209
   

Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
DrewDad
 
  2  
Reply Sun 4 Jul, 2010 02:46 pm
How do Homeopaths do their dishes? They can't. The more they rinse, the stronger the soap gets.

(Stolen from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8u6BZv6_DLc)
Region Philbis
 
  6  
Reply Fri 9 Jul, 2010 09:09 am

Two ladies are talking in Heaven....................


1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get
warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over
the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died...




1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in your freezer---we'd both still be alive!

***
Kara
 
  1  
Reply Fri 9 Jul, 2010 03:23 pm
@DrewDad,
Confused
0 Replies
 
Kara
 
  2  
Reply Fri 9 Jul, 2010 03:24 pm
@Region Philbis,
RP, that is my all time favorite. Waaaaay too good for this thread...
0 Replies
 
JLNobody
 
  4  
Reply Fri 9 Jul, 2010 03:35 pm
I may have contributed this before.
A penguin goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he had seen his father. The bartender asked: What does he look like?
spendius
 
  1  
Reply Fri 9 Jul, 2010 05:34 pm
@JLNobody,
The penguin replies "how the hell would I know--I'm useless at describing penguins."
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Fri 9 Jul, 2010 05:37 pm
No, no, no, Spendy... you want him to say, "Don't we all look alike to you?"
0 Replies
 
Philis
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Jul, 2010 01:55 pm
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

JLNobody
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Jul, 2010 06:05 pm
@Philis,
That's right; they sure do.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Jul, 2010 07:03 pm
@Philis,
Yeah, the highways are filled with idiots and maniacs.
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  3  
Reply Mon 12 Jul, 2010 07:44 pm
@Region Philbis,
This is how I heard that joke Region:

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as
there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said
that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.
He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied,

'Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair
behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth.
I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act.
When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom.
The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair
wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower.
I looked all around the house to find the guy.
I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside.
I pounded them until he finally let go.
When he fell he landed in some bushes and
God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the
refrigerator out the window to finish him off.
After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.'

Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied,

'Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my
apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary
bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side.
I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot
started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed
in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived.
But then that same idiot threw his
refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.'

'That, too, is horrible,' said the gate keeper.
Then he asked the third man the same question.

His reply was, 'OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator...'
DrewDad
 
  5  
Reply Tue 13 Jul, 2010 10:15 am
@hingehead,
Two Southern Belles are sitting on the porch sipping lemonade.

The first Belle says, "mah Daddy luvs me so much he bought me a new car fo' mah buthday!"

The second Belle says, "well, isn't that nice!"

The first Belle says, "and mah Daddy luvs me so much he bought me a new dress fo' my comin' out pahty!"

The second Belle says, "well, isn't that nice!"

The first Belle says, "an mah Daddy luvs me so much he's sendin' me to Paris fo' the summah!"

The second Belle says, "well, isn't that nice!"

The first Belle asks, "and what about you? Don't youah Daddy luv you?"

The second Belle says, "well, mah Daddy luvs me so much he sent me to Finishin' School."

"Finishin' School? What on Earth do they teach at Finishin' School?" asks the first Belle.

The second Belle replies sweetly, "they teach you to say 'isn't that nice?' instead of '**** you.'"
0 Replies
 
Region Philbis
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Jul, 2010 10:20 am
@hingehead,

yeah, that version is equally bad...

well played, hinge!
0 Replies
 
djjd62
 
  3  
Reply Tue 13 Jul, 2010 10:30 am
i may have already posted this, but i'm too lazy to check

three elderly women were sitting on a park bench when a young man in an overcoat approached and flashed them. two of the ladies had a stroke, but the third was sitting too far away

Twisted Evil
Kara
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Jul, 2010 10:36 am
@hingehead,
Laughing Laughing Laughing
0 Replies
 
Region Philbis
 
  3  
Reply Thu 15 Jul, 2010 10:25 am

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his
50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he
had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea,
spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"




Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up..."

***
Kara
 
  2  
Reply Thu 15 Jul, 2010 01:37 pm
@Region Philbis,
Look, RP...we agreed there would be no good jokes here, only bad. This one is totally unacceptable.
DrewDad
 
  4  
Reply Thu 15 Jul, 2010 01:41 pm
On the night before their wedding, John told his bride-to-be that he had something that he needed to confide to her.

"Darling Jane, I will understand if you feel this is too great a burden for you to bear in marrying me, but I feel that it is only fair to warn you. I have a baby-sized penis."

His betrothed replied, "darling John, nothing so trivial can come between our love, of course I will still marry you."

The next day saw them married, and they finally stood before each other in their wedding suite. They shyly began to disrobe....

Upon seeing the object of John's concern, Jane ran screaming from the room. John chased her, and cried, "but darling, you said that my baby-sized penis wouldn't be a problem!"

Jane screamed back, "I didn't know you meant that it weighs seven pounds and is 19 inches long!"
0 Replies
 
Region Philbis
 
  1  
Reply Thu 15 Jul, 2010 03:39 pm
@Kara,

sorrrrrrrrrry...







http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_x0Id3hJTzM4/ScGXb__IRJI/AAAAAAAAB90/Szp1zTBnBn4/s640/DSC04730.JPG <-- sheepish grin
Kara
 
  1  
Reply Thu 15 Jul, 2010 03:45 pm
@Region Philbis,
You are baaaaad
0 Replies
 
 

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