Emotional Relationship at Work

I'm sure its impossible for you to stop thinking of what she is doing to you.....do you live in area with a lot of things to do? I mean I am in PA and this part of PA, there is nothing to get your mind off even the little things.

Take some time for yourself, do something that makes you happy to clear your head. If she doesn't like it, TOO BAD. She does what she wants all the time.

Remember, even though I am new to this, we are all here to help you.

Yeah, being in the Ohio Valley (eastern Ohio), there's not a whole lot to do in this depressed area. Tonight ought to be interesting at the house.

Eastern OH huh? I am in Western PA, really close to the Ohio border. So its not much different here. It's like we are basically in the same place!

Sadly, MMS is right is saying "this is going to hurt" and I completely agree that you need to prepare yourself for the worst.

It would also be a good idea to start thinking about making your own plans.

I believe you're right and that she's good at manipulating you, but what makes her so good at it is the fact that she knows you love her and will believe all her lies.

If she was that good at it, she wouldn't be doing the text messege thing right in front of your face, getting upset in front of you because "her friend" Bill ignored her at a party.

He, at least, was smart enough to ignore her, so not to make you think anything was up, but she blew their cover by getting pissed off.

Be prepared, as MMS said, and make plans.

We had a discussion last night. Yesterday I had her read an article I found on emotional affairs; she said that she's not receiving any kind of support at this point because she doesn't talk to Bill about our marriage anymore. I tried to get her to see that the string of events is hard for me to accept as simple circumstance. At first, she took it as me blaming her, that her friendship with Bill was what caused all this. I told her that all I wanted was for her to understand how all these situations don't look good when added up. She said that she saw my point, but if the shoe was on the other foot, she would let them slide because she trusted me. She then got frustrated because she said that it seems that I am the victim whenever she was the one who had the trust destroyed by the snooping. I told her that it all started because I thought she was having an emotional affair...which she denied. She did however take a step in the right direction; she said that she's going to start looking for a new job so that she can get away from all the rumors that fly around this plant.

Yeahhhh, we've all said that at some point.....




Throwing the blame back at ya.




Right direction? OR an attempt to make you feel crazy and guilty?






I wish you the best of luck..........

Are you feeling any better about your marriage now since you had that discussion or are you still wondering?

When looking at the core of all this, the deepest part of me says that she's not cheating; all these things were coincidental and the journal entry was so seemingly honest because she knew that would bother me to the point where I could not keep quiet. In addition, if she was having an affair, I don't think that we would have been trying so hard to have another baby, talking about moving north, buying a house when this project is over....in a nutshell, she's talking about our future together. Maybe I am in complete denial, I don't know. I don't even know if I trust my own thoughts on any of this anymore.

Dyna, I really think you have to allow for the possibility that she's confused. (That's what the journal entry* was saying, after all.) That she might actually love you and actually want a baby with you while simultaneously having feelings for this other guy. And that she might not know what she wants -- she might want to have these two options available to her, without having to decide and without having one option become unavailable.



*Would you have been able to keep quiet if you opened her journal and saw "Dyna, I knew you would snoop!!"

Dyna,

I hate to sound like the one that is the pessimist here, but from the situation of my friend....she was making all the plans to get married, purchase a house and the whole nine yards while she was having what started out to be an emotional affair into a real one.

She sounds so confused just like my friend. The update on my friend...she ended the relationship with the married man, her bf dropped her like a ton of bricks. She went on and met someone else, didn't cheat, but she started another emotional affair with another man in her new place of employment, they don't work together exactly but she sends contract work to him. She's been married for about almost a year now, still talking to this person (he doesn't live close, but they use email, im's and the phone often) when he comes in to the area, about every other week, she's been just kissing since they haven't been able to be away somewhere together which I think is going to happen. She tells me everything and I want her to stop this nonsense because her husband is absolutely wonderful.

Of course while she is having this small emotional affair, she wants to have a baby with him and move forward.....fortunately her husband thinks that its to early in the marriage for all of that.

I guess my moral of the story is,...my friend wanted to changed, tried, but always needed something more I guess. I don't think she will ever change if it ends her marriage. I hope she does and I hope I am wrong about your wife for your sanity.

Dyna...

I'm going to stop pushing you to see the light.

Your a grown man, live as you see fit.

I do wish you the best, and we'll be here as a sounding board for you when/if whatever you decide to do........


MMS

Yeah, I think I'm done here too...there's nothing more any of you could say at this point. I thank you for all you've said and listened to. This is something I have to decide once and for all.

Good luck Dyna! We are always here for you if you need us. Take care of yourself and that little girl of yours!

My very best to you Dyna!

I've also said everything I could, but we're here for you anytime.

Good luck with everything!

Well, just an update. One day, I notice a half folded over piece of paper on Bill's desk with my wife's handwriting. It was opened just far enough that I could read the words "Hey, Sweetie". When asked, she explained that she meant to write "sweaty"....total bullsh*t. Someone with a Master's degree in Psych knows how to spell the word sweaty.

Jump forward a week or so, and I find not one but two emails. The first is from Bill to my wife, the day after the whole text message fiasco. He states, "I still want to be with you, if that is OK". She responds, "Absolutely. I can handle myself, I just don't want you to be hurt or caught. I couldn't imagine you losing your 32+ years of marriage because of me. I would feel awful". The next email was from her to him approximately 3 weeks ago and it said "All the text said was that I really enjoy the time we get together and I have fallen very hard for you. Your response was I feel the same. Was that for both or just the one? You don't have to answer if you don't want."

At that, I left her last Tuesday. I closed our joint bank accounts, leaving her enough to get by on. Of course now she tells me that 2 weeks ago her therapist told her that she was having an emotional affair. She says that she has stepped back from the relationship because she realizes that it was too close. She also tells me that she and her therapist were going to sit me down and explain this whole situation....right. It is not that easy to just walk away, especially when a 3 year old daughter is there to think of. She admits to what happened emotionally, although she now claims that she wasn't sure what she was feeling and that it was because she had no one else to go to, considering all the snooping I had done...as if I pushed her to him. Once again, my fault. I will not accept blame for this situation; maybe my paranoia started all this months ago, but she should have realized the relationship was inappropriate and stopped it....she kept going. I am completely crushed to know that she felt this way about someone else and it only goes to prove that I cannot believe anything that comes out of her mouth....the journal entries....truth or lies? I don't know.

All the while I was worried that this was going to happen and it did. Through tears and more tears she claimed nothing happened physically between the two of them, she just let it get too close. Why couldn't Bill see this coming? His one reply to her said that he still wanted to be with her...as a friend he tells me. I actually sat down with him, which was excruciating, and told him every single detail that led me to believe that there was an affair going on. He once again apologized for the texting fiasco, said he totally understood why I felt the way I did, but assured me that nothing was going on between the two of them; he said they have a lot of laughs and he cares about her as a friend. I even suggested that me, my wife, Bill and his wife sit down and discuss this whole messed up scenario. Bill said that he would, but he wanted to explain it to his wife before she heard it from me. My wife was a bit reluctant because she doesn't want Bill and his wife in the same situation we are. Is that a good sign that Bill is willing to talk about it? Does that point towards nothing physical happened? I don't know.

Like I said, it's not that easy to just walk away. We have decided to give it one more chance. I returned home this past Sunday. I demanded that we go to a therapist immediately and her current therapist agreed to see us both. It will be interesting to hear the therapist's point of view once I lay out all that has happened. My wife says that she doesn't want to keep re-hashing the same things...I'm sorry but I will continue to go over this until I feel satisfied that I understand the truth as to how and why this relationship between her and Bill developed. How am I to know that she still doesn't feel the same way about him? How am I to know that this won't happen again? She says that Bill will always be her friend. I told her that if there's something that she can't talk to me about....she doesn't need to talk to him about it. Folks, it doesn't get any worse than this. I just want the truth from her now.....I cannot rebuild from half truths and lies.

Dyna, you've been putting yourself through a wringer for months. I'm encouraged to hear that you're getting some professional support for yourself, although I'm a bit wary of two individuals in the same relationship working with a single counselor unless you are also getting 'couple counseling' with that individual.

My personal perspectives are all over the map where your situation is concerned. In a healthy relationship I would fully encourage each party to have outside friends, including friends of the opposite sex. Your's has not been a healthy situation for some time. Even endearments such as 'sweetie' don't necessarily infer a romantic interest but she's finally come clean with her feelings towards him, even if only after being boxed into a corner (she's fallen very hard). An emotional affair can be as devastating to a marriage as a physical affair. The marriage is at risk whenever one partner gives more of their emotional passion to someone other than their partner. It takes two people who are generally strong individuals and are committed to each other for the long haul to reconnect but yes, it's possible. I'm not convinced that you're wife is strong enough to take on what is required to be an equal partner in a relationship -- sorry to be so blunt.

This situation is not a result of your paranoia. You were more than supportive of her 'friendship' in the beginning other than how it was playing out in your workplace. You had valid concerns about the amount of time she was spending with Bill and she was openly letting you (and everyone around you) know that he was more important to her than you were. She's still trying to tell you that you pushed her into it but that's bullshit -- fortunately you can see that as well. Until she is able to claim what happened as her own doing then I'm less than hopeful that you will be able to put this behind you and recapture what it was that brought you together in the first place. Only you can answer whether those things that you fell in love with are worth the fight it's going to take to move forward.

Good luck and best wishes in whatever direction you take.

Dyna--

I'd guess that Bill is willing to do his damnedest to save his paramour's marriage--and possibly his own.

You are not responsible for your wife's infidelity. She wants you to take the blame--and pick up the emotional pieces of your life--and continue supporting her but she doesn't want to give you anything except self-serving lies.

My guess is that the therapist will try to guide the two of you through a "friendly" divorce for the sake of the child.

Good luck.

I am sure of what's happened emotionally...to what extent I don't know. I am not sure of what has/has not happened physically, although my gut tells me nothing has. All along I have been listening to my own instincts and will not doubt them again. I was right in regards to the emotional side, but I may not ever know the real truth about the physical side. From what my wife tells me, the emotional issues are all one sided; Bill does not feel the same way and I don't believe that he does. I do find it surprising that neither one of them saw this coming until it was too late. I had my wife read a great article on emotional affairs and she then claimed that that wasn't the case, as she didn't share things with Bill that she didn't share with me. She says she realized it only after her therapist pointed out the whole picture to her that she indeed was going to Bill for support. According to the therapist, as my wife tells me, she felt disconnected from me due to all the investigating that I had done over the past few months. That void was soon filled by this new friendship with Bill, a person who did not judge her but gave subjective advice and a shoulder to cry on. Regardless, an emotional affair is absolutely as damaging as a physical one. In my opinion, the emotional affair is repairable, whereas the physical is not; I would never look at her the same nor would be capable of being intimate with her again. Over the past week, time and time again my wife has told me how her feelings for me have not changed through all this and that she still loves me. As I cried and hugged her the day I returned, I pointed at the photo of our wedding day and told her that I didn't think we were the same 2 people. She made a point that even 10 years from now we won't be the same 2 people...we all change and evolve with time. I agree with that, but what's happened here is a transition of emotion and feeling from a husband to a friend and that is going to be so hard to overcome. My family and friends are all on my side, of course. They think that I am right to leave, but I can't throw away the possibility that nothing sexual ever happened and the chance that we may be able to repair this mess. There is no doubt that love still exists between my wife and I, but truth needs to be a key ingredient in the healing process and I'm not sure that I'm hearing her whole story. The unbiased ear of my wife's counselor will, in my opinion, greatly help and may shed some light on the truth of all this. I wonder what her reaction will be, my wife's included, as my truthful side of this story is told. We are going to consult with my wife's current therapist only becasue she is already familiar with the sexual abuse and the ongoing situation. We're going to talk to her this Friday...I hope it is a step in the right direction.

Be wary of what your circle advises, as for the most part people tell us what they think we want to hear, even when consciously they are sure that this is not what they are doing.

I did not figure this out till my 40's: As the husband I am partly responsible for the health of the marriage and for my wife's emotional health, as the feminine do very poorly at looking out for their own emotional health. When my wife gets into a bad emotional space I need to take a hard look at what I am doing, or not doing. I can't just blame her and wash my hands of it.

That said, with unhealed survivors boundary violations and sexually acting out are common. As the husband of a survivor you have little choice but to bend if you want to stay married. My wife is a survivor, and a long time ago I had to choose to take the best that she could do as good enough, even though her best has sucked at times.

How far are you willing to bend? You have little relationship history with this woman and she is clearly acting out. There would be no shame in deciding that this is not the gig that you signed up for.

This post is conflicted because I want to have hope for you, but the story you tell is consistent with hundreds of similar stories that i have heard over the years, almost none of them have a happy ending.