Should we exchange passwords???

So....what's the problem again???

Would you be pissed if he kept a picture of a celebrity on his computer?

Look this isn't about the picture or the passwords.

This is about you not trusting him, whether or not you want to admit it here. At least admit it to yourself. Something else is bugging you and you just haven't told us what yet. It might not even have anything to do with him.

These things make little to no sense as to why you'd be suspicious or angry.

I swear if the sexes in the post were reversed we'd all be telling her to run for it because she was in an abusive relationship.

Truly, I'm beginning to worry for her husband.

No. Even though I would think it's strange since we're not teenagers anymore, why have pictures of celebrities. Unless it was something funny, like we have a funny picture of the president on our computer or I have a funny picture of Eminem sleeping.

So none of you would find it strange if you found pictures of some random girl on your husband's computer and he claimed he didn't save those pictures?

Is there anything that would make you suspect that there is anything other than a picture going on?

No. That's the only reason I gave him a benefit of a doubt that time. But still to this day I feel like I didn't get the whole story that day - but then again, I don't think it's anything really bad, I don't think he was cheating or anything nearly as bad - I just think there was something embarrassing that he didn't tell me (like that he DID save those pictures). But then again... there is this angel in my head that says who don't you just believe what he's saying???

this is my observation:

I see clearly that no matter what is written here that you focus on details that have little to do with what the central issue here -- your trusting HIM. He has not done anything wrong.

I explained to you that images CAN get saved on computers when they get viewed just once and apparently you won't believe that. Even if he actually consciously SAVED it HIMSELF, it's STILL irrelevant. It's an innocent act with no bad intent or betrayal of you. Your are showing me that your history and your emotional make-up prevents you from trusting him.

I'm trying to help you the best I know how (as are many others here).

That (trust) is the issue as I see it that you need help with. And, I sincerely wish you good luck with it. You seem very sincere in your efforts to understand it.

Thank you. I am very thankful for your comments, they are very comforting. I think I'm trying to protect myself so badly that I have a hard time telling a a threat from an innocent stupidity. I really am not a crazy person. I do not show him my trust issues that much, barely at all, but I know that he knows I have issue with trust simply because of my history. When he gets mad about that he said 'I'm not your father'. I need help separating the rest of the world from my father. I really hope that counseling helps me with that.

I had my password to my old boyfriends account, and it just dragged up a lot of stuff that I would rather have not known.

His account is none of your business, but I can understand you being suspicious of him not wanting you to see what he has in there.

I've been reading along since the beginning.

I keep getting stuck here ...



Open book.

I don't think it's ever going to happen. Don't think it should. People have a right to themselves, to their own thoughts.

Every now and then, I think the romantic vision of "two becoming one" leads to messes when people are faced with reality.

~~~~~~~

isitok, I think it's tremendous that you're interested in taking the time to understand why you want/need certain things in a relationship.

You can't (as the song says) always get what what you want, but sometimes understanding why you want it can help.

isitok,
I just caught up with the thread.

You've had a very long day for discussing your lack of trust for your husband.
You got alot of good and clear comments.
Do you realize that you are cycling back through the same things over and over again? Do you do this with your husband?
It's been an endless discussion today, with you saying, I want everything, why am I the only one giving in? Why can't we be one? Etc....

When your husband said "No, you are not my Wife yet", that sounds to me that he has some warped ideas of marriage or else, yes, he was trying to put you off. Cause you were endlessly bugging him.

No, I don't think your husband has done anything wrong (even with the photos)
No, I don't believe marriage means Open Book and two melding into one. But that's my opinion. Maybe you married someone that doesn't have the same opinion as you. (Listen to the happily married folks on here. They say nothing really changed after marriage)
Plus, do you know how boring that might be, if you knew someone as well as you know yourself?

As far as the snooping, (and yes, it's snooping when you delve into anything that's his) it's bad. You will always find something that will bother you. Then if you ask about it, you won't get the answer you want. You will never be happy and your husband will always feel betrayed. His privacy is being betrayed. It will only make things worse.

Counseling for you and probably marriage counseling for both of you.

And forget the crazy nonsense. It doesn't mean you're crazy if you get counseling. It means you are crazy if you don't get it and you let your trust and control issues destroy your marriage.

Listen to these good people here. They say wise things whether you are willing to hear them or not.

When you are feeling clear enough, go back to the beginning of this thread and read through everything as objectively as you can. It'll help.

Re: Should we exchange passwords???
Isitok -

Having just read every post on this thread a second time, I have to be honest with you.
Your persistence, trying to get access to your husband's email
over and over again no matter what he says, is making me very concerned for you.


No means no.

At this point, I think it's very inappropriate for you to have access to his email.

It would be very unhealthy and wrong for you to approach his emails with the
attitude that you have been showing in this thread.

You are not entitled to anything that he doesn't feel safe or comfortable to share with you.
The more you treat it like an obligation or reasonable requirement, available anytime
you please, the more you SHOULD be turned away.

Anything personal that he shares with you is a gift(!), and can only come when he is ready.

Like I said, if your husband is fooling around, you will find out, it is the nature of the thing. Stop with the ownership thing, the possessiveness of his mind and heart. And frankly, I don't care about your father this and that; it makes some of this more understandable but no excuse.

Culture I can see, as some folks must have talked you into this thing about becoming ONE. Methinks that might be a patriarchal idea.

Become your self, and be his partner.



Eek. I was weary of citations of Kahlil Gibran by the time I married my husband, decades ago. One of his poems was sprung on us in the ceremony and I did an inner shimmy cringe, the thoughts being commonplace by then to me, kind of like Jonathan Livingston Seagull, for those of you of my generation - but I basically agree with them.

His poetry might help you. See the book The Prophet.



I'll admit if I reread those I might change my mind on my advice to read them, but my memory is that he understood what we are all talking about.

<agreeing with AziMythe>

I've just found this thread and the phrase above jumped out at me. I agree with those who have said this isn't about passwords or any other possession. Rephrasing the sentence a bit to read, "I didn't even think there is such a thing as me and him. I thought it's supposed to be all us." is closer to the point I'm hearing.

Reading through this thread I just remembered that I once asked my husband for a password.
I think it was for his amazon account.
I was looking at a few american books and at the time (thinking about it, we weren't even married) I could not have stuff sent to his American post box and did not want to pay extra postage to have the books sent to my German address.
So I asked him, if I could order the books on his account and in his name.
He did not hesitate for a second and gave me the password.

Not that I thought I had a RIGHT to the data, but it made things easier.
He's not very private about things in general.
His email account is always open, but of course I would not dream of looking into it without a reason and his approval.

He knows my password since he needed it for something at some point, and I don't have a problem with that at all.
If he came up to me and asked me for no reason, I think I'd probably say 'no' just out of surprise, and make sure, I'd not give it to him in the future, either.
I would assume that he was planning to read my emails.

[quote="isitok"]I didn't even think there is such a thing in marriage as 'mine' and 'his'. I thought it's supposed to be all 'ours'. I guess I had no idea what marriage is...[/quote]

I think marriage is what you (both) want it to be.
Agreeing on it helps, of course!

I have been married for three years now, but don't even have a joint bank account with my husband.
For emergencies I made sure he has access to all my accounts and I think he did the same.
But there is definitely a 'my', and that's the way we both want it.
We both work and earn money, and whatever I do with MY money is basically none of his business.
If I feel like spending it on a new sewing machine, than I will do that.
I might mention it to him, ask for an opinion, even, but I will not ask his permission.
And I bitch at him for eating MY cookies!
We don't even share the same last name, I kept MINE, and he kept HIS, after we got married, so you see, we are still very much individuals.

That does not mean, we are not a team.
Whatever I do now, I first think how it affects my husband and our son.
Their happiness is as important (or even more so) than mine.
I love them both to death and would do nothing to hurt or disappoint them.

That the basics of MY definition of marriage!

I think this is the key point to your story: trust. He trusts that you won't violate his privacy.

Obviously, isitok's husband does not feel that she would respect his privacy. Would you trust someone who bugged you and bugged you about something and made such a huge deal out of it and then claimed there was no reason for the big stink?

[quote="Bella Dea"]
Obviously, isitok's husband does not feel that she would respect his privacy. Would you trust someone who bugged you and bugged you about something and made such a huge deal out of it and then claimed there was no reason for the big stink?[/quote]

No I would not.
That's why I said

[quote]If he came up to me and asked me for no reason, I think I'd probably say 'no' just out of surprise, and make sure, I'd not give it to him in the future, either.
I would assume that he was planning to read my emails. [/quote]

Relax...it was rhetorical question.

thanks for your comments, guys, i keep reading and learning. nice to see what everybody else thinks about this.
i have to make something clear though just so you don't have a wrong idea. i did ask my husband for his email about 2 years ago when we were dating but never brought it up again. then a week or so ago i was thinking about making a list of all my accounts and passwords (because i forget half of them all the time) and was telling him about it and then thought 'hey, we're married now, we might as well have all our accounts on the same piece of paper ' so i asked him 'do you want us to put all our accounts on the same piece of paper so that we have everything in one place?' and that's when he said 'my passwords will stay in my hear, where they belong'. my initial reaction was that he didn't trust me and that offended me. so it wasn't that i asked him for his password out of the blue or anything. i also never bugged him over and over. once he said that i just told him how i thought it wasn't right because we're married and he should trust me that i wouldn't use his password unless there is an emergency. the fight we had after that was pretty much about me being offended by his lack of trust but by the fact i didn't get what i wanted. i was just offended cause he always preaches trust but he doesn't even trust me!