Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

djjd, it's still a goodie (baddie)

A senior citizens' group charters an overnight bus trip from Oceanside, California to Laughlin, Nevada.


As they entered Nevada, an elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'


The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.


A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?


About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.


The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the next rest area.


When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.


'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.


'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it, it runs away!'

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out,but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit..

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle,my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked:
" What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?


A flat minor.

(this one works better aloud than read)

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen, but knew that the
penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, however,
he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this
and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily
agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured
a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed,
the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal
Chambers to address her discomfort, Horatio informed the King and Queen that
only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of
itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as
the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly
summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder,
which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked
passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's
itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a
hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.




The moral of the story... pay your bills!

***

I might be seeing this comedian tonight at Central Park with several other members of the Daily Show.

A long, long time ago, I was in the hospital and received a get well card. It had a long joke on it of which I only remember the punch line and I have never understood it.

"He was a doctor in a hurry with a syringe non stop."

That was the punch line. Any one have any idea what that means?

it's some sort of parody of a song from the musical "Oklahoma". They went out courting in a
"Surrey with the fringe on top", which was a kind of fancy horse-drawn carriage. The joke sounds like it was probably pretty labored.

Having died unexpectedly, Barack Obama finds himself waiting to enter the gates of hell. He's met there by the Devil who says, 'Hmmm, I wasn't expecting you so soon. We're full up...what'll I do with you?' and then he shrugs his shoulders and says, 'I know - we'll make a trade. You pick someone to trade places with and that person can advance to heaven.'

First he shows him to this large room with an indoor pool and Richard Nixon is doing the breast stroke in the water. But when he looks closely he sees that the thermometer in the water registers at 232 degrees farenheit. So Barack says, 'I don't think I could stand the heat - what else do you have for me?'

They advance to the next room where Ronald Reagan is riding a horse. But when Obama looks more closely, he sees that the saddle is studded with nails. 'No,' he says, 'Not for me - I don't like horses.'

So they go to the next room where Bill Clinton is staked out spreadeagled on the floor and Monica is doing what she became famous for over and over and over again. After a moment's consideration Obama says, 'Hmmm, okay - I think I could live with this'.

At which point the Devil says, 'Okay Monica - you're free to go.'

It's stretching it I know but it might refer to the "baptism by squirt" of the unborn after the 4 minute warning siren has gone off.

I refer you to Chapter XX of Volume I of Tristram Shandy where is quoted the "MEMORANDUM presented to Messrs. the Doctors of the Sorbonne" which is on this very subject. It is dated 10 April 1733 and signed by A. Le Moyne, L. De Romigny and De Marcilly.

Maybe it is in an atheist fertility clinic trying to beat a tax deadline after a demand for sperm suddenly increased and supplies only arrived at the last moment.

It means you've injected a bad joke.

Certainly hasn't injected any humour into the subject so it's completely fitting for this thread.

You got a cue to check out Tristram Shandy Mamie. That's pretty funny.

I've missed you, Spendi.

Hey, did you know I'm going to be in Jolly Old in October/November? Yes, yes I am! Which pub do you live/I mean hang out at? C'mon, let's have a drink together...

Yes Mamie--I did know that. You don't need to tell me things of that nature twice. How do I know that meeting you wouldn't throw my equilibrium into Deepwater Horizon mode?

How do I know that if I told you the name of my pub farmerman wouldn't arrive bursting through the swing doors like Jack Palance in Shane?

Don't be a sissy, spendius - Mame is a great person to meet and you'll be glad
you did.

Pssst Mame, don't forget to make pictures of spendi and his pub.

Farmerman has a shed on his property in Pennsylvania. He has offered it to spendi if he ever needs a place to stay.

why does it take 10 women with PMS to change a light bulb?








it just does, dammit!!!

It is perfectly natural to be a sissy Cal. It's an evolved characteristic to protect our bodies from harm. Your pejorative usage is a mere feminine trick, which I can't fault, to get us men to risk pain and laborious effort on your behalf and for which you occasionally grant us a quick favour but not without making an inordinate fuss about it.

One only has to look at the modern sportsmen to see that their ridiculous efforts are the only way to get a woman to look at them and even then it is only the money they earn and the chance to hug them on TV when they have won something.

If you don't think the efforts are ridiculous I invite you to research modern training procedures. One Tour de France rider has admitted to spending weeks in a wind tunnel perfecting the aerodymanics of codpieces. (Well-safety helmets actually--I was being facetious about codpieces--what do they want safety helmets for if they are so tough?)

And I thought you an evolutionist. I'm the only evolutionist on A2K. The rest are special pleaders.

Anyway--cyber love is less messy and I'm up for less mess on a permanent basis. And I can image you ladies as ethereal Goddesses as things stand which would probably be diminished in numinosity, perhaps seriously, were I to get a goggle at the reality.

I've been stung by a bee doctor. Shall I put some ointment on it?
Don't be silly - it must be miles away by now.