Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Confucious say man who steal calendar get twelve months...

Truly horrible. A real groaner.

Confucious say, "Baseball all wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk."

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.

The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.'

Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.

The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.'

Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'

Q: what did robin say when he saw the great vatican fountains?
A: holy water, batman!

Grandpa was watching his 2 grandchildren while his son took his wife to dinner.

The four year old asked, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do you want me to do that, sweetie?" Grandpa replied.

"My mom said that if you croak, we can all go to Hawaii!"

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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada, and park themselves on a
bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slighty awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
rent a car, and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country. The history, the
beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson
beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant
and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive..."

***

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life,
the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the
French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement
will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis", replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table.

Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.



DeGaulle leaned over to his wife and said,

"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word 'appiness'…"

***

RP, this is in my Faves file. Worth a smile every time...

Q: What did the man say as he pushed a piano down a mine shaft?
A: Be flat, miner.

My girl got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. Craziest part of it though, if you hold your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.

Those were bad, Nimh.
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
It wanted to get to the other side.

Why did the accountant cross the road?

He checked his files and discovered he had crossed the same road a year ago.

I guess I really don't have a mind for money as that accountant joke makes no sense to me. Is it some kind of self auditing thing?

It's about mind set, not money.

Nevermind. Rjb will get it.

Rog- I certainly get that joke!!!

News report from FL:


When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.

What they did take, however, was a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.

Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago. The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.
The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Scotch-taped to the box was this note which said:

“Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister, no hard feelings, have a nice day.”

Hilarious.

True story here. I was transporting people around while we shuffled various vehicles through various repair shops. Boss and Bob were in the back seat, and Boss spies a large, covered plastic filled with white powder. "Roger, what's this white powder" he asked suspiciously. I invited him to snort some and give me his opinion. Bob leans over and says "Looks like laundry detergent to me". Bob was right. Too bad Boss didn't go ahead and get himself a snoot full.