Communicating difficult news to family

How's it going, Linkat?

No better, thanks for asking.

My oldest has been over their house too the past couple of weeks as she isn't in camp - and I asked if she wanted to go to camp another week and she said no. Now she doesn't want to go over there. I asked if she wanted to go to my work's backup daycare and she said yes. I tried to get them in for next week, but they are full and my kids are on a waitlist. If they don't get in I'll take a few days off.

Not sure 100% what is going on there - but my older one talked about my dad crying and that they were talking about Texas (my parents and my aunt) one day. She also told me how my mom picked up and threw my youngest daughter. I guess she was talking back and saying "no" to my mom and my mom got upset and most likely picked her up roughly and dropped her roughly on the floor (my kids tend to exaggerate things like that a bit) and my older daughter did not actually see it happen she came in after my youngest was crying.

Last night my oldest had trouble sleeping and got up late at night and said she couldn't sleep. I talked to her a bit and asked if anything was bothering her - she said No, just that she couldn't fall asleep. Then at 4:00am I hear my husband yelling - both kids are wide awake with the lights on and playing. My older daughter said she had a nightmare and couldn't sleep. My husband slept with her the rest of the night in their room and the youngest slept with me.

I don't know if this is bothering her or not - she does not usually have problems talking with me, but of course it is nagging at me. They still haven't talked except to barely answer me when I mentioned something about the kids and their care. I do have a final letter drafted similar to suggested wording before and plan on giving it to them Friday - pretty much saying at the end I'm not writing any more.

Well at least in two weeks they will be in school (the youngest will be in 3 days a week). I will only need to see them twice a week (sad to think seeing them less feels good).

I am sorry to hear that, Linkat. It looks like your girls are
prepped by grandma and grandpa. Why else would they have
nightmares and feel uneasy around them. Would it be possible for you to
make arrangements with a different caretaker for the girls?

I have thought of that, but I hate the thought of making huge changes for them. My older daughter seems to be more bothered (or perhaps she just had a regular old nightmare) than the younger. In a couple of weeks she will be in school 5 days a week - I'll see what I can do for vacations depending on how things are going. And next week I will either take 3 days off or if something opens, they can go to the backup child care. The following week, Monday is a holiday and then my daughter goes back on Thursday so only 2 days at grandparents.

sozobe - after all I wrote you are probably sorry you asked!

My friends have been a great support too. I had not told any of them until this week as I felt I needed to have a resolution with my parents first, but since it didn't seem forthcoming, I decided to start telling them. My one friend starting laughing when I told her my parents reaction - I didn't take offense as it is in a sense laughable - her response was at least now I don't feel I am the only one with dysfunctional family.

Linkat--

I'm the sort of interferring old bitch who forms firm opinions without hands on evidence.

I'll bet you two cookies and a dog biscuit that your parents--consciously or not--are putting your kids in the middle of the generational conflict.

"Don't tell your mother" is downright double-dirty infighting. I'd suggest a little gentle questioning along these lines.

Hold your dominion.

You know I was thinking the same thing last night. I was considering perhaps during the weekend when they have been away from the grandparents about not keeping secrets from their parents lecture.

Linkat--

I hope I'm wrong, but since your parents have shown that they feel very possessive about your children/their grandchildren....

At least you only have to worry about head games, not sexual molestation. (I'm good in the Silver Lining Department.)

Linkat, even if your girls are quite verbal about things, some things are just too hard for kids (or adults) to put into words sometimes. I am thinking along the lines of what Noddy said.

Yes that is why when my girl said she didn't want to go to her grandparents house next week, I tried to make other arrangements. Pretty much she will only have 5 more days at the most in total before school starts.

Yep, me too.

And I'm not sorry I asked at all! Just especially busy between now and when school starts -- was out of town for a week and stuff to do is piled up.

I rarely have the urge to deal with one of these A2K situations myself but I so want to give those parents of yours a talking-to...

I will gladly provide backup for said talking-to. Charts and graphs if you like. No extra chahhge.

So sad to see, that while they try not to lose their grandchildren, they are actually driving them away!

Maybe they need some distance to realise this!

Too bad you don't live near me.
I have the bestest day mother ever.

She's off on holidays for two weeks, but has already called the replacement daymother twice (in four days) to make sure, everything is OK.
I'm sure she'd be happy to help out!

Maybe you'll find an alternative, too!

I wish you luck and strong nerves!

Awww - you are guys are so sweet and thoughtful - thanks for your kind words and offers!

If it were a real emergency, I may be able to call some of my daughter's friends' parents. The parents and teachers at my daughters' school are so nice and thoughtful. At the end of the school year I was talking to the music teacher who also helps out in the after school program. She told me she would be at home most of the summer and if I needed some one to help out watching she would be more than willing to help out - many of the other teachers and moms have said similar to me before. At this time though I figure the teachers are all getting ready for school at this point and I can also take advantage and have some time off from work and spend time with the kids.

Ack. Well, one day this will just be a distant nightmare. Hopefully it will be soon. Perhaps the school, and seeing less of your daughters will help your parents to come around. It's so unfair that the kids are being dragged into this. Heck, if you need, I'll bike out there and watch your kids.

Linkat, it doesn't surprise me that your older daughter is expressing greater stress about the situation. She's the more sensitive of the two and, in general, sensitive/anxious people are much more keyed into the atmosphere going on around them. There's little doubt that she would be quick to notice the tension between you and your parents. She's smack in the middle of it on a daily basis. Things we're holding in find their own outlet. Sometimes it's dreams, sometimes it's stomach aches. She's simply reacting in her own way to what's going on around her.

That's sweet thanks dag!

Well yesterday my daughter seems like she wants to go to the grandparents house - she said, I'll only see them so many days and then I go to school. I think part is boredom, part is she is tiring from this nonsense.

I do talk to her about it - so that she doesn't feel there is some secret she is left out of. I make it clear that yes grandparents are angry at us (mom and dad not kids) because they will miss us so much and don't want us to move. I don't want to hide anything from them - not even the ugliness.

I guess I don't want to be like them in the aspect of no communication.

Crossing generational lines like this is seriously unhealthy.

It's OK to talk to your sister about your dad, but you shouldn't talk to your uncle about your dad.

It's OK to talk to your wife about your kids, but you shouldn't talk to your kids about your wife.


Grandparents talking to grandchildren about the parents... really, really, bad.


Still thinking that whapping upside the head would be helpful....

Jespah and Sozobe behind you, me behind your parents with palms ready....

What kind of line would that cross?

I never said anything about whapping. You talk, we'll kneecap.