Sad things make me return

Ah, Seed. This sucks. Big time.

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. You're already getting good advice here, so I just wanna stop in to say hey and let ya know there's another set of ears for ya.

((((HUG))))

Is she heading our way home? or is she from another area?

Noddy? Is that you?

He's in the military. How can he possibly take custody and rear a child? Unless he's willing to forgo his 20 year plan.

She's only two months pregnant. It's not too late to end it. Cold, I know, but does she even want this baby?

Eoe--

This is the "new" army where both men and women can serve their country and raise children.

I know a young, unmarried woman on the fringes of Mr. Noddy's family who is in the army and doing just that.

This woman does not sound like Motherhood Material to me, but I bet Seed would be a good father.

But Noddy, what kind of help does your young relative have? Who keeps the child while she's doing her required tours of duty? I would suspect that a strong family support system is a major musthave when raising children alone while in the military. Hell, my stepdaughter turned our family's world upside down just having a dog.

One thing, seed...

She's moving back home no matter what pretty much, right? Is it at all possible to separate that moving from your own personal situation? Here's what I'm getting at. I get hints from what you've written that she left everything behind (including a job and her family) to be with you. And that she hates where she is now. I've said here many times how passionately I hate moving -- for some people it's no big deal, for others it's a huge deal.

Not to complicate things, but I wonder how much of her current mindset is about wanting to get back to a place that she loves, her "home." Is it at all possible to say that she can go ahead and move, and once she's done that and feels more settled, you can revisit the question of your marriage?

I don't have a good enough feel for things to know whether that would just prolong the agony, just a spare thought from someone who goes into a complete funk for several months every time I have to move.

That's the thing soz. This could be hormones, just missing her regular routine, or it could be the real deal and she truly wants out. Even our boy doesn't really know what her truth is and possibly, she doesn't know either. But I think you've got a point. Take it one step at a time. Let her move back home. And go from there.

Yeah...

Seed, was the pregnancy planned?

It sounds like Mrs. Seed is not communicating. That's why I think Seed needs an attorney. Seed, see if the army can help you out here as well. You need to know what your rights are as a father.

I agree with Sozobe that she may feel better when she gets back home, but then again it didn't sound like home was such a great place either.

I think she would benefit from counselling. A lot of times the spouse who initiates a split think that if they go to counselling the other spouse will make them out to be the bad guy. She may already feel like a bad person. Tell her that you'd like her to go to help you both make decisions about the future.

Eoe--

"X" has day care--on her base--and a babysitter on tap. She had to have her parents sign papers that if she were shipped overseas that they would give their grandchild a home.

I may be jumping to conclusions, but I suspect that Seed's wife wanted a home of her own and never thought deeply about what married life--or military life--would mean.

According to Seed she has no interest in working on her marriage and I doubt that she'd work too hard on motherhood, either.

Seed can't mend a broken marriage all by himself, but he can do his damnedest to take care of his baby.

I find it difficult to judge a person when I only know one version - but I do agree that you, Seed, really should try the way soz et. al. suggested.

things getting better when she gets back home is one thing she said might happen. though i do not know if she was just saying this to try and make me feel better. As for being a single father in the military, even though it would be hard I would do it hands down. Aborting the child is not an option. i would never be able to live with myself if that happened. I would perfectly fine with being a single father. The pregnancy was planned in the way that she wanted a child but I said we should wait. Though we got pregnant. She has told me that she doesn't want the child now, and that abortion was not an option either. I told her i have no problem having full custody. She is scared though that when she has the child that she will not be able to let it go. My parents would have no problem taking care of the child while I was deployed, and if they can not, then I am sure my sister would be able.

Moving back to VA for her will make her extremely happy, though I dod not know how she will fair once she starts falling on hard times. i will give her the money I am required to give her, and hell more then likely more then that just because I couldnt stand sto see her unhappy and struggling while carrying my child.

My problem is i do not know where to stop being so kind and start sticking up for myself. I feel as if I am being walked over and that just makes things worse for me.

Seed--



This is why you need a counselor and a lawyer.

You're unhappy. She's unhappy.

Fine, you both know that--but where do you go from here? What is "fair" for each of you?

You need someone with whom you can sit down, face to face, and make plans. Ideally your wife would accept someone like the chaplain who would act as a referee to set up a sensible budget and some financial arrangements.

I know you don't want to talk about money when your heart is breaking, but without money nothing is going to happen.

Separation and divorce when a child is involved need some serious planning--and you should start now.

Hold your dominion.

Seed, I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now.

Listening. We understand your heartbreak, Seed, and are sad it is happening for you. You do need legal advice. People always think that means a decision to divorce, but that may or may not be true. You need to know your rights and get legal advice in general, please do it.

I can't tell if your wife is in clinical depression, under influence of hormones, a plain old ordinary immature woman, a selfish (fill in your own blank), or, someone with some legitimate gripes re the inconsiderate man (this is not high on my list, from my reading of you over the years, but it may be her view.)

I'm thinking it may be none of those so much as that she is young in life if not age and is feeling trapped.

I was interested when a poster said this may have been going on for a while, that she feels so sure - it makes me feel she is thrown by all this new stuff and just wants to go back to whatever, going out with friends back home. Being in love and you all building a life together is not attractive for some reason - she's regretting her choices. Probably amazed that her choices led to all this.

Pestering her won't help. Get local advice, your chaplain, army services, and at least one hour consult with attorney.

I see where Noddy is coming from, and would include questions about custody when you talk with an attorney.

Coulda just been my brother-in-law and his officer strivings, but it was made real clear that anything indicating marital problems would be on his record and harm his chances of advancing up the ranks. That was 20 years ago, and like I said, coulda just been him emphasizing it to manipulate my sister.

Seed, would there be any repurcussions with your career for seeking counseling or talking to the chaplain?

There is a trick to getting a woman back but it's not easy sometimes.

You make yourself cool / interesting / exciting / somewhat out of reach.

Wear really nice clothes, hang out with creative-artistic types (no more beer guzzling loud fat football type friends, rock or jazz musicians are usually good choices), join active sports like rock climbing or kayaking, lead you own life, don't rely on her at all, always be cheerful and outgoing and have a good joke to tell, never (I mean never) show your disappointment or sadness no matter what, always give the appearance of confidence even if you feel like ****, always have something positive to say, oh yeah almost forgot......never complain!

Squinney has a point I'd not thought of, good question.

How could Seed tell, though?

That could work with some women, go for it, Chumly.

Hello there, Seed!
Good to see you again, though I'm really sorry to hear that things are so tough for you right now.
Good luck & try to stay strong.

Huh...funny how that happens to be the same trick to getting them in the first place.