Should we exchange passwords???

<sputter>


I need to get going, so will just leave things with, obviously more communication needs to happen with you two. I'm glad you're doing the counseling, I think you'll find it helpful. I wouldn't be surprised if the insecurity + control issues are linked, and you may be able to figure out a bunch of stuff that will help your marriage mature.

Good luck!

Why?

And this statment is exactly what the problem is:

You are 1) assuming you know his intentions 2) assuming he has alterior motives that are negative 3) filling your own head with reasons as to why he wouldn't want to share his password.

The reason I assume that is because when I asked him about his password he said 'There is nothing in my email that has anything to do with you. We have a joint email account for business emails if you need to get any of that information'. He is very smart. He knew when we get married I'd need to get information from his account that is business related like bills and sign in infos so he made sure he'd never have to give me his password.

I love your signature by the way !!!

As Bella said:

"You are 1) assuming you know his intentions 2) assuming he has ulterior motives that are negative 3) filling your own head with reasons as to why he wouldn't want to share his password."

I don't know what is in HIS head, but to my eye you are displaying here a mistrust.

I guess ...
But it is pretty sad to me that I have access to my boss's everything at the office, even things that are none of my business. Yet my own husband has doesn't give me 'administrate' rights for his stuff. I didn't even think there is such a thing in marriage as 'mine' and 'his'. I thought it's supposed to be all 'ours'. I guess I had no idea what marriage is...

Why don't you trust him? Did he fool around on you before you were married?

The analogy to your boss's email is not a parallel one as I'm sure that you don't have access to your boss private email account at his home.

I do trust him. I know it doesn't seem that way but I do. I know that if he was doing something he would be a lot smarter than exchanging emails in that email account because he knows that I could always get into it if I really wanted, even without his password. That's not the issue. The issue is it insults me that he doesn't trust me enough to give it to me. For us to just have all of that open to each other.
The only thing he's ever done that scarred me pretty badly was about a year ago I found a couple of pictures of a girl on his computer - the thing I found suspicious was that she wasn't nude or anything, she was completely dressed. I confronted him and he got offended that I was 'snooping' and said he went to hotornot.com and he was sorry. He said he's never done it before and won't ever do it again and he didn't save those pictures. But I know that pictures don't save themselves on your computer so I am convinced that he was lying about it. It was also so heartbreaking for me because I never thought of him as somebody looking at other girls and that day it's like a whole picture of him had changed in my head. I did give him a benefit of a doubt though and tried to forgive and forget, but I guess I never really forgot.

You're actually wrong about that. Images viewed once (such as those viewed in Email) ARE saved on your computer!

In order to have found those images, you'd have to be looking for them..as in snooping.

Again, I'll repeat, to my eye, it is CLEAR that you don't trust him.

isitok, I keep noticing a pattern. It goes something like this:

I trust my husband. [you talk for a while, then] I don't trust my husband, but this is my reason for not trusting him...

The only reason I found those pictures was because I was bored and I wanted to read some of his school papers that he used to always give to me to proof read when he first started school. That's the only folder that I opened - the school folder. And that's where the pictures were. I don't see how they could have saved themselves there. And why only that girl if like he said he was just bored and looked through all pictures - men and women?

and, if he was looking at hot or not.com so what? That is akin to someone looking at photographs or movie stars on a movie website - a pretty innocuous and innocent situation.

It's hard to explain. It's like there is an angel and devil in my head and here is how it goes:

Angel knows that my husband is not a cheater nor would he do any kind of internet flirting crap because I just know he wouldn't. We talked about all kinds of cheating so many times and I know how to looks at it and I know he's not a hypocrite to just say it's not ok for me to do something but he'd do it behind my back.

Then devil steps in and says - well you can see that his story doesn't add up for you and you know how men are. And that's when I start doubting him. It's really frustrating, cause it's almost like I just don't trust myself.

The thing that made me suspicious about those pictures was the fact that it wasn't porn or even erotic pictures. If they were - I'd at least know he was just doing what any person would do. But the fact that she was dressed made me wonder if he knew her and she sent him the pictures or something. Cause I can't see how pictures can save themselves on his computer and I don't know why he'd save those pictures if he did save them. Besides she looked like an alien and I wondered if that's what he finds attractive??? i'm really not being jealous, I was just shocked by what he might find attractive...

Well, you've got your work cut out for you. ;-)

I'm sure if it's this obvious to us, your lack of trust is obvious to him, too. And he reacts to that. His reaction causes you to react -- and you're off to the races.

Definitely something to work on.

He doesn't know that I haven't forgotten the pictures incident though - I haven't brought it up since it happened a year ago ...

isitok, your lack of trust is obvious to him -- it's what the whole email thing is about.

He might not know WHY you don't trust him, but he knows you don't trust him, and he doesn't like it.

(IMO.)

Would you have believed his story about those pictures though? Am I overreacting or did it really sound kinda fishy?

They weren't even dirty! They weren't her being seductive or sexy.

Maybe they were friends in high school. How do you know he even found her attractive?

Good grief, he didn't do anything wrong so far as I can see!

He said he doesn't know her though! If he said that's someone he knew it would be different too. But he said it was just some girl from hotoronot and he didn't save them. She was seductive though, just not naked.