Dear Diary

Dear Diary,
Aaaaaaah.....it's pitter patter on the pc...as always, great stuff. Please, make the movie.

I feel good today....folks that's unusual, so you should cheer, click your heels and get sleepy on fine wine. I am lazy...take paxil to stay even keel...I've allowed my five foot 6 inch frame to balloon up to about 250 lbs. The grandson tires me out in an hour (he's 22 months)...can't blame anyone for my situation...in a way I don't care...not sure why...does that come with depression?

Today I'll mow the lawn...I like working outside...not many hours at a time, depends on the temperature and humidity. I love the cool days of fall and spring. Tonight...I'd better check those hours...we have an anniversary meal in a historical building tucked away in Cave Spring, GA. A small, small town built on the edge of a natural spring in the Vann Valley area. Folks regularly fill up their five gallon plastic containers at its head. The community, a third of the county and a major distributor all use its water.

Tomorrow, we ramble through the countryside above Atlanta, past the large earth movers bringing progress and $500,000 homes, the contrasting local gems and the giant houses with their perfect lawns. Around a local real country restaurant and the new shopping mall with Public's supermarket, then over an animal trail turned a narrow twisting paved road, where-upon, we burst into the presence of a three story gated, perfectly shrubbed, it must be a company building home. In a year or two, the disease will have spread and the comfort of the hilly, healthy hillsides will have the stamped appearance of obvious success (well...money).

The grandson is amazing. I had forgotten how fast babies grow, mentally and physically. He dominants his space, knows exactly what he wants...he wiggles his head yes or no. I still can't remember my daughter's baby days. I must have been at work in those early days...sad, very sad, just think of what I missed. Missing mental pictures which cannot be replaced.

Consider yourselves blessed. I have not posted this much in months and months and months. I feel good today.

Mapleleaf -
and now we feel good, too!

Hello from here

Today started off a bad day my puppy 5month old lab chewed up my vacuum cleaner cord. However my ex bf called and gave me his. I got to work 30 mins early. Helped my boss set up accounting senerios and she was very impressed. I ate a bag of combo's urgh. I am going to stay fat forever ehhh? I can't wait for tomorrow it is my ex's bday. He will be 31 and I got him ballons and dinner.

Welcome fire....

Dear Diary,
Just returned from Kent/Ind/Ohio trip...first to Lebanon, Kent...crooked roads, two story pioneer homes/excabins, lots of history, Shakers and good friends. Then onto Anderson, Ind for visit to sister, 19 month-old twins, brother-in-law, BiL's son, his wife, their two kids and my father in the nursing home. Dad was wide eyed animated. He may not know me, but he appears happy...On to Cincinnati, Ohio and my daughter...We brought baby clothes from twins. Shared with my daughter's friend. She was overjoyed. Stopped by gambling boat and won 40 bucks (yea!) Spent sometime sitting among the maple trees and feeling the breeze...good trip. Have I mentioned I like maple trees in the fall?

Not fall yet, although I am partial to the reds/purples of sumac.

Mapleleaf, this last post sounds a lot more like the Mapleleaf I met than the one before. I hope you are doing fine. We are hoping to welcoming you in Germany soon. We have a great summer so far. But I know it would be too hot for your comfort. It's not usually this hot, though...

Dear Diary,

I haven't been checking in on a2k for quite some time. I guess it's due to summer. If it's still hot in the evening I love to just sit outside the little bar across the street, read or talk to whoever comes by. If it's not that hot I go rollerblading. And guess what - I even took up the gym again. We are in a program where they check your weight and body fat on a regular basis. Oh boy, lots of work to do there! But I'll still have icecream and chocolate!

Tonight I will go out for dinner at La Pergola where Stefan works. Let's see who shows up tonight.

And the good news: Stefan and I will go to Sweden for three days in August. I booked a flight for myself only at first because Stefan was not supposed to get a couple of days off until October. But I guess his boss felt bad when I told him I was going by myself. So he asked a friend to stand in for Stefan and called me at work to tell me to book a flight for Stefan, too. I am very happy about this. Ryanair is flying to Gothenborg for a very good price. So it's not a big deal moneywise. And Stefan gets to see his family. :-)

Dear Diary
The breeeze tells the changing of season's
It's the simple things that make you smile
(((muse)))oh (((muse))) now where did she go?

nia, welcome!

Yes, nia, welcome. You have found a good home.

Dear Diary:

I read the above with knowledge, that here in the US at least, we had the hottest June on record. Hot in Germany also? Don't tell me about global warming - we are living it. I know that we are damaging our environment.

Waiting for Ul and Rainer to come south, In a day or so. From Vienna, Austria. Hope the weather behaves.

Susan

Sumac, as much as I enjoy the hot summer - you are right. It is also frightning. June was very hot here, too. And we have heavy thunderstorms. Strange...

I called my parents today in Hungary. Of course, it's always hotter there than in Germany. But they said it is also very dry. And the same in Italy...

Dear Diary,

Things are moody lately.

I do not know exactly what is wrong, but I know *something* is. Maybe it's working two jobs and way too many hours, and working at least six days a week, sometimes seven. Maybe it's that I don't make enough money at either one, and Brian isn't making enough yet either.

(Aside: he left both of his previous jobs, which he hated, and took a job as a bartender with a brand new restaurant that was supposed to open weeks ago. He did construction and cleaning for a couple weeks for extra cash, and the restaurant finally opened this past Tuesday. They're not making money yet, but that will come. He hasn't been promoted to a manager yet, but that too should come in the foreseeable future. So at least he has a job which will be great soon, but it's not lucrative yet.)

Something else is wrong, though. It's not just that I'm exhausted and can't pay all my bills. Though prior to the last year, I was always able to at least stay on top of bills, no matter what.

Brian keeps asking me if I'm happy in our relationship, and if I want to stay here with him. He's not sure I am happy in Texas, or if I'm happy with him. I don't have time to figure out why I'm unhappy, but I'm starting to think it may actually be a chemical imbalance of some sort.

Yes, I miss Boston. Terribly. And I know that he doesn't want to go back there. And yes, I miss having enough income and little enough debt that I can go out once in a while and have a social life. Right now, I'm in a city I don't really know. I don't know a lot of people. And I don't have the money to go out anywhere to meet new people, or even go out for a casual dinner with the few friends I have met (through Brian.)

I'm exhausted. I'm lonely. I wish I had time and money for a social life. I love Brian, but if I'm perfectly honest I'm not really happy right now. I want to be happy, but I don't know how to be.

marycat, I absolutely hate moving, for all the reasons you describe. Leaving not only close friends but casual acquaintances and familiar faces (the waitress at your favorite restaurant, etc.) and plopping down into the complete unknown. When all of that is compounded by having to worry more about money, that has to be really tough.

Even when I've been very happy in my relationship, moving makes me miserable.

Thanks, Soz. That's reassuring.

I have moved a lot lately, and nothing really feels permanent anymore. Perhaps that has something to do with how I've been feeling. We moved into this apartment in mid-April, after staying alternately with our friend Adam and with Brian's parents for two weeks while we looked for a place. Before that, we were together in New York for six months. Before that, I was in a horrible apartment with three other people for several months. And before that, I was just waiting to move for cooking school, which of course was the reason for going to New York in the first place.

I think I need a vacation to just relax and regroup. Someday I will have the time...

Oh, man!

Yeah, that's not a recipe for a bright shiny outlook. I'd think you were rather inhuman if you weren't affected by all of that upheaval.

Marycat- Any change is disconcerting, and when you are feeling exhausted and uncertain about the future, it compounds everything.

You mention a possible "chemical imbalance". Why don't you check it out? There is no reason for you to suffer. There is help. See if there are any mental health clinics nearby. I don't know what your health insurance status is, but many clinics will charge on a sliding scale for people with limited incomes.

Sometimes the best thing is to talk things out with a disinterested professional, who can help you to sort out your feelings. And of course you know that you can always count on us here for a "shoulder", but that is not the same as getting professional help.

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Phoenix, my health insurance at work should kick in in a week and a half. I don't know exactly what it will cover, though...

Marycat- Most health insurance has some coverage for psychiatrists, and some have for psychologists and psychiatric social workers. Even if yours doesn't, as I have said, there is always a sliding scale.

Might be a good idea if you contacted the local Mental Health Association in your town. They usually have an information and referral department, where you can get a sense of what services are out there for you.

{{{{{{marycat}}}}}}

I agree with Phoenix. Even if the issue is not chemical, having a completely unattached person to talk to could help. Heck, you've been through a lot over the past year or so. Don't forget to give yourself some credit, girl!

Thanks for the support, ladies!
I'll keep you posted about how things go.
And you're right, Terry, I have accomplished a lot of things lately. Go me!

(((((marycat)))))