Which reminds me of the one Les Dawson told Michael Parkinson, about a bloke that buried his mum-in-law in his back garden with her bum exposed above ground.
When asked why, he said because it was handy for parking his bicycle.
A friend of mine just started his own business.
He makes landmines that look like prayer mats.
He reports that he is doing very well so far.
He says Prophets are going through the roof...
@Region Philbis,
Totally un-PC. Guilty giggle....
I went to my doctor. He said I had to give up masturbation. I asked him why. He said Because I'm trying to examine you.
three Americans were on their way to Montreal for a hockey game, and were in the train station buying their tickets. after they purchased them, they saw three Canadians step up to the booth, but they only bought one ticket.
one of the Americans asked them how that was gonna work.
"just watch" said the Canadian boys in unison...
As they boarded the train, the three Canadians went straight to the restroom, and all of them piled in.
The Americans took their seats and waited for the guy to come through collecting tickets.
When he knocked on the restroom door and said "ticket please", a ticket was passed through the gap, he took it quickly and off he went to finish his duties.
A few minutes later, the 3 boys piled out and smirked at the Americans...
After the hockey game, they all head back to the station for the return trip.
The Americans send one guy up to buy a ticket. The Canadians tell them to "watch this. We're gonna ride back without even buying one ticket"...
Curious how this could work, they all head for the train. The Americans all pile into the restroom on one side of the aisle, as do the Canadians on the other. They wait.
then one of the Canadians slips out and knocks on the other door. "ticket please"...
2 fat blokes at the bar, one says to the other, "your round"
the other replies, "so, You're a fat bastard."
Why did Bono fall off stage?
Cos he stood too close to the Edge.
and now a really dreadful and pc incorrect Chinese joke:
What do you call an execution by electric chair when done in the prison cell?
Stir fry.
(Hmmm... maybe I'd better take a wok)
@Sturgis,
I once dated two anorexic girls simultaneously. Well, you know what they say. Two birds. One stone.
@lmur,
This chap goes into Waterstone's and asks the assistant for the new book Little Willie Self Help.
She says "It hasn't come in yet".
I think we need to raise the level of discourse here. Viz:
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court,
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie….
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said,"Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying
to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"
A rich man from North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his friends and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only
redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator
in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud
splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was
jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head
butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the
gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then
slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in
disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the Sumbitch who pushed me in the pool..."
***
Two peanuts were walking down a road when one of them was assaulted.
BBB
@BumbleBeeBoogie,
When will we as as society grow out of this need to commit hate crimes against legumes!
@tsarstepan,
The inmate stared the refracting rays of the sun through the window bars of his prism.
BBB
