Very true, ma'am.
I've seen so many marriages fail in my lifetime.
It makes me wonder though.....Something like 67% of all engagements last nine years before marriage. Half of those engaged couples who marry, stay married.
I don't know the statistical percentage, but most couples over the age of 34 who just live together, remain together.
Which brings me back to.....Why marry? (Aside from the legal benefits ~ which are becoming fewer.)
Tradition. That's really the main reason I think. But like many traditions, it may not last forever. Things change.
I used to think it was all about commitment, but if, when things get tough, one or the other opts out then the commitment really wasn't there in the first place.
Agggggggg. So much to say. I don't like commitment onus either, but after children, leaving is not care free. Before children, it isn't either, but then there is less sympathy.
Stuff happens with time. As time passes, futures of other kinds are not played out. Women don't go to grad school, guys don't go out for the team, or take the sailing job, or explore interests that might not bring in money, but might reward interest for interests sake. You become partners and commit, and it may turn out many years later that one was somewhat less commited than the other. There is a level of crapshoot about all this.
Maybe the person you committed to commits back, and then, gads, is he boring?
Well, usually she, is she boring?
Yes, of course, we are all, every one of us boring.
Apparently the tenor if not the heart of Craven's woman thing. Room to move. (Craven, I don't know you that well, I say apparently.)
But I know there is other stuff going on, which does occasionally take hold
I have seen it and experienced it myself for a long while, that connection and comfort and challenge continue, and that people re-engage and keep going.
Well, lots of people keep going in some sort of despond, but a few keep going because it works. Hail and salute.
It doesn't depend, I don't think, on the woman being always the subservient pleaser, actually I observe that that does no damn good.
My guess is the clue is if people keep talking and communicating.
Well, that is where I and life pals have failed.
It's the key.
But dum de dum dum
how can you be mysterious or sexy etc at the same time you communicate as friends/soulmates.
Carefully.
Ossobuco asks - "how can you be mysterious or sexy etc at the same time you communicate as friends/soulmates...Carefully."
Yes, care is always necessary in any relationship. But my experience doesn't suggest that randy quickies with a stranger over the fender of a Buick are sexier, more mysterious, or more satisfying than intimacy with a loved, if imperfect, partner. I have found the opposite to be more likely, our rich fantasies notwithstanding. A couple has to be wise and creative about this, but that's surely no surprise as all our engaging relationships are, I'll wager, marked by a zest for newness and shared adventure. It seems clear that we humans don't universally - or even mainly -pair-bond for life as is the case with some (few) animal species. But many of us do, or do for a very large part of our lives. The big mistake is to fall prey to the notion that a marriage ceremony is a 'made in heaven' legal event, that the stars are now aligned properly for happiness, and that courship is work already completed.
I agree with you, Lola, and you, Blatham.
Wow, good topic Rae - I've wondered myself about this.
And, earlier today I was wondering how it is that so many people find someone to share their lives with.
Not so many, littlek!
(((((HUG)))))
Haha, it's ok Rae, I'm not upset about it. It's just something that's never happened for me. It's a bit beyond my realm of understanding/experience.
Sorry, littlek ~ just consider it a friendly hug anyway, okay?
I'm really in awe of the responses to this topic. ossobuco hit the nail on the head. All aspects of any relationship you value have to be worked on daily ~ and that has been the gist of my original question.
We are a 'convenience' orientated society, and it has stemmed down to some of the most valuable experiences we will encounter during our very brief time on this earth.
I just don't get that.
I'd rather be alone, and happy with myself.
I'm alone and happy with myself. and yet...
well, sometimes time takes care of the question. I am solidly in middle age now, even getting used to it. No heads turn. Which is just as well, that would be pretty funny. As you develop yourself in a relationship or out of one, you get to be more idiosyncratic...more picky about what you want to spend your time on. Now I am not sure that if a likely guy came along that I would actually like to live with him. Maybe if it was a big house on a big lot! Ok, ok, part time. I might envision a duplex...or just a few blocks away. The whole kit and kaboodle seems less and less likely or even appealing. On the other hand, I haven't been tested on this opinion.
After a 22 year relationship dissolving, about five years ago, I am no longer so interested in the things you routinely do in a marriage as part of having it work...go see his relatives, go to such and such a game. These are just examples, I actually like sports a lot. I would do some things, but I value my own time very much now.
Interesting that I get pickier as I get less attractive on the market.
Well said Osso., and so true! Thanks for the chuckles to start my day out:)
My sister got married a year and a half ago. Before she got married she and her man were quite active and very fit, but soon after they tied the knot all they wanted and still do is sit around at home, eat, and watch t.v. Needless to say they are no longer very fit, my sister has gained so much weight now. It seems to me that when most people get married they lose ambition. After watching them it makes me think twice about getting married!
Pleased to meet you, Kerverbunny.
Don't let that one example convince you that such a fate is yours, or inevitable. I have many married friends who, though together for two or three decades, remain active and fit. It's entirely possible that these two, had they not met and remained single, would have eventually fallen into their present lethargic lifestyle merely out of personality.
Four times I tried it, marriage, and four times I failed, hmm. Since I am the only person that participated in all four marriage I must conclude I am better off not married.
If I should ever have a commited relationship again I would not marry nor would I want to live in the same house hold with that person.
I do not believe constant companionship is necessary for true and commited love to exist.
Xanthippe
(5th century BC)
Socrates' wife and matron of ancient Athens. The couple had three sons, Lamprokles, Sophroniskos and Menexenos, and she is said to have had a bad temper and to have been the very personification of the constantly nagging wife.
Her contemporaries did not picture her as such a terrible person as the later Romans did. According to later stories, Socrates knew he was marrying a hag, but did so to practice his patience.
A well known anecdote about the angry Xanthippe is the one where she was so angry with her husband that she threw a bucket of washing water on him. The philosopher then replied: after thunder comes rain. Socrates' saying "Marry or marry not, in any case you'll regret it" was supposedly in contemplation of his wife.
http://www.in2greece.com/english/historymyth/history/ancient/xanthippe.htm
PS
I know, I know, there are 'Xanthippes of the male gender too!
JoanneDorel wrote: ...If I should ever have a commited relationship again I would not marry nor would I want to live in the same house hold with that person....I do not believe constant companionship is necessary for true and commited love to exist.
Not a bad idea Joanne. I think there are quite a few people who do just that, even though it means two separate rents or two separate mortgages.
