Tue 3 Feb, 2009 01:42 pm
I recently found out a2k seems like a perfect place to blog. I've just grown out of xanga and everything else I've had. Xanga was the old chapter of my life, before I've lost everything. This is the new, so here goes.
There really is no hope of getting myself out of the hole again. I've already gone too deep and yet, rock bottom is still far off. All I could see is free fall ahead of me. I hate looking towards the future when I have none. The past is really all I have left. What could I change? Realistically, nothing, but there's alot I want to change.
Maybe I could have a successful high school career. Maybe I coulda been allowed in more classrooms instead of restricted to mostly online courses that doesn't offer honors/AP. If I had been a better person, I might have even participated in more school activities. Perhaps that meant quit getting myself suspended ALL the time. The asst principal who suspended me refused to buy the excuse that I was too angry to conduct myself appropriately.
Perhaps during college, when I aspired to become a doctor, I coulda behaved myself so I wouldn't have gotten kicked off campus and restricted to 100% online courses. But no, I just HAD to curse ppl out and punch/throw stuff and blame it on everyone who's pissed me off. I even scattered newspapers and ripped flyers off the wall. I did all that while I was actually on track to reach my goal. How could I be so stupid?
Maybe at Goody's, I coulda never sassed my coworker, spilled sizers on the floor, or played cell phone games in the fitting room even though mgt never knew. I accused him of playing mgr when he tried to show me how to put hangers away. When he said he's technically responsible for this, I said he was responsible for being a pain in my ass. I swear, I woulda been canned from there too if I worked more hours bc that meant more opportunities for ppl to piss me off.
Lastly, at Wal-Mart, I shoulda never cursed out Mel and punched that fitting room pole. Mel and I used to get along real well. She wasn't even meaning to criticize or blame me but I just had to have my way and verbally abuse her. Mgt coulda let me go for that alone, but they gave me another chance and I blew it. I just had to become physically violent in front of customers, who reported me. Now I have no job, no school, and I'm home all day.
I have only myself to blame for turning me into a total loser. My IQ scored 125, but my EQ is only 65. I'm almost 20 so I have the emotional intelligence of a 13 y/o. Still, I've never seen a normal 13 y/o go crazy like that. In fact, I may as well be an animal bc they can't reason and neither can I. When they're pissed, they lash out or run away. Ditto for me lol.
Excuse me for my lack of coherence. I have too much on my mind.
I recommend that you ask for help from some professionals. It may well be that there is some type of medication that can help you control your anger.
You've got to work this through and, let me be honest, if these things are happening as you say, then I seriously doubt that you have the ability to work this out for yourself.
The hardest thing is asking for help and though it won't be the easiest thing you've ever done, it will definitely be rewarding.
Don't wait, go see a doctor or a mental health care professional. Just do it.
In case you didn't know it, free blogs are available on blogger.com.
My only suggestion to is make sure to not use people's real names. But I think this is a good catharsis and I hope it is of help to you. Better to write about punching people than to actually do it.