Should we exchange passwords???

I've always know about this problem that I have with men. The thing that I think made it worse over time is that I've always been with men that would give me any reassurance I wanted so I kept on wanting more and I just assumed everybody to give me what I needed.
My husband is the first guy that said no. I think that's one of the major reasons I married him. Because he was a complete apposite of my Dad.
I've read some books on trust and I've made huge progress! Trust me, I used to be a lot worse... I've been wanting to go to a therapist for a long time but I feel embarrassed cause I don't want to be seen as crazy or something, counseling is not very common where I come from. I need to check with my insurance and maybe get some counseling.

Yup, that's it in a nutshell.



Good! Now don't try to drive him away by asking him to be something he's not!



I know it's not that easy. You won't be crazy cause you go. You'd be smart to work out your issues and lead a healthy and happier life. Self help only goes so far. Having an unbiased ear, someone who knows how to help would be great.

I think it's amazing that you can admit the issue and see it as the problem.
Most people would not have come around as quickly as you did.

That could be the reason he doesn't want to give you his password. You would tell other people.

Giving out your password, even to friends, is asking for trouble. They could get drunk and decide to play a prank on you by sending email from your account. They might tell other people because after all it's only a password.

Add me to the list of those that don't know their spouse's email password. I trust her enough to have no reason to need her password. She shows the same respect for me.

You may not want to hear this (so it seems), but under no circumstance is he compelled to tell you the password. He is, however, compelled to tell you about matters that have to do with your trust...about his emotions etc. You need to see these things as a separate issues.

Big important issue here: Seeing a counselor or therapist DOES not mean you are CRAZY! When you have a certain type of problem, you see whoever you need to help you help yourself. You'd be crazy NOT to do this.

Yeah. No kidding.

You sound like you are in a great spot to benefit from talking to a therapist.

I hope you go for it. You've pinpointed what the problem is, and can work this through and get on with enjoying your new marriage.
Good luck.

Re: Should we exchange passwords???
Isitok --
I just read every post on this thread.
From your very first post, I understand that you may be from another culture (not the U.S.).


Once another culture is involved, I have to let go of all my assumptions and be open to any way of life.
You may have been through any experiences, teaching, tradition or belief, and I have to respect that.
But I also think his reasons are very clear and valid.




In terms of privacy, maybe a more personal example might help. If my wife asked me where I keep the key to unlock my personal diary, I would respond "Oh, it's not important. My journal depends on privacy from all people, so even if I were in a hospital, there is no reason to spread it around". No big deal.

If my wife then said "No, it's important. It's really, really important. I MUST have your key!", then it sounds very suspicious. Not on me, but on her. Isitok, the experience you had with your father's secret, and your previous relationships being so open, explain to me why this is significant for you. I can understand that you're not just looking to exaggerate some email and start a fight.

But your husbands concern is also understandable, and while you fear something that you imagine, he fears something that you are actually doing. Everyone needs their privacy, someplace where they don't have to worry about being judged ten different ways at random. Email is often like a personal diary.



I trust my wife. But when we discuss personal topics, we misundertand each other very often. I trust that we will continue to misunderstand each other. Sometimes it can take four or five tries before we hear what the other person is really trying to say. She means well, I mean well, and I trust that we will continue taking things the wrong way when we discuss certain topics or go looking for something to prove.

If my wife demanded the key to my personal diary, would I then have to read everything I've written in my journal, to make sure nothing might be taken the wrong way? Just for her benefit, and my safety? What a huge amount of work!



If my wife reads all my emails, I gaurentee she will misunderstand 50 of them. I will have to explain each of them 4 different ways before the understanding becomes clear. 200 explanations is a lot of work, and doesn't accomplish anything for me - except to put me under accusation, blame, hostility, attack, and a ton of work before my own love and truth can be heard. Nothing is gained. There's no reason to put our relationship through such a wringer!

So yes, I think married people should "protect each other FROM each other". From themselves.
Neither one of you is capable of understanding everything.
Go a little step at a time. Share and learn more about each other every day.

You cannot force someone to be open. That would be violent.
Everyone must take care of their own body, heart, and mind,
choosing when and how to share them, even with a spouse.

When he would like to share something personal from his emails, he will volunteer it or ask you to read it.
Anything he shares with you is a gift.



I admire how clear you are about your own feelings, history, and issues!
In America these days, seeing a therapist is kind of like ... seeing an astrologer, or having tea with a friend.
People who seek knowledge, to know their own intuition, self-made individuals, ... are constantly looking for signs and new ideas,
so I admire your curiosity and effort.

No one needs to know you're having counseling. There is a doctor-patient confidentiality privilege so anyone finding out would have to find out from you (even the bills would just look like they came from a doctor's office, assuming you had to pay anything beyond insurance or perhaps a copay). They won't be huge, red, neon flashing, noise-making envelopes that will emit the words "SHE'S CRAZY!!!! HEAD FOR THE HILLS!!!!!" every five seconds.

So don't worry about that.

I would, though, tell your husband if I were you, even if he wouldn't go himself, just 'cause that really is something that people in significant relationships should share. Not what's said in therapy -- you're entitled to privacy there. Just that you're going, so he has an idea of where you are on Thursday afternoons (or whatever) and he can understand that you are getting treatment and support you in that.

I'm glad you continued to listen here. I hope that you will seek counseling to work through your insecurity.

Speaking of cultural differences, before e-mail and passwords there was regular mail and purses and wallets. I was taught that you never open someone elses mail, or go into a womans purse or a mans wallet. Did this apply in your house when you were growing up?

Unless it's junk mail like a coupon packet addressed to my husband, I don't open his mail. If he needs my keys from my purse, he brings me my purse and I dig them out for him. If I need a $20, I ask him and bring him his wallet. I don't just help myself. I don't have anything in my purse he can't see, it's just respect for each others privacy.

I don't have my e-mail password protected, and sometimes I see that he has read my e-mail before I get it. I don't know why he does this, but I figure it's his problem if he reads something he doesn't like or doesn't need to know. Hey, if he blows his birthday surprise it'll be his own fault.

I got lucky (!) with a guy like that.

In time, I learned how to say "No," too.

He doesn't tell me what to do.

I don't tell him what to do.

It's bloody glorious.

Well I don't know about the rest of you but I got papers when I got my husband. Vaccination records, transfer papers...the whole kit-n-caboodle. Gotta know what you bought now, right?

:wink:

(in case you didn't catch that, it was a joke)

Isotek. Not that I want to change this to me, but I am bipolar. it has taken me a great deal of time to properly deal with the very subject of feeling self conscience about being "crazy".
It is not crazy, go ahead give it a try. It is not so crazy.Really.

actually i am not sure how i was brought up. i remember being sure that mom wouldn't read my diary, but i'm not sure where that feeling came from. i don't remember how our family handled mail and things like that. i think my last relationship before my husband had the biggest impact on the way i see it - mail is not private to me. i don't know why. i wouldn't care if my husband opened my mail, went through my cell phone, read my emails. i honestly don't care. i remember once or twice i noticed that he read the text messages in my cell phone before i did but it just made me smile cause i thought it was funny that he was so curious. so i guess this is why it is really hard for me to understand why he would start a fight to fight for something so 'unimportant' in my eyes. i don't know if it makes any sense...

So, are you equating "He read my text messages" to "He loves me?"

You find that endearing?

Can you explain why?

I guess I just find it endearing because I find it kinda silly because I'm not hiding anything and I know that he knows that. I can't really explain it any better. It's just not a big deal to me at all and that's why it's just funny to me. The only thing that I asked him when I found out was to please next time he does it tell me that he did it because otherwise I won't know that I got a message

Well, I just called my insurance and it looks like counseling is something I could afford right now, so I think I'll go ahead and give it a try. I'm really nervous though, because this is something I wanted to do for so long but I'm also so afraid to open a can of worms and find out that my issue is much worse than I imagined... Wish me luck !

That's wonderful, isitok. We don't often see people who come here asking for advice be so proactive, good for you.

I want to put a little different spin on this, completely apart from the emotional baggage of trust and past experiences. (BTW isitok, I agree with and am happy that counselling is possible for you.)

I am a widow, and before this forum I hung out on a widow/er forum. One issue that came up quite often was this lack of password knowledge. Many widows were faced with the additional problem of having key information locked in their spouses computers. As an example (although this didn't happen to me because my husband and I didn't have passwords to access the computer or accounts), my husband did all the household banking online -- without a password this would have entailed a lot of work on my part, at a time when I could hardly think, to overcome.

So, although I agree that each person's privacy boundary is their's to set and the spouse's to respect, I believe that it would be in everyone's best interest to have their spouse's passwords available in case of emergency. I'm not sure how you could do this while respecting each other's boundaries -- maybe a sealed envelope in your passport, or something?

Also, I want to say to isitok to give it time. You two are still so early in your marriage. You're in the process of growing together. As time passes, there will be much more melding together, and this issue will either become unimportant to you or openly shared information. I admit that I haven't read every post carefully, but I do hope that you've discussed, calmly and frankly, the reasons behind your request with your husband. Those are far more important than the password itself.

Tico, I do all the financial stuff in our house and those passwords are knowledge for both of us. That I can totally understand. Joint accounts that affect both people should have jointly known passwords.

My personal email is another story.

Thanks for your encouragement. I know I wasn't happy with you guys when I first came here but I guess it was because the problem was too fresh and I was too mad to clearly think about everything. I am still not completely over it with him, I still think about it every time I see him, but at least I am not defensive anymore. And at least now I know that he's not a mean person for saying no. Maybe one day he'll say yes, who knows. I know I can't force him to though.