Communicating difficult news to family

OK, I'm leaving to pick up the kids.

I'm bringing my final letter - which is a bit more explaining how we feel rather than facts of why the move is good for us.

As I'm taking the weekend and Monday to spend with my family, I may not check in until Tuesday.

Wish me luck!

Good luck and a2k hugs.

Linkat--

Hold your dominion.

Sending you Good Luck wishes, shamrocks, rainbows, crossed fingers, toes and eyes!

All my thoughts and good wishes are with you!

Linkat--

I hope your weekend was peaceful.

Thanks all - my weekend I wouldn't say was peaceful - not with two young kids! But it was fun.

Any way - this morning my dad came to pick up the kids (he does this two days a week). Since this all occurred he sort of came in and dully said hello to the kids. This morning he was all cheers and a happy voice. I usually bring the kids out to the car and make sure they are strapped in and say good-bye before climbing into my own car.

As I was walking out - my dad actually talked to me! He said when they drop the kids off (they do this as well two days a week), my mom would talk to me. He also said that it would be nice when they dropped the kids off and came into the house if my husband came out of the back bedroom (where we have our computer and his "office") - my husband told me that he hadn't been doing this when they have been recently dropping them off because it was too uncomfortable that they wouldn't say anything. However, last week as work was winding down - I have been home and they can clearly see my car - they haven't even walked in the house - simply let the kids walk in by themselves.

Any way - he then mumbled somthing about putting the heavy on them - sounding as if he didn't like what I had to say.

I guess the only way to get them to respond was to shock them - let them know I wasn't happy about their guilt game and that I didn't appreciate no support from them.

My husband seems to feel positive about this - I think I am more cautious and feel they are going to say something along the lines of me being selfish, etc.

Nice that there's a crack in the ice.




Or....


"Jesus Christ! We better talk, or she'll write another letter!"

Heh...!

That does sound promising. I wouldn't be surprised if the guilt games continue one way or the other for a while yet -- as long as they're unsettled about this, I think it's likely that they'll find a way to deflect their dismay into guilt trips. The trick will be letting them know your limits, what you'll accept and what you won't accept, and it sounds like you've been doing a good job there. Keep it up, and good luck...!

How's your older daughter doing?

Ha Ha - actually I wrote in this letter - that it would be my last letter as I would prefer to speak face to face and I am sorry but I don't know how else to approach you under the circumstances.

She's good. But this morning she mentioned if she was going to back up on Wed. as we were trying to get them. I told her I don't know as they are full and they are on the waitlist. She seemed disappointed. But wait until she gets home! I got a call today, letting me know they had a cancelation and both girls can attend.

Good for you, Linkat. However it works out, you need to do what's good for you and your family and take no prisoners. [pats Linkat on the back].

Linkat--

Communication is good--even if you have to refuse a certain amount of guilt as part of the discussion.

Could your father be more sympathetic than he has seemed? As I remember he was worried about the effect of the move on your mother, but didn't express personal dismay.

You might have an ally in the enemy camp.

Well he seemed much happier today than I have seen him in a while.

However, he was the one that wrote that he broke down and cried in front of a police officer and a nurse at the doctor's office and how he wished the nurse was his daughter. Doesn't sound like much of an ally.

I am going to expect the worst and hope for the best.

Linkat--

At least they haven't kidnapped your girls and headed for the Mexican border--yet.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

My brother said something similar - he is such a card! The good news is my brother and I have been talking a bit more than we used to and he is going to babysit so my husband and I can go out for our 10th anniversary.

That is good news! It sounds like he's had to deal with this same mode (from your parents) a lot longer than you have -- I bet it's nice for him to be able to commiserate, and nice for you to get good advice from someone who knows exactly what it's like.

I'm all ready to get mad at your parents all over again for fostering that kind of division between you and your brother, but I'll rein myself in. :-) Anyway, I'm glad that there is something in the silver lining department.

Well I guess it wasn't the worst, but close.

It started with my mom asking about the fact that I said originally that there was no way we were moving to Texas - weren't those your exact words. She was trying to show that I had lied in a sense or went back on my word. I said I am not sure what my exact words were, but yes basically that is what I said and felt at the time. I then went on to say we discussed it (my husband and me) and we determined there were two big hurdles to overcome (family and his business) and if there were only one we would then consider it, however, with two it would be too much to overcome. However since then things have changed with the business and my husband is planning on selling it.

My dad tried to focus on numbers and stats - which to be quite honest is the best way to approach with me - however, he started throwing out stats about Dallas - crime rate, the high Spanish population (now they live in a city were there is a huge Hispanic population and high crime so it seemed kind of ironic that he was quoted such stats), things along those lines. We looked at him liked he had two heads. Um, we are moving an hour outside of Dallas - not in Dallas. Dad - So you are commuting an hour to work thought it was going to be 10 minutes. Me - no, we never said anything about Dallas - the Dallas area - the office is in Westlake. He pulled out his papers, well let me look at Westlake - how many miles - I don't know it is about an hour drive. He didn't have the stats on Westlake or didn't want to read them as Westlake is a very ritzy town - million dollar homes.

Any how my mom was talking about stuff that didn't make sense and getting upset and stuff and I said well lets just talk about it reasonably. Her response - I don't want to be reasonable. Now tell me how the h*ll do you deal with then?

I mentioned say I was to take the severance package and get 3 or 4 weeks pay. I've already talked to VPs in my company and they were willing to help me, however, didn't think I had the right background for the position level I am currently at. There is one other group that is a potential and that would be an option if there was a job opening and if no one else in the group was qualified to be promoted. Outside the company, I am in the high end of the pay scale with the current job. My industry has changed a lot - many companies have merged - my choices are very limited. Basically I would have to go back to sweatshop type of company or get likely with one of the other two companies in Boston that are pretty small and not many positions available at my level.

My dad's thought was to take a different job and a huge pay cut. He thought that was possible - I explained that we still need to pay a mortgage and support our children. (not to mention it would be unlikely a company would hire me feeling that I would move if something better would come open).

He then went on to say that I could buy a home here - and I said how? We've looked and in the area to get a 3 bedroom, 2bath deceit condition home would cost $500k. He told me I know of one on sale for $345k. I asked where - he said Brockton - well I am not moving to Brockton (one a longer commute and as I said above big crime rates). I even mentioned how they have had two shooting (one death as a result) just down the street from them. My mom said - what does that matter you could get hit by something falling out of sky walking down the street. I said that's true. So my dad said then who cares about the crime rate which I responded, but you were the one who brought it up originally.

Then he mocked me. That was about the only thing that could top my mother's comment about not wanting to be reasonable. He made a face at me and wiggled his arms and hands and repeated in this goofy voice what I just said. I stood up and said that is it! I had been respectful of them and their thoughts - not agreed, but had been respectful of them. That was childish, rude and demeaning and I wasn't taking it.

He got up and said to my mom lets go. I said so you want to walk out and walk away from your daughter and grandchildren. He said no, you are leaving us. And he again mocked us and said with his pinkie in the air - just go away and live in your master suite and sip wine.

What the f*ck?

Any how there is lots more - but I tried to give you the highlights (or lowlights) as briefly as I could. Isn't this at least entertaining?

Needless to say I didn't sleep much last night.

And here is my question - what to do about the kids? My Pre-schooler will only be in school 3 days a week. I got at least a temporary sitter for her two days a week (another mom at the school) - I will deal with the next two weeks as best I can. I have them in back up day care today, but tomorrow, unless something comes available today, they are full.

Any way, my husband thinks I should call my parents and see if they still want to watch my younger daughter those two other days. Meaning that we want it for our children so as not to upset them and pull away important people from them. Of course, under the circumstances that they don't try to make her feel bad about Texas.

I'm mixed on this - what are your thoughts? And how should we tell the kids?

Geez!

At least they're talking about it. ("I don't want to be reasonable..." argh!!)

This will probably be a long process -- I can't tell yet if there will be a decent resolution to it or not. What is your brother's relationship with them like, now?

Your preschooler is still fine with being watched by your parents for now, right? It's your older daughter who had mixed feelings? I'm thinking that as long as she's OK with it, to keep the current situation, for a few reasons. One is leverage with your parents. You're entirely within your rights to say, "Look, I want you guys to be able to spend time with [younger daughter] before we move. She enjoys it, you enjoy it, it's a great situation. However, I expect you to be responsible -- that means not making a difficult situation [moving] more difficult than it needs to be. I will make alternate childcare arrangements if you are unable to do that."

That's not quite right, but something along those lines.

I think that you guys are more likely to keep talking and move towards a resolution if you keep the current childcare situation. I do think there need to be limits, though -- how they act with your child, and how they act with you.

Continuing sympathy -- your parents are a couple of pieces of work!!