I met a girl.

kicky's like, oh what is it.....about 58?

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ehBeth wrote:

~~~

You don't need the extra work of sorting out someone else's issues, kicky.

~~~

just curious ehBeth...not meaning to start a disagreement or anything, I'm just really having a hard time seeing this perspective....

What sort of issue's do you see this girl having at this exact point that makes persuing this so undesirable and out of the question?

Also, saying "you don't need the extra work" Confused

I don't get that at all. I mean, I don't know what kicky's got going on in his life right now, but how is making a 2nd effort to have cup of coffee or getting to know someone a little better extra work?

Anyway, is it work to get to know someone, or pleasure?

I guess I just look at it that if someone clicks, or has a little chemistry with someone, and they feel the chemistry went both ways, it's no work to give it some extra time.

I'm not saying this about you ehBeth, but......It just seems so...I don't know....cold and calculating to just cut someone off like you're so perfect you just can't be bothered. (general you)

I'm just glad, I suppose, that so many people gave me a second chance, or else I wouldn't know anyone or have any friends.

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No time to really talk. Work is busy. Just letting you know that she is 34. I'm 41. She didn't seem to give a damn when we talked about that though. I doubt that is an issue at all.

I think I'm going to just wait until a month goes by and see if I still feel like calling her. I thought about e-mailing her and trying to fix things, but I think she's got a certain somewhat negative impression of me now that would only be enhanced by me bugging her again. In the meantime, now that I'm on this f*cking internet dating site, I think I'm going to try to go out with every damn woman I can find. I might as well. I already paid for the stupid thing, and this little romance seems to have little chance of surviving now.

It's just frustrating because this is the first time in a very long time that I've met somebody new and really saw the potential for a more long-term, not just another f-buddy kind of thing.

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Green Witch wrote:

kickycan wrote:
You know, I did realize when I originally asked her to go that there was a chance that she would feel like I would be expecting something in return for the excellent concert tickets. But I just felt like it was going so well that it would be okay to take a little chance, especially since I really had nobody to go with, and really wanted to go, and probably won't go if I have to go alone. I really asked her more out of my own selfishness than because I was trying to screw her or anything. Such good seats! And the Fratellis are opening up for them! Aaaay, it's a crime to give them up!

I've thought about all this, and I think you should contact her again. Tell her a little nicer version of what you said above. Admit you really want to see The Police, but not alone. Mention that you enjoy her company and thought it would be a chance to have another nice date and see the band. Tell her you offered to pay because you knew it was a lot of money and didn't want to put her in an awkward situation of having to come up with $250 for a date. Admit you thought it might be a little bold to offer such an expensive date so early in the relationship, but your enthusiasm for the band and her nice company clouded your judgement. Say you're sorry (women love it when men say they're sorry) if you scared her, but maybe she could reconsider and the two of you could start over with the understanding that misunderstandings happen.

I agree with Green Witch and what Chai was saying. I think you should wait a few weeks and give her another call. Explain that you truly hadn't even thought that the concert would make her feel uncomfortable and maybe you guys could get together for coffee.
If she takes you up on your offer, take things very slowly and be careful not to spend lots of $ on her until a fair amount of time passes, like a few months.

Good luck, Kicky!

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kickycan wrote:

No time to really talk. Work is busy. Just letting you know that she is 34. I'm 41. She didn't seem to give a damn when we talked about that though. I doubt that is an issue at all.

I think I'm going to just wait until a month goes by and see if I still feel like calling her. I thought about e-mailing her and trying to fix things, but I think she's got a certain somewhat negative impression of me now that would only be enhanced by me bugging her again. In the meantime, now that I'm on this f*cking internet dating site, I think I'm going to try to go out with every damn woman I can find. I might as well. I already paid for the stupid thing, and this little romance seems to have little chance of surviving now.

It's just frustrating because this is the first time in a very long time that I've met somebody new and really saw the potential for a more long-term, not just another f-buddy kind of thing.

Hang in there (((((((Kicky))))))

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kickycan wrote:

Okay, here's the story.

I blame that second beer I had. We met last tuesday at a bar on an internet date. We clicked pretty much instantly. I was attracted to her physically, but mostly I just felt so relieved to meet someone that I really felt comfortable with. And I am positive that the feeling was mutual. So after about two hours, and just after that goddammed second beer, the Police song Roxanne comes on. I'm feeling pretty good, since I hadn't eaten anything all day. So I ask her to go to the concert, which is sunday, the 5th. She goes "To see the Police? F*CK YES!" I'm paraphrasing, of course.

We went out again sunday, and the Police concert came up again, and she still seemed like she was into it. I started to get a little bit more excited about the concert because the kiss goodbye on sunday was totally innocent, but it lingered for just a tiny little moment. Promising.

So she calls me tuesday. We talk about the concert. She says she's worried about how we're getting to the concert. I laugh her off, saying it's just a simple bus ride to Giants Stadium. But I let her know that she might be home late, because the line to get back on the buses to the city is usally pretty long. She sounds a little worried, but still, she seemed into it.

So we hang up, and then around midnight last night, I get an e-mail telling me she is sorry but she's getting stressed out about the concert and can't go after all. She tells me to call her tonight if I want. So I do, and she tells me that she felt like it was too much, that the concert was too expensive (I think she knew that the tickets for the seats I have cost over $500), and that she really does love being with me and talking with me but now that this has happened, it's awkward, so we should probably just stop seeing each other.

There, that's pretty much the story.

I can somewhat understand her backing out of the concert if she felt uncomfortable, but the part about just breaking it off completely seems insane to me. Why, if you like someone, can't you get past one awkward little moment?

Oh, hell. This sounds so me-like.

Will continue to read.... I am right now considering murdering another good relationship....

Reading on...

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Would NEVER let a guy spend $250. on me unless we had already moved into committed relationship.... so I get her so far....

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Why the **** didn't you let her pay? My red flags WOULD REALLY BE WAVING.

She offered. You would have had a date.

<smacks Kicky>

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I think the ticket price and may be getting home late thing---(I think Garg said this, too) would have spooked me so soon.

I don't think anything is wrong with her.

She offered to pay for her ticket, and you may want to examine why you wouldn't allow her to do that---or why you could spring for a huge ticket, but couldn't make sure she had an easy time getting home afterwards.

I'm glad as hell to see that you're getting out, though.

Good luck!!!!

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numbered for ease of response

Chai wrote:

1. What sort of issue's do you see this girl having at this exact point that makes persuing this so undesirable and out of the question?

Also, saying "you don't need the extra work" I don't get that at all. I mean, I don't know what kicky's got going on in his life right now, 2. but how is making a 2nd effort to have cup of coffee or getting to know someone a little better extra work?

3. Anyway, is it work to get to know someone, or pleasure?

4. I guess I just look at it that if someone clicks, or has a little chemistry with someone, and they feel the chemistry went both ways, it's no work to give it some extra time.

5. I'm not saying this about you ehBeth, but......It just seems so...I don't know....cold and calculating to just cut someone off like you're so perfect you just can't be bothered. (general you)

6. I'm just glad, I suppose, that so many people gave me a second chance, or else I wouldn't know anyone or have any friends.

1. doesn't matter what kind of issues - I'll take any issue as one too many at the beginning of a relationship (any one of the several I see here will do). Beginning dating should be easy. ***

2. the energy put into someone else's 'stuff' can usually be put to better use on our own 'stuff'.

3. generally, I'd say it should be pleasure - not work - so if it's not easy at the beginning, I'm not likely to follow up. Things can get tricky later, that's part of being in a relationship - but if it's not light and easy up front, I'm not likely to hang around. I'm not into front-loaded projects.

What kicky described doesn't sound like it's been pleasant for either of them - once the complications of the concert kicked in - I don't find that you can get the toothpaste back into the tube.

4. there are lots of good people you can have chemistry with. I think it's better to find one that melds with your own kind of crazy at the beginning, rather than work at it.

5. it's actually the reverse. I'm not perfect. I should be focusing on making myself a better partner for someone else, not on trying to fix/help/adjust someone else. Once I'm a better partnership option, the whole relationship thing will likely work out more smoothly.

6. You're right. You're lucky.

~~~

*** While I see some problems with how the whole concert thing was approached by the Kickster, I think a woman in her mid-30's should be able to handle her responses with more ease. Maybe their combined levels of intensity/freakishness could work out well, but it seems like it would be really stressful - for both of them.

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ehBeth---She asked to pay for her ticket. She wanted to go, but was uncomfortable with the NEW guy paying such an exhorbitant cost...

Do you think offering to pay was a good way top handle it...and that maybe kicky should have been flexible on this point?

Mayhap?

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My sentiments exactly, ehBeth... particularly your last paragraph.

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However, I am feeling the toothpaste back in the tube thing in my own life....You may have a sad point, here...

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Well, I reread the first page or two and I'm back to my original response. She's four.

Given that after several days (and having been previously expressing enthusiasm for the concert) she began to have qualms about going to the concert as too big a deal too soon, the next sentence about not seeing each other anymore seems an over the top reaction. Not going to it, sure. "Not see each other anymore" - there are issues here past cost of tickets, waiting for a bus, lateness of evening.

Since there was all this comfort prior to that, I can see having a further phone conversation/meet in a coffee bar some time later, but I'm holding out small hope for a useful honest conversation.

I guess I'm out of it because I don't understand the woman and others here frowning that someone would ask you on a date for an expensive concert.

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It was to be their first or second date....at a cost of $250.... she offers to pay and he laughs at her....and he's not quite sure how she'll get home....

I'd rather they guy take me somewhere much cheaper...a really nice meal or something, and knock himself out to make sure I got home safely....

Maybe she's similar...

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Lash wrote:

ehBeth---She asked to pay for her ticket. She wanted to go, but was uncomfortable with the NEW guy paying such an exhorbitant cost...

thinking/saying that this was a reason to stop seeing someone new is what bothers me

~~~

offer to pay (if the cost for an early date seems too much for you) - good

if he says no - in that case, no thanks, maybe I'll catch you another time for a coffee or something

calling things off because it feels awkward now? I guess I see it as a favour to both of them

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wow ehBeth...seriously, your post was a real eye opener for me... Confused

I wish you could see me now, with my brow furrowed, trying to come to terms with this.

again, not putting you in the mix....I'm just having these thoughts....

I didn't really think that some people thought every single thing should just be easy breezy in all matters when you first meet someone.

Oh, I'm not talking about when you first meet someone, like day one, and they're going on about all sorts of ****....can't/won't give specific examples, but just someone who you obviously don't want to spend time with...then I do think it should be cut right off.

But in the case where you go out with someone twice, and the two of you seem to be hitting it off, even getting a little kiss...well, I guess I wouldn't be that surprised after that point to find out they have feet of clay...just like I do...You learn a lot about someone over the course of 2 dates. At least I think so.

Everyone has problems, things going on in their lives. You said I was lucky that people gave me a chance...I don't think lucky is the word so much as I've made friends who were able to see past fairly common stuff that everyone has going on to one degree or another. I just said I was glad.

Ok, one of those "what if's" not related to the kicky story...just musing....

"what if" you were pretty much OK, no major hangup ups, someone worth getting to know, and you met someone....after date #2 you find out a friend, family member, whatever has some disease, and this upsets you of course....now all of a sudden, you've got some baggage, and you can't but help talk about it.

If I dated you twice, and thought you were pretty nice, and we were clicking, I couldn't say to you, "Hey, we just started dating and everything's supposed to be easy...your brother getting cancer just changes everything...I can't stay around listening to your problems. Get back to me when you're not going to make me listen to how much you love your brother" Obviously not those exact words....

From reading everything kicky wrote, it just doesn't seem she has any problem with him at all.

It all seemed to change about this getting to the concert, taking a bus, maybe staying up late, lines, etc. At least that's what I'm seeing.

So, I don't know, maybe she's afraid of crowds? nervous around public transportation? I mean, I don't know, but, she at least needs to be given a chance to express that.

Honest to God, I think we would all be alone all our lives if we waited around for someone that was going to be "easy"

heh...you know, maybe it's because of my pragmatism rather than despite it that I feel so strongly about giving someone a chance, especially after getting to know them somewhat.

I don't feel it's wasting energy on them. No ones asking anyone to solve someones issues....just to be accepting of them. Just because someone has certain fears or different habits doesn't obligate you to try to help them solve it.
If, for instance, she has a problem with crowds, well ****, you acknowledge the other person doesn't like crowds, and go to do stuff that doesn't involve 10,000 people.

She might just be embarrassed to mention what her fear is, because, believe me, I know....it's hard to tell someone sometimes something like that, because you're worried they're going to think you're nuts.

I mean phuck....it's not like she's running down the street ripping her hair out....

where do you draw the line where someone's not worth your time....?

Oh, you're allergic to seafood? I can't see you anymore because I was going to take you to Red Lobster....you're just not easy enough for me to deal with.

The more I think about it.....the more I realize that if I found out right now that someone didn't want to go out with me at some point in my life because I was dealing with something people deal with every day, I'd think "what a selfish prick, sorry I wasn't all easy to deal with....in fact, who's the one with the issues that they couldn't show some human compassion about 1% of me?"

I sincerely apologize...for some reason, this whole thing has just got me messed up....not kicky or the girl....but the I can't be bothered thing, especially when you don't even know that there's really a problem.

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ehBeth wrote:

thinking/saying that this was a reason to stop seeing someone new is what bothers me

~~~

well, don't you think the condemned should be given the opportunity to say why she said that?

It just hit me all of a sudden....this girl, who is most likely a perfectly nice person, has been tried, convicted and sentenced to being dumped (by a really nice guy, who frankly I would go out with if I were single), before it's even known if she's committed any crime.

Give...the...girl...a...chance to testify on her own behalf people.

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I think you're off on your own orb, Chai, not that I never do that. But, the woman is the one who called a halt to a budding relationship, let's not see each other anymore, because he dared to want to share his concert tickets with her, and they had been expensive ones. The woman is the one who didn't want to bother to go on dating over this matter.

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ossobuco wrote:

I think you're off on your own orb, Chai, not that I never do that. But, the woman is the one who called a halt to a budding relationship, let's not see each other anymore, because he dared to want to share his concert tickets with her, and they had been expensive ones. The woman is the one who didn't want to bother to go on dating over this matter.

Yeah, I'll freely admit I'm in orbit....but this just really has me upset. Almost, I'll admit to the point of tears of sadness.

If you go back and read though...she didn't try to call it off because of the tickets....it all started when she started asking how they were going to get there....about waiting in line for a bus....etc.

actually, we don't KNOW why she said what she said. I just think it isn't fair to make assumptions about her motives or feelings since we don't know why...

I guess too, I differ with many people that relationships are like streetcars, if you miss one another one comes along in 5 minutes.....personally, I think real chemistry and clicking is not an every day thing. I believe new relationships need to be nutured a little, and people cut some slack at the beginning.

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