Communicating difficult news to family

sozobe wrote:

Good planning re: the party, Linkat. I think you've prepared about as much as you can and now it's time to just take a deep breath and say, "Mom, about Texas..." (I swear that it's all you'll have to say before she bursts out with "Oh no you're moving!" Then just take it from there. You have good reasons, you're being extremely generous with your offers of flying them out and buying a place with extra rooms, it'll work out.)

Yep - you got it down - I just have to say Texas and that's it. I think it just helps talking about it.

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ehBeth wrote:

oops - got carried away in between two threads

I've been called worse things.

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By the way the duckies - oops I mean kiddies don't know yet. I figure we would wait until my parents are set - I can't possibly even say I will move until they are accepting. I have that Catholic guilt even though I no longer consider myself Catholic.

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That was the other thing I was wondering about... whole other subject I guess. Did they have fun in Texas?

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sozobe wrote:

That was the other thing I was wondering about... whole other subject I guess. Did they have fun in Texas?

They didn't come with us. Company only covered for you and a guest. However, company did give us $75/day for care of the kids - mom got a nice check for $300 for watching them.

After we agree to move, the company will pay for 2 more trips - again for you and a guest - but in that case we will pay for the girls to fly with us and visit the schools as well.

We did look online at the new homes we liked - they had a vitual tour of one of models. My girls were watching and screaming - I want that house! I want that room!

We just said we were looking at houses - not where and not any time soon.

We will also use the dog tactic - as we had planned on getting a dog when we bought a house.

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Soz has a good idea with, "About Texas..."

I'd make a point of how much you hate moving away from them and how much you're going miss them--emotionally and practically and then be prepared to listen to how much your mother is going to miss you, miss you, miss the kids, miss you.

Hold your dominion.

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All I can say is it did not go well. I expected the crying, but I did not expect to be ignored. I tried telling them about how often they could stay - they could avoid the horrible winters and stay all winter long if they want - we would pay, etc.

My dad sitting in the room not realizing what was going on (just typical - you could be talking to his face and it wouldn't register) - asked what was going on - I sat down next to him and told him. His response - Geez this is going to kill her (referring to my mom). I tried to explain our financial situation and coming to visit and the positives - no one would listen to it.

Today when I dropped my youngest off - I was basically ignored. So much for support.

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Oh yikes.

They need some time to process it, obviously. Stages of grief and all that.

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Awwwww, rats!

I just came across this thread. I'm sorry things did not go well.

Have you enlisted your other family members to help your parents get used to the idea of your leaving?

My family moved around so much that when I moved out here it wasn't any big deal. Mr. B's family was the opposite - every single one of them still lived in the same town they grew up in. It was my job that brought us out here so I got all the "blame" for taking him so far away.

Mr. B's big brother became a buffer for us and it really helped.

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If they ignore it, it won't happen.

Confused

~~~

Did you talk to your kids about what's going on?

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I moved back to Michigan in part to try to help my parents as they're getting (way) up there. It was a bad idea. They want help. They don't want help. Why don't I come see them? Why do I hate my job? Why isn't Michigan better than California? Gee son, why can't you drive four hours to see us on the weekend after you work 60 hour weeks? Nag, nag, nag, nag. To top it off neither of them can hear worth a **** and refuse to do anything about it. I cannot stand to be around them for more than about 10 minutes.

If I had the wherewithall I'd do just what you're doing - pack up and leave.

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Boomerang - my mom and dad were the first to know - we haven't even told the kids yet. One of my brothers has moved around a lot, but has settled back here, but he didn't have any kids. I'm not extremely close to my brothers, except for the one that has moved and I can't imagine he would say much - you know boys. My older brother is still living at home - living off them and my other brother has been going through relationship issues with his wife (they are back together again at least).

Not really sure who I could enlist to help out.

My husband's family is kind of like yours - and this move would bring us a bit closer to them - half way or so between the two families.

No ehBeth haven't talked to the kids yet. I know they will have mixed feelings. They will love the idea of the house, their own room and the dog (which we will get); the older one will miss her friends and school and they both will be upset about missing family - however, I know they will understand the visiting part - especially since they experienced visiting their other side of the family.

And yes - I believe that is why they are ignoring.

Cjhsa - thanks - that actually makes me feel better because in a small part I am angry. Aren't parents supposed to raise you and let you go? Aren't they supposed to want what is in your best interest even if it makes it more difficult for them? I am also jealous of all those others who decided to move and their parents fully supported them and stood behind their decision. In a small part, I feel they are being closed minded and selfish. I really thought this through and was trying to make it feasible to move and still be a big part of our lives by offering them to come visit as often as they wished on us.

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Linkat wrote:

No ehBeth haven't talked to the kids yet. I know they will have mixed feelings.

I'm a bit worried that the kids will pick up the negative feelings from your family before you get a chance to talk to them about this. Or that someone will say something to them, in hopes of having them on the 'hometown' team.

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ehBeth wrote:

Linkat wrote:
No ehBeth haven't talked to the kids yet. I know they will have mixed feelings.

I'm a bit worried that the kids will pick up the negative feelings from your family before you get a chance to talk to them about this. Or that someone will say something to them, in hopes of having them on the 'hometown' team.

I see what you're saying. I'm not too worried - I can't imagine my parents would do that. But in any case, my husband and I will discuss when we should talk to the kids.

Also, I haven't "accepted" at work yet. Even though the deadline was supposedly the end of last month - the move isn't going to occur until next summer. Technically I said "No" because at the time, I hadn't completed all my research on schools and other types of things in order to feel comfortable.

If I had said "yes" then changed my mind I would lose my severance. However, if I said "no" and then changed my mind - the only potential impact would be that some one else would take my job. Since no other person at my level even went to visit Texas or voiced interest, there was little risk. I did speak with my boss and my boss' boss about this so everyone is aware, I am interested, but was not in a position to say "yes" at that time.

I am wondering when I should say "yes."

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Yeah, that's an important thing to know. Can you just go to your superiors and say, "I'm very interested and am very close to a final decision but need to take care of a few things before I make it official. When do you need to get the final word from me?"?

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Oh and one more thing -- do your parents know that your kids don't know? It sounds like even if you mentioned it, it might not have sunk in given the state your mom was in. They might never do it purposely, but...

Also, I agree with ehBeth that even if nothing is said explicitly there may well be enough for the kids to figure out what's up (especially the older one). Grandma being sad and weepy and hugging her a lot -- whatever.

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sozobe wrote:

Yeah, that's an important thing to know. Can you just go to your superiors and say, "I'm very interested and am very close to a final decision but need to take care of a few things before I make it official. When do you need to get the final word from me?"?

I did have a conversation similar to what you stated and they didn't seem concerned that the job opportunity would go away for me.

Last Friday I attended a meeting for those in my job that plan on moving. I was invited as I had expressed my interest. There they explained the initial plannings - when the moves would take place, how they were going to hire, train, etc. As there is no one above me going, they are planning to hire a VP (two levels above me) before they move anyone. They are not going to recruit until the end of this year for that position, then they will begin to recruit for the lower positions - so I really have until end of year or later, however, I plan on telling them sooner.

I still need to feel good about it though.

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Linkat wrote:

ehBeth wrote:
I'm a bit worried that the kids will pick up the negative feelings from your family before you get a chance to talk to them about this.

I see what you're saying. I'm not too worried - I can't imagine my parents would do that.

Linkat wrote:

I expected the crying, but I did not expect to be ignored.

I think all bets are off in situations like this. People don't react the way we expect them to - or the way they themselves think they might. They also might not recognize the emotional messages they're sending out.

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I'm with eBeth.

We're not moving that far and we're not having to deal with family but even then Mo's heard things like: "I can't belive they're making you move." and "I can't believe their taking you away from us." and "Now I won't get to see you every day.", etc.

The people who say these things mean well -- they mean to show Mo how much they love him and will miss him -- but that's not what he's getting out of it.

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sozobe wrote:

Oh and one more thing -- do your parents know that your kids don't know? It sounds like even if you mentioned it, it might not have sunk in given the state your mom was in. They might never do it purposely, but...

Also, I agree with ehBeth that even if nothing is said explicitly there may well be enough for the kids to figure out what's up (especially the older one). Grandma being sad and weepy and hugging her a lot -- whatever.

That's the good thing about the older one being in camp, I guess. Although I do think we will talk with the kids sooner rather than later.

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Communicating difficult news to family

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