So, I married on the late side, having turned 37, to an about to be 26 year old man, with whom I had lived - we had bought a house together - for three years. I was aware of various reasons I shouldn't do this, and some of them eventually came true, but much longer after the wedding date than one would guess. And I am still not sorry I married him.
Some of what Joanne has said, that younger men weren't stuck in that 50's thing was part of why I found him interesting, refreshing, and we are still friends, though I admit to little slivers of sheer dislike, or at least sardonic contemplation of both of us, among the gold threads of long time regard. A lot of those years were happy, and not just in a comfortable way that I gather people took an earlier post of mine to be about - but happy in the sense that we both grew emotionally and intellectually by various leaps in those years and to a great extent kept up as partners in the leaping, though leaping different, uh, hoops. Which is why I posted about the need to keep communicating.
It is all well and good to talk about relationships of mature people, which all of are now, um, off and on, but many marriages have imbalances of finances or maturity or intellectual curiosity, fervor for various world-views at the same time dealing with daily life goes on and on.
Ours had a wretched financial dynamic, which I knew about at the start (I was the one with the head lab tech job, he was the playwright) and expected to have turn around. It did, finally, but by the time it did, there were dues to pay for the years a proud person spent little, and another proud person didn't get to do her art.
My only regret is that I didn't leave about midway, instead of our playing it out in difficult ways.... but still, several good things happened in those "playing it out" years. I am not entirely sorry I stayed.
I have been attracted to, and gotten over - I think - the idea of a soul mate. But I always wanted to fit with, or dance with, someone mentally as well as sexually. My business partner, who is also a friend, married to someone extremely different than her, scoffs, soulmate, are you kidding, there aren't any of those!
My view with age has moderated... I would like to dance in mental conversations, and don't need to coalesce.
But I still believe in love.
A couple of things you said struck a chord with me, osso. I have never believed in "soulmates." I think that's a silly romantic notion, not very solidly connected to everyday life. But I do believe in "playing it out." You've gotta do that in order to be able to leave with a clear conscience. I had to do that in my first marriage. I couldn't imagine anything worse than always wondering, "If only I had tried..."
I still believe in love, too. Only my definition of love has broadened considerably.
That so interesting, Osso (and laudably fairminded and candid). Oh yes, one doesn't stop believing in love or, god knows, falling in love! If one is an adventurous, not stay-at-home, woman by nature one finds oneself turning a corner at about 50 and, except in body, getting younger and more energetic and adventurous again. Too often one's male contemporaries stay young in bod but become gentle, sweet fogies after the age of 60 (men between 50 and 60 are another story.... later...!) So even though I'm a useless old crock, I find the men I'm attracted to and (to my ongoing surprise) are attracted to me are either in the thirties or forties now, or are older married men who have stayed much younger in spirit than their wives. I've learned not, repeat NOT, to succomb to temptation...!
I, too, "like to dance in mental conversations, and don't need to coalesce..." In fact, really good conversations, really good food, really good fresh air, and really good sleep are the key.
Jeesh...soon we will be on to bowel movements.
Leonard Cohen describes the universe I live in rather better than does Newton. Without love, or the memory and hope of it, there is buggerall going on. As to 'coalescing'....I think it miraculous, right up there with those too too rare days in the mountains when the snow has been falling cold and soft all night and is falling yet, and it is up to your knees, and with a friend, you fall of the edge and move down through it like two dolphin chums. Give me great ******* and great skiing or terminate me now.
Yeah, great fuckin'. I'd forgotten about that. Somebody remind me. Please...
I don't mean to be funny. I'm being quite serious, Lola. How did I get my knees to bend that far?
You two are young and cruel, have good knees. In my dotage, I only wonder whether Angelina Jolie's lips also have muscles (unlike my knees) or whether she has any control over them.
Who brought up bowel movements? I was talking about not needing to be one person, or, if you will, one soul, in the sense of personal obliteration mixed with personal exhilaration. I am all for sexual melding, roiling, and boiling though. I just don't need to be agreed with all the time or have any patience left for vice versa.
Not that any of us here - let me presume in a quick overview - are all so quick to deny our own opinions. But there is a thing that happens in relationships where one person subsumes for a while, and then the other, or not, in some effort toward oneness, or semidemihemioneness. I am not speaking about get-along conversation, exactly, but slightly... there is this need to align. Sometimes it is almost funny, as you watch friends change before your eyes with a person they are attracted to.
People need to align and to disagree every day of the week. But there is a kind of diving into alignment that I see in the newly loving.
enough for now.
oss
All good thoughts, out of experience. I was joking about the bowel movement thing.
I didn't pick up on the bowel movement thing, didn't get it when I read it...
Can't wait to hear this one.
Aw gee... Could we maybe...
Here's a lil' tidbit: In a recent interview, Angelina Jolie claims that she hasn't had sex in a year, and that she really doesn't know what having sex for fun is really all about. She also says that given her string of bad marriages, she may just try sex for fun soon. Any takers?
