Age difference in relationship

Why would a relationship with someone your age automatically include a house, car, ect? That's ridiculous. You're 24, not 54. If you don't want something serious like that, there's nothing wrong with telling the women you date you don't want that...hitting on 15 year olds isn't your only other option. I'm 27, and not even thinking about marriage, kids, ect.

I'll elaborate for you: you're rocking the cradle. You're 24, she's 15. There's typically a huge difference in mentalities and maturity levels. At 15, she's still developing herself(or finding herself?) as a person, while you're technically an adult. Not to mention, I'm sure most people you run into will find a 24 year old dating a 15 year old a little "odd."

You're better off sticking to 18+.

the_one, I am going by this:



Therefore, you are looking for a relationship with someone who is as emotionally immature as yourself.

No?

Slappy: It's not ridiculous. Almost all of my female friends aged 22+ have at least one kid. And, like I said in my first post, I wasn't really the one hitting on anyone.
Most people I run into, don't find this odd at all. I know a lot of girls aged 15-17, and most of them are dating guys aged.. well... everything between 19 and 28. Even my own mother didn't see anything wrong with me dating a 16-year old girl.

If you don't want kids, ect, then you don't have to. Just tell girls up front that's not what you're looking for, and you cover your bases.

Very interested in reading more of this, when I have more time. Lots of catching up to do before I comment!

Good on you for asking, Montana - it's clearly something that you can't ask some people but this is the perfect forum.

KP

the_one

I think you are bumping into a dilemma here that doesn't have an easy answer. But you seem already to understand that.

Age disparity in relationships is considered differently by different cultures, and in different time periods. At what age, or under what circumstances, someone is labelled 'man' and another labeled 'child' is quite arbitrary.

The culture around you, whatever that is, will exert real influences upon you and her. Clearly, that is happening. I think you ought to be less concerned with the opinions of people like myself or those above, and try to assess your particular situation, leaving out the judgemental component that can be levied on you, but which is culturally arbitrary.

The parents's position isn't helpful. That might be so on other matters unrelated to age. Perhaps social position or professional standing or religious considerations would be examples. These things become real as problems if they are so to the individuals involved, even if others more broadly might consider them silly.

I am less concerned than others here regarding the age issue. But with the parents of the female as strongly opposed as they are, you may simply have to wait, or cause turmoil which may not be in the daughter's best future interests.

Sorry. Sometimes we get a bit unlucky about whom we fall in love with.

the-one
I am thinking on the same lines as Blatham. You must have read my story, so I understand what you're saying. I see nothing wrong with the relationship, but obviously her parents do which is unfortunate for you both. You think on the same lines as the man I was involved with and I respect that. I was fortunate enough to convince my parents that I was in love with this man and lucky enough to have parents who trusted my judgement, so as much as they didn't like it, they let me be. I was very mature at 15/16 and I didn't consider myself a child at all. Girls do mature faster than boys in most cases, but lots of people don't look at that. The situation you're in and I was in was tough simply because there are many many men who simply want to take advantage of a sweet young thing which is why the laws were put in place, but I don't see that in your words as I didn't see that in the man I was involved with. The parents call the shots and it looks like their minds are made up and if you go against their wishes, then you could very possibly end up behind bars. If you and this girl are truly in love, you only have to wait 2 years until she's 18, so hang in there. I totally respect the fact that you haven't had sex with her because that shows that you are sincere in your love for her. I feel for you both and wish you the very best.

I think there's a good reason for the one to grumble.

He's taken the initiative to be honest with her parents but they have dismissed the situation out of hand.

She's legally allowed to do what she wants when she's 16 (same age as the UK, for the sake of information) and her parents are putting too many barriers in the way of her, if she is really adult enough to make her own decisions...which we will grant her, in the absence of information to the contrary.

Without ANY contact at all, it is unlikely that the relationship can pick up again in 2 years...realistically, neither of them will wait that long.

I find it surprising that all the women of the one's own age have children. I'm 32 and know plenty of women MY age who don't have partners or children...maybe that says something about different social environments.

KP

Personally, I don't think 2 years is long to wait at all, but even though 16 is the legal age, doesn't she still need her parents consent until she's 18? I may be wrong, but I think her parents have a say in the matter until she is legally an adult.

Like I said in my first post, I appreciate all comments. Just when I was about to give up my last hope about someone actually trying to help me instead of talking down to me, blatham came to the rescue. I decided not to post anything more here, but now that I see the posts from blatham, Montana and kitchenpete (thanks to all of you), I'll try to straighten out a couple of misunderstandings.

That's right, misunderstandings. I think I may not have made myself clear in my first post, and as a result of that, many of you misunderstood my question. First, let's see what I was NOT looking for a discussion on:
- Whether I am a man or a boy (that is for myself to decide)
- Whether or not I am looking for a relationship with a child (I was never LOOKING for this girl; she came to me pretty much out of nowhere)
- Whether or not my girl friend actually IS a kid
- Whether or not I am emotionally immature
- Whether or not I want kids
- Whether or not a relationship with a woman in her mid-twenties always involve kids
- Whether or not I am better off with someone aged 18+

Whatever other people think about it, my situation is nevertheless as follows: I want this 16-year old girl. I do not want someone else, no matter their age or emotional maturity.

So my question wasn't whether or not this girl is good for me (or I'm good for her), it was more related to her parents.
Since some of you people obviously have been involved in similar cases, I was looking for answers on how to make her parents give our relationship a chance, or, if I should just draw the conclusion that it will probably be an impossible task. Her parents seem very nice and polite, but just a little narrow-minded when it comes to this specific matter. All I want to do is to make them understand how we feel about each other.

Thank you.

On first looking....I was 'helll no' all the way (but, that's the mama in me talking). When I was newly 18, I was till in high school, and a guy wanted to date me...he was 26. Now, of course in my head i'm thinking "i am 18, I can do what I want", but I've always felt that giving my Mom the benefit of the doubt experience-wise was always the best thing because she's always looking out for my best interest - my thinking is that this girl's parents also are. Have you had an ADULT conversation with her parent's minus her? That's what I did. I let my mom talk to him so she could speak with him 'adult' to 'adult' about why he wanted to date someone who was still in high schoo (nevermind my being 18) when he was an already established man. Whatever they discussed, I don't know, but she changed her outlook and let me see him...before their talk....she was having none of it.

maybe the key is in having a private discussion with her parents without her involvment. There may be things to be said that woulnd't normally be said in her presence.


My husband is 18 years older than I am....and my mom talked to him also, when we began dating.... There's just lots of things to be discussed when the age difference is so great...,more so in your case than in mine...

This is very good advice in my opinion and it surely can't hurt to give it a shot seeing that you say her parents seem very nice. You seem to be a smart guy and I think you would handle a conversation with her parents quite well. I think the main thing you need to do if this meeting happens, is to make sure you don't lose your cool no matter what happens. The bottom line is that you need to find ways to convince her parents that you are sincere and have your head together and it looks to me that you have those qualities. As a parent, I like the way you have presented yourself and respect the respect you have the girl you love.

The very best to you and your girl.

the_one, I'm sympathetic, and don't want to come down too hard on a newbie... I like to make people who are new to A2K feel welcome. I think you need to take a little more responsibility for what you really did say here, though. Like:



There are just a lot of red flags there that go beyond any specific age difference issues.

That said, yes, if you want to attempt to make some headway with her parents, you need to talk to them. You just need to be ready to accept that they might not be swayed, and if they are not, there is not much you can do but wait.

I agree.

the_one,

If English isn't your first language then you might want to state as much. I just noted that there might have been a communication lapse and when you used the word "boy" it might have been a language barrier and not the emotional immaturity people here read into it.

Anywho, that's my 2 cents, I sympathize with you about feeling patronized. It's something that irritates me when I see it (and it happens very frequently to young newbies here).

But it's a give and take, the patronizing that happens here can be very irksome, but it's well intentioned and the people doing so are usually experienced and wise.

If you can get past the patronizing (it's actually more matronizing that patronizing on the relationship board) and the unsolicited advice you can usually get really good advice about the topic you asked for.

Hmm, I hadnt thought about the language thing, but Craven made me think and yeh - that works for Dutch, for example. Might be useful to consider for those who jumped to conclusions about the "boy" thing.

See, in English, I would call myself a "man" (well, perhaps more, like, a "guy" or something) - but in Dutch, I call myself een "jongen" - or, a "boy" (perhaps cause we dont really have a word for "guy"). And I'm 32. Most of my friends, too, would say, I met this "leuke jongen" (cute boy), or, I was talking with this "jongen", etc, when talking of guys my age. Perhaps if I'd settled down with kids, or if I'd gone up the career ladder with plans & determination, I'd feel OK saying, "Ik ben een leuke man". But for now, I'm just "een leuke jongen" ;-)

Anywho, I'm always surprised how quickly people jump to (negative) conclusions about people (guys?) posting relationships questions here. I may tend to do the opposite - trust everything he says - so I won't butt in any further, either - except to say that, whether what you're demonstrating is caring, sensible behavior, or definite unhealthy tendencies, I feel for you, kid, cause this situation sucks. And they're right - in the end, you may not really be able to do all that much about it (or just make it worse if you try too much).

Oh yeh, that too - though I like the idea of "proving" yourself by talking with the parents, keep in mind that you'll be very quickly perceived to be "pushing it" - which will only reconfirm their impression of you as a dangerous person. It sucks <nods>.

Same here, and I'm equally surprised that many people react so well to it.

I've seen simple academic questions being answered by disparaging the person.

If they are simply looking for scientific data on sexual duration there are told they are too focused on the time etc.

For example, if someone asked what the average penis length is, the answers would include lots of well-meant advice about how it's not important, a couple of guys making vulgar jokes and the rarest response would be the one the person was looking for, a simple straightforward answer to the question.

With relationship advice the poster is often told he or she has all sorts of problems, and despite the well meaning intent I am usually surprised at how willing people are to make negative pronnouncements about the person and in such sensitive areas no less.

But like I said, the upside is that it's usually well-intentioned, and there is usually lots of good advice as well. Even if the misunderstanding causes a lot of matronizing.

Interesting about "boy", nimh, thanks.

Speaking for myself, I wasn't going by that word choice at all, but the more general message that was coming through (especially the part that I have quoted a few times, which I don't think would be affected too much by translation issues.)

In terms of the metadiscussion, though -- how relationship topics are discussed/ approached -- I'm not sure that I agree. If it's a purely factual question, like average penis size, sure. But what percentage of the relationship questions are? They are usually much more muddled, much more ambiguous. One of many considerations I take into account is that the person is coming to an anonymous message board to get the straight dope -- what his or her friends might not be willing to say.

But I almost always start off sympathetic until something doesn't compute. (See http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=17254&highlight= for a recent example.)

Anyway, don't want to assume the comments were directed toward me, but "matronizing" and "sozobe" have certainly been used in the same sentence before, and I tend to respond to a lot of relationship category questions.

"Matronizing" is just my having fun with linguistic meninism. If it ain't a dude doing it it shouldn't be called "patronizing" so as not to ruin our good reputations.

Anywho, in this particular case I'd point to the fact that the individual did not ask for comments about his character, and did ask for suggestions on how to deal with the parents.

I'm not saying that the comments got it right or wrong but I am saying that the individual did not ask for them and asked very specifically about how to deal with the parents. The individual was met with a heap of unsolicited advice portraying him as having a problem and that seems to be par for the course here (relationship forum).

e.g. (intentionally unrelated)

Question: How can I fix my computer.

Answer: You like computers? You should ask yourself why. Maybe you are a nerd.

Now I know that it's inevitable, and the advice given is well-intentioned. And heck, if someone really thinks there is a problem they need to speak about then I understadn that they do. But I also see the side of many newbies who have complain that their help requests are often met with unsolicited "you have a problem" patronizing.

In this case a question about how to approach parents has resulted in criticism of maturity, character, relationship and more. And few bother to address the request choosing instead to do the ole "you have a problem" routine.

Ok, I don't think I posted here, as questioning this, and

I get how he feels

I have my own qualms about the whole thing of young girls and more experienced men

- how much the world revolves, in part, on this, the attraction is natural
but finally I want to protect the girl. This period, days, even at a time, in the teens, add up in increasing maturity and these sets of days turn out to be precious, if not until years later.

OK, I guess I post from the matriarchy, but not always.

I don't think y'all ought to be wary of maturity. It helps all of us if we ever get it.

I might quiver to see it preempted just as it is about formed, in men or women. I guess I look back at a lot of people as almost absconded by their lives, especially the girls. I hate to see it happen as they just begin to wake up. Choices possibly made are denied.

On the fellow posting the question here, which I can't see as I comment now, he seems well meaning, even loving. Let me not judge. But let the girl grow up.