Communicating difficult news to family

Linkat--

Hold your dominion.

Yeah, I think it's very possible that they just weren't processing things well during that session. It also sounds like there is a great deal of over-dramatization going on, though. I mean really, they can't actually think they'd never see their grandkids again?

A picture of your mom especially is emerging as someone whose identity is very wrapped up in being a Helper. "That Linkatsmom, wow, she just does so much for her family..." It sounds like it's possible that your mom feels that her identity is being assaulted and she's not dealing with that well. It would make sense that she thinks the move will strip her of her Helper role, and sees things in those terms. That she wouldn't really see the middle ground of, hey, she'll still get to see the kids and spend time with them...! That's still in an entirely different role -- on YOUR turf, in YOUR house, VISITING rather than being the invaluable support that you couldn't do without.

Good luck with the note...

Thanks all. I re-read the note last night and made some changes to it, let my husband read it again and he agreed it sounded good.

Yesterday - my parents showed up at my daughter's camp. She told me grampy gave her a hung and kind of sniffed afterwards.

This morning when I dropped my daughter off, my dad was on the back porch as I drove in. He walked into the house and I didn't see him when I went inside. I left it on the counter - folded with "Mom and Dad" written on the back. I decided against handing it to either of them as I was concerned they may not take it from me.

Toward the end, per the counselor's suggestion, I asked them to think about this over the next week or so. Then to consider my proposals (that of us paying for them to visit basically) and to discuss it with us either in person without the kids or if it is easier for them to even give us a note.

That sounds really good, Linkat. Hope the aftermath goes well.

Linkat--

Good idea, but you're going to have an itchy week or so waiting to talk to them.

I hope they take the time to do some thinking.

Hold your dominion.

Linkat, I don't have any great words of wisdom for you. Just want to let you know that I'm reading along and sending well wishes that this works out in a good way.

this has been an interesting thread. I think that sometimes the "first family" has a difficult time relinquishing their rights as parents when you form your own family. You need to do what is best for your family and let them know that in a loving way. Perhaps you should ask them if you should make other child care arrangements as a way to find out if they are feeling used. You could ask them if they feel resentful about taking care of the kids as they are obviously unhappy w/you.

In my family I am the only married adult child and my brothers continue in their role of "first family" children. It took many years of work for me to break the cycle and graduate to my own family-I still don't think that they understand. Now that my own kids are nearing their twenties I hope that I can remember these lessons and apply them to my own kids. Nuf said. Can't wait to read your next installment!

Thanks all - yes it is going to be a tricky week. They are still not talking to me. On the one hand I feel better that my thoughts and feelings are known - no question now. On the other hand, I am nervous about what they will say to me.

Plantress - I was sort of guessing which way to go on the childcare. However, I decided about any changes at least initially for a couple of reasons. I don't want to "punish" my children or my parents. My parents love being with the children and I don't want to take that away from them no matter how they are acting to me. And my children love my parents as well - I wouldn't want to cause my children any pain because of the situation.

We did explain to our children about how my parents are feeling as best we could - we told them not to bring up Texas to them as this would make them sad, however, if their grandparents bring it up, they are free to talk about it with them. We also explained how my parents are a little bit mad at us and sad because they will miss us so much. We want to be honest with them and also clear how much the grandparents mean to all of us.

We tried to let them know in as loving way as possible - even though a note is not so personal - we did not point out anything negative about them at all. We pointed out how much they have done for us and how important they are. We listed are reasons for the move and let them know the only thing holding us back is our relationship with them. We then pointed out we tried to find a compromise so they could remain an important part of our lives, etc.

I don't think they are resentful for taking care of the kids - I think they feel we are taking the kids from them. Almost as if they are their children and not ours in sense.

You're doing all the right things, Linkat, the ball is now in your parents court and it is up to them to make the first move. If they want to be part of
your children's life in future, which means visiting you in Texas, they need
to make the first step to reconciliation otherwise they shut themselves out.
Hopefully, they'll realize this sooner than later.

Just now caught this thread...
It sounds as though you are doing a great job of trying to straighten out a sticky situation.
The note sounds perfect.
Not adding to the negativity is definitely the way to go.

It sucks that your parents are behaving like this...They are behaving badly and selfishly, but you love them anyways. Of course this is a hard thing for them to face, but they shouldn't be making it hard on you and your family. They are suppose to be adults and they should be supportive. I can understand you being angry and hurt and guilty. Remaining open to communication and staying positive are the way to go, stick to the high road.

Hopefully, given time, they can be happy for you and this move. It's the right thing for your family.

Don't feel bad for doing what you and your family need to do!

Thanks all again - just your good thoughts and words help out a whole lot. It was a tough enough decision as it was.

I still have not told my boss yet. She was out last week and considering I did not take the normal route (ie said yes right away), HR says I need to go through her and then she needs to talk with HR. They did seem very happy though as of course only about half from my group agreed to the move.

My husband is getting ansy about me telling - she has been in and out of her office seeing she was out last week and I'd rather tell her in person rather than an email.

Maybe my husband is fearful I will change my mind.

Linkat--

The High Road can be a very lonely place when the rest of the family is having a wonderful time basking in the sun, toasting old and new grudges.

Hold your dominion.

Last night when I got home, I noticed my older daughter looking as if something was really bothering her. She told me great-grandmom was in the hospital. My parents didn't tell my husband when he got the kids. I left a message at my parents' home as they didn't answer. I then called my brother who is very close to my grandmother. I left a message with him as well.

I finally heard from my brother and basically it was determined that she wouldn't be able to live on her own - more from a mental state than simply physically. She is beginning to have moments of confusion and starting to act a bit irrationally. For the first time my grandmother has agreed that she doesn't want to live on her own and agreed that at this stage of her life (she is over 90) a nursing home would be best for her.

That being taken care of - I approach the subject of our moving to my brother. He had heard from my parents. I spoke with him about the details and the note, etc. He had some insights - he is a nurse and did take a few courses in psychology (far from an expert, but at least he could remember the basics). He said right now they are in the anger stage and then there is some other intermediate stage and the final stage is acceptance. He also pointed out the fact that my parents never took on any sorts of big hobbies or other outside activities besides work and family. Right now with being retired, the majority of their life is centered on family - especially my daughters and my niece. They now see less of my niece with my other brother's marital issues and they pretty much see my youngest daughter 5 days a week - soon to be 2 when she starts pre-school in the fall. With us moving they see it as what the heck do they have?

He also said what did I expect when I told them? I said I knew they would be mad, but did not expect them not to talk to me. I would have preferred yelling and swearing. He did point out that they are not the verbal type - I probably never really experienced that part of it as I was typically the "good girl" and rarely got into trouble and was always there for them as an adult, etc. He did also note how they interact with their family and siblings - so he certainly gave me some insight into their psyche that a less observant me wasn't as aware.

He did say, he realized that it had to have been tough decision for me and when I told him about what we had offered for them to visit, he felt they would eventually come around and thought it was a good idea. As he will be around a lot to help with grandmom and making sure she is settled and everything works for her - he said he will see what he can do to talk with them and soften things.

I feel so much better after speaking with him. He actually did move out of state for a while - he did traveling nurse where you go to different hospitals and work for several months. He also told me how guilty he felt about it. Nice to have a rational even tempered person who also understands my parents to help out.

That all makes so much sense.

That's too bad about your grandmom but it sounds like it could help with this situation overall -- your parents will be able to get out of town more easily.

Maybe even eventually move to Texas? Is that something you would like, if so?

I hope your parents calm down enough to talk to you soon...

Yes it is too bad about my grandmom, but on the positive side she agreed a nursing home is best - she has always been such a strong independent woman, but she is over 90. Fortunately having a nurse in the family helps out - he will be knowledgeable on where it would be best for her.

Well we thought of them moving to Texas - not sure if they would want to completely leave their comfort zone. And to be honest I doubt they would leave while my grandmom was still alive. Also, there is my niece that lives in the area.

I just feel better after talking with my brother and that he feels they will eventually come out of their shell - I can wait if I know they will finally at some point talk.

You have a great brother, Linkat. He sounds very supportive of everyone in the family. You are truly fortunate.

O dear, I started reading your posts, hoping to find some advice, since we might be faced with a similar problem, soon.

My husband might have to move to the States for two or three years.
It was originally scheduled for last year, but the plans changed last minute, basically.
Now with our son being a year old, and my dad turning 80 this year, I know that he will see this as a final good-bye.

But what else am I to do?
I married him for better and for worse, and letting him go on his own for the time would not seem right either.
After all, I agreed to him extending his stay in the Army, since he was willing to get out, while I refused to consider coming with him.

After a while I started feeling really selfish, and agreed to a temporary stay in the States for a maximum of three years.

But as I said, for me it's temporary, but my dad will see this differently.
And there is no chance that he might get onto a plane and come to visit us.

OK, after I did not find my good advice here, I just hope for you that everything will turn out OK in the end!

I agree with your brother, though, I think they will come round to accepting the situation, eventually...

I'm so sorry about your situation bohne - I wish I could help, but I cannot even help myself. I think I may need some counseling. I am going to add a separate note as what happened next will be long.

Well I got a response - in the form of two letters and the news isn't good. They are full of guilt, guilt, guilt.

My mom's started with the trip to Texas basically saying how she was stupid to think she would watch the kids so we could have some time off. Then it went on about how there are more important things than a big house - true - I even stated that wasn't the main reason for our decision, but part of it. She also doubted that we could pay for them to come visit 3 or 4 times a year (not true as I could simply put $2,500 away of my bonus each year for this; still leaving us with at least $4,000 left over; and since I would no longer need any of my bonus for tuition).

She then went on to talk about how their lives revolve around my daughters and how she didn't know what she would do when my youngest goes to school this year. "It gave me a reason to get in the morning…The holidays will be unbearable…" Then she went on about all the other bad things that happened…my grandmother, my brother's marital issues and now me and ends with "…please don't go away."

My dad's was even worse. He talked about being pulled over and breaking down in front of the police…of going to the doctor's office (my dad is a hypochondriac so he lives at the doctor's office) and how he broke down there and how the nurse wanted my phone number to call me. Then he talked about how they could have retired to Florida cheaply (a program via where he had worked), but didn't because I was going to have a child. Then how we moved to be closer so they could watch my daughter - which we did and my parents offered we didn't ask. We all agreed it would be better than daycare. We moved to a less desirable town because the housing was less money.

Talked again about how a more expensive home can't buy love and how my brother has a home and his daughter goes to nice public school - all true (although I don't think the schools are that nice), but it would also be at least another hour commute to my sometimes 2 hour commute to live where they do. On my dad's defense anyway he does talk about trying to make time for us to have with the kids which is a big concern to us where we drive so much that some times at night we pretty much put the kids to bed and that's all the time we have - one of my big reasons for wanting to move.

He went on to say how he hurts more now than when his father or mother passed away, more pain than being in the hospital when morphine wouldn't stop the pain.

Oh geez!

I'm sympathetic to them, truly, but GEEZ.

The fact that they just gloss over the trip part (yes, you can afford it) really makes me think they prefer to wallow on some level. Fits with what your brother says about how they usually handle conflict.

Ooooh, that would make me so mad!! You're a better person than I am though.

My first reaction would be "fine, so I won't pay for trips to have you visit" and then leave it to them to try to make it up to you. That's not advice though, that wouldn't actually help anything.

I'm glad they responded at all, that's something, right? Now you can build from there.

But geez! So dramatic, so immature...!