Emotional Relationship at Work

It seems to me Dyna07 is weaving, or constructing, a fragile blanket of 'How My Good Common Sense Could Conceivably Be Wrong'.

On believing co-workers, I'm still a little nonplussed at the blue collar dig. but agree that one should take rumors with a grain of salt, or even a whole pound of salt, from whatever source. But... I'd also consider them as possibilities.

Equally nonplussed, osso, and I almost drilled him a new one over it but decided to let it pass. Thanks for mentioning it.

I also agree with Noddy and Montana that anyone who would stage this type of 'trap' isn't someone I'd want to spend much time being married to.

No offense by the blue collar dig, as I am from a blue collar background, maybe it came across that way. Her diary is not phoney at all; her therapist recommended that she write it. I am not making any excuses over what I have done, for the way she "trapped" me, but this weekend she understood where these insecurities came from and why I acted the way I have. She is concerned that I felt the need to investigate, that I do not trust her. At this point, the evidence in front of me is too obvious to ignore but I am going to assume that it MAY all be circumstantial. On the other side of the coin, my eyes are still open and she will have to re-establish trust also....there are too many coincidences right now and she has to understand that. My heart and mind tell me that it's all just dumb luck, but in the pit of my gut there's still something not right. I can't ignore that feeling completely. I just want this flip-flopping to be over so I can sleep at night.

Dyna--

Whether she is faithful or unfaithful, she is not kind.

Perhaps her own background and insecurities require her to devil you with emotional uncertainity. Does your background require that you put up with this?

This woman may be very dangerous for the core of your being. Nice Girls don't play head games.

And, please, please, please do not think about bringing a baby into this mix. I know there were some fertility issues, but a baby is Not the answer to your dilemma.

Trust me, this is also on my mind. The fact that we've been trying so hard to have a baby, and the fact that to this minute we still want to, leads me to believe that these things were all coincidences. I can't see an adulterous person wanting to have another baby with their spouse. I could be wrong though....I don't think she's that type of person.

Sorry to say, but I think you're in denial and I'm chiming in with those who say "don't have children with her"!

She's playing you!

Absolutely DO NOT have a baby!

Some people seem to think a baby is a bandage that will help heal a bad relationship. But it doesn't work like that. Even under the best of circumstances, having a baby places a huge strain on a relationship. With the serious problems in your relationship, this is no time to think about adding more stress! And it would be supremely unfair to the child to be brought up in a home that is not emotionally stable.

The two of you need to get your own lives straightened out before you even think about becoming role models for a child. For God's sake, don't create MORE problems!

(The relationship with Bill sounds like an emotional affair to me. Hope that's all it is, but it might very well be more.)

Dyna, I still don't know for sure what's going on, but people can hold apparently contradictory desires at the same time. She could most definitely both be having an affair and want to have a baby. Or she could want to have a baby, period, without caring much about who is the father. Or she could want to have your baby but not want to stay with you. There are a whole lot of possibilities.

At the very least she strikes me as someone who is very confused and is going through an intense emotional time -- which isn't the best sort of circumstances for making clear-eyed decisions. Especially decisions with this kind of import and long-term effects.

I definitely agree that it's a good idea to put the baby-making on hold until some other things get resolved.

Count me in the No Baby Chorus.

Your wife is not acting like a Good Mother--unless she's taking her ideas of motherhood from the Hollywood scene.

I'd also take some steps to protect yourself financially, just in case...

That has already crossed my mind. Right now she can't afford to have me leave, as I am the breadwinner right now. Not sure what I would need to do financially. I just don't know what to do....stick it out, trust in her or stick it out, look for more evidence.

If your best friend was asking your for advice and described the same situation to you, what advice would you give that best friend?

When in doubt, I always look for more evidence.

It seems to me that you all are concerned and think that I should be. When looking at all this in front of me, I also agree that I ought to be worried. But, when I take a good look at these 2 people, knowing their personalities and their character, it's very hard to visualize either one of them jeopardizing what they have by creating an adulterous relationship; I just don't see it in either of them. I think that thought (or maybe it's rationalization) is the only thing keeping me from walking out at this point. Either I have faith in her or I do not; that is what I have to decide. I'm not sure that I will ever get the real truth without hiring a PI and to me, that is an admission that my marriage is most likely messed up beyound repair. Thanks for all your thoughts...this is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.

Dyna--

Opinions are easy.

Decisions are not. You have the hard part here.

Good luck.

Best wishes to you Dyna.

Well, after a long discussion, I have decided to accept all these past occurrences as circumstantial....just based on my gut feeling that my wife could not stray. Last night, she talked about asking Bill to go out and have a beer or two, just to relax and get out of the house. In the past, I kept my thoughts to myself on the issue and told her it wasn't a problem. It really isn't, but I told her that I didn't understand why she needed to go out with just him...and not the usual group who stops off occasionally for a drink. She said that she didn't want everyone at work starting/spreading rumors about her and Bill, so she wanted to go to a different bar. I then told her that going somewhere else wasn't going to solve the problem..it could only fuel the flames. She then asked why it was OK the times in the past when she went out with Bill; I told her that I didn't care for her doing that, but I kept my thoughts to myself. She then accused me of lying in the past when she asked if I was OK with it and said that she was tired of these "rules" that I make. I then told her this was the reason I didn't say anything in the past...because somehow she turns things around, blames me for not trusting her and I become the bad guy. She then proceeded to pout for a good portion of the evening.
The bottom line is that I don't think that a spouse goes out in the evening with someone of the opposite sex, regardless of how good friends they are or their age. She claimed that occasionally going to lunch with Bill was no different; I disagreed, saying that it was different because lunch is within the workday, not after hours when you should be home with your family. She claims that she needs more social interaction and I understand that. To go out with a group of co-workers is totally fine with me, but to isolate yourself with someone of the opposite sex, who is also married, is just wrong. I am curious to know what Bill's wife would say about all this. I'm asking all of you....is my thinking on this issue irrational? There is no doubt in my mind that if the roles were reversed, she would throw a fit if I acted the way she does.

I don't think your feelings about this are irrational at all! Quite the opposite, in fact.

Her relationship with Bill is obviously a priority for her and I know I personally couldn't handle my spouse running to another woman to vent personal issues with.

I just have a feeling that she will never understand my point unless she had to deal with a situation like this. She just doesn't get it I guess. I would like to have a session with her and her therapist, explain my thoughts, and see what the therapist has to say. Maybe then she will get it.