Emotional Relationship at Work

Wow! So now the problems in your marriage are your fault? I think you're being hoodwinked into believing that your rational side is irrational and vice versa.

After 4 hours of sleep last night and 2.5 the night before, what you said is a little fuzzy...can you elaborate a little?

I think she's messing with your head and it's working.

Rumors are flying and you're willing to chalk them up to blue collar mentality. Texts full of sexual innuendo are flashing and you're willing to accept that "Bill" thought he was texting his own wife. She pours her heart out in a journal and you're willing to accept that it was all a trick to catch you not trusting her. She's even got you saying that she should leave you rather than the other way around. Very manipulative and she's succeeding at bringing you down.

You aren't jealous or insecure by nature? Then trust your nature and accept the feeling in your gut that something isn't quite right with her relationship with "Bill".

Yeah, that's way too many coincidences for me.

Perhaps they're actually coincidences, but her attitude isn't encouraging. Given that set of coincidences you'd be quite justified in being concerned, and it really seems that she'd be apologetic and extra-careful to avoid any more coincidences rather than turning it around on you.

I know Bill quite well, actually worked in the office with his wife before I took this field position and also know his kids, went to college with his son and now he also works at this plant. Bill's been married 32 years, been with his wife since high school. My wife and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year and a half, only to have troubles with her thyroid. In addition, she is seeing a therapist to resolve her sexually abusive past in order to strengthen our marriage because we have learned that it does affect us in ways. All these things make the rational side of me not think anything is going on, yet a few comments about she and Bill going "out" for lunch get my mind rolling. It is also very hard to ignore what is written on the wall in front of me thru texts and her journal. I really do want to believe her and she being my wife, I know I should. As an outsider's point of view, am I being too naive? If she's lying, I'll never know the truth unless I follow her when she goes tanning, only to potentially damage things should nothing be going on and once again she sees that I need to check up on her. I am completley torn....

Outsider's point of view, from what you've said here:

She's going through a tough time and found Bill a good listener and a good friend. That was all either of them intended, and that's all it was for a while.

Then something happened. Maybe gradually, maybe all at once. Maybe he said something about how beautiful and desirable she was as a way of cheering her up when she felt anything but, and she liked feeling beautiful and desirable and wanted him to say more things like that. Whatever... at some point things shifted.

Maybe it's all in flirtation mode now -- the excitement without taking that risk of actually doing something. Maybe they've actually done something. But, outsider's view, from what you've said here -- something's up. They're not just friends anymore.

The question remains, what are you supposed to do about it? I think you could start by saying that whether anything is going on with Bill or not, you have ample reason to THINK that something is going on, and that you won't accept having those concerns just brushed off. Things have shifted since you opened this thread.

I told her what she wrote in her journal seemed to have a lot of deep thought in it if it was supposed to be just a lie...that she had me convinced. She then said that it needed to sound that way to get the reaction out of me that she thought she would get. Just now, I looked at the both of them and I honestly cannot visualize anything like that happening given what I know about him and how my wife feels about me. I guess I cannot see him saying anything along those lines to her, but people can be deceitful by nature I guess. Maybe all these things are coincidences....but I guess I will just have to believe in her as I want to do. I tried to explain how close relationships with someone of the opposite sex, regardless of age, can lead to the possibility of feelings being developed with no intention...it's playing with fire. What makes you think that they are not just friends anymore? The coincidences???

The coincidences and her reaction to them.

If they're actually coincidences, they're something to acknowledge -- "yikes, I know that looks bad and I know you were already concerned about the relationship, sorry about that. It's just a coincidence but I understand why you'd have a hard time believing it."

Instead of the whole "best defense is a good offense" approach.

Still really could all be coincidences, still really could be that she laid a trap (its own issue, though I understand that you overstepped your bounds by reading private stuff), could be that important things that would color my impression one way or the other have been left out. But something doesn't smell right.

Again, also could be that it's just flirtation -- that they haven't actually acted on anything yet.

One sure fire way to confirm the situation either way, would be to hire a private detective.

If the private detective is good, your wife won't know she's being watched and you will soon know the status of the friendship between Bill and your wife. If the private detective gets caught, use the same line your wife gave you. You hired the detective to see what kind of reaction your wife would have and to help erase any lingering suspicions so you could work on your marriage.

She claims that the texts were a mistake and Bill genuinely apologized (or seemingly so) the next day. What I cannot decide is whether her journal entries were genuine or lies....she soon after tore them out and stated that now she felt she could start journalling for real. I'm going to once again explain to her why I feel the way I do, the things I see with my own eyes. If she can say that she knows things look bad but are coincidences, I will believe her. If she immediately goes on the defense, that to me is a sign of guilt. Am I right or not???

It's not that clear-cut, unfortunately. Certain behaviors certainly SUGGEST one or another outcome -- but people can just plain act weird even when they're not actually guilty.

Bottom line...should I be worried or not?

Ooof.

Bottom line -- I think there's reason for you to be worried. Not so much at the beginning -- I've often said and do believe that men and women can be friends without sexual attraction being part of the picture, and that such friendships can be really valuable, and that spouses getting over-sensitive about such friendships can cause problems. But as I said before, it seems very possible to me like things have crossed some sort of line.

BUT no way am I going to say "she's having an affair with Bill," because I just can't know.

No one here has a crystal ball. If you're worried then you have reason to be worried and you aren't fabricating those reasons. Did Bill apologize for sending your wife texts about getting her wet, or did he too try to tell you that he thought he was sending them to his own wife?

The only two people who know whether they've become more than friends are Bill and your wife. You can hire a private detective, you can accept everything she says at face value, or you can continue to try to tell yourself that your being irrational by being suspicious. I wouldn't do any more sleuthing on your own because it would only be used against you in the same way the journal was supposedly a trick.

It sounds likes she's trying to pull a fast one and it sounds like she's doing a good job of convincing you that you're at fault for not trusting her enough. I don't think much of invading someone's privacy, but a quick look at an innocent text message would have put this thing to rest. Instead you discovered that you have good reason to be concerned and what appears to be a farce began to unfold. Unfortunately, it seems like the joke is on you.

I'm the last person to say that happily married people shouldn't have close friends of the opposite sex. I think it's generally healthy for both the marriage and the people as individuals. Your situation doesn't sound as it's doing much for you or your marriage.

From here, based on your descriptions of events, I don't believe your wife, and it seems to me you are acting in a strong pattern of denial. That is from here - thus I can't say for sure that she is having an affair, since I do not know that. So, I'll say it seems a reasonable concern.

Why should you trust a liar?

If her journal jottings were meant as a trap for you, why isn't she outraged at the invasion of privacy?

I don't know exactly what is going on between your wife and Bill, but there are far too many incidents for me to believe total innocence.

Here's the state of things:

You don't trust your co-workers and their rumors. (not a bad thing)

You don't trust your wife's actions or explanations. (reason for concern)

You don't trust your own eyes and heart and don't want to chance doing the investigating yourself in case you are wrong. (You're stuck and will continue to be stuck until you get some validation of facts that you can believe.)


This leaves only a disinterested third-party who has no investment in the outcome other than presenting you with factual first-hand observations. That's what private detectives are good for. They still can't make decisions for you, but can give you some facts to help get you unstuck so you can make your own decisions.

My thoughts as well, along with the others who are sitting over here.

Also:

Knowing you have trouble with the concept of trust, what sort of woman would spend time and energy on a phoney diary with no motivation except to "tease" you.

Funny sense of humor.

I'll say!