Emotional Relationship at Work

It has been two weeks since your wife was diagnosed with herpes by a doctor and you have not yet been tested?

Something is odd there. Usually when a person is diagnosed with herpes, those in intimate relationships with them are treated simultaneously to prevent reinfection if the current partner is the source or to prevent a new infection of the partner. You need to be tested immediately and should be using condoms until you are tested. If your test results are negative, you have a personal decision to make regarding continuing use of condoms. That's a decision you must make for you, regardless of what happens with your marriage and wife.

You might want to read through this this topic on herpes to get a lot more info on herpes and learn about the complications you'll need to be aware of.

Will a blood test confirm that I do or do not have the virus? My doctor didn't think that it would because it tests for the antibodies when an outbreak is present and I am currently showing no symptoms. Prior to our relationship, my wife hasn't had any symptoms, which leads me to believe that I was the carrier in the first place. I remember some things that were going on with me after dating a girl, but that was years ago and I haven't had anything since...I just figured it was a UTI that worked itself out. I am going to get tested because I need to know for myself; I want to share the pain my wife is going through because I really think that I'm the one who is responsible. We have agreed that it doesn't matter who got it from who, this is something that we potentially both have and will have to deal with it for the rest of our lives. Just when I think that I feel ok with this whole situation, something pops into my head reminding me...and now I'm not so sure how it will affect our sexual health which is already hurting from a lack of intimacy, based on her sexual abuse as a teenager.

Dyna--

You have a wife with emotional problems and a job with social ramifications.

What do you do for fun?

That's a good question...if the weather was still warm enough, I'd be out on my motorcycle. Now that my wife has a job and has social interaction with people at work, it's ok for her to go out with people from the office. When she was a stay at home Mom, I'd get 2 earfuls for joining a few guys from work for an occasional evening ride. It got to the point where I just gave up one of my favorite things to do, where I get to be alone and clear my head.

Dyna07 - you sound very unhappy and bitter. Your wife has "gotten a life" and seems to be taking full advantage of it. If you sit back and brood about this, you will end up with totally negative feelings. I imagine it's been mentioned here (I'm too lazy to look it up at this late hour), but you need counseling so that you can both express your true feelings and work on getting things back on an even keel.

Good luck to you!

Dyna--

You need some hobbies.

Right now your wife--because of her own past problems--isn't able to give you much cherishing and support.

You need to be able to recharge--which means R&R is not being selfish. R&R is necessary.

No, I just think what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Now that she can get out of the house, she goes to the bar with people from work every chance she gets. When guys wanted me to go ride motorcycles, I got the 3rd degree for wanting to go. It's a double standard.

Dyna--

"What's good for the goose is good for the gander" as a philosophy has the potential to turn into gamesplaying and oneupmanship.

You deserve private recreational time. So does your wife. Neither of you should be eyeballing the other person's private time to be sure that you are not being cheated.

This weekend, we decided that we needed a little time to ourselves. I spent a day and eveneing catching up with a friend of mine, she drove across state and spent a few days with her old college friend. She came home yesterday and we both talked about how our weekends were, and about our differing outlooks on having close relationships with the opposite sex at the workplace. A female friend, who I have since cut off communication with because my wife accused me of her being my "office girlfriend", became a hot topic. The argument ensued and I told her that I did have a problem with issues concerning our marriage being brought to the workplace. She then claimed that she was going to resign and go back to being a housewife with no friends....her way of manipulating to get what she wanted. After talking the issue over, I told her that maybe it wasn't the fact that she talked to "Bill" about our marriage issues, maybe it was more the fact that I am uncomfortable having these problems and that it was my way of venting frustration. She then said that she thought about calling Bill to see if he could meet and talk for a little while. I really had no response, thinking that she would know that I wouldn't be OK with that. As she walked out the door at 8:30 PM to get gas for her car, she asked if I would have a problem if she called Bill. I told her no, I really didn't because she apparently needed to talk to him. An hour goes by, and I call her to see what's going on. She got gas and met Bill to talk after all. The argument picked up where it left off as I told her that she said she was going to CALL him, not meet him. I just felt horrible, knowing we had a fight, to have her go off and cry on the shoulder of another man. She asked if Bill were female, would it be OK? I told her yes. She even admitted that if the roles were reversed, it would hurt her too but she would get over it because she knew it was something that I needed to do. In my opinion, if there are things that need to be said to someone else, you don't go outside the home, after hours...if need be, talk the next day at work (where most people vent about their marriages). This is a fundamental difference between us that will eventually take its toll if we can't come to a compromise. She just didn't take my feelings into consideration before leaving. What are some of your thought?

I think it's a mess.

A marriage is a partnership that respects both people as individuals within a couple. When either partner looses themselves in the marriage then trouble will follow. I think you've lost yourself in your marriage.

I don't think personal problems should be brought into the workplace - period. I think the issue is compounded by the fact that you and your wife work in the same place and not only is she bringing her personal problems into her workplace, she's bringing them into yours.

Meeting Bill outside of work is a different issue. He has become her confidant which, if he's willing to meet her for coffee on a moments notice, apparently is fine with him. What's his take on this? Have you spoken with him? The fact that you are jealous about her meeting a male friend (co-worker or not) to discuss her personal/marital issues is your problem. You've made your feelings known, she has discounted them. End of story. The only control you have is what you choose to live with. If her decisions are intolerable to you then leave the relationship.

What are you looking for as an outcome?

Wow...so you're telling me that I am being out of line in my feeling that she shouldn't run to another man for comfort in times of struggle? You don't see any lines being crossed here? It's one thing to talk about things at a work environment, if free time allows it....it's another to leave our home to seek this out when it could be discussed the next day. And I am sorry, it does make a difference that he's a man and not a woman...it's normal to talk about issues, but not to run off looking for consolance. I am looking for some kind of an agreement, for her to understand why I feel the way I do. Maybe the shoe needs to be put on the other foot to make her understand. Boundaries need to be established.

You didn't get my point. There are all kinds of lines being crossed, particularly in that all three of you work together. My point is that you can't change anyone but yourself. If she doesn't see it as a line then it's not a line to her and you wanting it to be one won't make it so. Bill apparently doesn't have a problem with it either. If you're the only one who has a problem with it then you need to decide if it's something you can live with. If it is then get over it. If it isn't then move on.

All I want is the understanding that it will bother me every time we have an argument, she runs off to talk to Bill instead of resolving the issue with me. In the past, we have always been able to get through arguments, she hasn't had the opportunity to seek comfort from someone else, albeit a man. I talked to Bill about these issues and he understood my point and agreed that he would have felt the same way at this stage of a marriage. Regardless of what stage a marriage is in, I don't think that you seek a shoulder to cry on from the opposite sex; advice is one thing yet seeking comfort is another. My wife does not see it as a male/female issue whereas I do. So, I really do not know how to come to a common ground, nor will I compromise or ignore my feelings on the issue just to appease how she feels. This discussion is 50/50 and both sides need to understand the entire situation. I want a line drawn, she doesn't....she sees nothing wrong with what she did yet would feel the same way if it were I leaving the house after an argument. I really don't know how to get this resolved other than I give by getting over the fact that she talks to Bill about our marriage and she respects my feelings when it comes to leaving immediately after a fight and seeking a shoulder to cry on.

Talk to Bill. Tell him his constant availability as a shoulder to cry on is causing problems with your marriage because your wife chooses to flee from disagreements and go to him for comfort rather than working out the disagreement with her husband. He's become an enabler, much like the old stereotype of a newlywed bride always running home to mom when the marriage gets bumpy. Ask him to help by sending your wife back to discuss things with you rather than providing that comfy hideout for her to avoid the problems.

His actions will give you the clue you need.

I did talk to Bill this morning and he was under the assumption that I knew that they were meeting outside of work...my wife assumed that I knew that. He said that if I was uncomfortable with it that he would tell her just that...to go home and iron things out with me first. I have no problem with her talking about our arguments/issues after she and I resolve them. It just felt like she was running away to talk to him about things without coming to common ground with me first, which did hurt. He told her that we need to fix these things first and he would be there for her for advice after the fact....I agree that's the way it should be handled. My wife and I will get there, she just thinks that she needs to cut off all communication with him whereas all I want is for her to work with me on these things prior to telling someone else.

Doesn't this seem a bit unreasonable when you're telling a lot of someone else's (A2K) when things aren't settled?

It does appear that your wife should try to work more at dealing with you directly, but there are a lot of 'issues' between the two of you.



She does have a line - it's just not the same as yours.

Previously, I mentioned that I thought it was ironic that I can discuss these things here with a group of people that I don't know. The difference is that I am not doing it at our workplace. I believe that you keep personal issues such as these outside the ears of co-workers. I have learned to deal with it because she really has no one here to talk to. It's true that we have a lot of issues right now, but nothing that can't be talked out between the two of us. I would just like to be kept in the loop and not an outsider. That being said, I think that she does bring these things to me, just after discussing them with Bill....it makes me feel like #2 and not #1.

Here's an idea. Give your wife a link to A2K and let her know we're great people to talk through problems with. Then you can read her posts and she can read yours.

Nah, she has her sources for talking and so do I. We'll get through this somehow, someway. We can't stay upset at each other any longer, considering we had a weekend apart.

Well, the last month has been great between the wife and I yet we still deal with issues at work. Two weeks ago, I heard 2 rumors about my wife and her friend "Bill", as they often go out to lunch together. I understand that working with these blue collar people is difficult, as it seems that they have nothing better to do than start rumors and sit aback and watch the fireworks. Needless to say, these rumors started to get my mind going again and I am sorry to say, but I felt the need to check up on things. My wife has recently been texting a lot lately and keeping her phone on silent, as if she didn't want me to know what she was doing, erasing messages from her phone daily. Last Wednesday, I was in the bathroom and while she was in the shower, her phone started beeping with a voice message (I know the tone, as I have the same phone). She had been expecting a call from her grandmother, so I picked it up to see if it was her. What I found was a text message from "Bill" that said, "I'm going to make you wet on Thursday". This sparked my curiosity, so I then sent one back to see if I'd get a response. The next one read "See you then". A few more followed and I thought I had seen enough, as I finally wrote "Busted...this is (my name)". I then opened the shower to ask my wife what that message had meant and as she read it, her hand began to shake. We eventually called "Bill" afterwords, my wife telling him that he really needed to put on his glasses when sending his wife a text like that. The next day at work, he was so very apologetic but I was myself for thinking at the time that he could be involved with my wife. As we left work that evening, she stated that he was heading to his home 1 1/2 hrs away to make plans for NYE, which I thought was wierd b/c he had to drive back down that night to be at work the next day. I told myself to just let it go and I did. Well, my wife later that night went to town to go tanning, which just so happens to be at the same salon I have seen her car and his truck when he was supposedly going "home" for the night to vote. On Friday, I nonchalantly asked Bill how his night was and he said that he just stayed at his apartment and did laundry, in total contradiction to what my wife had said his plans were. Once again, this sparked my curiosity because I had seen both their vehicles at the same place when he was to have been going to his own home 1 1/2 hrs away. Once again, I let it slide as the issue over me checking her phone drove a wedge between us.
Well, now the situation gets worse. Feeling guilty for hurting the trust, I left Friday night around midnight and told my wife that I just needed to get out of the house for a little while to try to figure out why I am so paranoid. She seemed to think that it was related to sex because she wasn't in the mood earlier that evening; she asked me to stay with her and have sex, that would make me feel better. I then told her that wouldn't help and that I don't know why she's with me if I have these trust issues. I returned home an hour or so later and on a table in our living room sat her journal which she is writing to help with her therapy. Once again, I couldn't leave well enough alone, I felt I needed to know just what the status of our marriage was, so I took a look in it, after promising her I wouldn't. What I found destroyed me on the spot. She had written about being in love with someone else and me at the same time, how she received certain things like security, stability, etc. from our relationship yet received other things with the other guy. It later went on to say how she and this guy had great chemistry and there was a strong attraction, but she wondered if it was love or lust. As the entry went on, she questioned whether she was sabotaging what she has now because that was what she typically did in the past. She also talked how she couldn't bear to hurt me or our daughter and what her critical parents would think. In addition, she wrote that she doesn't feel like she's being used because she knows that this guy has feelings for her and cares for her, yet he doesn't quite know what he wants to do either. On the next page, she said that she can't imagine her life without me, yet she can't imagine it without "Bill", which she scribbled out, then wrote in his initials. Not long after, she came out and asked if I had read her journal and I told her that everything that I suspected had been confirmed. At that point, she stated that she put those lies in there just to prove the point that she knew I would read it; she felt that was the only way to find out the truth, knowing that I would be so upset that I couldn't keep quiet. After talking for another 3 hours, I came to the conclusion that these rumors at work have pretty much driven me insane to the point that I have destroyed all trust in our marriage. To her, I laid out the path showing her why I felt the way I did, why I felt the need to know if she and I were ok. Finally, I asked her point blank if she wanted to try to work this out or whether we needed to separate. She said that she wasn't ready to give up on us yet. Our lives are so interwined that it would be almost impossible to separate, plus we both do love each other. But we are both worried about our future together....will this issue always arise, or is it because we work together? I seem to lean towards the latter because I will be less likely to hear rumors from her new workplace whereas I hear them now. People, whether joking or not, need to realize the implications their petty rumors have on a young marriage.
At this point, we are both numb. Yesterday she stated that she wanted to be able to talk to someone, but that she didn't want to call one of her girlfriends because she thought they would be too biased and she wanted a neutral person's stance on this issue. She seemed to pout yesterday after sending "Bill" a text, asking him to meet up to talk. She asked if I would be ok with her meeting him....I really wasn't all that happy, but what was I going to say? She said she didn't want to talk on the phone with him about this. When she finally got a text back from Bill, her mood instantly changed. I told her that I saw that and she just blew it off. So, she returns home around midnight last night and tells me what she and Bill talked about.
What I am trying to figure out is why am I feeling this way? I am not a jealous or overly insecure person by nature; never have been. Things have hit rock bottom at this point and there is nowhere to go but up from here. Trust is one of the foundations of a marriage and it is pretty much non-existant right now. The rational side of my heart tells me that I do trust her and believe what she says, but occasionally a little whisper from the irrational side slips in and a situation like this evolves. I told my wife that I am amazed by her; anyone else may have left by now. She told me that although she is strong, her patience is not infinite. What she said in the journal scarred me, and she said she was sorry for that, but she needed to know if she could trust me. How can I ever begin to get her trust back? Should I ignore or pay attention to these "gut" feelings I get from time to time? I can't go on this way....it all needs to end. Any thoughts??? Sorry for being so long winded....