelty they inflicted on me when I was little. (maybe abuse would be a more appropriate word? A counsellor I saw a few years ago referred to them as the "ugly sisters".) They have never acknowledged that I FEEL things, basically. Yet I was the one in the family who copped a lot of the responsibility for fixing things in the family. It left me -& still leaves me - feeling quite alone & helpless. Too much responsibility & not enough love & it got worse after my father died. Used to take me around a week to get over a visit, a few years ago.

Most of all, I hate the pretence: That it was a "normal" family, that we all got treated the same, that my mother cared. She didn't. Frankly I don't know if she can. And I can't pretend any more, that's all. And I don't intend to! How's that in a nutshell?

Yeah, OK, Gautam! Start making your choice from the 100 shirts & 75 ties! :wink:

Meaty....

Er, that was in response to your "nutshell", Olga! Not in response to the Gautam being your date post!

Tex-Star & D

Nah, didn't get the job, dammit! I was sort of expecting this. There's a shortage of positions in my field (Art/Media) & schools tend to employ younger (ie cheaper) staff, who are in huge supply, for the ongoing positions. A simple fact of life these days. I was hoping to get off the treadmill of contract work (a long story, brought on by my resignation from a permanent position something like 5 years ago) & the choas that goes with it. A shame. But I guess I'll keep looking during the holidays & see what happens.

I have a job appliation to write this weekend, too, Msolga!

I am sorry about the job....

Damned contracts...

Yeah.

Deb

A new job? At the same place or another? Good luck with it!

Tex-Star, margo & soz

Good friends are SO important, I agree! Lovers/husbands/partners come & go, but good friends are with us forever. Strangely enough, I've made lots of new friends in the process of 6 years of contract work. But I'm not nearly as close to them as a few I've known for 20+ years: One lives in Seattle, another has lived in Italy for 20 years & the third has been working in Vietnam for 2 years, soon to return to Oz. It's that vanishing overseas thing, margo! Very disappointing!

Well, hellokitty, if/when you find yourself living alone, I hope it's by choice!

Well I just dropped in after getting this email from a friend - I'll be checking out some things while I ponder a reply.

Husker
I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of people lying
to me all the time. I'm tired of cheating and
selfishness. I'm just tired. For all these years I've
trusted that God had a plan for me, but I don't see
it.  My suffering is not helping anyone else.
Terri

How soon can you get to Terri? That doesn't sound good at all. As a matter of fact, it's scary.

Yes, it's worrying, husker. Is it possible to TALK to Terri rather than email a response? It sound like s/he needs some human contact if at all possible. Sounds very low. Good luck.

Terri works in a data center, I think depression plays a large role - however I'm unsure - I'm only a hobby professional at this stuff and do 1000% better face to face. I've sent a short brief email explaining a couple simple things - while I think on the bigger picture.

One hurdle at a time - first one is perspective - I saw a few things Soz said that might be useful for me to chew on.