Communicating difficult news to family

Linkat--

Has your mother always been a passive bully?

Is that what it is called?

Are these symptoms:

My grandmother needs extra care - probably could be in an assited living arrangement, but they are too expensive for her and also makes too much money to get normal financial help. I contacted through this service at work some one that sent me information how you can go about getting financial help - I forwarded a person's name and number so she could call. Instead of calling and trying to get financial help - she takes on the burden herself - of going over there every day, etc. even though my mom has 7 brothers and sisters all living in the same town or right next door - she hasn't asked anyone for help - just complains about them. Only one other sister helps out and my mom complains about her too - that she doesn't help out as much (which is true).

She once hung up on a boyfriend of mine that she didn't like and made out like it was a joke.

I've never complained about her before because she does so much to help out. But then I always feel guilty.

Ouch.

Yeah, I think you're right to do the kid talk sooner rather than later. Sounds pretty ripe for your mom making things difficult -- more difficult than things need to be.

Sorry that this is another obstacle for you -- don't feel guilted into putting up with too much, there. You have good reasons, you're being more than generous in your offers for visits (my mom would plotz if I offered anything even close), and you have the right to move. She has the right to be upset, too, of course, but at some point the fist of her pique hits the nose of your autonomy, if ya know what I mean.

Passive bully and active martyr.

You are not only stealing her beloved grandbabies, you are snatching away a source of martyr points and bragging rights for her friends.

Undoubtedly she has many admirable qualities, but she does seem to put her deep needs first in most situations.

My goodness - who said my mom, may talk with the children about this? You were right. I never thought she would as wouldn't you be concerned about the kids getting upset? Any way, after I picked my youngest up at the end of day yesterday (my mom basically wouldn't say anything to me), my daughter, laughing said, grammy said that I would move away from her forever. The little one thought it was funny for some reason. I was just so shocked I didn't say anything, but just smiled at her. She didn't seem upset or confused or anything so I didn't pursue it at this time.

This morning my dad come to pick her up (to help us out and since both my parents are retired; they pick up and drop off on Tuesdays and Wednesdays). I said, hi grampy, he didn't direct his hellos at me, but said Hi to the girls. When I brought my daughter out to the car, he gave me a dirty disgusting type of look and that was about it.

I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I am so torn. I am angry that they would even involve the girls. I feel like shouting at them - grow up! People move - they still see one another! Jeepers in another year the youngest will be in school full time. If you just be open minded, you would probably even see them more if you considered taking us up on our offer of staying as long and as often as you like. What about us? Don't you want to even consider what a good opportunity this is for us? Or would you prefer us to stay and then always feel like you held us back. Just ranting… of course.

Yep, all bets are off. (EhBeth said it first I think.)

That really, really sucks.

What do you plan to do, short-term? Sounds like you need to have that talk with your kids stat to maintain some control over the process. Your mom's already hurt things by how she phrased it.

Sorry you have to deal with this, Linkat.

oh, that blows




... rant on ...

I've been quiet here because of my own emotional flash points about this kind of situation, and not wanting my strong feelings to affect the path of your own developing considerations.

My mother, born in 1901, was from Boston, and lived her life firm in the conviction that children lived at home until they married. She was powerfully hurt when I left to get my own apartment. It wasn't until some time later that I understood from friends and relatives of my approximate age that some parents even want their children to be independent of the nest. I know Texas and an apartment are different changes, but some of the same control aspects enter into the matter.

Looking back now, these years later, I can see that much of her attitude was not really to screw up my life, but a large case of reminiscence of the joys of her own life within her large (to me) family back in the first few decades of the nineteen hundreds. While I understand it more now, I still fume at the kind of controlling behavior you are describing, Linkat. My feelings ride along with Noddy's comments.

I don't have any advice except to feel your way. Your parents' effort to control in this way will end up being a thorn in the relationship whether you move or whether you stay. You will probably be torn between being what they think and you partially think is a good daughter and what would be good for yourself, husband, and children.

Good luck, and sympathy.

I honestly don't know. I think I am in shock. I also am so emotionally confused and torn, I am afraid how I will respond - so I am just trying to think it through rather than react. I'm almost thought of writing a letter seeing they obviously don't want to talk to me. In any case, I think I'm going to write down how I feel so I can sort through logically.

I can see your point in some ways ossoburo. But it is still confusing to me as my mom's mom after her children grew up, divorced and moved out of state - probably as a result of abuse of her husband - I believe it was more emotional abuse, but I never was given any details - simply that my grandmother was scared of my grandfather. As a young child, my grandmom did eventually move back and actually lived with us until my grandmother got settled in her own place so it is a kind of complex relationship.

You are right, no matter what, this will be a thorn and I'm trying not to let it. I think that is why I am not pushing the issue with them and trying to think rationally.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Another thing - I do have a service I can use here at work - sort of a like an advice/stress/issue service where they have counselors that will talk with you either over the phone or in office. Think this is something helpful?

You're getting an awful lot of good advice here, Linkat, but someone independent and with no stake in the issue may very well provide a different take on things or suggest strategies for dealing with your parents. Sounds like it might be helpful.

My family has twice had to make job moves and each time was further away from our families. They weren't thrilled (especially my mother) but were always realistic about it being necessary. Financial independence is essential for any couple unless your parents are independently wealthy and able to keep you AND provide for your old age AND your children's future education costs. (That would be my reality check to them!)

Linkat, perhaps, if you feel you're able, you can try addressing it quietly next time you get ignored. I would just say how much you love them and how painful and hard to understand their treatment of you is. Just one sentence, quietly and calmly. I know you feel like yelling at them, but that would probably not deliver much. Ultimately, they have to start talking about it at some point. Seems like they need help to get unstuck.

I wouldn't yell at them - don't think I could. I think now I am so emotionally involved I need some space.

understood. one has to be ready. you have every right to be hurt and to deal with it and process it before you decide to solve the situation.

I still like Dag's earlier idea.

Tell them you're moving to a gay-tolerant nudist colony and that they're welcome to come visit at any time.

I agree with Tai Chi about the counseling. Could be really helpful, and real-time communication is almost always more productive IMO. (You can impart so much more info and cover so much more ground by having a spoken conversation than by typing something every 10 minutes or so...)

I completely understand what you're saying about wanting to process things more before formulating a plan of action.

are there nudist colonies that are not gay tolerant?

in any case, the parents know she's moving.

I don't know but I thought you might...

well, i would have no idea. i would never go any place that is not gay tolerant.

anyway, off the topic.

Really? How would you know?