Should we exchange passwords???

That was Bella Dea...

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=2637942#2637942

Yup, that was me.

what captivating reading. i read all 15 or however many pages in one go...

one thing i noticed, isitok, is that it is a kind of a rollercoaster ride - i think others pointed it out too... it's two steps forward, one step back, one step forward, two steps back...

i'd add to the baggage already noted to be dealt with (trust, control) an issue of self-esteem, or self-worth.

I would encourage you strongly to read Virginia Satir's The Peoplemaking

Our happiness is an individual thing. It comes from within and depends on how you see yourself. No marriage or relationship on this planet can give you happiness if you're not appreciative of yourself in the first place.

Happiness is a choice. So is jealousy or unfounded mistrust. Inner balance is something that takes a long time and it's a never ending journey, but soooo worth the effort.

I'm talking from experience. I can see myself in some of your posts. Though I wasn't married, I was in an 8 years long relationship and for about a year or two was going through same. "We're together so we should share everything, I should be able to read his email, letters..." I drove myself insanely jealous and mistrustfull. It reached a point that I could hardly think about anything else, even if I didn't voice it to him. When we broke up for a few months (I think it was 3 or 4 years into the relationship) I realized I have a self esteem problem and I decided never ever to let myself to be miserable again. It was of my own doing - both the misery and later the happiness. I haven't touched his things since (after we got back together) and I have to say I would not have it otherwise again. I told him NOT to tell me his email password actually (he used my email from home once, so he knew mine and asked if I want his), I didn't even want the temptation.

This problem is about you. You only. You can overcome it with some will. Willing to change is half the journey already. You're showing overall progress, please keep it up. You'll be so much happier, I promise you. Counseling sounds like the best possible path, I do hope you'll take it up. It's so normal these days, you shouldn't have to worry on that front at all.

Thank you for your posting. I like to hear other people's life stories. It's comforting to know you're not alone with problems you're having.
I told my husband that I want to go to counseling to resolve my issues stemming from my childhood and my teenage years. I told him I have fear of abandonment because my father didn't want me as a daughter after he left us and I have trust issues because if what happened between him and my mother. He said he agrees and even though he doesn't believe in therapy he said I should try it. He was really trying to be very understanding which I'm really thankful for.
I'm also really curious. I don't know if curiosity and mistrust are connected but I know 99 % of the time I'm just really curious when I touch his stuff. When I ask him what him and his friend were talking about it's because I'm curious and I know what they say about curiosity... But it's just fun. I'm gonna have to give this up too, ain't I?

I think they are definitely connected...at least they were for me. I don't think I saw it then, but I do now. I had this unhealthy curiosity, this alien driving force that I resented and resented myself for not being able to control it. Again, I would not formulate it this way then. But yes, I think they definitely go hand in hand.

look at the link to another similar thread
I'm really glad that I bumped into your thread. I truly believe that it was worth my time...even coming back to it again. You definitely are growing and learning and show the signs of 'getting it!

IsitOK check out this link to a similar thread about pc privacy and passwords:

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=95388&start=0

At the risk of being somewhat repetitious, here are some of my thoughts:

One warning: You do something that many of us do (vacillate and then deflect criticism) at times when we're in a tight spot. It's hard on the ego to expose your emotions and see your own growing edge exposed like this. Please don't think that the root of this password issue is mainly or even a lot about your curiosity. Trust is at the core.

I feel from reading that the root goes beyond insatiable curiosity. We all are a curious about our mates...and their habits. It's OK to be curious ...even intensely curious, but with your family history this curiosity exists to protect your vulnerability. It's very scarey to be that vulnerable. It's not bad in itself...and it doesn't make you evil. Some of us, have been there.

I recall a time in my mid-20s...I was so in love with someone, that I went so far as to follow her when I knew she was seeing the other guy. I did nothing bad...but I caught myself. That never happened again with anyone. I made myself realize that I was giving up far too much of myself when I let myself be consumed with my love interest. Same thing goes with a marriage. As we mature we try to see our shortcomings, embrace them. We still make mistakes but we grow and learn to trust more.

Good luck and know that loving someone that much can soon be a safer place for you.

Thank you so much for this. I agree with everything you're saying.
It is indeed very scary to just let yourself go and trust another human being with everything that you have and everything that you are. But I know that even if one day I were to be disappointed by him or anybody else - I know that I will be strong enough to get over it, and move on. I a true believer in happiness in health, meaning as long as I'm happy nothing can destroy me.

[quote="Bella Dea"]Yup, that was me.[/quote]

Sorry

I did say my head was buzzing!