One ocean liner carrying blue paint crashed into another ocean liner carrying red paint. Both spilled their cargo and sank. What happened to the survivors?
They were marooned.
@Mame,
Mame....that is brilliant
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What
are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa, good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was
born...
Couldn't walk for a year....
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her...'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
your mother is fat. Zing!
The First Molecule said: "Oh no, I lost my electron!"
The Second Molecule said: "Are you sure?"
The First Molecule replied: "Yea, I'm positive!"
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decide to go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and logic.
-- "What's logic?" says Bubba.
-- "Well, let me give you an example," says the professor. "Do you own a tractor?"
-- "Sure do," says Bubba.
-- "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard."
-- "That's real good," says Bubba, in awe.
-- "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"
-- "Gawly!" says Bubba.
-- "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?"
-- "Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
-- "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?"
-- "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Cooter is waiting.
-- "So what classes are ya takin'?" says Cooter.
-- "Maths, history and logic," says Bubba.
-- "What in tarnation is logic?"
-- "Let me give you an example," says Bubba. "Do you own a tractor?"
-- "No."
-- "Then you're gay."
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands,
let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid!
They have been there and done everything!
@Phoenix32890,
Thanks for that, Phoenix. It has been a long dry spell here
Two old ladies are sitting at a park bench, when suddenly a flasher runs up to them wearing a trenchcoat. He rips open the coat and reveals himself to the old ladies. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady sadly, could not reach.
@calebburke,
That is truly awful, Caleb....So I guess that's good?
@Kara,
I concur. It's awfully icky... I meant good.
What's the difference between your job and your wife?
After 10 years your job still sucks!
Paddy: Mick I think I might get meself a labrador.
Mick: For fooks sake Paddy havnt ya seen how many of them labrador owners go blind!
@dadpad,
Sorry, DP, that's too funny to qualify......
A woman's husband was out of town. She used that opportunity to invite her boyfriend to sleep over.
At about five o'clock in the morning, they heard the woman's husband arriving in the driveway. The boyfriend, naked, quickly jumped out the bedroom window. He saw a group of men jogging and fell in line with them in order to be inconspicuous.
One jogger asked the boyfriend, "Why are you naked?"
"It is healthier to jog naked," the boyfriend replied.
"Then why are you wearing a condom?"
"It might rain."
@Mame,
Mame, labs are often used as guide dogs
