Emotional Relationship at Work

This is tricky... I normally say that people having opposite-sex friendships while married is healthy and normal. I still think that's the case but I'm stuck on the fact that she has a therapist (who she presumably trusts and is open with) and her friend "Bill" who she's equally open with and yet wants to protect you from her past.

In all honesty, it doesn't sound like she wants to protect you but that she wants to protect herself from your possible disapproval. Maybe she thinks she has more to lose from opening up to you than to others but I don't see this as being about you.

Re: Emotional Relationship at Work


another thought... if you have a 3 year old daughter and Bill is 50-something then I'm guessing he's much older than she is. Maybe she see him as a father figure. I doubt she has much trust in her own father -- if he was even part of her life during the abuse he didn't protect her from it.

I was thinking the same thing about JBP - that he may be a father figure to her. Would you feel differently if she were sharing these things with a 50 year old woman?

Also, what does her therapist think of her relationship with this man?

I can see that she would be uncomfortable sharing things with the one person she has sex with. As a random example -- imagine that her brother performed oral sex on her against her will. If she told her husband that, he (the husband) might then be uncomfortable with oral sex, and that she might want to avoid that. (It needn't be that overt -- the point is that I can see her being more open with people with whom sex is not an issue.)

I can see being that open with a therapist but not a coworker.

Yeah, that's why I said not necessarily that overt. I can still see it being something that she'd worry about telling her husband but that could come up in a conversation with someone she trusts and who she doesn't think of in a sexual way. Especially if she doesn't have many other friends -- sometimes talking for an hour a week (or whatever) doesn't quite cut it.

Could go several ways of course.

I agree that being THAT open with a coworker could be a problem, especially because Dyna07 works in the same place. I am not sure how appropriate it is to be that open with a person at work, even if that person were a 50 year old woman, and not a guy. People need to maintain certain boundaries at work.

I can understand why Dyna07 is concerned. His wife is not only sharing intimate secrets with someone, and then telling her husband about the fact that she shares these confidences.

Dyna07- If I were you, I would, quietly and rationally, tell your wife exactly what you have told us. Discuss your concerns, and tell her that you are very uncomfortable with her sharing intimate matters with a co-worker. You might suggest that she bring up this issue with her therapist.

Good luck, and BTW, welcome to A2K!

Dyna07, how do you know what she tells him? Is it possible that you're misconstruing what they actually talk about?

Wow, you all have really hit on a lot of the things that have ran through my head. I do believe that people need to keep those boundaries, but she apparently doesn't think so. She has told me that "Bill" knows about the abuse, the things that actually took place, but she's unwilling to tell me. I really don't want to know the details, but I would like to think that she wouldn't share her deep issues with someone I work with, who is also a friend of mine. Maybe you are right from the sexual aspect that she doesn't want me to have those thoughts while we are intimate. In addition, she doesn't want me to feel any differently about her brother as he and I have been friends since before she and I met (he and I also work for the same company). I have tried to explain that certain issues should be kept away from work, but she feels that she can talk to "Bill" about them because she trusts him and looks up to him as a father figure. Possibly this is because at the time of the abuse, when she brought it into the open, her parents denied and did not want to believe it happened. The court went to the extent that she was ordered into therapy and her brother was given a lie detector test, which he somehow passed? She claims that her relationship with her parents, mostly her mother, has never nor never will it ever be the same again. I do believe that she needs to get this off her chest, but it is a bit hurtful to know that it is shared with a coworker of mine just a couple hundred feet away. I can try to get her to see my point of view, but she will just respond by cutting off all conversation with "Bill", which I do not want her to do. I just think that certain things need to be left at home, she does not. I will just have to accept things for the way they are. Do you all think it's ironic that she can share this kind of information with someone at work that she knows yet here I am talking to all of you, who I don't know? I feel more comfortable talking about my own issues to someone I don't know...maybe that's my way of receiving unbiased feedback. Thanks for all your input and I would like to keep this rolling!

You keep saying "some one at work" - she may view "Bill" as a father figure more than a co-worker. Sometimes friendships develop at work beyond being a co-worker. She may be viewing "Bill" as a friend whereas you are viewing him as a co-worker. If she doesn't have many friends, I can understand this - she needs a friend - most women need a friend to talk things over with beyond a spouse.

I am not discounting your feelings, but trying to get at hers perhaps so you can maybe understand her. I do think your feelings should be counted as well. Maybe you could to start with talking about how she feels about the relationship with Bill and then afterwards say you would like to share your feelings - and if she would just hear you out without interrupting. Perhaps showing some understanding of how she may feel could open things up so you can talk about how you feel?


And of course unbiased feedback is always helpful.

I have asked her how she would feel if the roles were reversed and I had a relationship with a woman in this manner. She says that it wouldn't bother her, but I'm guessing she might feel the same way that I do if it were really happening. She often questioned me about a relationship I had prior to ours with a girl back at our home office. Many times, she said that this girl "probably had a crush on you". I told her that Kasey was only a friend, yet she had her doubts. This leads me to believe that my wife would have a harder time with it should I be in her shoes. As for the therapist, I don't think that she has discussed this with her...she probably doesn't think it's an issue that needs talking about. I guess I just don't like the idea of things being hidden from me yet revealed a few doors away.

Dyna--

I'm not a mental health professional, but I'd guess that your wife's childhood violation complicated relationships not only with her brother and her parents but her peers as well.

Now she's trying to get her act together--and there isn't a One Size Fits All Rulebook for Incest Survivors.

Am I right in guessing that she has had few deep, meaningful friendships in her life?

You are your wife are on different pages. You say, "Your relationship with Bill makes me unconfortable."

She replies, "My relationship with Bill is giving me great comfort and a certain amount of insight."

You're saying, "Hear my feelings, my needs."

She's saying, "Hear my feelings, my needs."

Impasse.

Look at your motives. Exactly what makes you uncomfortable? Is it that another man has access to some of your wife's memories that you don't have? Why is this so upsetting?

It's good she is seeing a therapist.

It sounds to me that there is a lot of cross-overs going on here. Co-workers are also family friends, friends and co-workers are also family members, friend and co-worker is part therapist and father figure, etc etc.

Hub and wife are co-workers and work at the same place. Etc.

All in all, not much room for air. A lot of 'everyone knowing each other's business' anyways. Where is she clearly defined as Herself as a seperate person from all these relationships. It is sort of a 'mess' in regards to current situation if you ask me, and changes will probably need to take place as she gains strength and insight into who she is in terms of boundaries and without the weight of all her issues.

I'm not a therapist, but have been through my share of troubles that made it very easy for me to relate and emphathize with your wife. My bf could probably relate to you in some respects.

Well, I fully know that if my bf and I were to have been working together and living in a smaller community (we both come from small tight communities) that many problems would have arose and much more difficult than as things are now.

I could say so much here! I'll try to get to the important points of what I think you can do that would be extremely positive:

*Try to support and to be part of your wife's healing . You need to have your special place in that, and to know exactly what it is you need and expect in terms of a relationship with her.
Gonna need patience too as she learns about boundaries, goes through bad memories and hurt, and will try to distance herself from you at times.
Stick with it.

*Be realistic. I think, to be honest, that you are focusing on a small 'issue' when in fact there are much bigger and more important issues going on here.
This relationship with 'Bill' is like a side issue, a dressing, a symptom.
Even if she stopped talking to Bill and airing certain information there, or kept outside work, there'd still be a problem.

Your wife has a lot to work through, and so do you. Don't get hung up on the little stuff.

Partners to folk who have been through a lot of abuse and trauma have to be extra special people, because it requires a lot of a person.
Strength, patience, flexibility, compassion, the ability to sometimes delay your wants or needs for the great good and to have them met in the long term.

Ok. I'll be back. Just wanted to start saying some things and note my interest and desire (and I think ability here from experience) to help here.

great post, mp.

I agree. Noddy's was really good, too.

MP knows what she's talking about--and she talks well.

Well, now there's been another development. It seems that my wife was just diagnosed with herpes. This is totally devastating to the both of us because we really can't tell who's at fault nor do we feel we deserve this. The doctor said that considering the intimate relationship we've had the last 2 1/2 years, I would most likely test positive yet I have shown no symptoms. The physical issues with this infection are not what worry me as much as the psychological and sexual aspects of what will happen to us. This will only hinder my wife's progress towards getting over her checkered past. I have been ok with this since the doctor first tested her 2 weeks ago; it is what it is and there's no way to change what each of us has done in the past. It's really hard to explain what I'm feeling at the minute...almost an emptiness, helplessness that I cannot help my wife through her emotional and sexual issues. I really believe that I too will need to see her therapist to get a grasp on what she needs from me and what she's been through.

Dyna--

This is not an easy year for you or a happy year for your marriage.

How long have the two of you been married?

No, these last few months have not been easy at all. Our 2nd anniversary will be in April of '08. I'd like to think that most couples don't have these kinds of issues this early on in their marriage. Just when I start to forget about the diagnosis, it once again pops in my head and further reminds me of her past (at least what she's told me of it). Last night I came to the realization that her baggage has somehow now become mine. I understand that is to be expected, we are married, but all this, along with rumors of her and yet another co-worker of mine, have made me start to wonder just who did I marry? Some people have told me that lately I don't seem happy and I just denied it....maybe I'm not in as good shape as I thought I was. I just want to be happy again.