Age difference in relationship

Montana<

Whatever I might think of your relationship with this man would not do neither of us any good now. The intensity of the relationship seems to be over, and you both have moved forward from it.

What's in the past cannot be relived. What can be lived is the joy you have received from this relationship. It will always hold a special place in your heart.

Whether it was right or wrong is immaterial. It happened . . . it was unique . . . and the days pass on. Also, you can never let other people put you down unless you let them.

True confessions! :-) Right on!

Yes it's illegal. Yes there are judgemental people who need such clearly defined rules, to do their thinking for them. But I think what you had was beautiful, healthy, wholesome, and very sane.

For other women maybe no, for you yes. The law has to draw a line somewhere, and it usually leans towards the safe side. But it is arbitrary and completely unfair to a large segment of the population.

How many people ought to be able to work, drive and vote when they're 14? There are many adults that age. How many 34 year olds should be able to do those things? There are many infants that age.

If people never get the opportunity to exercise their own judgement, that muscle will atrophy and cripple ones soul. We need to see people as individuals, and ask them to please make their own choices.




('Course, I'm just jealous! I was trying to get laid when I was seven, just because everyone was so hush-hush and secretive about it! Rules are nice, but if people weren't so uptight about them it might be possible to have a healthy relationship. Guidance please, not iron rules. )

I agree William and I thank you for you thoughtful response. I only asked this question because I am truly curious to know peoples thoughts on the issue.

Your respose was very well put and appreciated :-D

CB
Wow! That was beautiful. Thanks so much for your awesome thoughts on the subject ;-) I couldn't have said it better :-D

By the time I was 15 I had been to hell and back and this man made me feel so special that he literally changed my life.

Montana<

Don't you think you might have changed his life, too?

Let's give credit where credit is due.

Well, I really never thought about that. I do know that he truly loved me and still does, so I suppose I must have since every love is my life changed my life in one way or the other ;-)

Thank you for that William :-D

Ya know, I was in a relationship with a guy just 1.5 years older than me that started when I was 14. It lasted 6 years and for some part of that he was illegally going out with me.

Cool ;-) I do think the law doesn't press the issue if you're that close in age though. Read that somewhere a long time ago, but I can't remember where. When I was 14 I went out with a guy that was 19, so it was nothing new to me. When I was younger I wasn't attracted to guys my own age. I loved the older ones, but as soon as I turned 30 it was opposite and I started going out with a guy that was 23. That lasted 6 years.

Montana- There are always exceptions to rules. Your relationship certainly sounds like one of them. The problem was, that if some busybody had wanted to make an issue of it, your boyfriend could have gotten into a lot of trouble. So he was very wise not to go out in public with you.

I dated a 22 & a 26 year old when I was 16. The 22 year old was the love of my life, and the difference in ages made no difference.

The 26 yo was a guy who, with his friends, went around dating younger girls. I and my friends had it all figured out, that those guys were very immature. After I stopped seeing him, he went out with a girl even younger than me.

So really, the whole issue has to do with the individuals involved. The problem is that there is an age of consent, and laws protecting minors, whch does not take exceptions into account.

Two hundred years ago, one hundred years ago, that was a much more traditional, even expected age difference in a couple. Many women were, and still are, married at that age.

I see the law as sort of a 'stop and think' barrier. Something to prevent young women from being taken advantage of. There are clearly women in their early teens who are mature in ways that others can't begin to understand.

I know that I'd prefer it if my best friend's daughter still wore her hair in pig tails, didn't notice boys/men, and wanted to hold my hand when we walk. But that's not the way it is. She's not as grown up as you probably were at that age, Montana, but she's more grown up than we want to accept. But we're trying, and if she fell in love with an older man, I know her parents would listen to her, after they got off of the floor.

Montana - the law is, indeed, a coarse instrument - and nobody claims it is perfect.

However, the age of consent is put in place to protect the majority of young people from sexual exploitation by older people. (In my country it is not enforced when people are of similar age).

It will never fit every situation - such is life - and I do respect your feeling for the man you write of, and his reluctance to sleep with you.

I still have a firm belief in a legal age of consent.

Nancy and I have been together for 21 years now -- nd have a damn near perfect relationship. She is 19 years younger than I -- but then again, I am now 67.

Age CAN make a difference. But not necessarily so. At an earlier age, the fact that age CAN make a difference is probably more so. But once again, NOT NECESSARILY SO.

Sounds like something you really shouldn't talk about though, Montana, because prison is not a nice place to spend time.

Okay, well, I guess I'm going have to throw out the other side of this.

The law, in my opinion, is mostly due to economics. At 15, at least where I live, you cannot sign a lease for a place of your own, or even hold down a full-time job. What if a baby were to come of this? Who will be responsible for it? Your parents? The state?

Sex is distracting at any age. Now is the time to get your education, so that, when you are on your own, economically, you can get a good enough job to pay your way.

If you don't . . . who will pay for your rent, your food, your clothes, your water, your electricity, your car, your gas, your medical expenses. Your parents? The state?

When you are own your own, that's NOT the time to try to make up for learning you didn't get when you were in school.

Why?

Because, believe it or not, working a full-time job, taking care of a household--laundry, taking trash out, cooking your meals, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the windows, taking care of the yard, changing light bulbs, shopping for groceries--and possibly running around paying bills late or at the last minute because you couldn't get a good enough job in the first place is time consuming and exhausting. You won't have time then to pick up a book and learn or relearn things you NOW have the time to get down.

Sorry, to be the bad guy here.

The whole thing is based on economics, not on whether or not you can emotionally handle the deed.

Also, just consider that, for you or not for you, it is the law. Just to really push the envelope of the slant others here are taking . . .

How many other laws just don't really apply to you?

I have a friend who thinks--he actually told me this!--that the traffic laws just don't apply to him, because he has quick reflexes, so if everyone else follows the rules of the road, he just doesn't have to.

There's ABSOLUTLEY no moral judgement from me here. It's just a matter of economics and of living in a nation with other people. You DO live in a community of OTHERS. OTHERS who may have to fork over some of their money to pay your expenses if you are not careful.

Um . . . Anyone here want to send her a check for diapers?

I didn't think so.

Geez!!!!!!

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it all to come out so harsh.

I'm wishing you the very best life. And thanks for asking a difficult question here.

The problem with that argument, dupre, is that it doesn't take a 28-year-old to get a 15-year-old pregnant. Another 15-year-old could do the job just fine.

I have no desire to pass judgement on a situation that seemed to work well for everyone involved, but I am really wary of saying "it is OK for a 15-year-old and a 28-year-old to be in a romantic/ sexual relationship" in any sort of blanket way. There are many, many 28-year-olds who have much greater powers of manipulation than 15yos, or, worse yet, are in a position of authority (teacher, coach, friend of parents), who would be all too happy to get "evidence" that it's just fine. Not saying you were manipulated, Montana, at all, but I think there are many situations in which a 15yo and 28yo relationship would be very dangerous for all involved.

So, I'm fine with the laws, though I'm glad that everyone got through this experience unscathed.

It's also illegal for minors to engage in sex, for all of the above reasons.

As to the comment that 100-plus years ago, it was acceptable, 100-plus years ago our economy was different. Women didn't work, for the most part, outside of the home. Larger families were encouraged and an economic asset. In some small towns, if you were male and could write your name, you were elected judge.

Women married young, worked hard in their homes, birthed babies, and died young, too.

The pictures of some of these women show just how tired and how unhappy they were.

Were THEY manipulated? You bet. By the laws, and the customs of the day, by their limited opportunities.

I have no problem with the age difference, as long as they are both of the age of consent and therefore, the age of financial responsibility.

It's in her best interest here. Her sexuality and opportunities will always be there. Her opportunity for education will not.

Oh dear, I didn't realize till reading about you that you are already grown up. No . . . I don't at all think he was a pervert. Y'all just took an incredible financial risk.

I'm thrilled it all turned out well.

Best to you both.

Protection of minors can be legislated by law or governed by local custom.

Both regulatory systems are subject to abuse.

Life for the thinking, caring individual with imagination can be exceedingly complicated.