Communicating difficult news to family

I agree too about the communication, however, I am concerned if I try to bring it up, they would just not listen to what I have to say - just walk away.

Oh, I mean talking to the at-work counselor. Not talking to your parents (though that'd have to happen at some point of course).

That talking to the counselor could probably help more than we can help, and that it's a really difficult situation and help is good.

OOPs thanks.

I'll try to call tonight - to much in the open to discuss at my desk.

Some of these employee assistance programs can be fantastic. Both because of the support they can generally offer you - as well as the specific resources they can help you with locating.

Linkat--

Objective advice from a professional could be very helpful.

Pity that you can't send your parents for a quiet time until they learn how to behave with other adults.

Hold your dominion.

Update from last night. My parents dropped off our youngest daughter at our house - that is normal for Tuesdays. I wasn't there, but my husband was. He said Hi and barely got a mumbled hello. Then my mom handed my husband a bag. He said what is it? My mom said along the lines, we won't be needed these any more. Inside the bag were $300 cash and their cell phone. The $300 was money my company gave us to pay for child care while we were visiting Texas. As my parents watched my children during our 4 day stay, I gave them the money. The cell phone was one we purchased about 9 years ago and we continued to purchase the monthly service charges to give them - sort of because they were going to care for our new baby and thought it would be helpful for them and us.

We also spoke with the kids last night. We told them what we decided about the move and explained there are many goods things and a few sad things. Surprisingly my older girl - the more sensitive one was very excited and happy about it. She even wanted to immediately call her friend to tell her. The younger one - the one who normally takes everything in stride was a bit more upset. She whispered to me after we all talked to see if I would talk with her in private. We went into the bedroom and she began to cry - saying how much she would miss a particular friend or cousin. We discussed how she could keep in touch, etc. and she seemed fine after.

I also spoke with the counseling service. They provided a 20 minute counseling session over the phone and if need be I can have 3 face to face counseling sessions free of charge. I explained the situation and he felt the most important thing was to communicate under the circumstances. He also suggested if they were shutting us out and/or a face to face discussion would escalate or be too emotional, that a note would be better. He said in the note to make sure I state that our intention is not to hurt them and to be direct and honest. He also asked about how my husband felt - I think to get a pulse on if we are in agreement. He also said the note should be from both of us and we should write it together and give them a date to respond either in writing or face to face. The funny thing was when I explained my parents reaction, even the counselor appeared shocked.

So much from the newest Lifetime movie….

The younger one had been prepped by your parents, remember.

Ooof.

Glad that the older one's gung-ho and that the younger one came around and that this particular hurdle (telling them) is cleared, though.

And glad you talked to the counselor... do you feel it's helpful?

Can I send my parents to counseling with yours?

I think it helped in the best initial approach at least. It always feels better for some one to give you advice when you begin to be at a loss. Also being so emotionally involved you are unsure if you are thinking rationally.

The odd thing is I am getting the counseling.

Hopefully it is with an investment counselor.

Linkat--

Your parents play rough.

Hold your dominion.

How unfortunate that an emotional situation - moving is always emotional -
has become even more difficult due to you parents behavior. I feel for
you Linkat.

Hopefully, your parents will come around and realize that you're not
intentionally trying to hurt them and your moving to Texas is an essential
question of finances and keeping the standard of living you're accustomed
to. Having a good paying job with fringe benefits is not something one
can take for granted, and sometimes has to take sacrifices for it.
Your parents are selfish.

i am sure they will come around. i was thinking why is it that they feel so strongly about it? "We won't be needed anymore" seems to hark to what's going on in their mind. Can they feel (and I am just speculating, I don't know nowhere near enough) somewhat used perhaps -that they were taking care of your children and now that they are bigger, you are moving, because you can do without. Or because you'll get more money. Or something. I'm thinking if you can pin down why exactly they have reacted the way they did - as a 'detached' analysis (whether it makes you angry or sad or not), that may help you see what can be done.

What they demonstrate is their position. Position alone does not necessarily point to the reasons immediately, those have to be dug up. reasons usually have to do with needs, fears, hopes, concerns... It's harder to dig out when people are not cooperating, but I'm thinking you know them well enough to figure out what is the cause. Sort of, look at things from their perspective. Dunno, maybe you have done that already. Just musing here.

Yes - I agree. I just finished my draft of the note and included near the beginning the following: "We appreciate all the wonderful things you have done for us and certainly recognize that and are thankful for everything."

I think that is part of it and I think the fear of not seeing the kids (or perhaps even me) is also huge. ... The forever comment she said to my daughter.

I know when I was single (I got married old), my mom was always harping about not having any grandkids. I think she would have loved it if I had the babies and then just handed them off to her.

Agreeing with all said... Dag's view is particularly insightful about what may be going on with them to form their attitudes (their attitudes, past natural disappointment, that are particularly hard for me to even begin to comprehend).

back on what CJane said about your work and standard of living (not sure standard of living would be a convincing phrase for them, but I agree with the point), there is also the time you have invested in this company that appreciates you and will pay for your move. (Their alternative is you should lose your job? Your ability/competence in your job is part of you - admittedly not all, but a functioning part.)

Added to that, I see the move as a boost for your husband. At a time when he's had trouble with a new business, which is, if not deflating, not fun - he would be looking at ease of moving into other work. New things to look forward to all around.

My guess is that Linkat's mama can't envision a long-distant matriarchial career. She likes the present set up just fine and she wants to be in charge.

http://unmartyred.wordpress.com/about/

http://www.martyredmoms.com/

Hey, I stumbled across those two sources today, quite by chance. I never heard of the Martyred Moms movie, maybe you can deliver it anonymously to your mom to watch... There are links in both to other sites, maybe something useful will pop up.

Yesterday, my older that goes to camp told me my dad was there - he took a couple of pictures of her while she was at camp. I'm not sure all the gist of it, but it seemed like last night she only told me a piece - she sort of alluded that she wasn't sure it was him, like he was watching her from a distance. Then this morning she told me one of the counselors took a picture of them together. I'm not worried from a safety issue as my parents are on their list as o-k to pick up and as other contacts in an emergency so the camp did nothing wrong. However, if simply gave me a very sad imagine - that my parents feel they will never see them again.

After thinking about it a bit more, I bet they never even heard or it didn't really sink in about my proposal. I think they are so focused and shocked they didn't even realize what we were hoping to provide for them.

In my note, I focused more about lifestyle change - pointing more at advantages for the kids like family neighborhood, family friendly, neighborhood quality schools and also the fact of short commute so we can spend more time together rather than the financial side - like my job and my husband's business.

By the way I haven't given the note to them yet. My husband looked at it and thought it touched the biggest point, but also said part of it didn't make sense - I need to go back and fix some of my writing and it is so difficult for me to work on it (emotionally that is).

I do feel better today - still a touch sad, but much better than yesterday - a good night's sleep sometimes does wonders.