Communicating difficult news to family

It should be interesting. No one in the family has seen my SIL (except on a rare occassion by my mom when she dropped her daughter off) since she had been cheating on my brother.

But they are back together now and trying to work it out. Hopefully they are doing well. Worst case - I get to see my nieces!

She will be a good distraction from your evil deeds, and perhaps they will even seem a bit less evil to your parents when faced with the eviler SIL

Distraction indeed!

My parents showed up to see my daughter's soccer game on Friday. I took a half day so I could go too. My mom chit chatted for a bit and stuff, but nothing deep in conversation. I brought my kids over to snack area to buy them some chips - when we were walking back, my mom said they were leaving a bit early - then the bomb fell....

As they were walking away my mom said - your brother is moving to Canada - his wife wants to move back home. My mouth dropped open...I began to say something and she began to wail and say "What did I do to deserve this...." and they walked off.

I was shocked. My brother's wife has a daughter from a previous marriage whose father is very involved in her life. I would never think they would move because of this. I kept wondering how the heck they could either leave her behind or take her from her father...still not sure as no one has filled me in. I also worry about the youngest and my brother - what if she decides to split from him while they are living in Canada? What would happen then?

At the birthday party (party for my niece who is the younger daughter of the couple above), parents and stuff seemed normal and we again made some small talk - didn't really have the opportunity to talk to my brother although I don't talk with him much any how - especially after all the affair stuff - SIL barely said two words to me even after I went up to at least say thank you and bye.

This is definately a Lifetime movie.

Linkat--

Wow.

At least your mother didn't hold you responsible for your s-i-l's decision to get the hell out of Dodge.

Your mother has been double-whammied. Fasten your seat belt.

Yeah and my daughter's birthday party is this weekend.

My mother has been surprisingly nice to me. I accidently dialed her number from my cell phone - meant to call home, but hit mom home. When she answered I told he my mistake and she said oh that's all right honey.

Linkat--

In spite of her self-focus, she does love you.

She's probably less fond of her cheating d-i-l (and the possibility that she'll be "losing" those grandchildren to the frozen north).

Could she and your brother have agreed to move to Canada to remove her from the temptation to stray?

It could be - not really sure. Personally as long it is best for all them especially the kids, I'm happy for them. I just hope she isn't trying to "force" my brother to move. I don't know her well enough to honestly to give an opinion.

My brother is one of those big sweet type guys that I would be afraid could be taken advantage of. However, I cannot imagine that he would not fight no matter what to keep his little girl - he is so close to her that it is almost not good for her (spoiling and letting her get away with a bit too much). She certainly has daddy wrapped around her finger.

My husband when he heard was so concerned - he thought my parents may think he was the one dragging me or convincing me to move. Ha! I may be easy going about most things, but if I feel strongely no one can move me! He was thinking of getting them a card and letting them know how important they are to him, etc.

Linkat--

I think a gesture from your husband might mean a lot to your parents right now. Give him a hug from me.

Thanks for the thoughts - my husband can be thoughtful.

I finally felt like writing a bit more about this - if anyone would like to hear (or at least allow me to vent a bit). Through other threads people here probably have a picture that overall we are having a tough few months. Fortunately though, I feel we have a strong enough family that we will pull through and be stronger for it.

In addition to all the other stuff in the past month, my husband's grandmother passed away. She was living in California - across the country from us and didn't want a service or anything so there was no reason (and under the circumstances would be very difficult for us to pay to fly across country) to go there. They plan on having her ashes scattered in Montana near the family cabin next summer (of course during the time we are supposed to move - isn't all this timing horrible). Also, immediately after this, his only remaining grandfather seems to very ill (not the husband of the grandmother who passed away).

After all this, my husband did go talk with my parents. He told them how he felt about them - that he always cared for them and still did and would hope the relationship would continue - that the last thing he and both us would want to do is to hurt them, etc. My father said that he knew this would happen that we would move away (I guess because my husband is originally from Montana). My dad said, he didn't want to take care of my children originally because he was afraid that he would get close then we would move away. - Which I think is very sad - I am of the opinion isn't it better to have had the opportunity to be around them when they were young than to never be close to them? That comment made me a bit angry and sad at the same time.

My dad said that I asked them to take care of the baby when I was pregnant - not true - my mom offered to care for the baby so I could continue working and not have to leave the baby in her words with a stranger so we agreed that we would move closer to them. He also said I got angry when we were looking at homes to buy that were closer them when they said a particular home we were interested in was too far for them to watch the baby. Partly true. I grew angry because we were thinking of putting in an offer and I found out from one of my friends (I grew up with her so my parents know her well) that my mom thought it would be too far for them to care for the baby. I grew angry, one I admit the hormones did make me more unreasonable, but also because if we had bought the house, found out from them after the fact that they wouldn't come watch because of distance and then not be able to afford a bigger mortgage and child care - more that they didn't tell us this little fact and I luckily found out from through my friend of the distance being an issue (it was about 10 miles). My dad didn't believe my husband - my dad seems to get these stories and things wrong in his head and believes them as truth - fortunately my mom agreed that what my husband said was indeed true.

My husband again gave them the facts of why the move, etc. and they seemed a bit accepting (although my dad has something in his head about that I should have had a contract with work - my dad worked union before and has no concept of non-union jobs and thinks I could negotiate a contract), but not happy. They pretty much said that this still would not make them happy and they will not change their minds in a sense - which of course we realize.

Now the holidays - in the past we usually would have Thanksgiving at my house or my brothers and then alternate with Christmas. Last year with my brother's martial problems with had both holidays at our house. Now that they are reconciled, I decided I would offer up which ever one he would prefer. So I asked my mom. She said that my grandmom (now in a nursing home) did not want to travel to either of our houses - we each live about 20 minute drive. So my mom said she is having my grandmother over her house - she did not offer for anyone to come over. She then said my brother and his family are going to Disney for Christmas. I said well I will offer up having Thanksgiving at my house and if anyone wants to come they can come on over - she thought my other brother and my aunt may like that.

Really not sure how to take all that - but under my current circumstances, I am not going to worry about anyone else - if they want to come the doors are open.

You're a very generous woman, Linkat.

Is 'other brother' the one who'd travelled for work. The way you write about him, he sounds like quite a decent fellow - might be nice for your family to have him over at Thanksgiving - make it a bit of a mellow event - which you deserve.

Yes he is - we always include him on family things.

This morning my dad came by to pick up my younger daughter to go over their house. She doesn't have school on Tuesdays and Thursdays so she typically goes over their house on those days. When he came in he started talking with my older daughter. Talking may not be exactly it - he was laying a major guilt trip on her. He said remember that promise you made me? You didn't keep your promise and your grandmother cried all the way on the ride home. I could see my daughter's face fall and that she felt really bad. He kept after her about it.

At first I didn't say anything because I did not know what the promise was about. But after he kept after her, I really wanted to scream at him - what the h*ll are you doing? She is only 9, telling her she is the cause of her grandmother crying, what is wrong with you! Instead I belted him in the face. No, not really - I actually took a deep breath and asked my dad what was this promise. Basically she promised my dad that the next time she would see my mom that she would give her a hug. So I guess the last couple of times my mom dropped my younger daughter off, the 9 year old did not run up to her and give her a hug. I told my dad I will talk with her.

When I walked my dad out, he kept on about it to me. I told him she is just being a typical 9 years old. She probably is busy playing and doesn't want to be interrupted. I'll talk with her and my hubby (seeing I am not usually there when this occurs) to make sure my daughter does say hi and hugs her. She doesn't mean anything by it she is just being a kid.

What the f*ck? Is this a bit much to lay this sort of guilt trip on a little kid? No wonder I got a call from the school today saying she had an upset stomach - getting her all worked up about this.

<grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr>

That sucks.

That does seem a bit overdone, linkat. Tell your dad to chill out.

Gus are you o-k?

I don't think I ever heard a "normal" response from you on anything.

I guess I am a little down. Sorry.

I'll come back and comment later when the steam coming out of my ears lessens....

Ok so at least I didn't over react to my dad's over reaction.

Does that make sense?

Gus, I'm sorry you are feeling bad.