Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

HeeHee. Love it, RP

B3.....that is so baad, it's good.

I am to plié with aplomb by not falling on my derrière.

BBB

heard this same one, but it was a cowboy instead

B3, I am to plie as I am to ablob.....(how do you get diacritical marks on the reply screen???)

DP...fat bloke at the bar....

Best Aussie Pick Up Line.

A Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

I have a magic wand.

It helps to copy words that have that little bugger via google.

BBB

Dutchy, the Aussie joke is going in my permanent Really Bad Jokes file...

@dutchy - good one!

My friend locked his house keys in his porch and his cat was locked in there too.

He asked the cat to unlock the door for him and the cat replied "Me? Ow?"

Me-ouch!

Ok i got this one from my friend. A man goes up to a zebra and says "Are you black with white stripes or white with black strips?'' The zebra doesn't know either so he goes ask God. God says ''You are what you are." The zebra goes back to the man and says "I is what i'm is," so the man says '' well you must be black with white strips."

{I don't mean this offensive in any way beacuz i'm black to }

I don't know whether to laugh or....?????

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event, and addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

An older couple is driving along the highway. He, the driver in a state where cell phone use is against the law, notices the cop in the next lane. He tosses the phone in the back seat and tells his wife to swear t0 the cop that hubby was not on the phone.
The cop pulls them over.
The husband says he was not on the phone and his wife can vouch for that. The cop addresses the wife who says "We've been married for 40 years. I never argue with him when he is drunk."

Oldie but goodie....

Die? I thought I'd laugh.

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak,

but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

Brava, Kara mia!!!