Should we exchange passwords???

Honestly, Bella Dea, I'm not advocating that you change a thing.

OTOH, my husband's email address book gave me a clue on who to send the news to, and his words and jokes to others gave me great comfort in the aftermath.

Now for some perverse reason this is reminding me of a comedy skit ... A man dies and at the pearly gates he begs St. Peter to send him back to life for just 5 minutes. St. Peter goes through a long list of whys ("You want to tell your wife that you love her?" "No, we had sex last night, she knows", etc.) Finally, St. Peter says in exasperation "What could you possibly accomplish in 5 minutes?" The man answers, "I could erase my hard drive."

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As far as the joint bank account - he did create a new email account for both of us (a joint account) where he wants all the joint things to go (bank account info, bills, everything) so that we both have access to it. When he opened that account, I took it as an insult though. Like he'd do ANYTHING to make sure he won't have to give me his password. So I told him I refuse to use that email account. Unless I need something from there. But I won't send my bills there. If he wants to see those he'd have to ask me. It's fine for him to have his opinion on that but I can also have mine.
I agree with the fact that we just got married. I don't think he knows what marriage means yet. I don't think he got the whole 'becoming one' thing. He's a very independent person and has always had a 'i don't need anyone' attitude. I know he'll realize sooner or later what marriage is about. I hope so anyway, because I want a very close marriage and not one of those where people are just married because it's convenient but they are really not more than friends or roommates. Just the other day when we were talking about the password issue I told him I don't consider what we have right now a marriage. Cause other than having the same last name and bank account and rings on our fingers, nothing has changed in his attitude since we were just girlfriend and boyfriend. I wasn't trying to be mean, it's just how it feels to me.

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I think having a separate business only account is a fantastic idea. That way, you don't have important emails getting buried in spam or personal emails. And you have all your business stuff in one place.

It's not an insult. It's efficient, IMO.

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Isitok, how much did you guys talk about your own definitions of marriage before you actually got married?

My husband and I were together for 4 years before we got married, not that much changed after we said "I do." It was a great party, it was nice to know that we both felt the same way about each other, and we got a bunch of cookware that we really needed but couldn't afford, but in practical terms not that much changed.

This:

isitok wrote:

I don't think he got the whole 'becoming one' thing.

seems to me like another idea that maybe has to be examined rather than just assuming that you're right and he's wrong. "Becoming one," in the way you seem to mean it, seems extreme and dangerous to me.

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sozobe wrote:

Isitok, how much did you guys talk about your own definitions of marriage before you actually got married?

I've been talking to my best friend about it just the other day.
My husband and I did a whole book of questions about each other (one of those 500 things you need to ask each other before you get married) but we never talked about our definition of marriage or our expectations of marriage. Pretty stupid hah? Cause now I'm finding out that we have totally different expectations. As far as becoming 'one' I don't mean one person, I mean one team. We're a team, we're together, not each on his own, working on his own happiness - we're working together towards our happiness. This, I think, is something he is not getting yet. I think he thinks becoming one means you discuss decisions with your partner before you make them. But this is something we always did, that's why nothing has changed to me.
We also lived together for over 2 years before we got married and I have a feeling that what I was really afraid was going to happen to us (statistics say couples that lived together before they got married have a hard time switching from 'i' thinking to 'we' thinking) is happening to us. It looks to me like he's still only concerned about his happiness and thinks we could call it quits anytime.

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Well, now's the time to start talking then.

It seems like your husband's fine with "team," just not fine with "one." The joint email idea is a great one, IMO. You get to work together where it's important, yet keep a piece that's just for yourself. I'd say that's a great working definition of marriage, right there.

Think of the differences between "one" and "team." "One" is this big amorphous glop with no independence. "Team" is a number of people who have their own strengths and independence who work together for the benefit of everyone.

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I'm really clueless when it comes to marriage, and I started realizing it when we had our first fight. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and I'm getting really discouraged because whenever there is an issue we don't seem to know how to handle it constructively. It seem to me like I am always the one that has to give in and I don't think it's fair. I now know why everybody always says marriage is really tough and I know why everybody always makes joke about marriage being a bad thing. It's really difficult and I don't know how to do it. I don't even understand why everything changed since we got married. I never understood when people told me everything changes after you get married but now I do ... but I don't know why it does...

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Hey, marriage can be really great. I'm 11 years into mine (together for a total of 15 years), and I'm very happy to be married.

Isitok, did you guys get along well for the first two years, before you got married? How come? What was different?

From what you've said so far, it sounds like your husband expected things to continue about as they were, and you expected some magical joining to happen that hasn't happened. It might be as simple as adjusting your expectations. You were doing something that worked for 2 years -- you know SOMETHING about how to make this relationship work. (Unless you were just backing down all the time in those 2 years? If so, why did you want to get married?)

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isitok wrote:

I'm really clueless when it comes to marriage, and I started realizing it when we had our first fight. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and I'm getting really discouraged because whenever there is an issue we don't seem to know how to handle it constructively. It seem to me like I am always the one that has to give in and I don't think it's fair. I now know why everybody always says marriage is really tough and I know why everybody always makes joke about marriage being a bad thing. It's really difficult and I don't know how to do it. I don't even understand why everything changed since we got married. I never understood when people told me everything changes after you get married but now I do ... but I don't know why it does...

Having just read this entire thread I have to say that I don't think the underlying issue is your understanding of marriage (or his for that matter). I don't think it has anything to do with passwords or trust per se either.

What it does have to do with, IMO, is control.

His not giving you his passwords, whether you'd use them or not, denies you the ability to have any control of his actions with regards to his email activities. I think that plays into your concept of marriage as well. You seem to see his actions as "not getting it" with regards to being a team but I don't see it that way. It sounds to me like he gets it just fine. I would question whether or not your are "getting it" that marriage isn't authority to exert your will over the will of your partner.

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We've actually been together for 3 years before we got married. The first year was tough cause we had a long distance relationship and moved in with each other without really dating first and I was away a lot. Also, due to the fact that he was so much different from anybody else I've ever dated and due to cultural differences we had a lot of problems in the beginning - alot of adjusting to do. But then at some point it just clicked and I guess we knew each other well enough and were finally happy with each other. I did have to deal with a lot of things he didn't do the way I wanted him too but his explanation was always that I 'wasn't even his wife', basically saying I'd have more 'rights' if we were married. Well we're married now and I don't see these rights. I feel cheated. But I do think that it will take some time for him to adjust as well. We got married 5 months ago in the court house (to prevent me from leaving the country) but had a 'real' wedding only a month ago and we agreed to count us as 'married' since the real wedding. So it hasn't been long for him. I do agree that he probably thought everything will stay the same except we'll join our finances and we can plan a life together. I expected more. I know I have to give it some time but it is SO HARD! I feel like for some reason I' changed a lot too. Like I thing I have more rights now and I want to use them all. We did say we accept the responsibilities and the privileges of being each other's husband and wife in our wedding vows and I don't see those privileges just yet... Confused

Like I said, we both don't know what we're doing yet. I have a lot of resentment right now because I feel cheated in a way. I just hope it goes away with time and doesn't just keep building up ... I do have a HUGE respect for people that are married for even 5 years!!! Right now, the only way I can imagine it happening to me is if I just stop caring about anything he does, says, doesn't do, doesn't say and just live my life for me like a single person and pretty much stay out of his sight or something.

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fishin wrote:

I would question whether or not your are "getting it" that marriage isn't authority to exert your will over the will of your partner.

Exactly! That's the thing that makes me so frustrated - WHY am I the one that has to just suck it up and deal with it? Where is the compromise? Why doesn't it matter how I feel? Why is his opinion the only one that matters?

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isitok wrote:

I did have to deal with a lot of things he didn't do the way I wanted him too but his explanation was always that I 'wasn't even his wife', basically saying I'd have more 'rights' if we were married. .

Why was that OK with you?

Btw I think you took fishin's point exactly the opposite of how it was intended. He was talking about YOU wanting to control your husband.

In terms of this, for example: He wants his email to be private. You want his email password. He comes up with a compromise -- a shared email account. You reject that.

In that situation, you are the one who is requiring all or nothing.

ebrown mentioned cultural differences earlier, I'm definitely responding from the perspective of an American woman... I can't tell how much cultural differences come into play, here. Would you mind saying where you live (if only "a Latin American country,") what culture you are from and what culture your husband is from?

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isitok wrote:

fishin wrote:
I would question whether or not your are "getting it" that marriage isn't authority to exert your will over the will of your partner.

Exactly! That's the thing that makes me so frustrated - WHY am I the one that has to just suck it up and deal with it? Where is the compromise? Why doesn't it matter how I feel? Why is his opinion the only one that matters?

I think you read my comment in the exact reverse of how it was intended.

Instead of asking "WHY am I the one that has to just suck it up and deal with it? Where is the compromise? Why doesn't it matter how I feel? Why is his opinion the only one that matters?" you should be asking "Why am I asking him about any of this to begin with?".

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The reason it was OK with me that he said I'd have more right when we are married was because I trust him. He's a man of his word. The reason he's not showing it right now is either because he forgot he said it once or because he hasn't gotten used to the fact he's married yet. I don't know. But I know he was bullshitting when he was telling me that. He's a good man, I have no doubt about that.
I know fishin meant his post differently, I took it the wrong way intentionally - to show that he's trying to manipulate my views just as much as I'm trying to change his.
I'm from Europe. My husband is from the States.

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And you're living in the US now?

I do agree that there is a problem if he promised something and then failed to live up to the promise. Hard to comment more than that without knowing more details + context.

In terms of THIS situation, it seems clear that he did find a way to compromise, but that wasn't enough for you.

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isitok wrote:

I know fishin meant his post differently, I took it the wrong way intentionally - to show that he's trying to manipulate my views just as much as I'm trying to change his.

Any why exactly would I want to manipulate your views? Question

You asked for opinions on how to resolve your problem but appararently the only opinions you want to hear are those the confirm the views you already have.

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fishin wrote:

Any why exactly would I want to manipulate your views?

I meant my husband is trying to manipulate my view... Sorry if it sounded different...

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sozobe wrote:

And you're living in the US now?

I do agree that there is a problem if he promised something and then failed to live up to the promise. Hard to comment more than that without knowing more details + context.

In terms of THIS situation, it seems clear that he did find a way to compromise, but that wasn't enough for you.

Yes, I do live in the US now, have been for 2,5 years.
If I asked him about those promises now, he'd probably say 'I said you're not even my wife, I never said I'd do it if you were my wife'. Which is probably true, I don't really remember. Truth is, it wasn't important enough for me to leave him over this, that's why I said 'OK'.

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And you're not trying to manipulate his view?

If two people disagree about something binary (you have his password, or you don't), someone has to give in. Or, someone has to compromise. Your husband has.

What you call "manipulation," I call "talking to each other and trying to seek a mutually acceptable solution."

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I don't see a joint email account as a compromise. He created it even before I asked for a password anyway. I bet he was trying to prevent me from asking for his password. So he was proactive.

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Should we exchange passwords???

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