Emotional Relationship at Work

I've already said what I thought, and won't repeat.

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Dyna07 wrote:

She's 31...he's 53..I just don't see it happening, especially since he has know her family for years. I guess I need concrete evidence before I walk away.

As MMS said "don't let the age fool you", he's not that old ;-)

If you need evidence, I suggest you go get it, just so you can have some piece of mind. I know if I suspected I was being cheated on, I'd be looking to find out if it was true.

I couldn't live with the doubt and if I had the money, I wouldn't hesitate to hire a PI. Not for one second.

It's your call and your choice to live like this, or not.

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I'm going to pretend everything is ok and see what happens. Do some more investigating for myself. Thank you for all your input, I'll keep you all posted as this unravels one way or the other.

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Dyna,

I am pretty new to this website and I came across your dilemma and read it over the weekend. I know that you seem to be at a total loss, but I know this situation a little too well because I had a friend who was a part of something very similar who confided all this to me. So I figured that I would share with you.....

My friend, Madison, was dating a wonderful guy for about a year, lived with him, plans of marriage, the whole nine yards. He had a child to a previous and every Friday night when the office would go out to the bar, her bf was unable to go because he had his daughter and it was the only night that he got to spend some quality alone time with her.

During that time, Madison started talking with one of the guys Mike that she didn't really care for much in the office because he was arrogant and cocky. But she found out that they had a lot in common---music, tv shows, movies, etc. and found out that he wasn't that bad of a guy.

To make this really really long story short.....Madison started doing the same thing your wife would be doing, confided into Mike (who was married and when the "friendship" started, she was pregnant), went to the bar often without her bf and just him, text msg's, emails, phone calls. She was very open about it to her bf that they were "friends" but she did in fact start a relationship with him. Even though her bf was a wonderful man and basically worshipped her, she found it necessary to start a relationship where they started sleeping together, going everywhere together, if she was not having a good day, she would go and run to him and let her bf know where she was going but still insisted that they were just friends and since she didn't have many friends....he should understand. Of course the rumors started flying and they denied it the whole time and it just made her bf look awful!

The evidence was so clear and she denied all of it every time it came up and would start the whole conversation about " how can you not trust me". She would just then start to push blame on him because she felt that the daughter was getting in the way (it was just her excuse to make him feel guilty).

He finally started "checking up" on her when she said she was going tanning ( another coincidence), over to her only female friends house, when she would house sit for her boss......of course his car was always present.

In the end, he found emails that couldn't be denied because they did the text msg thing and blamed it on "accidentally" sent to her rather than his wife.

I just hate to see you go through what my friend did to a friend of mine. It was so difficult......we all worked together which I am not sure if I mentioned it. So Mike was her bf's boss and Madison was a manager of another department.

I also want to add that my friend had been cheated on in the past and said she didn't want to go down that road because she knew how it tore her apart. But she did it anyways.

Dyna, please do not keep your blinders up and go with your "gut" feeling because it usually doesn't turn you in the wrong way. I wish you the best and there is so much more to the story that I have that if you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I tried to be detailed as much as possible but there were so many scenarios that I would be here all day with.

I hope this may shed some more light on this for you. Take care!

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Thanks for the story, as it is VERY similar to mine. I have good days and bad. At times, I look at my wife and believe that she couldn't stray, but days like today where I look at the whole string of events just makes me think otherwise. To make a long story short on my end...

1. She establishes this relationship with Bill, confiding a lot of personal things to him
2. One night gets upset at a company dinner b/c he pretty much ignored her
3. By chance, I find a garage door opener in her jacket which happens to be Bill's for his apartment here on the jobsite (she said he dropped it, forgot to give it back to him)
4. I find her car and his truck parked next to each other at a tanning salon when he supposedly drove to his home to vote that night
5. I overhear a conversation between she and her close friend, asking "Can you really be in love with someone and still have an affair?" (Later explained that she thought I was the one who wanted a separation to have an affair, was asking her friend b/c her ex had an affair also)
6. Twice drives to talk to him after we have arguments
7. Starts being secretive with text messages, deleting them frequently
8. Because of #8, I come across the sexual laden text messages from Bill one night (hand shakes as she erases them; claims she was upset b/c it scared her to think that he would send her something like that)
9. The whole journal fiasco where it seems to me that there was a lot of thought and truth in the writing about being in love with someone else, wondering if it was love or lust (later claimed it was a trap to catch me reading her journal)
10. As of last night, still deleting text messages even though she now says she feels she needs to do that because of my snooping (if there was nothing to hide, why delete???)

All these things keep creeping into my mind. Today we both talked about needing some space, she tells me I need to do what's best for me. I guess all I need is concrete evidence to walk away forever.

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Dyna07 wrote:

Thanks for the story, as it is VERY similar to mine. I have good days and bad. At times, I look at my wife and believe that she couldn't stray, but days like today where I look at the whole string of events just makes me think otherwise. To make a long story short on my end...

1. She establishes this relationship with Bill, confiding a lot of personal things to him
2. One night gets upset at a company dinner b/c he pretty much ignored her
3. By chance, I find a garage door opener in her jacket which happens to be Bill's for his apartment here on the jobsite (she said he dropped it, forgot to give it back to him)
4. I find her car and his truck parked next to each other at a tanning salon when he supposedly drove to his home to vote that night
5. I overhear a conversation between she and her close friend, asking "Can you really be in love with someone and still have an affair?" (Later explained that she thought I was the one who wanted a separation to have an affair, was asking her friend b/c her ex had an affair also)
6. Twice drives to talk to him after we have arguments
7. Starts being secretive with text messages, deleting them frequently
8. Because of #8, I come across the sexual laden text messages from Bill one night (hand shakes as she erases them; claims she was upset b/c it scared her to think that he would send her something like that)
9. The whole journal fiasco where it seems to me that there was a lot of thought and truth in the writing about being in love with someone else, wondering if it was love or lust (later claimed it was a trap to catch me reading her journal)
10. As of last night, still deleting text messages even though she now says she feels she needs to do that because of my snooping (if there was nothing to hide, why delete???)

All these things keep creeping into my mind. Today we both talked about needing some space, she tells me I need to do what's best for me. I guess all I need is concrete evidence to walk away forever.

Dyna:

After reading your list, I have to wonder; what would be an example of "concrete evidence"?

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Most of you are sitting there thinking, "what is he waiting for"? I really don't know. There's still a part of me that wants to believe her (denial maybe). I think there are too many instances for there to be nothing going on. Does anyone think that there's a chance she's not cheating? I have to know the truth.

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Dyna,

I hate to say it but I think you do have the concrete evidence. Everything that you just listed is too much to be a coincidence. Have you ever thought about talking to "Bill's" wife to see what she knows about this? Not even to just tell her everything that has been going on but if she notices anything different with him. Of course I understand why you wouldn't go that route.....just thought I would ask.

How are you going to give each other space ? Are you going to stay somewhere else or is she?

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I think I will stay with my parents....they are nearby. It will be so hard to explain everything. The hardest part will be what will my adopted daughter think...she's only 3 years old. I don't know if I can leave her.

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Butrflynet has repeatedly suggested a private investigator.

You now say you want to know.
But earlier this morning, you say that you are going to "pretend" everything is okay.

I know this is hard. But not knowing isn't helping any, it's just prolonging the agony. You need to know.

Listen to Butrflynet, please!

It doesn't really matter if we think she's cheating or not. (many people seem to think there's a middle to hell-yes chance)
You don't want to believe.
So what is it going to take to convince you?

Get the PI.

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I don't see where "giving each other space" is going to help anything.

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Dyna07 wrote:

Most of you are sitting there thinking, "what is he waiting for"? I really don't know. There's still a part of me that wants to believe her (denial maybe). I think there are too many instances for there to be nothing going on. Does anyone think that there's a chance she's not cheating? I have to know the truth.

Dyna, after reading your list with even more EVIDENCE, I personally don't think there's any chance at all that she's not cheating.

Everything is right in front of already.

I'm sorry Dyna. I hate telling you that, but I hate more to see you being treated like a fool.

There's no doubt in my mind that she's cheating Sad

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hellokittygirl777 wrote:

Dyna,

I am pretty new to this website and I came across your dilemma and read it over the weekend. I know that you seem to be at a total loss, but I know this situation a little too well because I had a friend who was a part of something very similar who confided all this to me. So I figured that I would share with you.....

My friend, Madison, was dating a wonderful guy for about a year, lived with him, plans of marriage, the whole nine yards. He had a child to a previous and every Friday night when the office would go out to the bar, her bf was unable to go because he had his daughter and it was the only night that he got to spend some quality alone time with her.

During that time, Madison started talking with one of the guys Mike that she didn't really care for much in the office because he was arrogant and cocky. But she found out that they had a lot in common---music, tv shows, movies, etc. and found out that he wasn't that bad of a guy.

To make this really really long story short.....Madison started doing the same thing your wife would be doing, confided into Mike (who was married and when the "friendship" started, she was pregnant), went to the bar often without her bf and just him, text msg's, emails, phone calls. She was very open about it to her bf that they were "friends" but she did in fact start a relationship with him. Even though her bf was a wonderful man and basically worshipped her, she found it necessary to start a relationship where they started sleeping together, going everywhere together, if she was not having a good day, she would go and run to him and let her bf know where she was going but still insisted that they were just friends and since she didn't have many friends....he should understand. Of course the rumors started flying and they denied it the whole time and it just made her bf look awful!

The evidence was so clear and she denied all of it every time it came up and would start the whole conversation about " how can you not trust me". She would just then start to push blame on him because she felt that the daughter was getting in the way (it was just her excuse to make him feel guilty).

He finally started "checking up" on her when she said she was going tanning ( another coincidence), over to her only female friends house, when she would house sit for her boss......of course his car was always present.

In the end, he found emails that couldn't be denied because they did the text msg thing and blamed it on "accidentally" sent to her rather than his wife.

I just hate to see you go through what my friend did to a friend of mine. It was so difficult......we all worked together which I am not sure if I mentioned it. So Mike was her bf's boss and Madison was a manager of another department.

I also want to add that my friend had been cheated on in the past and said she didn't want to go down that road because she knew how it tore her apart. But she did it anyways.

Dyna, please do not keep your blinders up and go with your "gut" feeling because it usually doesn't turn you in the wrong way. I wish you the best and there is so much more to the story that I have that if you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I tried to be detailed as much as possible but there were so many scenarios that I would be here all day with.

I hope this may shed some more light on this for you. Take care!

Very good post Hellokitty and I couldn't agree more!

Welcome to A2K.

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Dyna07 wrote:

I think I will stay with my parents....they are nearby. It will be so hard to explain everything. The hardest part will be what will my adopted daughter think...she's only 3 years old. I don't know if I can leave her.

Yeah, it's so hard when there are children involved. My heart goes out to you Dyna and I wish you the very best.

We're here for ya.

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Guess I just need some real evidence (pictures, etc.) to throw back at her to prove my point that she's been lying all along. In addition to the situation with our daughter, her Dad is also the Project Manager here where we work together. What will become of my job if I have to tell him all this and it turns out to be a bunch of circumstances???

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Like others, I don't think the space will help. Who suggested space anyways?

From my post earlier, when Madison asked for space to clear things up with the relationship, she used that time to not distance herself from Mike. Her bf gave her what she wanted and it was just to continue what she was doing.

For your own sanity, I think you have enough evidence there to know what is happening. If you need more, you will start to lose your mind and then if you try again with someone else, you will always be on the fence wondering if what anyone is telling you is true!

I know you must think of your daughter, but you can't keep her in a confused environment the way it is.

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Dyna07 wrote:

Guess I just need some real evidence (pictures, etc.) to throw back at her to prove my point that she's been lying all along. In addition to the situation with our daughter, her Dad is also the Project Manager here where we work together. What will become of my job if I have to tell him all this and it turns out to be a bunch of circumstances???

That's tricky right there in itself. Has he heard about all of what she is doing from other co-workers? If that were my daughter and I heard "rumors" about her with someone else in the office where she shares a workplace with her husband.....I would hit the roof and call her out on it.

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Dyna07 wrote:

Guess I just need some real evidence (pictures, etc.) to throw back at her to prove my point that she's been lying all along. In addition to the situation with our daughter, her Dad is also the Project Manager here where we work together. What will become of my job if I have to tell him all this and it turns out to be a bunch of circumstances???

Circumstances is what she likes to call them, but I call it evidence. You saw the text messege, found his garage door keys on her, saw his truck at her salon, she's secretive about her calls, deleting them as they come etc, and that is hard evidence in my book.

I've seen this too often (bartending + cab owner) and this is very real.

If you need more evidence, I doesn't seem like you'll have too hard of a time getting it. Might want to keep an eye on the appartment at work. Sounds like a very handy place for them to get together.

Is there any chance of you getting another job somewhere else? I know working together would not be a good thing for you.

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Quote:

Guess I just need some real evidence (pictures, etc.) to throw back at her to prove my point that she's been lying all along. In addition to the situation with our daughter, her Dad is also the Project Manager here where we work together. What will become of my job if I have to tell him all this and it turns out to be a bunch of circumstances???

Well, if he's any kind of man at all, he'll leave the job as it is, and your personal problems out of it. She's the one that is in the wrong....(I know, all parents aren't created equal)

Dyna,

About the concrete evidence: Get it if thats what will give you the answer to help figure out what you need to do. But you need to realize what concrete evidence can do to you as well.....whether you think you know what to expect, it's going to hurt.

So let me tell you about a friend of mine....

About the space: I'm just not sure this works. I've seen this many times out of one of my friends. She'd question herself on being wrong for leaving after a few weeks seperation, a couple of visits later and a handful of roses she'd walk back into the relationship with honeymoon expectations just to have it fall out from underneath her quickly.

She had suspected him of cheating on her several times with another friend of ours. We all knew he was, but she was in denial and really didn't want to know the truth. She just wanted to raise hell about it....but never really know.

It took myself and another friend playing P.I. at her request to give her the concrete proof she wanted. Pictures and all! (I still have the pictures too.)

Want me to share what happened after she got her concrete evidence?

The first round I had to take a baseball bat away from her to keep her from beating out his truck windows and headlights. I think he deserved it, but there was a better way to handle it.

The second round, this little women not only picked up a gun that I had to bodily take away from her, but she then leaped into her Avalanche and hauled ass to where he was w/said "friend" and rammed her pickup into "friends" vehicle and upon doing so...pushed it into the side of the house. Not such a pretty episode to be a witness too.

So, what I'm getting at is to be prepared for it. Don't expect all sunshine and roses with photos, they hurt to see.......so suspect the worse....

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The way I feel right now, I don't want to be in her presence until I know the truth. At this point, I think she could pass a lie detector test she's so good at this (if she is manipulating). I just want to get away....

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