Why marry?

:wink:

I've given men a hard time about this too often to let this go by... don't you guys think that there is a big difference between realizing that a relationship is not working, and ending it if attempts to fix it are unsuccessful vs. straying while still in a relationship?

I do agree that there is no guarantee that relationships will last forever, and that it is not good for anyone to force something that ain't gonna happen. And more power to whomever finds the right person after the previous relationship has been dealt with.

(I know that these things are easier said than done.)

So much more than How We Feel About Each Other is at stake as one confronts the break-up. There's a whole emotional world which exists as a corollary to a long-term relationship and the children -- from friends to pets to the house or apartment to dealing with in-laws to etc. etc. etc. There's also the important matter of how to stay friends... Some people are really good at that, others not!

Tartarin wrote:

"There's a whole emotional world which exists as a corollary to a long-term relationship and the children -- from friends to pets to the house or apartment to dealing with in-laws to etc. etc. etc. There's also the important matter of how to stay friends... Some people are really good at that, others not!"

Exactly! Which is why I will spend Christmas with his family, including his 93 year old mother, who would go into cardiac arrest if she thought we were divorced! It will be the strangest Christmas I've ever spent, bar none, but to preserve her happiness and my exe's peace of mind--not having to keep explaining to her why we broke up--I am happy to maintain the deception. We continue to be good friends and I will always love him in the way one loves an old, dear friend with whom one cannot live.

BTW, we tried over the years, to no good result. Our life together had become habit and little more. I always took our marriage vows very seriously, never intending for something like this to happen. When it did it was the most difficult time of my life, trying to decide what was right. I decided that, at sixty, if I didn't go to something that made me feel alive and full of life, then I would continue to be numb and only grow number as the years progressed.

I refuse to defend myself or my actions, especially on an internet site, but I want to say that something like this involved a complete analysis of my morality and sense of responsibility and I had to take a good hard look at the value I placed on my own life. I could never have done this if my children had still been at home. At 31 and 27, they have been surprisingly supportive, even though they love their father tremendously.

There will always be a bittersweet aspect to my life due to this upheaval; still, I will never regret the choice I have made.

That's wonderful that you're still good friends, Diane. I'm sure that speaks to a lot of thoughtfulness and effort on your part.

Thanks, Soz.

Sign of genuine maturity, Diane. Congratulations! Hard to achieve (show me the way!).

Oh, definitely. I agree with all of that... I'm just commenting on the "straying"/ affair aspect. I think all of that can happen, a split can occur even against the wishes of one of the partners (takes two to tango 'n' all), and then the eye may happily and hopefully productively rove. My only qualm is with sequence. (Problems --> split --> new love vs. problems --> new love --> split.)

However, as I said above, I know this is all easier said than done. Glad that everyone involved seems to be happy with how things are going. I hope I never have to come up against such a difficult situation, but don't want to tempt fate by assuming I never will. (Knock on wood.) Best of luck!

Each individual situation is, I think, likely quite unique, thus it is so tough to make any generalized 'ought' rules. When in a relationship, our awareness is pretty high regarding the hurt that will surely occur with a breakup, perhaps particularly where the partner has strayed. But what is the view from five or ten years later? My ex fell for another chap and our marriage ended at that point. We had a ten month old baby girl, and the event was terrifically hurtful to me at the time. Everyone, including her family, tried to argue her out of her new ideas.

But now, my view is quite different. We have always remained very close friends and I would not go back and change that past, to keep us together.

We really aren't in control of who we fall in love with. Sometimes, I think, we just have to keep our own counsel and minimize the hurt we cause.

Sure. My stubborn position is still, you can't help who you fall in love with, but as you notice "holy cow, I'm falling in love with someone," apply the brakes stat and figure out the existing relationship. If the figuring out includes terminating that relationship, then zoom away with the person you've fallen in love with into the sunset.

Sorry you went through that, Blatham. I went through something much less dramatic, but have also seen lots of similar situations. I never like "oughts", but have said so often here, usually directed at men, that I really personally dislike justifications for affairs. One mutually monogamous relationship ends, another begins -- no prob. One mutually monogamous relationship is still going while another starts -- not so much. Had a few run-ins with CodeBorg about it. His comments have indicated that he feels there is a double standard -- men can't do it, women can -- and I was thinking of him as I saw this and at first didn't want to comment, since I like the people involved. My own opinions, once stated, can of course be completely ignored. I wouldn't really expect or want anything otherwise -- just a little for-the-record observation.

My ex of 20 years dumped me for another red head and she was not even younger. We remained friends for a long time but he kept it a secret from the new wife. Finally I broke of the friendship part because I deemed that his constant contact with me even though sex was not involved was a form of cheating. Although one of my favorite lawyers said she thought he just loved being in control of two women. I must add that after the divorce they bought a house three blocks from where I lived.

In any case when I was in D.C. last year I called him to say hey and was told he did not want to talk to me anymore because I made him feel guilty. I told him I had forgiven him but he still was relcutant to talk to me.

Go firgure

soz

I actually share that same stubbornness. In fact, I had quite consciously, for that ethic or that ideal, made it through fifty years never messing about with anyone who was in a commited relationship. I think it is what ought to be aimed for in good personhood. I suspect we all share that notion.

Oops.

Hell...fifty years is pretty damned good, I thought!

Well I can proudly state that I have been faithful for 8 years, faithful to myself. Really I am beyond needing a man in my life.

But that does not mean I do not like being around others in love. I guess I could fall in love again but seems unlikely at this point in my life.

Fifty years IS pretty damned good.

I like faithful to yourself, Joanne -- good place to be.

Why thankee Soz I agree with you and me