Communicating difficult news to family

There are no words that describe what I would like to say.... but, never mind... none of that would be helpful and your head is probably full of unspeakable words as it is.

Calling your parents -- only you can assess the true tone as they stomped off. I wouldn't call them, at least not for awhile.

Telling the kids -- how about, "As you know, Gramma and Grandpa are upset about our move to Texas. We've told them that we are really going to make the move. Maybe they thought we would change our minds, but we are really moving. They've decided they need some time to themselves to adjust to this news so you'll be going to _________ beginning _________ and then .... "

I would make sure you have the ducks all lined up so you can give them details on who will be watching them before you tell them.

0 Replies

Geeze Louise,
I cannot believe your father was mocking you to your face. That is really really low and, well, just sad. I hope he knows how wrong that was (he must, right? no?)
What soz said sounds sensible, i think if you're able to set clear rules with them it might be worth a shot...at least you'll have tried.
Ack. So sorry that you have to be going through this.

0 Replies

It's like a sitcom - but not funny at all.

0 Replies

sozobe wrote:

Geez!

At least they're talking about it. ("I don't want to be reasonable..." argh!!)

This will probably be a long process -- I can't tell yet if there will be a decent resolution to it or not. What is your brother's relationship with them like, now?

Your preschooler is still fine with being watched by your parents for now, right? It's your older daughter who had mixed feelings? I'm thinking that as long as she's OK with it, to keep the current situation, for a few reasons. One is leverage with your parents. You're entirely within your rights to say, "Look, I want you guys to be able to spend time with [younger daughter] before we move. She enjoys it, you enjoy it, it's a great situation. However, I expect you to be responsible -- that means not making a difficult situation [moving] more difficult than it needs to be. I will make alternate childcare arrangements if you are unable to do that."

That's not quite right, but something along those lines.

I think that you guys are more likely to keep talking and move towards a resolution if you keep the current childcare situation. I do think there need to be limits, though -- how they act with your child, and how they act with you.

Continuing sympathy -- your parents are a couple of pieces of work!!

Actually I think what you suggested to say is perfect.

I am not sure quite honestly though how they will react to it. Last night it appeared as if they wanted no contact with any of us, however, perhaps over the night they might have re-thought the process.

My brother has an excellent relationship with them (actually it isn't the brother with the maritial issues) - he is single. He lives the closest to us and he was always the brother I have been closest to over the years. Just simply we don't talk alot as we are both doing our own things.

I have no issues with either of my other brothers simply that we are not close - we are different types of people.

I did call my brother last night as he is watching the girls on Friday night for us. They love him and can't wait. I told him the story. He was speechless - he said I don't know what to say. He said he would try to help in any way, but really didn't know how. I told him the same thing - I don't know how either - I also don't want to put him in the middle where he would have to "choose".

0 Replies

JPB wrote:

There are no words that describe what I would like to say.... but, never mind... none of that would be helpful and your head is probably full of unspeakable words as it is.

Calling your parents -- only you can assess the true tone as they stomped off. I wouldn't call them, at least not for awhile.

Telling the kids -- how about, "As you know, Gramma and Grandpa are upset about our move to Texas. We've told them that we are really going to make the move. Maybe they thought we would change our minds, but we are really moving. They've decided they need some time to themselves to adjust to this news so you'll be going to _________ beginning _________ and then .... "

I would make sure you have the ducks all lined up so you can give them details on who will be watching them before you tell them.

Good stuff - I will call my parents today - they will probably let the phone go to voice mail and quote from sozobe.

Then depending on the results, I will quote from you (if that's all right). I almost don't trust my own words at this time. The thing is my daughters are expecting to go to their grandparents house tomorrow so I would rather resolve this (at least the child care stuff).

0 Replies

That's good of you. You seem way more mature than your parents, in fact.

Is this the brother who has been through this sort of thing with your parents before, while it's a new experience for you? If so, I'm more optimistic that this will eventually be resolved.

JPB's post made me realize that you might be asking two different things -- 1.) What to do with both girls until school starts, and 2.) what to do with the preschooler once school starts. I really only answered #2. Will school be starting soon?

0 Replies

dagmaraka wrote:

Geeze Louise,
I cannot believe your father was mocking you to your face. That is really really low and, well, just sad. I hope he knows how wrong that was (he must, right? no?)
What soz said sounds sensible, i think if you're able to set clear rules with them it might be worth a shot...at least you'll have tried.
Ack. So sorry that you have to be going through this.

Thank you - yes it was horrible to experience.

They seem to be fixated on the house - you are moving to buy a house - did you already put money down on a house - why don't you rent instead - and then the ending statement was I know you show the house and you were sold.

Yes - we want a house - don't most families want a house? My answer to them when they kept saying and believing that all we wanted was a big house was - I think it is really sad that you don't know me enough to realize I would not move across country for a house (honestly we would be living in northern CA if that were the case).

0 Replies

littlek wrote:

It's like a sitcom - but not funny at all.

Exactly - I told my husband this is surreal - like it can't possibly be real! Can you think of a sitcom this situation would work? Maybe I can sell the story - you know how money hungry I am!

0 Replies

sozobe wrote:

That's good of you. You seem way more mature than your parents, in fact.

Is this the brother who has been through this sort of thing with your parents before, while it's a new experience for you? If so, I'm more optimistic that this will eventually be resolved.

JPB's post made me realize that you might be asking two different things -- 1.) What to do with both girls until school starts, and 2.) what to do with the preschooler once school starts. I really only answered #2. Will school be starting soon?

School starts next week - I think it would be a both sort of thing. Although I have requested backup for next week. I should here back from them in a few hours - maybe I will wait until then. The good thing is Monday is a holiday, I have Friday off as there is a pre-k event so there is only Tue and Wed for both and then Thurs for one of them.

0 Replies

Oh - also my brother may have been through something similar - he has spent months away doing traveling nurse. I'm not totally sure how hard them came down on him as he is single and it was not permanent in a sense as these were all temporary moves for 6 months or less.

But he did mention to me he felt guilty about the traveling nurse thing.

0 Replies

How the hell did these people raise decent responsible kids?

You don't want my input on this. Just know I'm reading along and cheering for you. I'm thinking the move will be the best thing for you're kids. I know they love grandma and grandpa, but they really don't need to learn the guilt trip thing. You'll be breaking that chain for their benefit.

(heading outside to scream now)

0 Replies

squinney wrote:

How the hell did these people raise decent responsible kids?

You don't want my input on this. Just know I'm reading along and cheering for you. I'm thinking the move will be the best thing for you're kids. I know they love grandma and grandpa, but they really don't need to learn the guilt trip thing. You'll be breaking that chain for their benefit.

(heading outside to scream now)

Thanks. The thing is they seemed so normal. I am shocked by this as in the past I have always been proud of them. I remember how open minded they seemed to be compared to other parents. They were strict in certain ways - ways I think help me become a responsible person, but they seemed open minded about many issues that you would think their generation is a bit more closed minded. Don't mistake though - my dad would say some pretty bigoted things at times.

I think my husband nailed it when he said, but you have always been responsible and thoughtful and caring - they never had a reason to come down on you. He said I was about the most perfect daughter one could hope to have. And this is the first time that something major conflicted with them.

0 Replies

What an emotional roller coaster you must have been through, Linkat.
As if moving to another state, starting a new job, getting into a new neighborhood and new school for the kids, isn't enough to stress you out,
you also have to deal with the utter immaturity of your parents. This
alone should be an oxymoron, but it isn't.

I have no advice, as I have never experienced such a situation, and I
cannot comprehend how parents could act this way, however, I would
be more than reluctant to send my kids there. Your parents irrational
behavior would worry me. People under duress are capable of many
things they otherwise would never consider.

0 Replies

To continue venting .

A couple of interesting tidbitsmy mom said something along the lines - well what am I supposed to do? I'm not interested in golfing, blah blah blah - continuous normal types of hobbies. I like taking care of my grandkids and being around family - that is my interest. I now that kids grow up and that they will go to school and have other interests - when that happens I'll get a job

Me: well little one is starting school next week.

Mom: no response (I guess that when the I don't want to talk reasonably came out)

I also found it strange what seemed to irk them in the "letter". I pretty much wrote what some one suggested I say. One thing I added in the beginning was that it was unhealthy to have such a dependency on my children (not about being so close to them) for the children and for you.

First they said I stated that they are not close and then blah blah.I said I never said you were not close - I said that you were close - they misread or I miswrote something. Then they claimed I said that they weren't normal or ill at first. I said what - I never said that and then they read it. Oh - you said unhealthy. I said yes and it is unhealthy to be so dependent on any one. This was in response to them saying that each morning they get up for them and nothing else.

Those are the only items they brought out about the letter - and believe me the middle is what I thought would be where you would normally take offense. I pretty much said how I had hoped they would love us enough to want us to be happy, to pursue our goals and to not hold us back and I also explained how disheartened I was especially under the circumstance that all other individuals in a similar situation had the full support of their parents and how much they understood. Also, how some parents went with their sons/daughters and agreed it would be a good opportunity for them - also zinged them about how one set of grandparents are moving along with them.

They didn't seem to care about that - only that I called them unhealthy.

0 Replies

your parents are each individually manipulative and self-centered. unfortunately for you, they also enable each other and strengthen each other's manipulative behaviors. voice of reason does not penetrate into their world, because their is always the spouse whose version is more convenient. they seem to live in a bubble they created for themselves.
no idea if that would help, but can you talk to them separately?

0 Replies

dagmaraka wrote:

your parents are each individually manipulative and self-centered. unfortunately for you, they also enable each other and strengthen each other's manipulative behaviors. voice of reason does not penetrate into their world, because their is always the spouse whose version is more convenient. they seem to live in a bubble they created for themselves.
no idea if that would help, but can you talk to them separately?

To be honest I don't think I have the heart to.

I have a choice between some one that admits outright that they do not want to be reasonable or to speak with some one when they have nothing of substance to add to mock you in a childish manner.

0 Replies

Ack. i wouldn't want to either. you know, i always try to empathize - imagine why people feel what they feel. but i just can't figure out what are they thinking. obviously they feel they are right and are being wronged... but i can't imagine how they justify this and believe it in their heads.... granted, i don't know them at all...but usually it's at least possible to imagine some scenario. i got nothing.

0 Replies

How bizarre.

I have encountered folks (lots of folks) that have trouble saying "goodbye." They end up being really ugly in order to create some emotional distance before the actual leave-taking.

OMC wrote:

Brother Pele's in the back
Sweet Zina's in the front
Cruising down the freeway
In the hot, hot sun

Suddenly red blue lights
Flash us from behind
Loud voice booming
"Please step out onto the line"

Pele breathes words of comfort
Zina just hides her eyes
Policeman taps his shades
Is that a Chevy 69?

How bizarre
How bizarre
How bizarre

Destination unknown
As we pull in for some gas
Freshly pasted poster
Reveals a smile from the pack

Elephants and acrobats,
Lions snakes monkey
Pele speaks righteous
Sister Zina says funky

How bizarre
How bizarre
How bizarre

Ooh baby, (ooh baby)
It's making me crazy, (it's making me crazy)
Everytime I look around
Look around
Everytime I look around
Everytime I look around
Everytime I look around
It's in my face

Ringmaster step out
Says the elephants left town
People jump and jive
But the clowns have stuck around

T.V. news and camera
There's choppers in the sky
Marines, police, reporters
Ask where, for and why

Pele yells "we're outta here"
Zina says "right on"
We're making moves and starting grooves
Before they knew we're gone

Jumped into the Chevy
Headed for big lights,
Want to know the rest
Hey, buy the rights,

How bizarre
How bizarre
How bizarre

Ooh baby, (ooh baby)
It's making me crazy, (it's making me crazy)
Everytime I look around
Look around
Everytime I look around
Everytime I look around
Everytime I look around
It's in my face
It's in my face

0 Replies

Well they feel we are simply moving because we saw a house we wanted to buy.

0 Replies

I'm imagining something like:

We've done nothing but help, and provide free childcare, and now we are disrespected in this way. Nobody asked our permission, nobody asked what we thought, we were just told that this is going to happen. We know that people these days don't think it's important for grandparents and children and grandchildren to all live nearby each other, but we're old-fashioned. We think it's important. We think it's more important than having a nice house or being able to spend less time in the car -- some things are worth sacrificing for. We feel like we've been used up and discarded.

(NOTE: I don't think they're justified in that way of thinking. And I think a lot of it, if that's what they're thinking, is incomplete and self-delusional. But I could imagine that's what they're thinking, or something like it.)

0 Replies

Communicating difficult news to family

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know