Should we exchange passwords???

I will be married forty years this summer. I have never opened a letter addressed solely to my husband, and he hasn't opened mine. It is a matter of privacy. I think that courtesy extends to E Mails.

Privacy is serious.



Just saw Phoenix' post. I never opened my husband's mail either. There ya go.

I'm not married and never have been. But, it seems weird to me, that you are fussing about it.

I mean, you asked him before getting married what his stance was on it, and he said "No".

You let it be, at least enough, to go ahead and marry him anyways.

So why would things change now? 'Cause you got a ring on his finger?

If he really is up to something, anyways, and he gives you his password voluntarily (I know of women who have forced a password out of their bfs): do you really think you will find anything in that account anyways? That he would be dumb enough to put it on display for you?

Mark down another for not knowing her husbands password.

We share a computer and he does sometimes leave his account open but I've never even bothered to look at who it's from.

I do not want to read his emails. I never said I wanted to read his emails. I just think that when a wife is asking her husband what his password is it shouldn't be a big deal to tell her. It's the fact that he doesn't want to tell me that bothers me, not the fact I can't read his emails. Like I said, if I really wanted to read his emails, it's really easy nowadays to get access to that. But I don't do it - why? Because it's not what this is about to me.
I know very well that somebody who's hiding something will have a different account to hide stuff in, I wasn't born yesterday.
And no, the reason I wanted to leave this forum wasn't because I didn't hear the answer I wanted to hear - as a matter of fact I'm GLAD you all said it's ok what he's doing, this confirmed that my husband isn't a jerk. Which is good news. It's the way you guys talk to newcomers that I didn't like. Especially your stupid joke about having Bella's password like I'm some kind of a idiot or a freak. Sorry that I don't know what's right, sorry that I came here in the first place. Have a great day and thanks for your comments.

isitok, you say that you don't really want to use the password...but that you just feel like you should have the right to it because he's your husband and he's not supposed to keep secrets from you.

Similarly, the reason your husband doesn't want to tell you his password is not because he doesn't trust you with it, but because he knows it is his right to privacy.

You don't seem to be getting it. Let me think of a more extreme example for you. Most parents would do just about anything to protect their children from harm, even at their own expense. For example, a mother would steal food for her child even if she was against stealing.

Would you like your husband to ask you to steal some food for your child to prove that your child is worth it, even though you have plenty of money? Of course not, because this is in violation of your morals and you have no reason to do it, and no need to prove anything.

In the same sense, your husband does not want to violate his privacy rights by telling you his password "just because."

You've had a lot of serious answers, and you've had some mockery. Surely you have heard the phrase "ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer." Whether or not you realize it, you have asked a stupid question.

I think it shouldn't be a big deal for him not to tell you.
Maybe the questions you need to ask yourself-
Why is this such a big deal to me?
What is it that I'm trying to say or get my husband to say?
Is it worth upsetting a marriage over?
Do I have trust issues?




That comment was funny.
I think you are taking this all too seriously. Why? Humor is a good thing. Some people here are finding your question ridiculous and hopefully you came here to get honest opinions on your question.
Laughing at yourself is a good thing.

So is seeing things from another viewpoint.


If you came to get your hand held and hear everything said the way you wanted to hear it -you are in the wrong place.


<hmm... looks like Stuh and I were typing at the same time>

You know if this was me and Mr. B (he would never do that) was wanting to know my password with the promise that he didn't want to use it the scene would play out....

Me: You PROMISE your not going to use it?

Mr. B: Yes, I just think as your husband I have the right to know it.

Me: Okay, it's "bluebell" (it's not)

Mr. B: <later that day> She lied to me!!!!! But I can't do anything about it because I promised not to use it. I'm stuck!!!!!

Seems to me someone is just not getting what they want, when they want it, and so gets snarky.

Is this your approach in general? 'Cause we don't even know you yet and you are taking offense.

Maybe the way you ask him things is inspiring a certain spirit in him.

I know if my bf asked me, and I said "no", and so he decided to get very upset about it and keep on, it would put me in a position where I would choose to say No even if I had changed my mind. Can't reward someone for being bratty, no way would I want to feed that as a way of communication in the relationship.

If it really is a petty issue, let it go.

But it seems you are pulling some classic crap. Your question isn't really a question - it is a demand, a veiled mysterious message imbedded in it.
And he is supposed to know what it is you are really saying - and respond as Princess needs.

Yeah, this is a bit judgemental, but everyone else here is being extraordinarily kind. So you're not being ganged up on.

Another married (almost twenty years) and we don't know each others passwords. I don't need his. He doesn't need mine. I don't think he's up to anything, but if he ever is I'll figure it out some other way. I don't need it in an e-mail.

The one time I needed one of his passwords was when he got very sick / hospitalized a couple of years ago. I couldn't access his contact list and he was too out of it to tell me anything. I found other creative ways to let those know that needed to know.

I changed my password a month or so ago. He noticed and asked me why. I said cause. Period.

Really, snarky or kind or serious or demanding, it all comes down to that people aren't owned, including in marriage.

If a spouse is fooling around in varied ways, you will be find out from my famous to myself phrase, performance criteria. Not always sexual, but just the effects of the two of you not connecting in many ways over time. You do not own his musing thoughts, his poetry, his stupidity, his tossed off lines to a buddy. It is truly not owned by you.

I'll grant this seems to be a new concept to you (not saying that in a snarky way) and it may well be that those around, your friends, haven't understood this either.

This works of course in the opposite direction. You own your own thoughts.





Maybe your husband is a sneaky slug, how do we know. I'm taking it more as (was it flush'd who said?) that he is making a stand for his privacy. But if he is a creepy bit, it will show up.

Give each other room to breathe. Life is long, don't wrap him in fishing wire.

it really is a relief to me to see that everybody is pretty much saying that he's not doing anything abnormal by saying no. i really am knew to this, in the most serious relationship i had before my husband my ex and i were 100 % open with each other and had access to each other's everything. it was a normal thing to me. my best friend and her husband have each other's password so when i talk to her you can guess how it makes me feel.
i have to admit that the biggest reason i want to have his password is because of my Dad, who was the perfect dad and husband on the outside but cheated on my Mom behind her back and she had no idea until he left us for his pregnant girlfriend. i do trust my husband, i know deep down that he is not doing anything, he doesn't even have time to do anything like that, but i guess i just want this comfort of knowing that he is an open book to me. thanks for your comments anyway, keep them coming

Your husband is not your father.

And for the record, I do know my husbands' password and he knows mine.

I know that he's not my father, but an experience like that does damage your perception quite a bit.
So you did exchange passwords - how did you do that? Did you ask for the password?

We work on each other's computers sometimes and at some point, he asked for mine and then later on I think, I asked for his. No biggie.

Yes, your perception can be damaged by the experience of another, if you allow that.

i always assumed it wasn't about the password, and four pages in, it seems i'm right

forget the password, love your husband regardless, and seek some therapy for the mistrust you have towards men

and boomer, that's classic, i'd do that too, just tell them some bogus password and wait to see what they do with the info

I'm glad that you're seeing another side and that you've realized why it matters to you. Good job!

Now, forget the password thing.
Him giving it to you won't solve your trust issues.
You need to solve them.

Pestering him will only make him feel as though you don't see him as trustworthy. Might cause other issues down the road, like him trying to keep some of his personal privacy and ending up doing sneaky things...
Love isn't about knowing everything or suffocating someone.
Give him his breathing room that he needs.

Figure out what you need to do to get over this general mistrust.

You are right, of course. No matter how I try to look at it - in the end, it all comes down to my general mistrust for men. I also know that if he gave me his password and I did see something I didn't like (like one of his buddies sending him porn or something) it would just lead to more problems. I'm trying to just get over it but I find myself resenting him Who knew that marriages are so difficult...

This is completely different. You exchanged passwords so that you could share the use of the computer, which is something that has a purpose other than spying. I mean, a computer can do a lot of useful things. But isitok was asking about the email password...which really has no purpose other than spying on the other person's mail.

You might find yourself resenting him right now over a silly password, but if you keep this up, he'll be resenting you down the road, for not allowing him any space.

You recognize the problem is your general mistrust of men.
That is a huge first step! Embrace that!
Now find a way to get over it. Talk to a therapist. Do something.

But don't expect your husband to solve your problem by catering to it.




(Damn, I need to listen to my own advice....)