Communicating difficult news to family

...and not just trips to have you visit, you're willing to consider buying a house that has a whole area for them!

They really oughtta show some gratitude there and come off their martyr thrones.

It's a process, I know, and they're moving... if extremely ungracefully...

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Linkat wrote:

She then went on to talk about how their lives revolve around my daughters and how she didn't know what she would do when my youngest goes to school this year. "It gave me a reason to get in the morningThe holidays will be unbearable" Then she went on about all the other bad things that happenedmy grandmother, my brother's marital issues and now me and ends with "please don't go away."

...

He went on to say how he hurts more now than when his father or mother passed away, more pain than being in the hospital when morphine wouldn't stop the pain.

I think the 'reason to get up in the morning' nails it, Linkat. They've established a daily routine around their grandchildren and are blaming you for pulling that routine apart. She's already acknowledged that your kids are growing and that her time with them will be lessened in the fall when your youngest begins school. Your kids will continue to grow and separate from them and from you. She can't keep them or you babies forever. It's hard for her to imagine a day without them, but it's a reality she would have faced regardless.

As to the guilt-trips (your dad's is over the top) being levied, all I can say is shame on them. I'm surprised they haven't asked a priest to talk to you about your moral obligations to your parents. They may yet...

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Linkat, I know you can't say this to your parents in these words, but for crying out loud, they need something more than their grandchildren in their lives. I mean, it's wonderful that they love them so much, but the fixation is unhealthy. I don't think you can talk to them about it, but maybe your brother can. There are so many things to do! And so many reasons to get up in the morning. Their response is very selfish and they seem to be reinforce that in each other, looking for the worst in the situation. BUT, at least they started to talk a bit. Maybe next time you'll even be able to speak with them in person.. That's good.

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sozobe wrote:

Oh geez!

I'm sympathetic to them, truly, but GEEZ.

The fact that they just gloss over the trip part (yes, you can afford it) really makes me think they prefer to wallow on some level. Fits with what your brother says about how they usually handle conflict.

Ooooh, that would make me so mad!! You're a better person than I am though.

My first reaction would be "fine, so I won't pay for trips to have you visit" and then leave it to them to try to make it up to you. That's not advice though, that wouldn't actually help anything.

I'm glad they responded at all, that's something, right? Now you can build from there.

But geez! So dramatic, so immature...!

I read my mom's first as I was stopped at a red light - talk about stupid and dangerous. Any how - that was my initial reaction - anger and I called my husband immediately. I didn't ready my dad's until I reached the garage at work. At least I felt his had some feelings and thoughts towards us. I didn't want to say my feelings until I started to hear some one else's thoughts.

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JPB wrote:

I think the 'reason to get up in the morning' nails it, Linkat. They've established a daily routine around their grandchildren and are blaming you for pulling that routine apart. She's already acknowledged that your kids are growing and that her time with them will be lessened in the fall when your youngest begins school. Your kids will continue to grow and separate from them and from you. She can't keep them or you babies forever. It's hard for her to imagine a day without them, but it's a reality she would have faced regardless.

As to the guilt-trips (your dad's is over the top) being levied, all I can say is shame on them. I'm surprised they haven't asked a priest to talk to you about your moral obligations to your parents. They may yet...

But they're my children! They had children and got to spend time raising them. No its my turn. Part of reason I wanted this move was to have more time with my children. I sometimes have a 2 hour commute one way - I have to drive from work to pick them up at my parents house and then turn around head home - I will get home close to 7:00 just enough time to clean the young one up, get her dressed for bed and read her a story and put her to bed. Then the older one - go over homework during school (and during school - pick one up at school and then go onto my parent's home and then home).

Switch to moving - 10 minutes from home to work - oh and the school is walking distance to home. On a bad day I was told it will take 15 minutes.

I'm not worried about the priest as the last time they were at church was my wedding - 10 years ago.

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dagmaraka wrote:

Linkat, I know you can't say this to your parents in these words, but for crying out loud, they need something more than their grandchildren in their lives. I mean, it's wonderful that they love them so much, but the fixation is unhealthy. I don't think you can talk to them about it, but maybe your brother can. There are so many things to do! And so many reasons to get up in the morning. Their response is very selfish and they seem to be reinforce that in each other, looking for the worst in the situation. BUT, at least they started to talk a bit. Maybe next time you'll even be able to speak with them in person.. That's good.

I agree - the first thing I said (or shouted) to my husband when I called him was - THEY'RE MY CHILDREN!

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Linkat wrote:

Part of reason I wanted this move was to have more time with my children.

That's a good thing to emphasize. Not that you don't already have good reasons, but that's one that's especially hard for them to argue with. What, it's more important for them to spend time with their grandparents than with their mom? Not.

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I just found this thread. Reading and shaking my head at your parents....

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i think it would be useful if they accidentally stumbled across this thread... Razz

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Some people need a knock on the backs of their heads.

Some people need a series of knocks on the backs of their heads, with "grow up!" shouted each time.

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sozobe wrote:

Linkat wrote:
Part of reason I wanted this move was to have more time with my children.

That's a good thing to emphasize. Not that you don't already have good reasons, but that's one that's especially hard for them to argue with. What, it's more important for them to spend time with their grandparents than with their mom? Not.

My dad actually responded to that "We could work together and find more time for you and the girls". Not sure how they are going to work that other than if they picked up and dropped off the girls every day for us. And then how would they compensate for my commute into work - can't change that any how - unless we bought something right in South Boston (which I wouldn't want to live in - and it would be even more expensive than where we live now) - don't think my dad would drive into Boston any how.

It is nice to want to work that out - but is it realistic? And I think to things that go on at school - 10 minutes away makes it do-able if something goes on to take an hour or so off and drive over for it. For example, my daughter had a "Race for Education" where during the day they would run around the school and yard to raise money. My daughter begged me to go - fortunately it wasn't a busy day and fortunately the traffic wasn't bad as usual so I drove a half hour to the school - watched her for 20 minutes and drove back another half hour - much easier to accomodate such things when the drive is 10 minutes.

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Believe me - I can't even believe that I am living this! It seems so Lifetime TV like.

One question - whatever happened to - you raise your children and then let them go free? I would rather be pushed out of the nest.

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Yeah. At some point the negotiation-type stuff may backfire. They're your kids. As grandparents, they have some rights (I don't mean legal, more like ethical), but not nearly as many as they seem to think they have. You're the parent, you've made the decision. (And your decision contains a whole lot of generous offers to them, too.) They're just going to have to live with that.

(I agree with DrewDad's head-whapping comments.)

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I need to quote this "...I have never refused to do anything for you..."

I almost feel like packing up and leaving and not looking back.

They think I was took in a sales pitch or something from what they wrote. I am in my 40s and have traveled throughout the world (much more than they have) - I am not naive. I was told that in a month I would be ready to come home.

Even if that is true - I am allowed at 40 to move and bring my family with me and make mistakes.

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Ah. They still see you as 11.

Sometimes, you just have to say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and move on until they get it. (Sometimes)

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Oh my. Poor Linkat.

I'm glad you got your brother enlisted.

Have you reached the "I just don't get it" speech yet?

That's the one where you....

Appeal to their egos (You are such amazing parents...)

Point out HOW they were good (You taught me to make good decisions, to stand up for myself, to follow my heart....)

Then you get indignant (I really can't understand how you could act like this now because.... <rant a bit>)

Soften things up (I love you both so much, so do the girls. You're making this so hard on all of us at a time when we really need your support.....)

Conclude (I'm sorry that I've upset you but this is something I really need to do and if you can't support my decision.....)

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Out-of-left-field, probably-not-true, posting-it-anyway idea...

I wonder if your parents' marriage is less than stellar and they have dealt with that in part by focusing outwards, and that they're scared of what will happen if they don't have that distraction.

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Yeah, boomer's speech looks great.

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sozobe wrote:

Out-of-left-field, probably-not-true, posting-it-anyway idea...

I wonder if your parents' marriage is less than stellar and they have dealt with that in part by focusing outwards, and that they're scared of what will happen if they don't have that distraction.

Well my mom was 18 when she got married, my dad was 22 so they were both very young. When I was young my dad worked alot of hours - made great money in OT. I don't remember them doing much as a couple - mostly it was family time. However, as they kids got older, they have traveled a bit together - that means driving to NH in most cases sometimes as far as PA (all from east coast Mass). They are not really the adventerous type.

My mom first got on an airplane when I was in college and won a trip to NY. Since then we got them on an airplane for trips to Florida and California - we paid for this. We have also tried to some extra stuff like that when we could afford it as to thank them for all their help with the kids.

I do think to a degree they may be afraid like you said. My dad tends to do his thing and my mom hers. When my dad said he would retire my mom used to say he would drive her crazy.

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Communicating difficult news to family

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