Hawkeye, I'm not sure if you read the entire story, but I have been supportive of my wife having friends...of either sex. I simply believe you have to draw boundaries with friends of the opposite sex because it may lead to an emotional shift when things in the marriage get a little sketchy. What I feared the most came true. I tried to drop hints to my wife that these close friendships can tend to play with fire...you have to know when to say when. No doubt my wife is a survivor, in the process of healing, and I am more than willing to be patient. I have bent, but no further. Regardless of what she may be going through, she has to have limitations and realize what is acceptable behavior as a spouse. Have I been wrong in all this? Sure, I have invaded her privacy a number of times, but I knew something inappropriate was going on. Did I push her into Bill's arms for comfort? That is too hard to say. I honestly think this may have happened regardless of our falling apart.
Quote:...but I can't throw away the possibility that nothing sexual ever happened and the chance that we may be able to repair this mess. There is no doubt that love still exists between my wife and I, but truth needs to be a key ingredient in the healing process and I'm not sure that I'm hearing her whole story.
You have heard as much of your wife's story (with your wife's particular slant on the situation) as she has chosen to tell you.
She accuses you of forcing her into emotional infidelity, but takes no responsibility for encouraging and fostering your paranoia.
Keep in mind, her therapist is her therapist.
Also keep in mind that your wife may not be quoting her therapist accurately. For your wife Truth seems to be both elastic and maleable.
What will be, will be. You know your limits.
Hold your dominion.
Being with a person damaged by childhood abuse is an art, and not an easy one. Very few relationships make it though healing, and many survivors never heal.
The problem you have is that she does not understand the boundaries that you expect her to hold to, she will not stick to them, and you can't deal with her not sticking to them.
The problems that you are describing, while so far mild in comparison to the circles in which I run (and not likely to remain so) , are happening at the very early stages of your relationship. Those who ride them out always have a lot of good relationship history under their belts before the first crisis, at least 7 years. New relationships don't have enough glue to hold together.
Counseling will not only be of no help but the pro will almost certainly work to drive you apart. You will either be the bad guy or your wife will be told that she needs to work on herself and ignore your wants/needs.desires until she is ready...which might be never. I have heard urban legion of counselors who don't do this, but never a first hand account of one from a husband or BF.
If you think that you might want to give this a go you need to educate yourself, quickly. Go get every book about being a partner of a survivor and read them. Most of them are crap, but it will give you someplace to start. The only that I found good was "ghosts in the bedroom", but there may be some good newer books.
I will tell you that I have been married to a survivor for almost 22 years, but I am an extreme exception to the norm. 99 out of every 100 guys who have ever been in your position would tell you to cut and run, as fast as you can, away from her. I won't however, because i am a fighter and a hopeless optimist.
Dyna07 wrote:Wow, you all have really hit on a lot of the things that have ran through my head. I do believe that people need to keep those boundaries, but she apparently doesn't think so. She has told me that "Bill" knows about the abuse, the things that actually took place, but she's unwilling to tell me. I really don't want to know the details, but I would like to think that she wouldn't share her deep issues with someone I work with, who is also a friend of mine. Maybe you are right from the sexual aspect that she doesn't want me to have those thoughts while we are intimate. In addition, she doesn't want me to feel any differently about her brother as he and I have been friends since before she and I met (he and I also work for the same company). I have tried to explain that certain issues should be kept away from work, but she feels that she can talk to "Bill" about them because she trusts him and looks up to him as a father figure. Possibly this is because at the time of the abuse, when she brought it into the open, her parents denied and did not want to believe it happened. The court went to the extent that she was ordered into therapy and her brother was given a lie detector test, which he somehow passed? She claims that her relationship with her parents, mostly her mother, has never nor never will it ever be the same again. I do believe that she needs to get this off her chest, but it is a bit hurtful to know that it is shared with a coworker of mine just a couple hundred feet away. I can try to get her to see my point of view, but she will just respond by cutting off all conversation with "Bill", which I do not want her to do. I just think that certain things need to be left at home, she does not. I will just have to accept things for the way they are. Do you all think it's ironic that she can share this kind of information with someone at work that she knows yet here I am talking to all of you, who I don't know? I feel more comfortable talking about my own issues to someone I don't know...maybe that's my way of receiving unbiased feedback. Thanks for all your input and I would like to keep this rolling!
I haven't read through all of the posts yet but here is something which struck me while reading about your wife:
Considering your wife grew up in an environment where boundaries were non-existent, she doesn't have a sense of boundaries herself. Enter the coworker.
Dyna, what is the current dynamic between you, your wife, and Bill at work? Is she still working at the same company or did she get a different job?
Dyna, I am happy to see that have posted here again....of course we were all hoping that it would be great news.
But you are going in the right direction and what Noddy said....the therapist is HER therapist so I would be a little leary with him/her.
Do you think that if it was only an emotional affair that you will be able to move on and trust her ever again???
My wife's therapist said that she needed to get rid of all the hate she's been containing for the last 20 years. In order to do so, she had my wife write a letter (which won't be submitted) to her brother, explaining exactly how she's felt betrayed by him all these years. My wife let me read this 4 page letter because she couldn't bring herself to verbally tell me how she was abused. I was appalled at what I read. It is amazing that she has had a few successful relationships in the past considering what was done to her from the age of 11 through 17. She blames her brother for leaving her to take all the blame when she tried to explain to her parents what was going on. She blames him for stealing her innocence, for destroying her trust and for making her do things no person should do at that age. On top of it all, he would carry out these acts, telling my wife she owed it to him and "this would be the last time". He would then fulfill his needs and walk away as if nothing happened. Her brother was her world when they were young and what he did made her feel lower than scum, therefore she acted that way in her 20's....drug & alcohol abuse, sleeping around, etc. She claims she can't feel "dirty" in the bedroom with someone she loves for fear of all her past which floods back. In the past, she said she isn't the same person in the bedroom and now I understand. She won't allow herself to be...in fact, I think she's still trying to find her true self. She's been putting on a facade for so many years she doesn't know what it's like to truly be happy and free of all her pain.
That said, is this situation that we are in a sort of fallout or byproduct of her past? I think that it is. I don't see how consulting a therapist will drive us apart; I think it will do the exact opposite and bring us together as he/she can look at the whole situation, assess what my wife and I both need, and give us direction on how to support each other through this mess.
My wife still works here with Bill and I, but daily he brings in newspapers, in an attempt to help her find a job which will get her out of this work scenario. Bill fully understands how difficult it can be to work with your spouse, as he went through a similar situation with his wife years ago. My wife has just completed her Master's thesis and it is being reviewed by her advisors. The sooner she finds a job away from here, the better. While we need each other at this difficult time, we also need time apart throughout the day to be able to enjoy the evenings and weekends.
Dyna07 wrote: That said, is this situation that we are in a sort of fallout or byproduct of her past? I think that it is. I don't see how consulting a therapist will drive us apart; I think it will do the exact opposite and bring us together as he/she can look at the whole situation, assess what my wife and I both need, and give us direction on how to support each other through this mess.
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You fundamentally don't grasp the situation. She does not know who she is, what she wants, and where she leaves off and other people begin. Your marriage is built on sand.
WOW....thanks for the insult, considering you know nothing of our relationship prior to our marriage. According to you, I should just leave because she's damaged goods. For someone who says he is the "hopeless optimist", your advice is downright depressing.
