Communicating difficult news to family

I copied and pasted your speach Boomer - Thanks.

I really don't know what to do now. My husband says I have to write back, but now I simply can't because I don't want to be defensive and I don't want to be emotional.

One thing dad said over and over in his letter was "love" and he made it clear that I did not say that once in my letter - I honestly don't remember - I know at the beginning I talked about how much we care and appreciate everything they did, etc. But besides that I tried to keep it factual and not have emotion come into play - I was trying to avoid the type of reaction they had. Do you know my dad has never said he loved me before? This is the first time I had even heard him mention the word.

When I first saw this post, my first thought was, and I don't mean to be unsympathetic, but your folks just look like they're in love with martyr status and the only card they know how to play seems to be the one of victim.

The picture that they are painting for themselves seems to be that Texas = Alpha Centauri. And they are presenting it to you (or something like it; I'm deliberately exaggerrating) as reality. And it's really screwing with their world, not only that your leaving is turning them all upside down but also because you ain't buying their world view. And that is also causing the cosmic freakout.

What if the tables were turned? What if they had to, I dunno, move for health reasons? Would they have stayed and suffered mightily (thereby, I suppose, picking up suffering points -- what do you get to trade those for, I wonder), perhaps endangering their health or life span because being with your kids is the be-all and end-all? Or would they, like everyone else on the planet, go and just try to call, write and visit or have you over as time and schedules permitted?

As was said to a poster obsessing over her boyfriend, your folks need to get a hobby. They need several. What would have happened if you'd stayed, and your youngest went off to school? What would they have done? Pushed you to have another child? Pressured you to adopt? Tried to get your youngest home schooled? Ludicrous. When that happened, they'd've also been going through a cosmic freakout because, it seems, they have few inner resources.

Whatever happened to things like, let's see -

traveling? (yes, I see they don't do that much; now's an opportunity for them to start) gardening? a book club? cooking classes? learning more about computers? photography? wine tasting? learning a foreign language? getting a pet? getting involved in local politics? visiting shut-ins? volunteering for a charity to help the less fortunate (they seem to have forgotten that there are, I dunno, at least three people in the world who are less fortunate than they are)? etc?

There are a lot of options available to them. Not just in terms of what to do but in terms of how to feel about all of this. They are choosing a martyred, toxic option. And it's looking like they can't even see the other options. And that's really unfortunate. But I think the cosmic freakout was going to come anyway, and basically all this is doing is (a) making it happen sooner rather than later and (b) giving it a focus for their anger and hurt. It's a lot easier blaming you than it is blaming Father Time for making your kids grow up. It's empty nest syndrome all over again, or perhaps this is the first time it's happening to them, but it's at an extreme.

Boomer's idea is a good one. Essentially, it pushes back in a way that they may be able to relate to, e. g. you are seen as the child, you act like the child (a little bit) and they (supposedly) patiently explain it all to you. Being treated as a flightly, irresponsible child when you're in your 40s is maddening. I know because I have experienced it. One thing that has given me some success is reminding the person attempting to put me in that place of the place they were in at that stage of their life. E. g. if your folks lived on their own, or had full autonomy over their kids or whatever when they were about your age (or, better yet, younger), you can try reminding them of that.

I guess I don't have a lot to offer; I'm just sorry this is happening. Always here to lend an ear.

I am sorry this is panning out in a way that is not a surprise to me - I recognize the 'martyr' scenario. I can envision the Boomer letter outline as hard to follow, in that finding examples of some of her points may be not all that easy - the teaching to make good decisions, follow your heart part. Did they teach you that? I bet you did some self learning. But I agree with the general pattern of the letter.

As we all know, smothering love isn't love, but lecturing them on that doesn't seem useful.

I am hoping very much that you stick to your guns, or hold your dominion, and that in time, Texas will not be Mars for them.

I think the boomer method would work best face-to-face as opposed to letter form.

Do you think you guys are ready for that yet, Linkat?

Sorry to say this, but your parents sound extremely selfish. All they've written is about them and how they're being affected. They're not being parents at all. They're being martyrs. I don't believe in guilt or guilt trips.

You are right, you DO have a right to live your life, and these are YOUR children and this is YOUR decision.

They will learn to deal with it or not, but that's their problem, not yours. Of course, I understand these are your parents and you still want a relationship, but their obsession is very unhealthy and I really don't have any solutions for you other than to do what you want to do. You can't live your life according to other people's wishes. You are also right when you said they had their children and lived their life - now it's your turn. They maybe should be told that.

I cannot even imagine what you are going through, so I am not much help, but I certainly sympathize and hope you get this sorted.

Q: When you moved out of their home, did they kick up a fuss?

Linkat, if your parents love your children as much as they say they do, they will come around eventually, although you will suffer through stressful times until that happens. My brother was born before Christmas and he and my mom came home from the hospital Christmas eve. Mid-morning Christmas day my grandmother (mom's mom) called to ask where the heck we were. As my mom patiently explained, "Mother, we discussed this. With a brand new baby and all the other company you're having, we decided a quiet Christmas at home was in order," her mother hung up and didn't speak to her for 2 months. Over the years she often pulled the silence trick (once for 6 months) when my mother disagreed with her. I'm not sure she realized that my mom did not always consider this treatment a punishment I remember how horrible these power struggles could be and my heart goes out to you. As Noddy says -- Hold your dominion. Your parents need to recognize that you are a grownup.

I will venture to say it is especially weird to understand anew as a grown up that in many cases You are just as grown up as the parents, or more so. Now I know most of us think this as teens, some of us more than others, and sometimes we were right and sometimes wrong -- and also think so at least sometimes in our twenties. But to get further along and realize so fully the foibles of the parents, the rocky foundation they often have, is part of our continuing painful maturation.

This, plus things are rarely as black and white as the worst views, in that, say, here, with Linkat's parents, though virtually all of us come up with words like selfish or martyr, and I go so far as to question understanding of love.... I don't say there isn't love there.

As my business partner used to say, okay, okay, this has been a lesson. Can I stop with the lessons? (this at 60).

Love gets a little rounder (or some word) with a lifetime understanding of foibles, manipulations, and so on.

[quote="Linkat"]Do you know my dad has never said he loved me before? This is the first time I had even heard him mention the word.[/quote]

I don't remember ever hearing it from my dad until I was about 25, living in England and we had been past a nearly two-year period of not speaking with each other...

I also got a very emotional letter before that period, basically because I decided to stay in England and not return to Germany to study.
Before that it was always assumed that I'd make my own way (of course up to that point whatever I did always suited him!)

Pity that some parents only realise what they had after they have lost it...

Jespah - thanks. My youngest is actually starting Pre-School this year. She will be in school 3 days a week full time. One of the comments my mom made was the fact she didn't know what she will do when my daughter goes to school. This worries me - not just about my parents, but for my children. As they get older, they are not going to want to go to grandparents' house during their vacations - they are going to want to do things with their friends. I don't want my parents to put guilt trips on them because my children will want to do what is normal and natural for them. I think I will point that out to them. The fact that whether we were to move or not, they need to get other interests as both my children are going to be in school.

I was thinking of giving them suggestions on items - especially volunteering. I know when I had more free time, I volunteered and really enjoyed it. One other thing I would like to point out to them - when my grandmother was healthy - she pretty much did her own thing. Yes, she would visit with family, but for the most part she was independent of her children and grandchildren and she did not have a husband for many, many years.

Ossobuco - I agree with the lecturing part. I also decided not to defend my position in a sense as I have no reason to defend it and also it would just make the situation continue - as they would continue to defend their position.

I do have to say that all this "pushing" and guilt trip has made me feel less confident of the move - I had begun to question could this be a mistake? Then I realized if I don't move, I will always have that regret and if I do move and don't like it - I do have the option of moving back. To me it is better to try something out and see it isn't right than to regret never having tried it.

I agree that face to face would be best, sozobe, but I honestly don't think this will be an option. This morning when I dropped my youngest off, I attempted to talk a bit. My older girl was going to camp today and wanted to stay in the car while the youngest went into the house. My older girl asked me to tell grammy to wave out the window to her. So I told my mom, that my daughter wants to stay in the car, but she would really like to wave hi to her. I got no response whatsoever. I looked her in the face when I told her too - expecting some sort of word. Nothing.

Mame that is exactly how I feel - my dad at least said that he would like to help and think of ways that I could have more time with the kids, and for the first time mentioned he loved me. But besides that there was no words of compassion about me.

When I was going to start college, I was determined to move and live at college. I am very independent and wanted that independence. So when I applied, I applied to all colleges (except one) where I would need to live. I ended up choosing the one that was close enough to come home on weekends, but far enough that I couldn't commute. They were not happy at first, but realized this is good. They did not make a fuss when I moved out on my own, however, I always lived within an hour's drive of them.

Well, this is a marvellous opportunity for them to grow, and you too, to shuck off that obligation feeling. Their martrydom is a form of control, perhaps. Not fair.

They will, in time, get used to it and start doing other things. It's not really your problem to solve...they are adults, after all. They'll sit and b*tch for a bit but after a while they'll get a move on.

Just remember that they have their own lives to live, as do you, and it's not fair that everyone is expected to live their way... It's not a big deal, after all... it's not like you were moving to Zimbabwe or Iran.

Keep us posted and hang in there.

Yeah, I'm not sure about making recommendations about what they could do instead of focusing on you and your kids. I agree with what Mame says -- it's not your problem, and shouldn't be, so avoid making it so. I can't see that they'd take the recommendations well, either -- they'd probably see it as patronizing at best. ("You think we can't take care of ourselves?")

If they won't talk to you, though (geez!), I guess your only recourse is another letter. I think boomer's thoughts can still be a good outline, just without the call-and-response aspect.

Oh and how are your kids doing? All of this tension must be affecting them, too. I think that's something else you can emphasize, though in a sandwichy way -- say nice things before and after. That this drama is making a difficult situation more difficult for your kids.

Thanks - I'll keep out the recommendations - perhaps coming from my brother any way will be better.

The kids in general seem fine. They don't seem affected by it. We simply explain the situation and I tell them to please talk with me if anything bothers them or such. My younger daughter especially doesn't seem to affect her.

My older will point out the odd behavior of my parents. She says stuff like grampy hugs me and says he loves me and seems like he's going to cry. He never says he loves me. Or she'll talk about the stuff they have been buying her lately and seems confused by it. I just tell her that they are sad we are moving and will miss you alot. She then will say, but we're not even moving for a year. She seems more baffled by their reaction than upset.

We then explain that grammy and grampy can visit us as often as they want when we move.

So you all think I should write another note? I haven't actually approached them on the issue in words, but have tried to reach out in basic conversation and receive little more than a grunt or nothing at all.

No, personally, I don't think you should write another note. They're adult and they got your message the first time. I think another note would be pandering to them. Let them deal with it; you've got plenty of other things to get on with in your own life. Seriously, I think another attempt would seem as if you are in the wrong and you're not. Too much explanation is just as bad as not enough.

JMO.

The purpose of a guilt trip is to undermine the will of the other in order to get what one wants. Sounds like they may be succeeding a bit. It's unfortunate that they can't be excited for you in a time that should be exciting. It's doubly unfortunate that if they can't be excited for you then they at least try to keep their disappointments to themselves. What's downright cruel is the way they are making you feel guilty for being an adult.

Linkat, you have a great opportunity ahead of you. Go into it with your head up, your motives clear, and your confidence intact. You have no reason to feel guilty. I repeat, You Have No Reason To Feel Guilty!

I'll repeat that one too: You Have No Reason To Feel Guilty!

Mame, I agree about explaining. I think what we're talking about now is trying to goose the resolution phase, though. Not "I have good reasons" so much as "this silent treatment business is unacceptable, let's move on" (if not in so many words).

If the kids remain mostly unaffected, I guess just wait 'em out for a while longer. And vent here a lot.

If the kids are affected, then I think it's time to press the issue.

Personally, my instincts would be to leave the kids with their dad, show up at your parents' house, and say you're not leaving until some things have been hammered out. This would include getting right in their faces and doing some yelling if the silent treatment continues. That's also not advice, though. (I have parents who tend towards guilt trips and martyr complexes so this definitely all hits a nerve with me, in addition to being generally sympathetic.)

I wasn't planning on writing an explanation or defending my position - more like how boomerang suggested, but in letter form.

I also will probably talk with my brother tonight (if he is home). I want to see how my grandmother is settled and everything as well. Maybe I can get a vibe from him.

I am afraid if I try to talk, they will simply walk away from me or mom will start crying and run out of the room. That is pretty much what she did when I told her to begin with and when I first told my dad and I tried to explain things to him, he simply ignored me.

At least I feel they read the letter, if not understand or tried to understand me - at least they read it.

You might suggest to that that if they're not willing to talk to you then maybe they shouldn't be watching your kids.

Grown-ups are civil, even when they're mad or hurt.

I might mention that we've taken that particular approach on a couple of occasions, with mixed results.

Our boundary is that you must have a relationship with us (both of us) before you can have a relationship with our kids. My wife's mother adapted, my mother did not.

Thanks for the clarification on the purpose of the letter.

I like going over there and hammering out - whoever suggested that - it's so good. It's making them deal with the whole thing and not letting them off the hook. However, it's your family and you know the dynamics best.

I'm with the others, though, about the guilt trip being played and the purpose. Just tell them gently that it's not working

Tough situation all 'round.